Q's from a new guy

[sogay]

Hi all, I'm hoping this is an ok place for me to post a couple of questions that I didn't see when I searched and backread.

A little about me for context: I'm middle-aged and recently came out as a trans guy. Sometimes, you don't know what you don't know...My partner and I have been married and monogamous for many years, but our sexualities aren't compatible anymore; he's a cishetero man and I'm a gay transmasc. After a lot of counseling, we're staying together and supporting each other in finding sexual fulfillment, wherever that leads. For me, initially, a professional seems like a good idea; I have mixed emotions about the situation, not to mention some real anxiety for a lot of reasons (yay, being raised super-Catholic), and the potential to focus on physical pleasure rather than a potential relationship sounds very appealing.

I've read at least one thread that included a couple of people saying they struggled with their feelings afterward. I'm curious about what emotions people experienced after their first time, if anyone's willing to share, especially if there are other folks who have come to this feeling a little bittersweet? I suspect I'll be all over the place and am trying to prepare mentally so I don't freak out if I'm, well, freaking out the next day, etc.

And then the obvious next question, for providers who might be on here: I plan to be up front about being trans. I'm looking at some fellow transmascs first, but I would really like to get more experience with cis men as well. I figure some providers will pass, and that's fine. But wondering if it's even realistic for me to approach folks at all/if there are other transmascs on sites like rentmen?

Thanks in advance for any advice you're willing to share

[soloyo215]

14 hours ago, sogay said:

Hi all, I'm hoping this is an ok place for me to post a couple of questions that I didn't see when I searched and backread.

A little about me for context: I'm middle-aged and recently came out as a trans guy. Sometimes, you don't know what you don't know...My partner and I have been married and monogamous for many years, but our sexualities aren't compatible anymore; he's a cishetero man and I'm a gay transmasc. After a lot of counseling, we're staying together and supporting each other in finding sexual fulfillment, wherever that leads. For me, initially, a professional seems like a good idea; I have mixed emotions about the situation, not to mention some real anxiety for a lot of reasons (yay, being raised super-Catholic), and the potential to focus on physical pleasure rather than a potential relationship sounds very appealing.

I've read at least one thread that included a couple of people saying they struggled with their feelings afterward. I'm curious about what emotions people experienced after their first time, if anyone's willing to share, especially if there are other folks who have come to this feeling a little bittersweet? I suspect I'll be all over the place and am trying to prepare mentally so I don't freak out if I'm, well, freaking out the next day, etc.

And then the obvious next question, for providers who might be on here: I plan to be up front about being trans. I'm looking at some fellow transmascs first, but I would really like to get more experience with cis men as well. I figure some providers will pass, and that's fine. But wondering if it's even realistic for me to approach folks at all/if there are other transmascs on sites like rentmen?

Thanks in advance for any advice you're willing to share

First, welcome to the forum. I can only provide (and maybe) some insights based on my own experiences, but by now you might know that different people experience different things.

I didn't struggle with feelings afterwards when I decided to finally hire because I did not hire until I was sure that I was not going to have feelings of regret, shame, embarassment or anything negative that can impact my wellbeing. (Probably like you are doing now) I decided that it was more workable for me if I worked on those feelings and their source first. I rarely take actions that I am not 100% sure I can take without consequences. What I found in my case were the typical twisted notions of sex within a client/provider setting coming from my Christian upbrining, which were quite hypocritical and inappropriate. Something else that I found was that I was already paying and had paid for sex many, many times before in other ways:

• Going to bath houses
• Going to peepshows
• Going to adult movie places
• Paying for drinks at a bar to a guy I'm interested in
• Going to sex parties

None, not a one of those things are free, and the purpose of all of them is sex. So yes, I have been paying for sex for quite some time.

Then there's the convenience factor. Some of the service that I have looked for in providers have to do with my overal mental and physical wellbeing; it's noit just sexual pleasure alone. Others look for a deeper connection in the form of a "boyfriend experience".

Like you, I am married and I have no interest in having any committed relationship with another person. My husband does not/cannot provide everything there is for me to have in terms of physical or sexual contact (no need to get into details on that).

I also found that something that helped was the use of sensual and erotic massages since it is meant to be a relaxing, "put you at ease" experience with sensual/sexual elements.

I'm not a provider, so I will not comment on the question that you have to them. I defer to expertise on that.

I hope this helps. Again, welcome to the forum.

Edited February 8 by soloyo215

[sogay]

Thank you very much. It does, and I appreciate the time you took to share this with me.

[nate_sf]

On 2/7/2024 at 5:01 PM, sogay said:

And then the obvious next question, for providers who might be on here: I plan to be up front about being trans. I'm looking at some fellow transmascs first, but I would really like to get more experience with cis men as well. I figure some providers will pass, and that's fine. But wondering if it's even realistic for me to approach folks at all/if there are other transmascs on sites like rentmen?

Welcome to the Forum, and to your exploration of manhood!

From a provider's perspective, I've never been with a trans guy but I'd be up for it. I expect some of my colleagues will also be up for it, others not, but you might be surprised how many guys would be into meeting you. The only way to find out is to ask. I see there are a couple of transmascs who advertise on RM here in SF, but I expect lots of cis guys would welcome the opportunity to meet you too.

[Jamie21]

On 2/8/2024 at 1:17 AM, soloyo215 said:

First, welcome to the forum. I can only provide (and maybe) some insights based on my own experiences, but by now you might know that different people experience different things.

I didn't struggle with feelings afterwards when I decided to finally hire because I did not hire until I was sure that I was not going to have feelings of regret, shame, embarassment or anything negative that can impact my wellbeing. (Probably like you are doing now) I decided that it was more workable for me if I worked on those feelings and their source first. I rarely take actions that I am not 100% sure I can take without consequences. What I found in my case were the typical twisted notions of sex within a client/provider setting coming from my Christian upbrining, which were quite hypocritical and inappropriate. Something else that I found was that I was already paying and had paid for sex many, many times before in other ways:

• Going to bath houses
• Going to peepshows
• Going to adult movie places
• Paying for drinks at a bar to a guy I'm interested in
• Going to sex parties

None, not a one of those things are free, and the purpose of all of them is sex. So yes, I have been paying for sex for quite some time.

Then there's the convenience factor. Some of the service that I have looked for in providers have to do with my overal mental and physical wellbeing; it's noit just sexual pleasure alone. Others look for a deeper connection in the form of a "boyfriend experience".

Like you, I am married and I have no interest in having any committed relationship with another person. My husband does not/cannot provide everything there is for me to have in terms of physical or sexual contact (no need to get into details on that).

I also found that something that helped was the use of sensual and erotic massages since it is meant to be a relaxing, "put you at ease" experience with sensual/sexual elements.

I'm not a provider, so I will not comment on the question that you have to them. I defer to expertise on that.

I hope this helps. Again, welcome to the forum.

That’s a very thoughtful and helpful response. Epitomises the value of this forum! 

I can give some perspective from the provider side….or at least my perspective as a sex worker although I wouldn’t assume that I’m representative of all. 

Firstly I’d say that it’s understandable that one might have reservations about paying for sex. Society (and religion) has done a great job of conditioning us in that respect. But I don’t accept it. There’s absolutely nothing wrong with buying or selling sex. What’s wrong is where the parties to this transaction are disrespectful towards each other or there’s coercion on either side. If it’s done with good intentions on both sides then my view is there’s absolutely nothing wrong with it. I won’t let society decide this for me.

I think many good sex workers would welcome you to book with them. I work with all genders, it doesn’t matter.  What’s important is their intentions and whether they’re respectful. Good luck with your search and in your relationship. 
 

 

 

[pubic_assistance]

On 2/7/2024 at 8:01 PM, sogay said:

. I figure some providers will pass, and that's fine. But wondering if it's even realistic for me to approach folks at all/if there are other transmascs on sites like rentmen?

May I ask, did you do bottom surgery or top surgery or both ?

In my personal experience with having sexual relations with peope from the trans community, that knowledge is important to me.

I imagine it would be so for a provider too.

[SoxBoiAlex]

On 2/7/2024 at 5:01 PM, sogay said:

My partner and I have been married and monogamous for many years, but our sexualities aren't compatible anymore; he's a cishetero man and I'm a gay transmasc. After a lot of counseling, we're staying together and supporting each other in finding sexual fulfillment,

Hi sogay,

I just discovered this site and I read your post and wanted to chime in. First, congrats on discovering (or finally accepting) your new self. And it’s great that your other half is going to be part of this new chapter in your life. I think you’re on the right track and it sounds like you’ve given this a lot of thought.

Just some suggestions: are you and your partner planning to do a three way with the other party or is it just you? Or is your partner or you  just going to observe? Knowing this beforehand will help everyone involved understand what is expected to happen. And  you don’t have to worry about extra things that aren’t going to happen at that time anyway, so you can relax somewhat.

And you shouldn’t feel guilty about hiring somebody because it’s cutting to the chase, it’s more efficient, and you don’t have to play those courting games. I haven’t done it yet, since I used to be the provider, but now that I’m older and wiser, the option looks better and better to me.

As far as choosing someone for the job, you should tell them you are a trans-man and that’s only because they may not be able to satisfy you for whatever reason. I don’t think most providers would have an issue with it, but trans-men haven’t had as much attention or awareness that trans-women have had, in fact it was only about 10 years ago when I learned about trans-men, but I knew about trans-women for nearly 40 years. So that’s why I would think some providers might not be able to provide since there’s such limited experience in regards to trans-men. OTOH, if a provider is really good they’ll be equally adept at catering to all genders so it wouldn’t be an issue.

Good luck in your quest, I’m sure over time you guys will be able to work it all out. Out of curiosity, you don’t have to answer this, but are you and your partner staying together even though the sexual dynamic has changed?

🤗 hugs 

 

[dbar123]

With an escort you are not really paying for sex….you are paying for scheduling convenience. Whether I have sex with someone as a hookup or with an escort, I usually feel the same way afterwards

[+ DrownedBoy]

20 hours ago, dbar123 said:

With an escort you are not really paying for sex….you are paying for scheduling convenience. Whether I have sex with someone as a hookup or with an escort, I usually feel the same way afterwards

No....you're also paying for someone to have sex in the way you tell them to.

A lot of Grindrs will lie to get a guy to their place, then leave you unsatisfied. Unfortunately, bitch-slapping such people is a crime.

[BostonDadType]

As Charlie Sheen once said "You don't pay them to stay you pay them to LEAVE" - !!!