Do I need to keep paying to feel this kind of connection?

[lseactuary90]

1 hour ago, DunwoodyGuy said:

I know you already have a therapist, but this man puts up really thought-provoking posts on Instagram, and this one made me think of you:

 

You're Gay and Single: It doesn't mean you're broken.

I can't stand videos like this, it is full of “self-love influencer” energy. Its so easy to say this kinda stuff when you are married/partnered and looking at others (see his giant ring?). 

If he was perpetually single, and then reacting this way, then I'm listening. 

Its like a white women talking about black racism when she doesn't experience it at all or even been through even an ounce it. Empathy is one thing, living with it is another. 

Edited June 6 by lseactuary90

[lseactuary90]

4 minutes ago, DunwoodyGuy said:

What a weird and defensive comment. How do you know how long he was single or not before that "giant" ring? Your white/black comparison is just weird. He's a psychotherapist, commenting on the experience of people he's counseled. What does does his ring or race have to do with anything?

Okay, I'm done here. 

I'm commenting as he has almost never been single. So I don't think he is qualified to make these statements. 

I know because I've spoken to him before. 

The race was just an example. Similar to a rich person saying 'money isn't important' while looking at a poor person. That doesn't help the poor person at all and is just performative at best.

[aiseeya]

Porn creates unrealistic expectation, so does provider. They are professional for a reason. Hire them long enough you will get a peek of their true thought.

I wouldnt do it but if you were desperate enough, lower your standard. Date any joe however they look. 

[Archangel]

On 6/3/2025 at 8:39 PM, ApexNomad said:

I also reject the notion that any of this qualifies as bullying. It’s called perspective. If this is bullying, the bar’s never been lower.

You call it whatever you want. We all make excuses.

I never claimed to be free of judgment. At the end of the day, it’s my opinion – and I’ll voice it til the mods shut me up.

You’re a bully. Who preternaturally obsessed with this guy.

Of course, you’re a lawyer. That tracks. Always right. Never backs down. Litigating everything.

 

[Archangel]

On 6/3/2025 at 9:42 PM, lseactuary90 said:

Yup I shared this with my current therapist... and he diverted me to talking about 'values'.

What does values mean? 🤨 That could be a red flag. 

[Archangel]

@Vegas_Millennial, in a broad sense, the ability to walk up to a guy and ask a date even with the assumption that 1-out-of-10 guys (arguably a high ratio of success) is privilege. More privilege than many of us have.

Mental illness also doesn’t always allow you to embrace things the same way mentally well people with similar circumstances can.

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

52 minutes ago, Archangel said:

@Vegas_Millennial, in a broad sense, the ability to walk up to a guy and ask a date even with the assumption that 1-out-of-10 guys (arguably a high ratio of success) is privilege.

Aww, thank you 🥰.

Attitude is everything.  The older and fatter and balder I get, the more I find I have to rely on my personality when trying to flirt with someone. 😆 

I was taught as a young man that "Attitude is Everything" and "If someone thinks he is a victim, he will stay a victim." It takes a lot of mental work and meditation and spiritual guidance to stay positive, but what in life is worth something that doesn't take work?

[+ ApexNomad]

5 hours ago, Archangel said:

You call it whatever you want. We all make excuses.

I never claimed to be free of judgment. At the end of the day, it’s my opinion – and I’ll voice it til the mods shut me up.

You’re a bully. Who preternaturally obsessed with this guy.

Of course, you’re a lawyer. That tracks. Always right. Never backs down. Litigating everything.

 

I try to be impartial. Do I always succeed? No. I bring my own lens sometimes. Am I perfect? Absolutely not. Am I wrong sometimes? Of course.

But a bully? If that’s your takeaway, you need to get out more.

In the second version of this thread—yes, second—a moderator even stepped in to warn us it was a similar repost. I read that one. And the one before it. And now this. I came to my conclusion: it was bullshit.

Plenty of people offered support. It was ignored, dismissed, or ridiculed. One user even shared a thoughtful video—mocked by the same man you’re now defending, to the point he deleted it and bowed out too.

I haven’t commented since. And I don’t plan to.

But let’s not pretend the man at the center of this is some fragile outlier. He’s a man of great privilege. I have little patience for people who confuse access with oppression.

You’re entitled to your opinion. But a bully?

No.

I just don’t mistake performative suffering for sincerity.

Edited June 16 by ApexNomad

[Archangel]

4 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I was taught as a young man that "Attitude is Everything" and "If someone thinks he is a victim, he will stay a victim."

That’s simply not true for everyone. Some of the most positive people in the world get shit on by other people constantly. Misused. Abused. They may have a positive attitude but they still have a terrible life. Thinking you can just mind-power your way to a life free or largely devoid of interpersonal problems, both close and professional, is pretty narrow and, again, privileged. 

[Archangel]

11 minutes ago, ApexNomad said:

You’re entitled to your opinion. But a bully?

No.

🤷🏼‍♂️

It’s my opinion you’re a bully. Or you’re at bullying here. You saying otherwise doesn’t make it not true.

Citing a moderator also doesn’t make your opinion anymore true than mine; it just means you have authority behind yours. As far as I know, we’re allowed to have different opinions from the moderators here. I think that’s still allowed. 🤨 I frankly disagree with the moderators here on a lot of issues.

As a lawyer, you should know about the Appeal to Authority logical fallacy. 😉 👍🏻 

Edited June 16 by Archangel
Typo

[+ ApexNomad]

11 minutes ago, Archangel said:

🤷🏼‍♂️

It’s my opinion you’re a bully. Or you’re at bullying here. You saying otherwise doesn’t make it not true.

Citing a moderator also doesn’t make your opinion anymore true than mine; it just means you have authority behind yours. As far as I know, we’re allowed to have different opinions from the moderators here. I think that’s still allowed. 🤨 I frankly disagree with the moderators here on a lot of issues.

As a lawyer, you should know about the Appeal to Authority logical fallacy. 😉 👍🏻 

You’re entitled to your opinion. But labeling something “bullying” doesn’t make it so—especially when your only evidence is that it didn’t land gently.

I didn’t cite the moderator to prove I’m right. I cited it to give context—something your response continues to ignore. There’s a difference between opinion and misrepresentation. And no, not all takes carry the same weight just because they’re loud.

As for the Appeal to Authority—cute line, but misplaced. I never said I’m right because I’m a lawyer. I said I won’t apologize for speaking plainly. You’re the one who keeps turning that into a flaw.

You’ve called me a bully. I’ve explained why that’s both inaccurate and intellectually lazy.

We’re good here.

Edited June 16 by ApexNomad

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

11 minutes ago, Archangel said:

4 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

I was taught as a young man that "Attitude is Everything" and "If someone thinks he is a victim, he will stay a victim."

That’s simply not true for everyone. Some of the most positive people in the world get shit on by other people constantly. Misused. Abused. They may have a positive attitude but they still have a terrible life. Thinking you can just mind-power your way to a life free or largely devoid of interpersonal problems, both close and professional, is pretty narrow and, again, privileged. 

This is the perfect example of victim language of which I was speaking.

[Archangel]

4 hours ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

This is the perfect example of victim language of which I was speaking.

Oh, I don’t doubt that you think that. I also don’t doubt you got smug satisfaction writing that too. But your notion that you can simply will yourself into a good place drips with social myopia.

Good on you for thinking yourself to a problem-free existence. Not everyone is so fortunate. Your inability to see that means you’ll never really feel  compassion for truly suffering people.

[Archangel]

5 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

I didn’t cite the moderator to prove I’m right. I cited it to give context—something your response continues to ignore. There’s a difference between opinion and misrepresentation. And no, not all takes carry the same weight just because they’re loud.

As for the Appeal to Authority—cute line, but misplaced. I never said I’m right because I’m a lawyer.

Appealing to the moderators, counselor. If it wasn’t about the authority of the moderators, you wouldn’t need to say more than other forum members. It was about their authority

And I most definitely wasn’t saying you think you’re right because you’re a lawyer 🙄 Don’t reassign a different value to what I said. I don’t judge your opinion based off your vocation. Your behavior, yes, but not your opinion. Surely a lawyer could parse that nuance. 

You’re entitled to your opinion. But labeling something “speaking plainly” or “impartial” doesn’t make it so.

Talk as plainly as you like; you won’t convince me you didn’t bully in this case. Perhaps you’re not a bully lock, stock, and barrel, but in my opinion—which you concede I’m entitled to—you were bullying.

Why are you so invested in proving to me otherwise?

[Archangel]

I say so it’s so!

[MikeBiDude]

Moderator alert/warning: let’s get this topic back on track, stop sniping, or this topic will get locked.

[Archangel]

@MikeBiDude, don’t worry. I’m done.

[SirBillybob]

OP, without necessarily stating your racial admixture as you seem reticent to do so, and since race has come up thematically a bit, could you try to elaborate on how you think this variable plays out in such a way as to obstruct access to men and to your stated intimacy desires? After all, you broke it down in your app project as an essential descriptor along with generic commentary about relational availability.

You can be general about it as there is some degree of commonality in racially based selectivity that transcends the specificity of racial stratification, so you can cover some of this territory without an explicit personal racial pie chart.

Additionally, to what degree can folks that meet you without context pinpoint the racial admixture that characterizes you? How well is it identifiable? If you politely disclose it what kind of responses do you get? Surprise, cliché? And would there be anything about your speech that sets you apart as being from away, as I think you mentioned a home town but I’m not sure if you immigrated to USA?

Edited June 17 by SirBillybob

[SirBillybob]

On 6/6/2025 at 2:59 PM, lseactuary90 said:

I can't stand videos like this, it is full of “self-love influencer” energy. Its so easy to say this kinda stuff when you are married/partnered and looking at others (see his giant ring?). 

If he was perpetually single, and then reacting this way, then I'm listening. 

Its like a white women talking about black racism when she doesn't experience it at all or even been through even an ounce it. Empathy is one thing, living with it is another. 

Empathic attunement, however, usually comes from a place of being other than the reference person or group to whom the intended support is directed. Otherwise it leans to commonality in identification. I think I picked up an angry flare that may provide a glimpse into how furious your perception of rejection makes you. You seem to have assumed the content creator was disingenuous, and that his own relationship is smooth.

This isn’t to say anger isn’t legit or real but it can insidiously become characterological over time while not necessarily expressed or manifested, eg, vociferously, in the way typically expected. How do you mentalize the rejection? It is human to (harmlessly) fantasize retribution that may befall somebody in an attempt to balance the ledger. However, that can bleed into expectancies with respect to subsequent encounters and self-fulfilling prophecy. This is basic object relations theory in which need-meeting and need-withholding commences in infancy. Therapy is the place we should utilize to reveal the degree to which we aren’t always as nice as we aim to project. 

Edited June 17 by SirBillybob

[lseactuary90]

On 6/16/2025 at 9:47 PM, SirBillybob said:

OP, without necessarily stating your racial admixture as you seem reticent to do so, and since race has come up thematically a bit, could you try to elaborate on how you think this variable plays out in such a way as to obstruct access to men and to your stated intimacy desires? After all, you broke it down in your app project as an essential descriptor along with generic commentary about relational availability.

You can be general about it as there is some degree of commonality in racially based selectivity that transcends the specificity of racial stratification, so you can cover some of this territory without an explicit personal racial pie chart.

Additionally, to what degree can folks that meet you without context pinpoint the racial admixture that characterizes you? How well is it identifiable? If you politely disclose it what kind of responses do you get? Surprise, cliché? And would there be anything about your speech that sets you apart as being from away, as I think you mentioned a home town but I’m not sure if you immigrated to USA?

This is a nuanced subject, so I will try and share my thoughts.

With hookups - the 'filter' is different. Are you hot? Do you fit what they are looking for (top, bottom etc). Guys tend to be more uninhibited. There is also this unspoken rule of 'this is what it is' so there is no 'pressure' for it to go any further.

Dating is more nuanced. When someone is looking for a life partner, I imagine they are looking for a 'type' of guy. I have friends (all races) who literally told me that they felt coming out was hard, so dating the 'same race' basically helped them 'prove it was worth it' to their family. In my experience, people are attracted to what they are familiar with, so likely stick to someone who looks like someone they knew/know (which makes sense). There are also external prejudices e.g. 'would he fit in with my friends' / 'would he fit in with my family', etc that are made based on your appearance and therefore while they may 'like you as a person', you may not 'fit their world'. This, btw, doesn't need to be limited to race, it could be other attributes too. 

This also then explains who I 'attract' - another 'suppressed' single person of colour (but often not hot, as if they are, they are 'taken' by someone), partnered (white/latino) guys (since they are 'taken' they have nothing to 'loose'), much older guys (I'm talking 20+ year age gap / because by that point in their life they have shedded much of the social conditioning they grew up with), out of shape guys (probably being rejected a lot so still try and shoot their shot with me) or visitors (who are looking to 'try something new'). None of these are 'actual' matches for me as a partner. 

In my particular case, I was born/raised in the West, so I speak very clear English (on the phone most people think I'm 'white'). I now live in the US. But physically I am mixed so I look 'exotic' which is why I'm placed in the 'hot / try this' bucket, but guys probably don't imagine 'settling down' with me as I don't fit what they consider 'romance material' (even though I am actually pretty romantic and soft at heart). 

I would say, as the years have gone by, it is better. Guys become more exposed (work, social media and otherwise) and are more 'accepting' of other cultures, looks etc. But I'm also in my mid 30s, so a lot of guys are partnered up and/or traumatised by their ex and only looking for fun now, which makes things harder. 

[pubic_assistance]

7 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

In my experience, people are attracted to what they are familiar with, so likely stick to someone who looks like someone they knew/know

Wow. so..NOT true in MY case.

I grew up in a predominantly white community surrounded by predominantly white communities. The Majority of my sexual exploits in my 20s (after I left my hometown) were with people who looked very different from me. Many of my relationships were with people of color. (Both men and women). I do agree that long term relationships require enough overlap of viewpoint that cultural commonality is important, but ethics, morals and priorities can span various geo-locations that included people of various races. Its often a matter of balance between the familiar to feel "at home" with someone but enough difference to feel challenged to grow as a person. 

Edited June 19 by pubic_assistance
spelling

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

3 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

7 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

In my experience, people are attracted to what they are familiar with, so likely stick to someone who looks like someone they knew/know

Wow. so..NOT true in MY case.

Same here, not true in my case either. 

My boyfriends have been a mix of ethnicities, body types (Twink, Club, Daddy), national origin,  age (ranging from 5 years younger to 20 years older), education (some master's degrees, some high school GED), and sexual positions.

7 hours ago, lseactuary90 said:

Do you fit what they are looking for (top, bottom etc).

Yes, I've even had boyfriends who preferred different sexual positions then what I typically enjoy.  In some relationships, I was strictly the top.  In others, I was strictly the bottom.  Sure, I have a general preference.  But sex is just one small part of the entire package and if I really care for someone I'm going to make him feel good and enjoy all of his body, which means sex will likely be different than with hookups or escorts.

[lseactuary90]

26 minutes ago, Vegas_Millennial said:

Same here, not true in my case either. 

My boyfriends have been a mix of ethnicities, body types (Twink, Club, Daddy), national origin,  age (ranging from 5 years younger to 20 years older), education (some master's degrees, some high school GED), and sexual positions.

Yes, I've even had boyfriends who preferred different sexual positions then what I typically enjoy.  In some relationships, I was strictly the top.  In others, I was strictly the bottom.  Sure, I have a general preference.  But sex is just one small part of the entire package and if I really care for someone I'm going to make him feel good and enjoy all of his body, which means sex will likely be different than with hookups or escorts.

 

4 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Wow. so..NOT true in MY case.

I grew up in a predominantly white community surrounded by predominantly white communities. The Majority of my sexual exploits in my 20s (after I left my hometown) were with people who looked very different from me. Many of my relationships were with people of color. (Both men and women). I do agree that long term relationships require enough overlap of viewpoint that cultural commonality is important, but ethics, morals and priorities can span various geo-locations that included people of various races. Its often a matter of balance between the familiar to feel "at home" with someone but enough difference to feel challenged to grow as a person. 

I'm not saying *all*. I literally met someone the other day who was white who only dates black men for example. 

My point was I don't seem to fit someones "box" for what they want in a partnership (at least not yet) so I'm at best getting the hookup. 

I would say, I find white guys the most open though, and POC's the most closed (either they only want their own race or a white opposite).

[+ Vegas_Millennial]

6 minutes ago, lseactuary90 said:

I would say, I find white guys the most open though, and POC's the most closed (either they only want their own race or a white opposite).

This sounds like the frustration everyone but bisexuals face.  Bisexuals are open to everyone, but most people only want either the oppositte sex or the same sex.

[Archangel]

1 hour ago, lseactuary90 said:

My point was I don't seem to fit someones "box" for what they want in a partnership (at least not yet) so I'm at best getting the hookup. 

I sympathize. But I’m not even getting the hookup. Good on you for that at least!

I could be the only available and still be passed over.

I had a friend I was very close with, PoC, who I was beginning to think he and I had feelings for each other. I’m sure he sensed it too—at least from me—because at one point he told me, “I could never be your boyfriend. You’re too good of a friend.” Talk about deflating…We’re still friends, but that right there sums up my whole relationship experiences in one interaction.

People suck.