Open Relationship?

[Guest Lonlyboy]

So I am curious for those of you have been in open relationship and long term did it strengthen you or do harm to your relationship?

 

My husband and I have been together 10 years going on 11. I traveled for 3 years and we were open during this time because my schedule was chaos.

 

I feel over this time it did not do us harm but it did not bring us closer either.

Something I have noticed is many str8 and gay relationship is that one partner seems to be more sexual than the other.

 

In this case I am at times more sexual and got way more out of being open than my husband did. He is not really a hookup type of guy and for him masturbation can be just as fulfilling as sex because he needs an emotional connection to truly enjoy it.

[+ Kman]

Good question! I myself have not been in an open relationship so I cannot say...but I am guessing there will be a variety of answers.

[+ nycman]

Every relationship is different.

 

I’ve learned that monogamy isn't for me. Every time the other person has

wanted monogamy and I've agreed to it....I end up finding out later that I was

the only one being monogamous. That’s just stupid.

 

I’m not sure it makes a relationship “healthier” or not. I think what makes

a relationship “healthy” is both partners giving and getting what they need

from it equally. Again, what exactly that is will be different for everyone.

 

What I do think is essential is honesty and communication.

Edited April 13, 2019 by nycman

[Guest Lonlyboy]

Every relationship is different.

 

I’ve learned that monogamy isn't for me. Every time the other person has

wanted monogamy and I've agreed to it....I end up finding out later that I was

the only one being monogamous. That’s just stupid.

 

I’m not sure it makes a relationship “healthier” or not. I think what makes

a relationship “healthy” is both partners giving and getting what they need

from it equally. Again, what exactly that is will be different for everyone.

 

What I do think is essential is honesty and communication.

 

So what does non monogamous look like for you. Just curious.

For me I will say giving and getting what we both need is a must.

 

It always shocks me to see couples in my life who are miserable because they never voice what they need.

 

I have 2 close sets of married friends who are str8 but all three of us as couples view relationships the same way. Continually communicate, be willing to sacrifice at times. All of our parents were horrible at communicating and we saw a lot of fights born out of that misunderstanding so I guess that is where we learned how not to do it ha.

[Ryan Roman]

So I am curious for those of you have been in open relationship and long term did it strengthen you or do harm to your relationship?

 

My husband and I have been together 10 years going on 11. I traveled for 3 years and we were open during this time because my schedule was chaos.

 

I feel over this time it did not do us harm but it did not bring us closer either.

Something I have noticed is many str8 and gay relationship is that one partner seems to be more sexual than the other.

 

In this case I am at times more sexual and got way more out of being open than my husband did. He is not really a hookup type of guy and for him masturbation can be just as fulfilling as sex because he needs an emotional connection to truly enjoy it.

 

My current bf and I met at a sex party, so we've always been in an open relationship. Our situation sounds pretty similar to yours - I'm much more sexual than he is, which causes problems at times (he gets jealous even though he only needs sex once a week and I'm hypersexual).

[Rockey]

A friend once told me that me that after 10 years, my boyfriend and I would not be having sex together. I was like, huh? No way! Well, my friend was right, but I've now been with my boyfriend (spouse) for 27 years. An open relationship is necessary, if you want to grow old together.

[samhexum]

Open Relationship?

Good question! I myself have not been in an open relationship so I cannot say.

I’ve learned that monogamy isn't for me.

I suppose it’s about trust and mutual benefit.

My current bf and I met at a sex party, so we've always been in an open relationship.

 

Dear Abby: I am extremely upset. My son got married a year ago. We were very happy and have welcomed his wife into our family. He met us for lunch yesterday and announced that he and his wife have a polyamorous relationship. They will stay married, but both of them will date and have long-term relationships with other people.

 

My husband and I are in shock. We have been married for more than 30 years and have always been faithful to each other. We thought we had set a good example. They are asking to be able to bring other boyfriends and girlfriends to our family events. I’m heartsick at the thought of watching them be affectionate with other partners. My granddaughter was a flower girl at their wedding. How do we explain this to her?I love my son, but does a relationship with him mean I have to abandon the values I have always felt were important to uphold? Right now he isn’t speaking to me because he thinks I was not supportive enough when he told me. I feel like I’m being forced to accept this new lifestyle or not see my son. How should I handle this?

 

Dumbfounded in Dallas

 

Dear Dumbfounded: Unless you are raising your granddaughter, you don’t have to explain anything. That will be her parents’ responsibility if they decide to expose her to your son and daughter-in-law’s lifestyle. As to your being forced to entertain his and his wife’s lovers, if it makes you uncomfortable — which appears to be the case — you are under no obligation to do so. Handle this by standing your ground and refusing to be emotionally blackmailed. Your son is an adult and entitled to live his life any way he wishes. However, this does not mean that you must endorse it. Tell him you would love to see just him and his wife when they are spending time together. Got any pics of the fun couple? When/where is the next family gathering? (just asking for a friend )

[tenderloin]

Hubby and I are together many many years, and genuinely love each other. But we have always been sexually mismatched. When I was younger, I had all sorts of ideals about monogamy "only having eyes for you..." After 15 years of monogamy (which mean almost no sex for me) I finally had a series of conversations with him where I explained that I couldn't just shut it down, but I didn't want to lie to him either. With the help of therapy, and love, we got to the point where I can stray as long as I abide by certain rules (the biggest of which is that he doesn't want to know details or ever meet the guys).

 

This don't-ask-don't -tell approach has worked for us, and we continue to be a strong and loving couple. But I also recognize, with the wisdom of age, that each couple has to find their own path, and I don't judge anyone else's approach to love and family so long as folks don't get abused in the process.

[rvwnsd]

Every relationship is different.

 

I’ve learned that monogamy isn't for me. Every time the other person has

wanted monogamy and I've agreed to it....I end up finding out later that I was

the only one being monogamous. That’s just stupid.

 

I’m not sure it makes a relationship “healthier” or not. I think what makes

a relationship “healthy” is both partners giving and getting what they need

from it equally. Again, what exactly that is will be different for everyone.

 

What I do think is essential is honesty and communication.

 

I wish I could like this five times. Alas, one time will have to suffice.

 

So what does non monogamous look like for you. Just curious....

Obviously, I am not the OP but I can give you my perspective. A non-monogamous relationship to me means we have sex with people other than one another.

 

If two people can get what they need by having sex and being romantic with one another and with no one else, then that is just great for them. Like @nycman , that doesn't work for me.

 

Over the years I've encountered guys who claim to be in an open relationship. In most cases, when I've asked whether their partner knows the relationship is open they either answer "no" or do not answer at all.

[liubit]

My bf and I have been together for 17 years and, since I am a lot -and I do mean a lot- more sexual than he is, we have always had an open relationship with three basic and unwavering rules:

 

- no guys at home

- no free hookups, ONLY commercial encounters with working boys

- kiss and tell everything, including juicy details if requested.

 

Probably not for everyone, but this scheme has worked wonderfully for us. I have the best of both worlds: my sexual needs are fulfilled by gorgeous paid boys, and my emotional needs are totally covered by my bf. And, BTW, when he is in the mood and we happen to have sex, it is still the best: Fourth of July fireworks, even after all these years. I am a happy camper.

 

Yes, every relationship is different.

[thickornotatall]

Every relationship is different.

 

I’ve learned that monogamy isn't for me. Every time the other person has

wanted monogamy and I've agreed to it....I end up finding out later that I was

the only one being monogamous. That’s just stupid.

 

I’m not sure it makes a relationship “healthier” or not. I think what makes

a relationship “healthy” is both partners giving and getting what they need

from it equally. Again, what exactly that is will be different for everyone.

 

What I do think is essential is honesty and communication.

I believe too much honesty will be hurtful without meaning to be. Some things or actions are best kept to yourself.

Edited April 15, 2019 by thickornotatall

[Rudynate]

My partner and I have been a couple for 27 years. We have an open relationship. What has happened, though, is that each of us has realized there's nobody else we would rather be with, so sex outside the relationship is becoming a rare event. Last week, he went away to visit friends out of town.

It was such a pleasure to have him come home.

[pubic_assistance]

So I am curious for those of you have been in open relationship and long term did it strengthen you or do harm to your relationship?

 

I've rarely been in monogamous relationships and when I was...I always felt "trapped" after a few months.

Both my long term marriages have been open, and although I don't think this "strengthens" the relationship it definitely prevents you from blaming your partner for not getting enough sex when things have died down. Overall TRUST TRUST TRUST and honesty is the key to a successful relationship, not hot sex. THAT never really lasts......1000 times with the same person has a way of becoming boring no matter who you're sleeping with.

[+ Topseed]

My fave fb is partnered....with another guy (whom I’ve met!). I’m certain that my fb is monogamous with me. (Yes, he says he/partner don’t have sex.) My fb and I have traveled together plenty. I have no idea what (if anything) he says to his partner about this, nor do I care.

[adventurous old guy]

My bf and I have been together for 17 years and, since I am a lot -and I do mean a lot- more sexual than he is, we have always had an open relationship with three basic and unwavering rules:

 

- no guys at home

- no free hookups, ONLY commercial encounters with working boys

- kiss and tell everything, including juicy details if requested.

 

Yes, every relationship is different.

These are basically our rules too, so yes while every relationship is different there are formulas that work. My partner and I got together because the sex was great, are still together because sex got us through some bad times, and still have great sex together after almost 40 years. But it's familiar great sex, not hot exciting sex. We both travel for work, and play only when on the road. Only escorts, and we share the details. In fact, his joke is go learn something new, come home and show me.

 

There's a million stories in the city. But they fall into about six categories.

[+ HornyRetiree]

My current bf and I met at a sex party, so we've always been in an open relationship. ................... I'm hypersexual).

 

OMG!!!!! Do NOT let @LookingAround read this!

[hypothetically]

“Exclusive” is seldom an option anymore (if at all)..at least with my age group. Monogamy went out the window with condom usage. Monogam(ish) is the new monogamy.

[jjkrkwood]

I've spoken on this issue in the past. I was with my partner for almost 23 years prior to his sudden passing, and we had an open relationship... My idea originally and he eventually conceded. It was just easier than sneaking around and cheating, and the open, honest conversation made our comittiment to each other stronger. On occasion we played together, I would often watch him with other guys and it was a huge turn-on. While I was never into anal, I gave him the gift of enjoying that with other men.

 

Neither of us was the jealous type and I believe that is an important factor in considering open relationships. If your feelings will get in the way, it isn't gonna work.... Each couple needs to come up with their own guidelines and comfort zone for such a relationship...

[MaybeMaybeNot]

For me, this issue is a real struggle. I have been in an odd relationship with a guy 18 years older than myself for a little over a year (I just came out to myself about a year-and-a-half ago). I wanted to be closed. In fact, part of the reason I denied to myself that I was actually gay was because I didn't want to be in an open relationship. In the scenario in my mind (which, granted, for many years involved marrying a woman, which was never going to happen), I wanted to be with one person in a traditional style relationship.

 

About 8 months in, he tells me we should be open, that it's better for relationships in the long run. I honestly believe he was mostly thinking of me because I was still just coming out and hadn't fully explored and he has some health issues that affect his erection, although I know he loves a good hook up. "I'm not the jealous type," he said. It was hard to hear but also a relief because I just wasn't getting anything. Plus, the fact that we are both non-anal tops and he doesn't give oral was a big problem. I would see him on the weekends and would be jumping out of my skin just to feel something more than a hug or a quick hand job.

 

At first, it was nice because it took the pressure off the relationship to address my sexual needs. But then, it started to play with my head. There were a couple guys with whom I had great connections where they'd say, "Your relationship is f-ed up. I wouldn't want to share you." I really like my guy, though to be honest, we have little in common. Still, I am committed to finding out what we have together and would never hurt his feelings. Being with a hot guy with whom you have a great connection . . . who says this, how could it not play with my head? I realized maybe I wanted a guy who valued me enough to feel jealous.

 

Plus, in my heart, I didn't want to be open. It didn't feel right to me, and I felt like I had violated who I am and what I wanted. How could I come out to friends without feeling like I was in a relationship they would respect?

 

As time went on, being open was killing me slowly. All I wanted was sex with my guy, but we aren't compatible. Still, I am attracted to him and he is enough for me. But when you aren't getting satisfying sex with your guy (not even making out), and you see that he's chatting with other guys . . . it was really hard. You start thinking, "Why can he be sexual with them and not with me?" And, to be honest, having your boyfriend say, "Hey, sexy" is really great until you realize you share a nickname with twenty other guys.

 

My guy is always on the apps. I know chatting is a huge part of his life and has been for years. It's difficult for me to deal with, but I am trying to accept it. One night, I was in bed with him, and I was cuddling him. He probably thought I was asleep. I saw him chatting online. I could have sworn I saw a conversation from earlier in the week where he had given his address to someone. His address was in the message. I couldn't see the rest. Here I was sexually frustrated and feeling rejected. Emotionally, I shut down. He swears he didn't give his address to anyone (whether he hooked up was not the point; we were open. He had the right.), but it was a difficult weekend for me.

 

Right now, we are closed, but I don't think this will be the end of the issue. Part of the problem is communication. We don't communicate, and I don't know how to initiate communication without it being perceived as drama.

[jjkrkwood]

You obviously have a very clear idea of who you are and what you want. You should never compromise that because if YOU aren't happy, you cant make someone else happy. There is no one relationship that fits all... While you envision yourself in a monogamous relationship, that might not be right for someone else (I was one of those and had a 23 yr open relationship) , and there should be no judgements. As you mention, compatibility in ALL areas is a key and a MUST, as is communication. Unless you are totally comfortable in the relationship, it just might not be the right one for you, eventhough you may be attracted to the guy. You are a guy that thinks with your head, and not your dick... continue to do so... You shouldn't deny yourself TOTAL happiness.... there are plenty of guys out there. You are young and have loads of time to find the right fit.... YES its hard when there is so much free sex available, but when its meant to be, it will..... Do some serious soul searching and decide if you can keep up with things the way they are, or just cut your losses and move on, having learned a little more about yourself and gay life.

The very best of luck to you.....

[+ quoththeraven]

@samhexum - that's an interesting Dear Abby...I'm actually a monogamy kind of guy - which makes me wonder why that couple even got married...

 

Not to mention that I thought polyamory was a triangle and not a quadrangle (I can't use "square"...it clearly doesn't apply on this one...)

Polyamory is whatever you want it to be. It can involve a closed circle, where everyone involved is in a relationship with each other, or an open one, where each member of a couple has other usually non-primary relationships, or where only one member of a couple sees other people and the other one doesn't.

 

My gentleman caller is polyamorous and sees people other than his wife. With the exception of me, they're all married. Most of them have partners who aren't able to engage in penetrative sex. If he wasn't seeing others, he would want to have sex with his wife pretty much every day. In that regard I suspect his polyamory may be a relief to her.

 

I prefer the terminology "open relationship" because it comes with less philosophical baggage than polyamory.

[+ quoththeraven]

Btw, in male/female relationships, women get tired of sex with the same person faster/more often and benefit more from being able to play around.

 

https://www.theatlantic.com/ideas/archive/2019/02/women-get-bored-sex-long-term-relationships/582736/

 

"Women in long-term, committed heterosexual partnerships might think they’ve “gone off” sex—but it’s more that they’ve gone off the same sex with the same person over and over."

[rocky]

I'm the last of a dying breed I guess. Judge me if you wish. When you make a commitment at marriage, which some of you have, an open relationship to me nulls that marriage and is meaningless and a non commitment to your partner whether they agree or not. I feel the same way with hetero marriages. I wouldn't want to have my brother in law messing around on my sister. Same with partnerships. But having a relatiionship is a non binding commitment meaning you just want to mess around and don't want to remain commited to the person you are with.

[marylander1940]

everybody I know under 35 who is dating, engage, or married IS in an open relationship. Married guys fuck around way more than single guys.

 

Just the facts! I'm glad they're honest!

[+ tassojunior]

My #1 is in intense open relationships with 2 women and 2 men all of whom are in monogamous relationships with him. He would be furious otherwise.