Interest or "microagression"?

[+ José Soplanucas]

27 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

Any question can be taken as a micro-agression if one wants to take it that way.

Similarly, micro-aggressions can be easily disguised as genuine curiosity. It is all about the circumstances. 

[Guest]

1 hour ago, BSR said:

This sums up the Cult of Victimhood:  the knack for taking any possible situation and figuring out how to make yourself a victim.

 

Especially, as an example, of that professor's offense at being asked to help locate an item in a supermarket or store. When people have asked me if I know where to find something, I've never thought "Oh, my heavens! I'm a respected physician. How dare this person ask me where to find the peanut butter!" 😱 If I know, I tell the person; if not, I just say that I'm sorry. She said in her lecture "What your intention is in asking the question is irrelevant. The only thing that matters is how I receive the question." ! My thought is that maybe she should be asking herself what the intention is when someone asks a question (like finding peanut butter). The only thing SHE can control is how she chooses to frame the situation. If she chooses to read ill intention in innocent questions, her life will probably feel full of ill will.

Edited May 21, 2023 by Unicorn

[pubic_assistance]

9 hours ago, SouthOfTheBorder said:

 It’s actually pretty cringe-worthy when it happens. It reeks of some sort of superiority, whether you know it or not.  

I'm guessing the issue is a regional one. I grew up in the Northeast, lived in LA and NYC and everywhere I've lived there are a variety of ethnic backgrounds that people always discuss freely.

As I stated, the only "touchy" group I've ever encountered in all my years are the descendants of early Africans who arrived as cargo, not immigrants.

I have never lived in the South, so given your screen name this may be a Southerner's issue since you seem to find it so inappropriate and I completely disagree given MY experiences.

[+ purplekow]

• "Are you gay?"" I love gay people.""  My best friend  is gay."  "Went to a pride parade with him."   Substitute any ethnic group for gay and pride and it comes off as equally patronizing.  You can ask.  You may get polite responses. It may even lead to a pleasant conversation.    But do not be surprised if it does not.  

Edited May 21, 2023 by purplekow

[+ José Soplanucas]

The issue is expanding our understanding of others' circumstances. If you live in the USA, White Supremacy and structural racism are a universal experience. If you feel like you are not experiencing it, perhaps you are on the "lucky" side of the equation.

It is true some are going too far and are overreacting to potential and even imaginary nuances. We have work to do there.

Often, the critics of "victimhood" are blind to recognizing when victims exist. 

 

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, BSR said:

This sums up the Cult of Victimhood:  the knack for taking any possible situation and figuring out how to make yourself a victim.

I couldn't agree more.

[+ José Soplanucas]

1 minute ago, pubic_assistance said:

As I stated, the only "touchy" group I've ever encountered in all my years are the descendants of early Africans who arrived as cargo, not immigrants.

I quote you to preserve your eloquence from possible future editions. 

Booo, touchy people.

[pubic_assistance]

6 minutes ago, purplekow said:

• "Are you gay?"" I love gay people.""  My best friend  is gay."  "Went to a pride parade with him."   Substitute any ethnic group for gay and pride and it comes off as equally patronizing.  You can ask.  You may get polite responses. It may even lead to a pleasant conversation.    But do not be surprised if it does not.  

Not the same thing. Sorry. I disagree, because I would never have this conversation with someone.

[pubic_assistance]

2 minutes ago, José Soplanucas said:

Booo, touchy people.

You're minimizing my point with this sentence. While my statement was made to maximize the reasons why some black Americans may find offense about being asked the same question. They were STOLEN from their homeland, so it's obviously a touchy subject for them. That's why I stated I rarely discuss it with black people, and agree that is this situation it's inappropriate for obvious reasons.

 

[caramelsub]

7 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

 

As I stated, the only "touchy" group I've ever encountered in all my years are the descendants of early Africans who arrived as cargo, not immigrants.

 

I disagree here. I think a lot of black folks don’t mind being asked about their heritage. In fact I would go as far and say many black people consider that a compliment to be asked what their ethnicity is. Because it makes them seem more exotic. Many blacks mixed with native americans, latino people, whites, the list goes on. Black people love to feel exotic. Look at Beyonce, she loves to say she is half creole. So yes I think black people love to be asked what they are mixed with, especially if they are light complexion black people.

[+ purplekow]

5 minutes ago, caramelsub said:

I disagree here. I think a lot of black folks don’t mind being asked about their heritage. In fact I would go as far and say many black people consider that a compliment to be asked what their ethnicity is. Because it makes them seem more exotic. Many blacks mixed with native americans, latino people, whites, the list goes on. Black people love to feel exotic. Look at Beyonce, she loves to say she is half creole. So yes I think black people love to be asked what they are mixed with, especially if they are light complexion black people.

Too bad they do not have a cringe emoji here.  

[CuriousByNature]

18 hours ago, Xavitv said:

It’s not particularly offensive, but I think that it’s a question that should be part of a conversation but not the start of a conversation. 

you wouldn’t necessarily ask a non “exotic” person where they’re from or not as interested. 

Anyone I meet who has an accent - regardless of appearance or ethnicity - I tend to ask where they are from originally.  It's not to judge, but to learn more about the person.  Rarely has it been awkward.

[pubic_assistance]

1 minute ago, caramelsub said:

I disagree here. I think a lot of black folks don’t mind being asked about their heritage

Might be true, but as I stated, I realize the origins of heritage is a touchy subject so I avoid it with African-Americans. Conversely Africans themselves love being asked and gleefully discuss which tribe their family descended from. 

I have one very handsome friend who looks typically African but is  quite light skinned. His parents look white-European His brother and sister look white-European.  He loves to explain that this happened because one of his great-great-great grandparents were French slave traders, and the African gene got mixed in generations ago.

[+ José Soplanucas]

4 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

That's why I stated I rarely discuss it with black people, and agree that is this situation it's inappropriate for obvious reasons.

So you agree on the existence of real victims who may find offensive this line of questioning in certain circumstances. And you agree that this is a legitimate concern and not another "Cult of Victimhood" construction. And you agree that we must be tactful when asking this question, considering the circumstances.

Hopefully, you do not think that only Black American descendants of slaves deserve a gracious and exceptional pass. Hopefully, you think that even when, in your personal experience, only this group was "touchy" about it, there may be other groups that, in certain circumstances, could also be offended by this kind of questioning.

If that is the case, we have never agreed more. 

 

[pubic_assistance]

1 minute ago, José Soplanucas said:

Hopefully, you do not think that only Black American descendants of slaves deserve a gracious and exceptional pass.

Sorry @José Soplanucasbut YES. I do think people who were stolen from their homeland deserve a pass. The rest are just playing victim and associating racism with every conversation.

[+ José Soplanucas]

1 minute ago, pubic_assistance said:

Sorry @José Soplanucasbut YES. I do think people who were stolen from their homeland deserve a pass. The rest are just playing victim and associating racism with every conversation.

So gracious of you!

[caramelsub]

I think white American people don’t like being asked what ethnicity they are because it makes them seem like they aren’t from here or like they aren’t American. But trust me, black people love to be asked what they are mixed with. I’ve been asked that multiple times by blacks and whites a like. I find it as a compliment. White people don’t like to feel exotic, but many black people do.

[pubic_assistance]

1 minute ago, caramelsub said:

I think white American people don’t like being asked what ethnicity they are because it makes them seem like they aren’t from here or like they aren’t American.

Actually, in MY case it's the opposite. I have ethnic roots to Native American tribes-people on both my mother's and father's side of the family making me MORE "from here" than many Americans. All in all it's just an interesting bit of conversation about how early Quaker settlers would freely mix with the Iroquois and intermarriage was fairly common at a time when most Europeans wouldn't even marry outside their own language group.

[Rudynate]

I don't ask people who I don't know fairly well.  Partly out of an abundance of discretion, but also because I may get more information than I wanted because i'm not that interested.  Since I''m not interested in their background, I assume  they aren't interested in mine.  It's the sort of thing where people think their own history is fascinating but they aren't really that interested in hearing about someone else's.   And I'm the same way - I think my family history is fascinating, but I doubt whether anyone else does. 

Even if I actually am curious, it is kind of a rule for me that I don't discuss "origins" unless I know somebody fairly well.  

 

[Rudynate]

39 minutes ago, caramelsub said:

I think white American people don’t like being asked what ethnicity they are because it makes them seem like they aren’t from here or like they aren’t American. But trust me, black people love to be asked what they are mixed with. I’ve been asked that multiple times by blacks and whites a like. I find it as a compliment. White people don’t like to feel exotic, but many black people do.

I had a fun interaction with a black woman quite a long time ago.  She asked me, "Honey, what ARE you?"  I wasn't sure what she meant and asked her  what she meant, and she  said , "You know, you''re racial background or your ethnicity."  I didn't mind at all, but it was a surprising question.  I said "I'm just an average white boy, nothing special."  People occasionally say that I have an "exotic" appearance, and she was the same. She said, "There's something in there.  I can see it!"    It was an enjoyable conversation.  

[SouthOfTheBorder]

1 hour ago, pubic_assistance said:

I'm guessing the issue is a regional one. I grew up in the Northeast, lived in LA and NYC and everywhere I've lived there are a variety of ethnic backgrounds that people always discuss freely.

It’s not regional 

most of the time, when these questions are asked to people-of-color who take offense - you’d never know because they won’t tell you. They’re used to it.  They will just take it as patronizing, uneducated or similar.
it’s exactly the same as someone making patronizing, dated or otherwise insensitive comments to gay people. When it happens to me I just mark it up as another stupid person I have no interest in getting to know - and move on. 

so, back to the OP original point of inquiry - on meeting new people, why would anyone wade into some conversation points that may be considered inappropriate, offensive or hostile ?  not exactly a way to ingratiate yourself to new acquaintances - but hey, you do you

and no, my screen name has nothing to do with where I’m from or my ethnicity.  I’m white as they come and know exactly how stupid people can be re; racial sensitivities, or lack thereof.  

[Lookin]

10 hours ago, wsc said:

Can we not display to others, both "givers" and "takers," the same consideration as we would wish for ourselves, and simply assume that no offense was intended?

Going into this thread, that would have been my take also.

However, having learned that several posters do find questions of ethnic origin to be insensitive or insulting, I've got no problem finding something else to talk about.

Seems equally simple to assume that folks are worthy of respect according to their own criteria.  If it takes a little extra effort and understanding on my part, I can't see any harm in that.  And I'd sure be grateful if someone showed the same effort and understanding towards me.

 

 

[Guest]

3 hours ago, purplekow said:

• "Are you gay?"" I love gay people.""  My best friend  is gay." ...

Well, a statement such as "I love gay people" could be considered patronizing, because it's just stupid and meaningless. As it happens, while you were typing that, or at least since I last perused this string, we were grabbing a pre-dinner drink at a bar. My man said that while he was waiting for our drinks, a woman complimented his looks and asked if he was with someone. When he pointed me out, she said "I'm so happy for you. My daughter and her wife are expecting their first baby soon." This is quite different from a vacuous statement such as "I love gay people," and shows genuine support and understanding.

Similarly, when I compliment the friendliness of Jordanians, I show that I know something of the culture of the country, which prides itself above all on its friendliness. Or when I compliment the beauty of Chile, I show that I understand the Chileans' pride in the beauty and variety of their country. It would also be meaningless to say "gays are so friendly," although perhaps somewhat less to say "I love the gay sense of fashion." 

[SouthOfTheBorder]

22 hours ago, Unicorn said:

Perhaps the most handsome man is very exotic

btw - this is totally outdated language and not an appropriate reference to human beings. using that language makes the speaker sound old & out-of-touch. 
 

Edited May 21, 2023 by SouthOfTheBorder

[SouthOfTheBorder]

3 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

That's why I stated I rarely discuss it with black people, and agree that is this situation it's inappropriate for obvious reasons.

Please explain your criteria to determine the “black people” where you would avoid asking “where are you from?” questions vs mixed race people where it would be ok ?