Post-mortem etiquette

[Guest]

My mother died fairly suddenly after a number of years of declining mental function/dementia. She was therefore a great target for all kinds of scammers, and her financial advisers weren't able to stop her from some of them. The day after my mother died, my brother went through her check records to see where her money had gone. Indeed, some of it went to scammers. I felt somewhat uncomfortable at this, and didn't go through her records myself. What do you feel about a person's possessions after death? Are some things best not examined? Did any of you look through parents' checkbooks after one of them passed?

[KeepItReal]

My mother died fairly suddenly after a number of years of declining mental function/dementia. She was therefore a great target for all kinds of scammers, and her financial advisers weren't able to stop her from some of them. The day after my mother died, my brother went through her check records to see where her money had gone. Indeed, some of it went to scammers. I felt somewhat uncomfortable at this, and didn't go through her records myself. What do you feel about a person's possessions after death? Are some things best not examined? Did any of you look through parents' checkbooks after one of them passed?

Sometimes we do what needs to be done, regardless of the emotional impact. I did the same for my mother. I found a birthday card she got for me and never had the chance to present to me amongst her things (as was her custom) - still have it to this day; it is special to me.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

My mother died fairly suddenly after a number of years of declining mental function/dementia. She was therefore a great target for all kinds of scammers, and her financial advisers weren't able to stop her from some of them. The day after my mother died, my brother went through her check records to see where her money had gone. Indeed, some of it went to scammers. I felt somewhat uncomfortable at this, and didn't go through her records myself. What do you feel about a person's possessions after death? Are some things best not examined? Did any of you look through parents' checkbooks after one of them passed?

 

As a banker, I can attest to the benefits of reviewing the financials and how that has helped the heirs of the deceased.

 

(a) upon hearing of the passing on someone, it is not uncommon for a provider to 'accidently' bill for services that were already paid.

(b) sometimes the review of the checkbook ledger uncovers a $10,000 check paid to Bank X (not the regular bank of the deceased) leading to the discovery of a certificate of deposit.

 

When my grandmother died, not only were her checkbooks reviewed, but was also reviewed any of her folders with her records of investments or insurance policies purchased. In doing so, we found cash here and there. Grandma always wanted to have 'emergency cash' on hand, but didn't want it in her purse. We suspect that her financial records were some place she would remember she had hidden money in the house.

[+ sniper]

I don't get why you'd think you shouldn't check it out, especially since you had reason to be concerned about her decision-making ability. It's not a violation. I mean, ideally one of you would have been doing it periodically while she was alive.

 

There wasn't really anything left to check in my mother's case, as her not-that substantial funds were exhausted by her care expenses at the end. As I had been subsidizing her, I provided my siblings with an accounting of what I had spent and I just got a correspondingly larger share of the home equity when we split it.

[+ poolboy48220]

I wouldn't have thought there was anything to be gained by going through a deceased person's checkbook until I read @sam.fitzpatrick 's post. I'd certainly go through the rest of their stuff for memorabilia, figuring out what to donate/sell, etc.

[+ Charlie]

I handled all of my mother's financial affairs from the time she came to live with me at 89, because by then she was legally blind, and I continued to handle them after she was in the nursing home, where she died at 102, so I didn't have the same concerns you have about her competence. However, after she died I did inherit all her personal papers and possessions, because I was an only child. I went through all of them mainly because I didn't want to discard anything without knowing what it was. I found a trove of old photos, including one I had never seen of me with my first partner, and funeral cards, my baby record books, hand-written genealogies made by relations, etc., which gave me information I would never have otherwise known.

Edited May 23, 2019 by Charlie

[Rudynate]

Of course you do that. My oldest brothers wife died a couple of years ago. When they started going thought the house and her personal effects, they found around $50k stashed here and there.

 

 

When my oldest friend died from AIDS, his partner later told me that brokerage accounts and other assets just kept turning up for over a year.

[+ WilliamM]

My mother told us when she was having problems with her personal finances. My brother and I were lucky.

[+ nycman]

Go through everything. With good tax returns and bank statements

You should be able to “recreate” the last 5-7 years of her financial life.

 

I discovered bank accounts and investments that even the man who

was my parents financial advisor for over 10 years didn’t know existed.

 

Also, go through every pocket and every shoe in her wardrobe. Many

friends have unexpectedly found 10’s of thousands that way.

 

At first it feels invasive....then you realize it’s your responsibility.

[spider]

I was chosen to go through my mother’s purse. Really hard.

[+ pdxleo]

The gal I'd been living with for the last six years died over the Thanksgiving holidays. Totally unprepared, no written instructions, no guidance of any sort- so frustrating! At least there were no money issues, she hadn't worked for a couple years, just started receiving Soc Sec in September. Still, with no relatives close by, it fell to me to go through her things, decide what to keep and what to toss. I wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy, and Mum and I now have precise written details of finances, contacts (of course, not the hobby list ) and insurance plans- it's a difficult discussion, but necessary to have it.

[+ deej]

It's absolutely necessary to do this. I was fortunate that mom died in full control of her mental state and she'd pretty well planned everything. The grave was already purchased and she'd left some kind of account that we could walk into any bank in the country to get cash for funeral expenses.

 

Even so, while asking questions of the various advisors involved we uncovered a number of retirement accounts she'd forgot to mention over the years. (And now, a decade later, my sister still receives statements from time to time for accounts we didn't know existed.)

 

As for going through belongings, she did that a lot herself when she got a terminal diagnosis. We still found things we had no idea existed. It's a worthwhile exercise.

[LivingnLA]

My mother died fairly suddenly after a number of years of declining mental function/dementia. She was therefore a great target for all kinds of scammers, and her financial advisers weren't able to stop her from some of them. The day after my mother died, my brother went through her check records to see where her money had gone. Indeed, some of it went to scammers. I felt somewhat uncomfortable at this, and didn't go through her records myself. What do you feel about a person's possessions after death? Are some things best not examined? Did any of you look through parents' checkbooks after one of them passed?

 

@Unicorn, I am sorry for the sudden passing of your mother. I imagine there are many complex feelings about her. I wish you love and support as you grieve.

 

When each of my parents and grandparents passed, I was the one who handled the details. It was sometimes interesting what was found. There were lost insurance polices that were never mentioned and the insurance companies tried to ignore or deny until I shared all the documentation and payment history receipts. There were even some old stock certificates that turned into a wild goose chase and some jewelry that required expert advice. The letters between my parents when my dad was deployed are still precious to me today. So too are pictures from my parent's childhoods that I'd never seen before.

 

We all have secrets. We never really know what we will find. But, I consider it an honor and a solemn duty to archive a loved one's life. And as someone's loved one, I do my best to organize and document my own life so that it will be as painless and straightforward as possible for whoever is given the task of cataloging my life.

[+ sniper]

I actually have to go dig up my parents' death certificates because my father's employer(he died over 25 years ago) sent a letter saying they have some funds for him. I'm 99% sure it's probably under 100 bucks and not worth my time(because I was the one who helped my mother set up the rollover IRA from his pension plan), but maybe it's more...

[+ deej]

I actually have to go dig up my parents' death certificates because my father's employer(he died over 25 years ago) sent a letter saying they have some funds for him. I'm 99% sure it's probably under 100 bucks and not worth my time(because I was the one who helped my mother set up the rollover IRA from his pension plan), but maybe it's more...

A hundred bucks earning compound interest over a couple of decades could actually be decent money.

 

If you don't claim it, it may revert to the state (depending on locale) or may sit continuing to earn interest until claimed.

 

It's worth checking out.

[+ sniper]

A hundred bucks earning compound interest over a couple of decades could actually be decent money.

 

If you don't claim it, it may revert to the state (depending on locale) or may sit continuing to earn interest until claimed.

 

It's worth checking out.

The interest rate can't be that high, plus I'm one of six children so after it's split...

[alkan]

Like @LivingnLA, I am trying to organise things so that the person who has the duty of clearing up my personal affairs after me has as little trouble as possible. Although I have a huge extended family, I have no close relatives left and the responsibility falls to a long -term friend. At present, we live a considerable distance apart and because of that and his own family responsibilities all my paperwork has to be organised so that he can find everything he needs in one or two quick visits. There are no secret aspects of my life to come as a surprise to him. All very well therefore except.......... What happens if I start losing it mentally? All my careful organising may fall apart if I don't keep up to date with things or start acting irrationally.

[+ sniper]

Might want to speak to an attorney specializing in elder law about that. If you have the funds you can probably hire someone to look after that stuff. Put your bills on autopilot, have someone check in with you periodically, etc. You'd need to vet the people themselves first, because obviously it's a setup that shady characters might be drawn to.

[+ sniper]

I'm thankful that most of my family seems to have kept their marbles well into old age. It's the body breakdown that I'm worried about.

[+ Charlie]

I have made arrangements with my alma mater to receive and archive all my personal papers when I die, rather than leave them to any individual. They were happy to do it, since I also left them a financial bequest.

[Guest]

I have made arrangements with my alma mater to receive and archive all my personal papers when I die, rather than leave them to any individual. They were happy to do it, since I also left them a financial bequest.

May I assume that you're someone pretty famous if future generations might be interested in your personal papers after you die?

[RM]

It was fairly easy when my mom died suddenly at age 92 two years ago. My sister had been helping her pay bills and I did her taxes for the last few years. The only problem was stock certificates. Some stocks had split, so she didn’t have all the stock certificates. Another stock certificate was missing. When we turned them in, we opened a brokerage account, but they didn’t transfer all the shares. The broker had to fill out more forms to request the missing shares. We put the stock without the certificate on-line and as soon as it went on line, I sold it and deposited the check in the estate account. I’m still reading letters that her mother wrote to the family from college in about 1910. I found a wedding invitation for my cousin’s parents in 1942 and sent it to her. Seems like Mom saved everything.

[+ nycman]

I have made arrangements with my alma mater to receive and archive all my personal papers when I die, rather than leave them to any individual. They were happy to do it, since I also left them a financial bequest.

It only counts if you give them unrestricted access to all your posts here as well.

 

Future scholars should get the “full” picture.....grin

[+ Charlie]

May I assume that you're someone pretty famous if future generations might be interested in your personal papers after you die?

No, but I assume I will be once the researchers start to mine them.

It only counts if you give them unrestricted access to all your posts here as well.

 

Future scholars should get the “full” picture.....grin

I am sure the scholars will be clamoring for access to this site when my biography is written.