Being a feminine man and not finding anyone that wants you

[Merboy]

I have had many friends and even including myself in this I can say that the feminine gay guys - the ones that are very beautiful but exude such a feminine, soft, sweet gentle energy - are just not wanted by other gay men.  Everybody seems to want Chris Hemsworth - basically a straight guy that either gives it or takes it with other men... and that's just not the reality of the gay world, which has a LOT of very feminine men who are nice, and then some that are not so nice, but that's like every community.  It just seems to be that there's maybe 1 guy that'd be open to dating a femme and then there's 1,000 femmes for that 1 guy... yet there are maybe 50 "straight-acting" men and all of them are going to be sought after by the other "straight-acting" men.

You really can't win in this community.  And that old idea that masc and femme wind up together isn't happening anymore, at least not in my eyes.  No tough hardened butch Marine man is going to want to come out and then be with a delicate little flower man.... or maybe he would and I've just never been a catch myself, and there I go again 😞

Honestly, maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.  I'm so feminine that I'm becoming a woman physically now, and my days in the "gay world" (whatever that was, maybe it was just me and my old housemate playing Harry Potter card games and talking about his attraction to bears) are over and there was really no place for me in there anyway.

[My given name here] was never going to attract the kinds of men that he wanted.  What he wanted was straight men.... and the more masculine gay men are into the buff masculine gay men... or so it seems.  I dunno.  All I know is that I could never find anybody in all these years living as a man... and that is a shame because it's better to have loved than never to have loved at all, and I've never had anything.  😞

[Guest]

Whatever hang-ups one has only serve to hurt the person with the hang-ups. I'd say I prefer a masculine man to a feminine one, but that's just a milder preference. Overall looks and personality are more important. My main two hang-ups are that I really get turned off by bald and/or obese men. Those are the only two things, that, try as I might, I can't get beyond. My boyfriend "Chris" isn't really masculine, but he has so many other wonderful qualities that are more important to me. There's a drag queen on RuPaul's Drag Race UK this season that I'm totally googoo for, Ella Vaday. He's not the most masculine man around, but I'd go pretty wild for him if I had the chance (and I weren't already hooked up). I'm nuts for him (and so is "Chris"). My understanding is that lots of men are also wild for him....

[Guest]

 

[+ purplekow]

Think I could have a helluva night with Ella Vaday.  

[jtwalker]

I think we all have our hangups.  I don't mind feminine guys, but the "gay lisp" that is common with feminine gays is something that is a huge turnoff for some reason.  I don't know why, but I just can't get past it.

[Rudynate]

Life often requires us to manage our expectations if we are going to be happy.  As a horny gay teenager, I was attracted to the studly, handsome hunks that I saw in ads in GQ and Esquire.  I just assumed that life would be like that - one hunk after another.  And when I started to get out and around in the gay community, I saw that there are a lot of that kind of man in our community and I chased after them.  The thing is, as has been noted, that kind of man is usually attracted to men of the same type, so more often than not I was frustrated and disappointed and I felt sorry for myself because I couldn't find a boyfriend.    Bit by bit, I began to realize that I was looking for a fantasy, not a boyfriend, and my view of what I found attractive in a man began to expand.  The more it expanded, the less lonely I was. 

[marylander1940]

18 hours ago, Merboy said:

I have had many friends and even including myself in this I can say that the feminine gay guys - the ones that are very beautiful but exude such a feminine, soft, sweet gentle energy - are just not wanted by other gay men.  Everybody seems to want Chris Hemsworth - basically a straight guy that either gives it or takes it with other men... and that's just not the reality of the gay world, which has a LOT of very feminine men who are nice, and then some that are not so nice, but that's like every community.  It just seems to be that there's maybe 1 guy that'd be open to dating a femme and then there's 1,000 femmes for that 1 guy... yet there are maybe 50 "straight-acting" men and all of them are going to be sought after by the other "straight-acting" men.

You really can't win in this community.  And that old idea that masc and femme wind up together isn't happening anymore, at least not in my eyes.  No tough hardened butch Marine man is going to want to come out and then be with a delicate little flower man.... or maybe he would and I've just never been a catch myself, and there I go again 😞

Honestly, maybe I don't know what the fuck I'm talking about.  I'm so feminine that I'm becoming a woman physically now, and my days in the "gay world" (whatever that was, maybe it was just me and my old housemate playing Harry Potter card games and talking about his attraction to bears) are over and there was really no place for me in there anyway.

[My given name here] was never going to attract the kinds of men that he wanted.  What he wanted was straight men.... and the more masculine gay men are into the buff masculine gay men... or so it seems.  I dunno.  All I know is that I could never find anybody in all these years living as a man... and that is a shame because it's better to have loved than never to have loved at all, and I've never had anything.  😞

I think most gay men want the whole package but settle for a hookup, date, FWB, LTR, or even marriage with whatever they can get... Some are more picky while others are more openminded.

I wouldn't be surprised if some guys on here might overlook how effeminate a guy is based on his looks, etc. To each his own. 

 

[caramelsub]

For me, I just think being attracted to a effeminate guy is like being attracted to a woman. I just can not do it. I’m attracted to masculinity, and ruggedness, not a man with the feminine characteristics of a woman. 

Edited October 30, 2021 by caramelsub

[xyz48B]

22 hours ago, Merboy said:

Everybody seems to want Chris Hemsworth

Not I. Although I’ve long said I’m nobody. 

[HotWhiteThirties]

7 hours ago, jtwalker said:

I think we all have our hangups.  I don't mind feminine guys, but the "gay lisp" that is common with feminine gays is something that is a huge turnoff for some reason.  I don't know why, but I just can't get past it.

Ok. This is going to come across stereotypical, and I am sorry that it does, but - at least for me - I wasn't aware that the two attributes were separable. For me, that's the essence of feminine guys - both their carriage and speech patterns. Not sure I have ever met a guy who I felt was quite feminine, and didn't have a "lispy" speech pattern. Perhaps I have??? If so, it's been so infrequent that I don't have enough examples to think of one without the other. 
 

Personally, I can find myself attracted to both types - masculine and feminine. So take heart, @Merboy!  I would be identified as traditionally "masculine" in carriage, posture, and speaking patterns by most folks.  At least as those attributes are "traditionally" defined, and based on feedback others have given me over the years. I do groom well, though. That's my "red flag!" 😜🤣🤣

Edited October 30, 2021 by HotWhiteThirties

[lonely_john]

Hi @Merboy Been there done that. I've read many of your posts on this forum and at risk of sounding rude I must strongly recommend you to look for therapy and counselling. I've frequently sensed a subtle but creepy depression in many of your vents here and it's just not healthy. We can give you as much advice as we can in here but every person is a different world that needs tailored assistance in this kind of situations. I went through the same problem long time ago and it was only through therapy that I could understand why I felt the way I felt and what to do about it. I think the best advice on this thread was given to you by @Rudynatebut it's not a matter of just receiving the advice. You have to find your own way to internalize it and incorporate it in your mind, as mindsets don't change overnight. It takes time, patience and effort. One must learn to accept rejection, as it's part of life, and know that what others think about you does not define your worth. And please, oh please, stop looking for a partner ONLY on Grindr or other gay hookup apps, or gay bars, which have become their physical replica. They're the worst for your current state of mind. I truthfully wish that you find happiness and content with yourself and hopefully, one day, a partner. It's possible. Don't give up.

Edited October 31, 2021 by lonely_john

[marylander1940]

6 hours ago, caramelsub said:

For me, I just think being attracted to a effeminate guy is like being attracted to a woman. I just can not do it. I’m attracted to masculinity, and ruggedness, not a man with the feminine characteristics of a woman. 

From 1 to 10 one being a feminate and hen being masculine... how would you rate yourself?

How would you rate the guys you hire?

[caramelsub]

10 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

From 1 to 10 one being a feminate and hen being masculine... how would you rate yourself?

How would you rate the guys you hire?

Good question. To be honest in bed, I like to assume the submissive role, but one can be masculine and submissive sexually. I’m masculine enough that most people assume I’m straight or have a girlfriend, but I’m not like a jock that’s into sports, tools, working on cars, that sort of thing. So I would give myself a 7. The guys I prefer to hire are like 9 or 10.

[Guest]

7 hours ago, HotWhiteThirties said:

... Not sure I have ever met a guy who I felt was quite feminine, and didn't have a "lispy" speech pattern. Perhaps I have??? If so, it's been so infrequent that I don't have enough examples to think of one without the other. 
 

...

There are a lot of men I consider more feminine, by the way they walk or groom themselves, for example, who don't have lispy speech. A lot of the drag queens on RuPaul's Drag Race fit into that category, IMO. They may have a more swishy walk or wear makeup even when not in drag, but not all of them have lispy speech. My "Chris" is kind of like that as well. He grooms himself in a somewhat feminine way, but he doesn't lisp. No big deal for me; I can live with it. 

[Merboy]

11 hours ago, lonely_john said:

Hi @Merboy Been there done that. I've read many of your posts on this forum and at risk of sounding rude I must strongly recommend you to look for therapy and counselling. I've frequently sensed a subtle but creepy depression in many of your vents here and it's just not healthy. We can give you as much advice as we can in here but every person is a different world that needs tailored assistance in this kind of situations. I went through the same problem long time ago and it was only through therapy that I could understand why I felt the way I felt and what to do about it. I think the best advice on this thread was given to you by @Rudynatebut it's not a matter of just receiving the advice. You have to find your own way to internalize it and incorporate it in your mind, as mindsets don't change overnight. It takes time, patience and effort. One must learn to accept rejection, as it's part of life, and know that what others think about you does not define your worth. And please, oh please, stop looking for a partner ONLY on Grindr or other gay hookup apps, or gay bars, which have become their physical replica. They're the worst for your current state of mind. I truthfully wish that you find happiness and content with yourself and hopefully, one day, a partner. It's possible. Don't give up.

Thank you so much lonely_john -  i know i need help, i am already in therapy so i find it so helpful too.... and I just want to thank you all for being so kind here, this forum is a truly great place to form a community!

[+ WilliamM]

12 hours ago, Merboy said:

Thank you so much lonely_john -  i know i need help, i am already in therapy so i find it so helpful too.... and I just want to thank you all for being so kind here, this forum is a truly great place to form a community!

You are an essential part of our community, my friend.

[Merboy]

23 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

You are an essential part of our community, my friend.

thank u love! thank u..

[+ WilliamM]

19 hours ago, Unicorn said:

There are a lot of men I consider more feminine, by the way they walk or groom themselves, for example, who don't have lispy speech. A lot of the drag queens on RuPaul's Drag Race fit into that category, IMO. They may have a more swishy walk or wear makeup even when not in drag, but not all of them have lispy speech. My "Chris" is kind of like that as well. He grooms himself in a somewhat feminine way, but he doesn't lisp. No big deal for me; I can live with it. 

How did drag queens come into this discussion?

[+ DynamicUno]

I hope you are open with your therapist about your frustrations, and they are helping you build healthy expectations for meeting and dating someone who would be a potential partner for you.

Back in my barhopping days, I knew a guy (a friend of a friend) who was constantly chasing after the gymbunnies. He wasn't particularly femme, but he was .... intense, all over the place sometimes in how he interacted with people  The guy was pretty fit, but no bodybuilder, but he had his type and he'd spend a lot of time pining after whichever guy caught his eye that night.  He'd would get pissy if he was brushed off sometimes, and go through periods bemoaning how unfair it was.  The sad thing was there were a couple very fit guys that had been interested in him, but he didn't ever reciprocate the interest because they weren't bulked up bodybuilder types. 

The thing I'm wondering is if you, like this guy I used to know, are pining after an idealized type of guy and not even noticing people who don't meet that ideal who are actually interested in you? 

For the record, I have no idea what I'd do on a date with Hemsworth...but I'd be all over Mark Ruffalo or Benedict Wong.

Edited November 1, 2021 by DynamicUno
Spelling & grammar

[xyz48B]

I’m going to be pedantic…

It seems to me it’s effeminate, not feminine.

Go ahead. Stone me.

[xyz48B]

I have a think for twinks and twunks…but I like them to top. That’s the difficult part – finding the twink who wants to top…

[Guest]

18 hours ago, xyz48B said:

I’m going to be pedantic…

It seems to me it’s effeminate, not feminine.

Go ahead. Stone me.

Maybe it's just me, but I always thought of "effeminate" as being a type of slur, where as "feminine" just being a descriptor with less emotion attached to it. 

[Guest]

We were at the Chicago Art Institute today, and came upon John Singer Sargent's "Study of an Egyptian Woman" today. The painting reminded me of one of "Chris's" more feminine-looking friends, let's call him "King Tut." That friend is actually fairly attractive. I said "Oh, look. It looks like King Tut!". He sent a photo of the painting and said that his friend King Tut would feel flattered.

[+ Pensant]

There are times when I’m quite turned on by cute and feminine guys. I’m told I come across as masculine, although I do spend time grooming and I dress expensively but understatedly, if there is such a word. Since I have a more dominant personality, I find that more feminine younger twinks are attracted to me, so it works out for me. That said, there’s a clear preference in our community for more masculine men and I can see why that’s a problem for some.

I also urge our unhappy friend to seek therapy. It will no doubt be very helpful!

[Guest]

1 hour ago, Pensant said:

...Since I have a more dominant personality, I find that more feminine younger twinks are attracted to me, so it works out for me...

I agree, and I'd add that "King Tut's" domestic partner (I think they've been together for about a year), let's call him "Mark Antony," is an extremely handsome, muscular, masculine, and intelligent man. So it's certainly not the case than a feminine man can't snag a handsome, intelligent, and/or masculine partner. He also has another coupled friend pair (married, in fact) in which one partner is significantly more masculine than the other. In that case, I'd give the edge on good looks to the more feminine one. My partner asked me last night at dinner if he was the most feminine partner I've ever had, and I said "Yes, and you're also the best!" 😍