Responding to clients who say I love you

[ncc1701d]

I go with it, if they want the boyfriend experience I give it to them. With escorting its a whole different side of me, i am there to fulfill there deepest fantasy without hesitation..

 

However, Every situation is different..

 

Well said...I'm quite aware that I'm in a business transaction and asking for an illusion...so why not unless it has cross boundaries to outside of the transaction. If folks are paying for all kinds of other far more physically dangerous activities, what's the harm in a few words utter in the moment???

[+ Lance_Navarro]

I have quite a few clients with whom we say "I love you". Our work should be drawing from the energy of love, compassion and acceptance, so making someone feel loved, for me, is the hope. Therefore it's only natural that one would want to reciprocate and acknowledge that love. I understand the desire to maintain an emotional distance and to keep the relationship of client/provider defined, but we need to be less afraid of love. Its unfortunate that we can be so quick to anger and rage toward someone we barely know, or really don't know at all, yet so cautious at expressing love for someone we do.

[Guest]

This is part of why I like this site.... Nothing goes unnoticed and no topic in the sometimes daffy world of escorting, is ever left unmentioned

[geminibear]

This is part of why I like this site.... Nothing goes unnoticed and no topic in the sometimes daffy world of escorting, is ever left unmentioned

Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask.

[big-n-tall]

This is part of why I like this site.... Nothing goes unnoticed and no topic in the sometimes daffy world of escorting, is ever left unmentioned

 

Ahhh... but you didn't answer the question.

[+ VeryHappyCustomer]

A while back, an escort of very fine ethics told me he couldn't see me anymore because we had "become too close". He thought my thank you notes, tips, and small favors meant I was falling in love. I wasn't. I moved on, but always wondered what I had said... Now, when I'm getting to know a guy who might become a regular, I tell him I'll treat him well because that's what I'm comfortable with. That's all it means. I want a boyfriend experience --not a boyfriend.

[corndog]

Quite a while back, I had an (unpaid) one-night stand with a guy who was just passing through town. The circumstances were such that we were both totally clear that there was no future for us. However, for the few hours that we were together, we had an intense connection, sexually, as well as emotionally, as our senses of humor were perfectly synced and our pillow-talk was unusually candid. During that short period, there was no world outside of him, and I sensed that he was equally focused on me. Even in the moment, I knew that I was in love, but I knew that it would be over when I walked him to the door. I don't remember his name, or have any recollection of what he looked like, but I will never forget the time that I was "in love for five minutes." I cherish it.

[+ purplekow]

Quite a while back, I had an (unpaid) one-night stand with a guy who was just passing through town. The circumstances were such that we were both totally clear that there was no future for us. However, for the few hours that we were together, we had an intense connection, sexually, as well as emotionally, as our senses of humor were perfectly synced and our pillow-talk was unusually candid. During that short period, there was no world outside of him, and I sensed that he was equally focused on me. Even in the moment, I knew that I was in love, but I knew that it would be over when I walked him to the door. I don't remember his name, or have any recollection of what he looked like, but I will never forget the time that I was "in love for five minutes." I cherish it.

You are lucky. Some do not get even 5 minutes of that kind of love. You are right to cherish it.

[Guest countryboywny]

Everything you ever wanted to know, but were afraid to ask.

 

..and a lot of stuff you didn't want to know!

[JuniorNYC]

I had a regular fuck buddy where the sex was really good. We were about to set up a time to meet up and he asked me, "are you into anything kinky? wanna try something new?"

 

I was pretty vanilla at the time, and I told him I'd get back to him. I thought about different fantasies, role playing, etc. that might turn me on. I ended up coming up with one thing that seemed incredibly forbidden, totally taboo... even frightening. I got back to him the next day and I said, "when I'm fucking you... and I'm getting close to cumming... I want to kiss you hard and say 'I love you' and when we're done know it was just a term used in the heat of the moment - and after don't freak out or be awkward about it - and know I'm definitely not looking for a relationship, but I kind of think it would be nice to say as I haven't said it in a long time." He was open to it. (He also told me a fantasy he had which we tried one time that I'll save for a different post .)

 

Well, we did it - I did it... and afterwards it was totally fine. It was nice to say, and it made me cum my brains out because it made the experience much more intense. We stayed fuck buddies for a while after, with the sex eventually fizzling out - never going back to using that word except for that one time, and I had no real desire to use it again on him after that.

 

If part of the fantasy is saying it - it should be made clear beforehand that using the word is just that - a fantasy. I have yet to have a discussion about this with a client saying this to me, but should it come up (before or after being used), my approach would be that of flattery and empathy. I might choose to play down any discomfort he may have after the fact and follow it with an honest discussion of whether that word is something that we both would feel comfortable being used, the extent of that comfort and drawing clear boundaries.

 

Sometimes we need to feel loved - other times we need to give love. Someone once told me, "sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to accept their gift." Roll with it, but like I said, have an honest discussion about it - try not to dismiss it or make it seem wrong or bad.

Edited December 2, 2015 by JuniorNYC

[+ Gar1eth]

I had a regular fuck buddy where the sex was really good. We were about to set up a time to meet up and he asked me, "are you into anything kinky? wanna try something new?"

 

I was pretty vanilla at the time, and I told him I'd get back to him. I thought about different fantasies, role playing, etc. that might turn me on. I ended up coming up with one thing that seemed incredibly forbidden, totally taboo... even frightening. I got back to him the next day and I said, "when I'm fucking you... and I'm getting close to cumming... I want to kiss you hard and say 'I love you' and when we're done know it was just a term used in the heat of the moment - and after don't freak out or be awkward about it - and know I'm definitely not looking for a relationship, but I kind of think it would be nice to say as I haven't said it in a long time." He was open to it. (He also told me a fantasy he had which we tried one time that I'll save for a different post .)

 

Well, we did it - I did it... and afterwards it was totally fine. It was nice to say, and it made me cum my brains out because it made the experience much more intense. We stayed fuck buddies for a while after, with the sex eventually fizzling out - never going back to using that word except for that one time, and I had no real desire to use it again on him after that.

 

If part of the fantasy is saying it - it should be made clear beforehand that using the word is just that - a fantasy. I have yet to have a discussion about this with a client, but should it come up (before or after being used), my approach would be that of flattery and empathy. I might choose to play down any discomfort he may have after the fact and follow it with an honest discussion of whether that word is something that we both would feel comfortable being used, the extent of that comfort and drawing clear boundaries.

 

Sometimes we need to feel loved - other times we need to give love. Someone once told me, "sometimes the best gift you can give someone is to accept their gift." Roll with it, but like I said, have an honest discussion about it - try not to dismiss it or make it seem wrong or bad.

 

That sounds nice. But I don't think it's what Mike meant when he posed the question. If it was just a fantasy moment, then there's no problem-or is there? Having a f-ckbuddy/FWB is different than a client hiring an escort. There are lots of people-say Jawjateck, Rudynate, BVB, JJK and multiple others here on the Forum who could basically get all the guys they want without having to hire. They hire for the thrill and variety. But there is a certain confidence that comes from knowing you are hiring on a lark-but that if push came to shove-you'd be perfectly fine sexually without hiring. So maybe I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the majority of us who hire repeatedly may not be able to find partners as frequently. I will also posit that there may be a lack of companionship in many -not all -of our lives. In this case the escort does fulfill the fantasy of a partner. But there needs to be reality too. It's not good to totally live in a fantasy world. The escort is providing a needed service. But usually only in movies like Pretty Woman will the escort find true happiness with a client. Trying to substitute the fantasy for real life is like living in The Truman Show.

 

Gman

[JuniorNYC]

That sounds nice. But I don't think it's what Mike meant when he posed the question. If it was just a fantasy moment, then there's no problem-or is there? Having a f-ckbuddy/FWB is different than a client hiring an escort. There are lots of people-say Jawjateck, Rudynate, BVB, JJK and multiple others here on the Forum who could basically get all the guys they want without having to hire. They hire for the thrill and variety. But there is a certain confidence that comes from knowing you are hiring on a lark-but that if push came to shove-you'd be perfectly fine sexually without hiring. So maybe I'm going to go out on a limb here and say that the majority of us who hire repeatedly may not be able to find partners as frequently. I will also posit that there may be a lack of companionship in many -not all -of our lives. In this case the escort does fulfill the fantasy of a partner. But there needs to be reality too. It's not good to totally live in a fantasy world. The escort is providing a needed service. But usually only in movies like Pretty Woman will the escort find true happiness with a client. Trying to substitute the fantasy for real life is like living in The Truman Show.

 

Gman

Hmmm... I get what you're saying. A client has never said it to me, so it's hard to say what I would do. I think my key point is that before shutting it down and making a client feel shamed for using it, having an honest discussion about it would be a good approach. The discussion my lead to it being unacceptable, but at least have the discussion to explore why it was said and what it really means within the context of the service that is being provided, as well as emotional expectations and limitations. As long as, like you said, the client doesn't substitute real life with fantasy, I think it's an acceptable fantasy to allow a client to explore as long as there's clear understanding that it is in fact just that - a fantasy. I think the response should not be fear driven (e.g., "woah, you can't say that to me") and more honest and empathy driven (e.g., "what you said made me a little uncomfortable, but maybe we can talk about it...").

[BabyBoomer]

JJK

 

Gman

 

Who's that?

 

~ Boomer ~

[+ Gar1eth]

Hmmm... I get what you're saying. A client has never said it to me, so it's hard to say what I would do. I think my key point is that before shutting it down and making a client feel shamed for using it, having an honest discussion about it would be a good approach. The discussion my lead to it being unacceptable, but at least have the discussion to explore why it was said and what it really means within the context of the service that is being provided, as well as emotional expectations and limitations. As long as, like you said, the client doesn't substitute real life with fantasy, I think it's an acceptable fantasy to allow a client to explore as long as there's clear understanding that it is in fact just that - a fantasy. I think the response should not be fear driven (e.g., "woah, you can't say that to me") and more honest and empathy driven (e.g., "what you said made me a little uncomfortable, but maybe we can talk about it...").

 

The kind of client I was mentally envisioning from Mike's original post was a client who had seen him regularly. Let's say every other month for the space of 12 to 18 months-most of the visits being weekend visits. So someone who knows Mike fairly well. And someone whom Mike probably knows well too. They are comfortable with each other -know each other's likes and dislikes. It's almost like a boyfriend/boyfriend relationship might be if one partner lived out of town. In this kind of relationship, a client might be closer to Mike than he is to dear friends he's known for years who don't live in the same city. He's seeing Mike more often then them. Plus there's sex which evolutionary biologists will tell you is a powerful societal bonding source.

 

Who's that?

 

~ Boomer ~

 

http://www.companyofmen.org/members/jjkrkwood.8797/

 

He hasn't posted in a long time. But he seems to read the Forum quite frequently.

 

Gman

[Mikegaite]

I didn't want to make any particular clients feel uncomfortable, so I asked the question generally and broadly, which I also hoped would give people the latitude to provide a catholic range of answers. I was trying to avoid the problem of a client coming to me and saying, "I see you posted X on the forum, and I can't believe you're asking other people for their opinions about X instead of coming directly to me about it. Don't use the forum as an appeal to author from others."

 

My other goal was to ask a question such that someone would post a picture of Woody Allen, and someone else would post a picture of some guy's hairy hiney.

[Brian Kevin]

A client has never said it to me

 

I find this very very very hard to believe :3

U are so handsome )

[+ MasssageGuy]

This may be a twist, but I've had my "therapist" say he loved me. I think that as the trappings of clothing, electronic interruptions melt during a session, we experience the essence of our humanity.

 

Sharing both physical and emotional energy is, in my humble opinion, love.

[Tigger]

 

My other goal was to ask a question such ... and someone else would post a picture of some guy's hairy hiney.

 

http://m4.i.pbase.com/g3/27/613727/2/123781914.LGb17glU.jpg

[+ VeryHappyCustomer]

http://m4.i.pbase.com/g3/27/613727/2/123781914.LGb17glU.jpg

December 2, 2015: The day I first considered engaging in bestiality.

[Brian Kevin]

I. am. fucking. dead. TROLOLOLOLOLOLOLOLOL.

 

Funniest post on the day goes to...

 

December 2, 2015: The day I first considered engaging in bestiality.

[Juan Vancouver]

In my personal experience there are two ways in which this happens.

 

The first and most common way, is after a shared intimacy, after a passionate session or few years of getting to know one another, he looks at you with a glint in his eye, says "I fucking love you, man" slaps your ass, smiling and moves unto something else. In my experience, when a session goes the way I want it to go, I fall in love a little, I feel butterflies a little, I cherish that special moment looking into each other's eyes, which makes it very easy for me to imagine he will also feel that.

 

There is no promise, no contract, no attachment, no exchange of vows, and more importantly, no benefiting from the other's vulnerability. There is only love, encounter, tenderness, passion, all lived powerfully in a magic moment, then forgotten, till next time.

 

The other way is when after one or many sessions you notice the client suffering, tentative, demanding a lot of attention, constantly trying to break the pre agreed privacy boundaries, asking for reassurance, information, promises, or a lot of time outside of the time you spend together. Sooner or later when together, he will break down and in a very emotional way he will say something like: "I have not been doing well, I am suffering so much because of my feelings for you... I love you so much that I _______". You get my drift.

 

In this case, I listen attentively and compassionately and explain that under these circumstances I am unable to continue seeing him because that would only be damaging to him. I clarify that because of my professional ethical rules I will never -under any circumstance- start an emotional partnership with a client because I believe the power imbalances and mutual transferences and expectations will make the relationship unhealthy from the very beginning. I then strongly encourage him to look for professional help, someone with whom he can talk about this. Not another escort, who might potentially take advantage of his vulnerability, but a psychologist who might be better equipped to help him through that.

 

I tend to prefer not to wait till all this happens and look for the signs of emotional attachment before they further develop.

 

I have no problem with having a passionate, romantic boyfriend experience. Love traveling to romantic places with dear old clients of mine, with whom I can allow myself to be vulnerable and absolutely available because they understand, respect and celebrate the boundaries and nature of our relationship. What I won't do under any circumstance is keep seeing a client and charging him even if I know well that I will never be able to give him what he believes he wants. Making money out of heartbreak, to me, is just not an ethical thing.

 

To me love and vulnerability have never been a problem. They are the goal.

 

Attachement, expectations, blurred boundaries and emotional exploitation are an absolute no no. As soon as they show up, I will end the relationship.

[Donpat]

I've always felt there is a difference between LOVING something or someone and BEING IN LOVE with something or someone. Subtle difference maybe, but a difference none the less.

[LADoug1]

I've always felt there is a difference between LOVING something or someone and BEING IN LOVE with something or someone. Subtle difference maybe, but a difference none the less.

I ABSOLUTELY agree with this distinction. I've been aware of it for years and remembering it has influenced my life in many positive ways. Knowing the difference is vital.

[caliguy]

Just say "I like you too babe". You're a good friend.

[Moondance]

I've been reading this thread since it started and, from the beginning, I've been thinking that mismatched desires and unreciprocated feelings are hardly unique to escort-client relationships, and can be tricky to manage with grace and sensitivity whatever the context.

 

But when I got to Mike Cruise's post (# 41) I loved it:

I look them right in the eye and tell them I love them too, because I do.

 

I understand why, a little bit later, somebody would say, Really?, but I admire Mike C's ability to just put that out there in a single sentence and let us consider it. To my reading, he trusts his ability to handle the situation professionally, to "live in the moment" with the client. How lucky for the client who wants a sense of emotional connectedness without a lot of mood-destroying chit-chat about "what I'm saying when I say I love you."

 

And then there was that sweet piece of poetry from Lance Navarro (post # 52):

I have quite a few clients with whom we say "I love you." Our work should be drawing from the energy of love, compassion and acceptance, so making someone feel loved, for me, is the hope. Therefore it's only natural that one would want to reciprocate and acknowledge that love. I understand the desire to maintain an emotional distance and to keep the relationship of client/provider defined, but we need to be less afraid of love. It's unfortunate that we can be so quick to anger and rage toward someone we barely know, or really don't know at all, yet so cautious at expressing love for someone we do.

 

I don't think for minute that either Mike or Lance would be incapable of managing a situation with a client who had unrealistic expectations. On the contrary, I think their willingness to be emotionally generous is testimony to their advanced skills and professional confidence. Maybe it also reflects an expectation, realized over time, that the majority of the people they agree to meet are going to be reasonably well-balanced, with a working sense of reality.