I Unfortunately Am The Esshole

[+ Gar1eth]







Ok I apologize in advance as this may be rather long. 
 

Reddit has a feature where people present an incident in their life that seems to be controversial for the people involved, and people respond back to how they view the incident. The person presenting it is either unsure of whether they acted correctly or is looking for validation when acquaintances are negative over whatever the presenter did. 

Here's my story:

I met a guy about a year after I moved back to Texas thru one of the hook-up apps. I was maybe mildly attracted to him but nothing major. We had probably texted on and off  for a year before I decided to meet. One of the reasons I probably delayed was because he was HIV positive. Yes I know U=U. But it still gave me pause. I mean I didn't know the guy. How did I know if he took his medication regularly. And I wasn't on PrEP at the time. There were also logistic problems. I was staying with family and couldn't host. 

 

But we kept talking -and I was horny -and we finally met at his apartment. He told me his 1st name at some point (I never got his last name). I was never sure whether it was really his name or an alias. I had -sometimes still do-gave him my middle name. It's actually helpful-if I've met someone on the apps-I usually used to give my middle name. Then when we met in person, and I knew the guy wasn't crazy, I'd tell him my real name. That way if someone texted me by my middle name -I knew I probably hadn't met him in person. And if he turned out to be crazy, I hadn't given my real name  

Let's call the guy Harry. Harry and I did exchange phone numbers. And we continued to meet intermittently over probably 3 to 4 years. This was truly a fbud relationship. We only met at his apartment. I knew his profession but not exactly where he worked. He knew where I worked. He def was not someone I was majorly attracted to. But he was often the only guy available. I know I wasn't the only one he would see because he was into videoing encounters. (He had lots and lots of self-made videos).  Plus he liked multiples, and that's not my usual cup of tea. He also liked to smoke meth. That was the main time he wanted to see me. I don't do drugs. And to tell the truth if I had had more opportunity for other fbuds, I probably wouldn't have continued to see him. But I'm a chubby bald bear. Not that many guys are interested in me. And from time to time, I needed to be with someone. 

But this was a casual relationship. We were definitely only fbuds. We never went out anywhere together, never had a meal, never watched TV (except a few bits of his porn videos or the videos he had recorded). Often I would text, and he wouldn't respond at all for weeks. Sometimes he'd text me, and I'd tell him I couldn't meet. Sometimes he'd disappear off the apps-often when he wasn't smoking meth as much. I don't think we met very often during Covid. But it's difficult to remember exactly. 

All the dates are difficult to remember at this point- I think it might have been a year since I last saw him. But I think it was last October he texted me that he had been diagnosed with cancer. I told him how sorry I was. But it was a short text conversation. I didn't hear from him after that. 

Starting in January because of financial problems, I've had to move in with relatives. It's not just  that I can't host, but often meetings from the apps occur late at night. Apparently not only do the girls get prettier at closing time-but chubby bears often become more attractive too. However because of my living situation, I can't take off in the middle of the night. So I haven't been meeting a lot of people. 

I've thought about Harry from time to time. But didn't text. After I moved in with my relatives, I reduced my time on the apps for months since I couldn't often meet. When I got back on a few months ago, I didn't see him on either Growlr or Scruff which were the apps I used to see him on. 

Last night for some reason I was thinking about Harry, and I put his phone number in a search website-this one in case anyone is interested https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/ I'm not sure why I had never looked him up before.

The website managed to pull up his name. Turns out he did give me his real first name. I googled him-expecting to maybe find his LinkedIn profile or Facebook page. Instead I found his obituary. He had died last March. 

The news was quite a shock. So now I'm feeling pretty awful. I feel like I should have checked in on him at some point. While we were only non-exclusive fbuds, it seems to me that if I had been a more decent person, I would have gotten back in touch with him. I will say that it was in the back of my mind that he'd contact me again to let me know how he was doing. But when he didn't, I should have checked in on him. 

I can't help thinking that I'm an esshole for not checking in to see how Harry was doing. I only hope I take this lesson to heart and work on being a more caring person.

I just thought of a quote from "A Christmas Carol."  Scrooge tells Marley he was always a good businessman. Marley replies that "Mankind should have been his business."  That's how I'm feeling now.  

Gman

[pubic_assistance]

Well....

I think your feelings of loss are getting the best of you.

Sounds like you had a pretty superficial relationship.

I think involving yourself more in his last days would have only served to make you feel worse...and may not have done much to make his better. Meth addiction is often a sign of self-medicating for depression.

You lost a fun fuckbuddy.

Don't make more of it than it's worth making. The universe called him home. You couldn't have changed anything.

[+ nycman]

Forgive yourself.

[MikeBiDude]

2 hours ago, Gar1eth said:







Ok I apologize in advance as this may be rather long. 
 

Reddit has a feature where people present an incident in their life that seems to be controversial for the people involved, and people respond back to how they view the incident. The person presenting it is either unsure of whether they acted correctly or is looking for validation when acquaintances are negative over whatever the presenter did. 

Here's my story:

I met a guy about a year after I moved back to Texas thru one of the hook-up apps. I was maybe mildly attracted to him but nothing major. We had probably texted on and off  for a year before I decided to meet. One of the reasons I probably delayed was because he was HIV positive. Yes I know U=U. But it still gave me pause. I mean I didn't know the guy. How did I know if he took his medication regularly. And I wasn't on PrEP at the time. There were also logistic problems. I was staying with family and couldn't host. 

 

But we kept talking -and I was horny -and we finally met at his apartment. He told me his 1st name at some point (I never got his last name). I was never sure whether it was really his name or an alias. I had -sometimes still do-gave him my middle name. It's actually helpful-if I've met someone on the apps-I usually used to give my middle name. Then when we met in person, and I knew the guy wasn't crazy, I'd tell him my real name. That way if someone texted me by my middle name -I knew I probably hadn't met him in person. And if he turned out to be crazy, I hadn't given my real name  

Let's call the guy Harry. Harry and I did exchange phone numbers. And we continued to meet intermittently over probably 3 to 4 years. This was truly a fbud relationship. We only met at his apartment. I knew his profession but not exactly where he worked. He knew where I worked. He def was not someone I was majorly attracted to. But he was often the only guy available. I know I wasn't the only one he would see because he was into videoing encounters. (He had lots and lots of self-made videos).  Plus he liked multiples, and that's not my usual cup of tea. He also liked to smoke meth. That was the main time he wanted to see me. I don't do drugs. And to tell the truth if I had had more opportunity for other fbuds, I probably wouldn't have continued to see him. But I'm a chubby bald bear. Not that many guys are interested in me. And from time to time, I needed to be with someone. 

But this was a casual relationship. We were definitely only fbuds. We never went out anywhere together, never had a meal, never watched TV (except a few bits of his porn videos or the videos he had recorded). Often I would text, and he wouldn't respond at all for weeks. Sometimes he'd text me, and I'd tell him I couldn't meet. Sometimes he'd disappear off the apps-often when he wasn't smoking meth as much. I don't think we met very often during Covid. But it's difficult to remember exactly. 

All the dates are difficult to remember at this point- I think it might have been a year since I last saw him. But I think it was last October he texted me that he had been diagnosed with cancer. I told him how sorry I was. But it was a short text conversation. I didn't hear from him after that. 

Starting in January because of financial problems, I've had to move in with relatives. It's not just  that I can't host, but often meetings from the apps occur late at night. Apparently not only do the girls get prettier at closing time-but chubby bears often become more attractive too. However because of my living situation, I can't take off in the middle of the night. So I haven't been meeting a lot of people. 

I've thought about Harry from time to time. But didn't text. After I moved in with my relatives, I reduced my time on the apps for months since I couldn't often meet. When I got back on a few months ago, I didn't see him on either Growlr or Scruff which were the apps I used to see him on. 

Last night for some reason I was thinking about Harry, and I put his phone number in a search website-this one in case anyone is interested https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/ I'm not sure why I had never looked him up before.

The website managed to pull up his name. Turns out he did give me his real first name. I googled him-expecting to maybe find his LinkedIn profile or Facebook page. Instead I found his obituary. He had died last March. 

The news was quite a shock. So now I'm feeling pretty awful. I feel like I should have checked in on him at some point. While we were only non-exclusive fbuds, it seems to me that if I had been a more decent person, I would have gotten back in touch with him. I will say that it was in the back of my mind that he'd contact me again to let me know how he was doing. But when he didn't, I should have checked in on him. 

I can't help thinking that I'm an esshole for not checking in to see how Harry was doing. I only hope I take this lesson to heart and work on being a more caring person.

I just thought of a quote from "A Christmas Carol."  Scrooge tells Marley he was always a good businessman. Marley replies that "Mankind should have been his business."  That's how I'm feeling now.  

Gman

Don't be too hard on yourself GMan. I know you're a caring person.

[+ Gar1eth]

39 minutes ago, MikeBiDude said:

Don't be too hard on yourself GMan. I know you're a caring person.

Sometimes yes-sometimes no. I was just so shocked when I found the obituary. I mean obviously I've encountered death at my age. But he was younger than I am. I just need to do better.
 

I mean last night I was tearing up when a character died on Poldark. That happens a lot. TV and movie deaths affect me -I'm a sap but I guess it is a tribute to the production.  But I need to make sure I carry over those kind of feelings to real people. This man and I had a relationship. It was a limited one. But it was a relationship nonetheless. I should have inquired-not been so caught up in my own mishegoss. 
 

But thank you for the kind words @MikeBiDude

 

I actually have another situation to tell. It's from several years ago. I almost wrote about it then. But I was really emotional about it. I could never quite put it completely into words.  Now the emotion is not as intense-and my memory of it not as acute (or accurate). I may post about it in a few months. It's more of tribute piece-along with some regrets-of a man I wasn't able to really publicly mourn. Well I could mourn him-just it was by myself. Because of the situation I wasn't able to share how much over the years he had meant to me (platonically only) with his family. 
 

Gman

[+ Charlie]

If I had $1K for every person with whom I had some sort of friendly relationship, whose death I only learned of later from an obituary, I would have a lot more money in the bank. For example, I had two roommates in college, each one for a year and a half; we were good friends at the time, but I didn't keep in touch for long after graduation, and I learned of the death of each one only after I became curious about re-uniting with them, only to discover that they were deceased. In fact, of the eight people I have lived with since leaving my parents' home, the only one still living is my spouse, and only one of the other seven was someone whose death I anticipated in advance, and visited a few days before the end. If I had known, of course I would have contacted the others before they died, if only to let them know that I had cared about them and would mourn their passing. I felt particularly upset about the old friend who committed suicide, wondering if there were something I could have done to prevent that, although that was probably unlikely. But the others all died of natural causes, and at the end I doubt that they thought sadly, "I wonder why I didn't hear from Charlie?"

It sounds like you had a much more casual relationship with Harry than I had with friends I lived with, sometimes for several years. (My roommate Cal was actually the person who gave me the nickname "Charlie"!) There is no reason for you to feel guilty for not reaching out to Harry; you weren't responsible for his life, or for his death. What you are feeling is nostalgia for the loss of a relationship that might have become more important--or might not. Of course, I feel sorry about not making the effort to re-connect with Cal and the others sooner, but I don't blame myself for not having made what might have seemed to them like a quixotic gesture at the time. For all you know, you might have made Harry feel worse by reminding him that he wouldn't be anyone's fbud any longer.

As I remember from long ago, G-man, you are a sensitive soul. Give yourself a break.

[rvwnsd]

You are not the a-hole, @Gar1eth. In fact, there is no a-hole. You are a caring person. If you weren't, you would not be giving this matter so much thought. 

Be kind to yourself. It is hard to do when we a loss, but it's important.

[soloyo215]

Without getting into details, I had a similar situation. What I did was something symbolic to make amends to him and myself. I volunteered some of my work to something that I knew he cared for. I felt good about it after.

Maybe doing the next best thing can give you some kind of peace, closure, absolution, or whatever you might feel you need.

[marylander1940]

On 10/7/2023 at 5:59 PM, Gar1eth said:







Ok I apologize in advance as this may be rather long. 
 

Reddit has a feature where people present an incident in their life that seems to be controversial for the people involved, and people respond back to how they view the incident. The person presenting it is either unsure of whether they acted correctly or is looking for validation when acquaintances are negative over whatever the presenter did. 

Here's my story:

I met a guy about a year after I moved back to Texas thru one of the hook-up apps. I was maybe mildly attracted to him but nothing major. We had probably texted on and off  for a year before I decided to meet. One of the reasons I probably delayed was because he was HIV positive. Yes I know U=U. But it still gave me pause. I mean I didn't know the guy. How did I know if he took his medication regularly. And I wasn't on PrEP at the time. There were also logistic problems. I was staying with family and couldn't host. 

 

But we kept talking -and I was horny -and we finally met at his apartment. He told me his 1st name at some point (I never got his last name). I was never sure whether it was really his name or an alias. I had -sometimes still do-gave him my middle name. It's actually helpful-if I've met someone on the apps-I usually used to give my middle name. Then when we met in person, and I knew the guy wasn't crazy, I'd tell him my real name. That way if someone texted me by my middle name -I knew I probably hadn't met him in person. And if he turned out to be crazy, I hadn't given my real name  

Let's call the guy Harry. Harry and I did exchange phone numbers. And we continued to meet intermittently over probably 3 to 4 years. This was truly a fbud relationship. We only met at his apartment. I knew his profession but not exactly where he worked. He knew where I worked. He def was not someone I was majorly attracted to. But he was often the only guy available. I know I wasn't the only one he would see because he was into videoing encounters. (He had lots and lots of self-made videos).  Plus he liked multiples, and that's not my usual cup of tea. He also liked to smoke meth. That was the main time he wanted to see me. I don't do drugs. And to tell the truth if I had had more opportunity for other fbuds, I probably wouldn't have continued to see him. But I'm a chubby bald bear. Not that many guys are interested in me. And from time to time, I needed to be with someone. 

But this was a casual relationship. We were definitely only fbuds. We never went out anywhere together, never had a meal, never watched TV (except a few bits of his porn videos or the videos he had recorded). Often I would text, and he wouldn't respond at all for weeks. Sometimes he'd text me, and I'd tell him I couldn't meet. Sometimes he'd disappear off the apps-often when he wasn't smoking meth as much. I don't think we met very often during Covid. But it's difficult to remember exactly. 

All the dates are difficult to remember at this point- I think it might have been a year since I last saw him. But I think it was last October he texted me that he had been diagnosed with cancer. I told him how sorry I was. But it was a short text conversation. I didn't hear from him after that. 

Starting in January because of financial problems, I've had to move in with relatives. It's not just  that I can't host, but often meetings from the apps occur late at night. Apparently not only do the girls get prettier at closing time-but chubby bears often become more attractive too. However because of my living situation, I can't take off in the middle of the night. So I haven't been meeting a lot of people. 

I've thought about Harry from time to time. But didn't text. After I moved in with my relatives, I reduced my time on the apps for months since I couldn't often meet. When I got back on a few months ago, I didn't see him on either Growlr or Scruff which were the apps I used to see him on. 

Last night for some reason I was thinking about Harry, and I put his phone number in a search website-this one in case anyone is interested https://www.fastpeoplesearch.com/ I'm not sure why I had never looked him up before.

The website managed to pull up his name. Turns out he did give me his real first name. I googled him-expecting to maybe find his LinkedIn profile or Facebook page. Instead I found his obituary. He had died last March. 

The news was quite a shock. So now I'm feeling pretty awful. I feel like I should have checked in on him at some point. While we were only non-exclusive fbuds, it seems to me that if I had been a more decent person, I would have gotten back in touch with him. I will say that it was in the back of my mind that he'd contact me again to let me know how he was doing. But when he didn't, I should have checked in on him. 

I can't help thinking that I'm an esshole for not checking in to see how Harry was doing. I only hope I take this lesson to heart and work on being a more caring person.

I just thought of a quote from "A Christmas Carol."  Scrooge tells Marley he was always a good businessman. Marley replies that "Mankind should have been his business."  That's how I'm feeling now.  

Gman

You were a regular and reliable fuck buddy, he reached out to you because you were in his contacts. Maybe he was trying to say goodbye, I'm sure he also reached out too many others..

Please move on! No need for coulda woulda shoulda 

Edited October 9, 2023 by marylander1940

[marylander1940]

7 hours ago, soloyo215 said:

Without getting into details, I had a similar situation. What I did was something symbolic to make amends to him and myself. I volunteered some of my work to something that I knew he cared for. I felt good about it after.

Maybe doing the next best thing can give you some kind of peace, closure, absolution, or whatever you might feel you need.

You did something amazing; I'll keep that in mind, and I would recommend anyone in a similar situation to do exactly that.... but considering @Gar1eth circumstances I doubt he has the time and ability to do anything like this. 

[+ sync]

Remembering the good times is a healthy way to respect his memory and lessen your sense of loss.  

[ICTJOCK]

Interesting background.   I certainly wasn't expecting that sort of ending.     My thought is,  use the experience to help guide your future.   There isn't anything you can do for Harry,........

Except learn from what happened.   Don't ever forget how this experience has changed you and use it to perhaps help others.... and you.      

Edited October 10, 2023 by ICTJOCK

[BuffaloKyle]

There was nothing you could have done differently. He had a lot going on health wise being HIV+ and may or may not have been taking meds for it like you said. Then to be doing meth on top of it doesn't help at all. So once he got diagnosed with cancer his prognosis probably wasn't good. Don't beat yourself up over anything.