Can Prejudice Masquerade as Preference?

[DruJac]

I was at a stripper event recently and approached a good-looking dancer. After some small talk, I took him up on a couple of lapdances to test the waters, and it turns out that the waters were pretty fantastic. It was made clear that the menu would expand considerably for a private dance. 

We returned to the floor for a drink. I had decided that I was going to take him up on on the offer for the champagne room. But, apparently two lapdances is all he needed to get comfortable philosophically as well as physically.

Without a lot of preamble or prompting, he made it clear that he generally doesn’t give dances to people of color but asians are okay. Honestly, I was too shocked to ask why and his views on race sounded pretty toxic. 

I have such a strong aversion to racism that this shut down any chance of me giving him any more money or attention. I decided not to "have it out" with him, I figured it wouldn't do much good anyway so I told him that I forgot about something and bailed.

Not necessarily looking for advice but the experience has stayed with me and I can’t seem to forget it. How would you handle a similar situation?

[Stormy]

5 minutes ago, DruJac said:

I was at a stripper event recently and approached a good-looking dancer. After some small talk, I took him up on a couple of lapdances to test the waters, and it turns out that the waters were pretty fantastic. It was made clear that the menu would expand considerably for a private dance. 

We returned to the floor for a drink. I had decided that I was going to take him up on on the offer for the champagne room. But, apparently two lapdances is all he needed to get comfortable philosophically as well as physically.

Without a lot of preamble or prompting, he made it clear that he generally doesn’t give dances to people of color but asians are okay. Honestly, I was too shocked to ask why and his views on race sounded pretty toxic. 

I have such a strong aversion to racism that this shut down any chance of me giving him any more money or attention. I decided not to "have it out" with him, I figured it wouldn't do much good anyway so I told him that I forgot about something and bailed.

Not necessarily looking for advice but the experience has stayed with me and I can’t seem to forget it. How would you handle a similar situation?

You did the right thing my bailing.  I’ve never had a problem like that but I would bail

[Guest]

That certainly showed unprofessional behavior on the part of the erotic dancer. Everybody has his preferences (I will rarely find bald men, the obese, or gingers attractive, for example), but his job entails ignoring any such preferences. Some people aren't meant for certain jobs, and this appeared to be the case here. Worse yet than bringing your private feelings onto the job is expressing them, unnecessarily, to a hapless customer. I can't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. Having a prurient preference for certain skin colors doesn't mean a person is racist. However, for an exotic dancer to do his job, he needs to be able to show every customer a good time, and put those preferences aside. 

[DruJac]

1 hour ago, Unicorn said:

That certainly showed unprofessional behavior on the part of the erotic dancer. Everybody has his preferences (I will rarely find bald men, the obese, or gingers attractive, for example), but his job entails ignoring any such preferences. Some people aren't meant for certain jobs, and this appeared to be the case here. Worse yet than bringing your private feelings onto the job is expressing them, unnecessarily, to a hapless customer. I can't blame you for feeling uncomfortable. Having a prurient preference for certain skin colors doesn't mean a person is racist. However, for an exotic dancer to do his job, he needs to be able to show every customer a good time, and put those preferences aside. 

I appreciate that. I’m worried now that this dose of realism in what is supposed to be a fantasy space has killed the magic.

Even I forget sometimes that it is a workplace for them after all. 

[+ The Big Guy]

It saddened me to read of your experience.  I agree with @Unicorn, personal preference is one thing but expressing it the way he did it was inappropriate.  Please don’t let one asshole spoil what is usually a great experience.  

[traveler]

That's wild!  Drujac, are you a person of color (non-Asian)?  

[nate_sf]

If this were a vin diagram, I think there would be an overlap between preference and racism. Sure, people may just have a preference for what turns them on but would not otherwise be racist, but for others I think it's one of the same. It sounds like that was the case with the dancer.

I agree you did the right thing to bail. But you could also have said something, even as simple as calmly saying "damn, that's really offensive." I think it's worth calling people out on their bs, but it can be hard in the moment if you are caught by surprise. I mean, who expects someone to say something like that?

But don't let this ruin things for you or wreck the fantasy. There are jerks and there are good guys, so find the guys who are good through and through and stick with them.

[pubic_assistance]

It's always been my experience that openly speaking to people in a racist manner is an indication of that person's insecurity.

I have my own "racial preferences" but I don't use them to make people feel bad.

This guy was clearly digging around your emotions to find a crack in the wall to put him in a superior position to manipulate you.

You dodged a bullet. Sounds like a total asshole.

 

[+ IronMaus]

What a dick! I think you did the right thing. Personally I would have called him out for it and told him I regretted my interactions with him. Many people get to go through life being actively racist without confrontation. Many people wouldn't change if it did result in a confrontation. But it's always a possibility that something can get through to people. We aren't born racist we are taught it - and we can unlearn it.

[DruJac]

On 3/26/2023 at 9:50 PM, traveler said:

That's wild!  Drujac, are you a person of color (non-Asian)?  

I consider myself a mixed race person of color. I am not Asian, so I was perplexed that he would share those feelings. Was this supposed to make me feel special or something? 

The more I reflect, I wish I had said more in the moment. Maybe correcting his approach to his business rather than making it about color, but I can’t help but think it might have made things worse. 

[DMICS]

 

To answer the title in the thread...can it? Yes. But in my experiences I'd lean more towards that it is. And I find it intensified in the gay community, one where inclusivity is preached a lot. 

 

On 3/26/2023 at 2:39 PM, DruJac said:

Without a lot of preamble or prompting, he made it clear that he generally doesn’t give dances to people of color but asians are okay. 

 

And sadly this is usually the breakdown every time, it's the norm now. 

[pubic_assistance]

21 hours ago, DruJac said:

I consider myself a mixed race person of color. I am not Asian, so I was perplexed that he would share those feelings. Was this supposed to make me feel special or something? 

As I stated previously.

It's manipulation.

He's telling you that you are inately inferior. Then telling you that in spite of your inferiority he's going to make a special exception.

So yes, he's trying to say you're being granted the opportunity of a life time to fuck somebody you don't deserve access to.

The very definition of racism.

Telling you that your skin color precludes you from access to prime services.

It's 2023. The only color precluding anyone from prime services is how much GREEN 💵you're willing to spend.

 

Edited March 29, 2023 by pubic_assistance
punctuation

[traveler]

55 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

As I stated previously.

It's manipulation.

He's telling you that you are inately inferior then telling you that in spite of your inferiority he's going to make a special exception.

So yes, he's trying to say you're being granted the opportunity of a life time to fuck somebody you don't deserve access to.

The very definition of racism.

Telling you that your skin color precludes you from access to prime services.

It's 2023. The only color precluding anyone from prime services is how much GREEN 💵you're willing to spend.

 

I agree - it was definitely manipulation AND racist.  Asshole!  

[Guest]

An old blues song from the Jim Crow South comes to mind. Sadly, such attitudes can still be encountered today.

 

[DruJac]

11 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

As I stated previously.

It's manipulation.

He's telling you that you are inately inferior then telling you that in spite of your inferiority he's going to make a special exception.

So yes, he's trying to say you're being granted the opportunity of a life time to fuck somebody you don't deserve access to.

The very definition of racism.

Telling you that your skin color precludes you from access to prime services.

It's 2023. The only color precluding anyone from prime services is how much GREEN 💵you're willing to spend.

 

Well I guess that’s why it backfired. I just hate manipulation. 

[DWnyc]

Not a surprise, and issues that many have to deal with on a daily basis in all walks of life.

No disrespect meant to anyone, but I think some demographics (eg the dancer here) frequently fall back on their perceptions of superiority (not just on race, could be about age, assessment of their body/looks etc) to demean those interacting with them to try and narrow the gap they feel with them on power and status. The dancer must hate that something he despises has the economic power to be a customer he has to accommodate to pay his bills. 
 

Good for the OP for not facilitating that - with enough people standing up to him he may think about censoring his obnoxious behavior.

And I’ll add that this topic has come up a few times either directly or indirectly (eg why might a provider ask for a photo and is that ok) and it seems awkward for many to discuss, however well meaning they may be. Part of that is, it is hard for some to believe / understand something they don’t experience themselves. Please keep raising examples to educate all of us.

 

[DWnyc]

On 3/26/2023 at 4:08 PM, Unicorn said:

his job entails ignoring any such preferences. Some people aren't meant for certain jobs, and this appeared to be the case here. 

Had this been say a restaurant, a government agency, an accounting firm etc one could make a complaint. 

And if the provider or business was dismissive, defensive, justifying preference as a constitutional right etc they would quickly change their tune once bad publicity derailed their nonsense. 

This unregulated business with cloudy legal status makes that hard. Keep your preference to your hookups and private life, none of my business. But if you want the right to earn money from those able to pay, you deserve all the disruption you get if you bring your preference to the workplace and enough people find it offensive. 

[DWnyc]

On 3/26/2023 at 5:57 PM, DruJac said:

I appreciate that. I’m worried now that this dose of realism in what is supposed to be a fantasy space has killed the magic.

Even I forget sometimes that it is a workplace for them after all. 

Don’t let it.

Just appreciate the times that are fun all the more and appreciate the providers working to give you that. 

[+ sniper]

It's not unusual to have a preference, plenty of people have a "type" but announcing it preemptively is appalling and indicative of a character flaw. There's a line between "keeping it real" and being an asshole and this crossed it. The kind of person who likes to get a rise out of people/push their buttons is generally not the kind of person worth getting to know. 

 

 

[+ sniper]

His job is to make people feel better, and he was doing the opposite of that. Maybe if you pointed out to him that that wasn't a great business strategy, he'd get the point, but probably not. He was "negging" you, as the douchebro "pickup artists" call it.

[DruJac]

On 3/29/2023 at 10:35 PM, sniper said:

His job is to make people feel better, and he was doing the opposite of that. Maybe if you pointed out to him that that wasn't a great business strategy, he'd get the point, but probably not. He was "negging" you, as the douchebro "pickup artists" call it.

Wow (this is a thing?), I feel a bit naive for having no idea of this concept. Thanks for the lesson. A bit of an uncomfortable conversation to have but I’m happy to learn from it.

[Rudynate]

On 3/26/2023 at 11:39 AM, DruJac said:

I was at a stripper event recently and approached a good-looking dancer. After some small talk, I took him up on a couple of lapdances to test the waters, and it turns out that the waters were pretty fantastic. It was made clear that the menu would expand considerably for a private dance. 

We returned to the floor for a drink. I had decided that I was going to take him up on on the offer for the champagne room. But, apparently two lapdances is all he needed to get comfortable philosophically as well as physically.

Without a lot of preamble or prompting, he made it clear that he generally doesn’t give dances to people of color but asians are okay. Honestly, I was too shocked to ask why and his views on race sounded pretty toxic. 

I have such a strong aversion to racism that this shut down any chance of me giving him any more money or attention. I decided not to "have it out" with him, I figured it wouldn't do much good anyway so I told him that I forgot about something and bailed.

Not necessarily looking for advice but the experience has stayed with me and I can’t seem to forget it. How would you handle a similar situation?

Of course - you had to bail.  Otherwise, you wouldn't be being true to yourself.