Too straight looking to hook up with hot guys?

[socurious]

I've noticed that most guys I like that pass me by ignore me. I suspect that it is because they just assume I'm straight? Thing is that I have this jock New York look on me (and to be honest I really don't go out that often nor have actually never frequented a gay bar/club). It's a bit frustrating.

 

I'm actually good looking and work hard for my body. It's usually the types that I dislike that tend to give me a look. The masculine muscle studs are the only men I'm usually into. Anyway, my height is 5'11 and I weight 183 pounds. I have a cute face and nice beard. It's like I have the potential but it never happens. I've had my hookups but usually 2-3 per year. It's usually foreplay more than anything... Another thing is that I find most hookups sites disgusting. When I tried Grind I felt so dissappointed. Too many weirdos there. The only guys I found attractive never responded me (or they just happened to be scams). Any thoughts about it? Please forgive my grammar btw, I wrote this from my phone.

Edited September 1, 2017 by nycboi

[Rudynate]

LIke so many things, it's a numbers game. You have to realize that and relax and start playing the numbers game. It's easy to obsess and think you need to get THAT guy who you're hot for but who doesn't seem to appreciate what a catch you are. Truthfully, you don't need THAT guy. You were fine without him. So, forget about him and move on to the next one. Every once in a while, it will work, but it never works as well as you think it should. This is what the Buddhists call the reality of human suffering. Life is never quite what you think it should be.

[+ OliverSaks]

Post a pic so we can verify how "straight looking" you are.

[marylander1940]

I've noticed that most guys I like that pass me by ignore me. I suspect that it is because they just assume I'm straight? Thing is that I have this jock New York look on me (and to be honest I really don't go out that often nor have actually never frequented a gay bar/club). It's a bit frustrating.

 

I'm actually good looking and work hard for my body. It's usually the types that I dislike that tend to give me a look. The masculine muscle studs are the only men I'm usually into. Anyway, my height is 5'11 and I weight 183 pounds. I have a cute face and nice beard. It's like I have the potential but it never happens. I've had my hookups but usually 2-3 per year. It's usually foreplay more than anything... Another thing is that I find most hookups sites disgusting. When I tried Grind I felt so dissappointed. Too many weirdos there. The only guys I found attractive never responded me (or they just happened to be scams). Any thoughts about it? Please forgive my grammar btw, I wrote this from my phone.

 

How old are you?

 

Too straight looking to hookup? There are plenty of profiles on grindr saying: no fems but I never thought looking "too straight" would be seen as something bad.

[+ OliverSaks]

Also, where exactly are you trying to meet guys?

 

Hookup apps being "disgusting" and you don't go out often...?!

[LaffingBear]

2017, and gay guys still think in terms of looking straight.

 

How does one look straight? Is there something in the eyes says "I want pussy!"? Is there a walk that declares "tits turn me on"?

[caliguy]

Wow. It must be so hard being so good looking and picky. People just throwing themselves at you all the time. I can't imagine the stress of it all.

Edited September 2, 2017 by caliguy

[rvwnsd]

I've noticed that most guys I like that pass me by ignore me. I suspect that it is because they just assume I'm straight? Thing is that I have this jock New York look on me (and to be honest I really don't go out that often nor have actually never frequented a gay bar/club). It's a bit frustrating.

 

I'm actually good looking and work hard for my body. It's usually the types that I dislike that tend to give me a look. The masculine muscle studs are the only men I'm usually into. Anyway, my height is 5'11 and I weight 183 pounds. I have a cute face and nice beard. It's like I have the potential but it never happens. I've had my hookups but usually 2-3 per year. It's usually foreplay more than anything... Another thing is that I find most hookups sites disgusting. When I tried Grind I felt so dissappointed. Too many weirdos there. The only guys I found attractive never responded me (or they just happened to be scams). Any thoughts about it? Please forgive my grammar btw, I wrote this from my phone.

I suspect being "straight looking" isn't why you have trouble hooking up.

[MikeyGMin]

Also, where exactly are you trying to meet guys?

 

Hookup apps being "disgusting" and you don't go out often...?!

I think this is the crux of it @nycboi. You live in one of the gayest places in the country, but you still have to put yourself out there. You have to go to where men are looking to hook up and the apps are the obvious place. As far as I can tell they've almost completely replaced bar hookups.

 

If you're counting on being approached on the street or the gym or whatever, I doubt it's because you are too "straight looking." You probably are just not coming off as approachable, so yes, smile more dude.

[kewtex]

Thing is that I have this jock New York look on me…

 

I also have this urban latino look on me…

 

So which look is it, jock New York or urban latino? Regardless, either of those looks should turn a lot of heads. If you're hooking up only 2-3 times a year, you may be a bit picky.

[Deadlift1]

First thing I realized was muscle does not always mean masculine too.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

y

[JayCeeKy]

Maybe it's not that other guys are ignoring you, maybe it's you ignoring other guys.

[Guest RBmont-real]

You must be looking, not ignoring, nycboi, to discern either desirables' or despicables' gaze pattern. By default, you cannot look straight when you look at either category of guy. Unless you scowl at the despicables who deign to look.

 

You have to be willing to accept looking unstraight as that is the very core of connecting a gaze with a desirable, irrespective of how isomorphic with you they are in terms of getting caught in a paradoxical bind of their (and your) own making. You seem to be damned if you look and damned if you don't, and perhaps that is reciprocated by your preferred "type".

 

So let's say 10 desirables this week transcend this dilemma and give you, well, a mild fleeting innocuous look, held back self-preservationally in their imputing to you straight status. What, then, is your next step? I think you have to look straight but act gay to get even remotely close to foreplay. Don't know how to advise pulling that off.

 

And you have to be willing to treat desirables in a way you don't want to be treated, ie, an assumption of nonstraight or heteroflex orientation. To wink or nod is to risk mortification or annihilation. Even then, you may literally need the guy you potentially like to pull down his panties and bounce his ass in your direction in an unambiguous mating dance.

 

And the more beyond foreplay you evolve the more gay you look. And so it goes. Must be exhausting.

Erm, these are my thoughts ... you asked.

 

PS: In most to least order, the tendency to subjectively self-rate, overrated/inflated personal appeal, is: straight, followed by straight-acting gay, followed by all other gay. This suggests your straight friends deduct 1.5-2 full 1-10 scale points and you deduct 1 full point. Erm, then add 0.25 for the latino flavor.

[+ Eric Hassan]

I'm 34 already and didn't exactly start experimenting with other guys until I was 30. I am sorta introvert but I don't think I really look it. I also have this urban latino look on me which I suspect is what keep guys away? Who knows. I get the perception that a lot of them feel intimidated by me thinking I'm mean or even dangerous. Maybe I need to smile more? Maybe I need more friends? I am shy but not really the nerdy type of shy. I guess sometimes people assume I'm just unfriendly and that's about. Like one day I meet you at the gym and another I see you and don't say "hi" to you.

 

As for how I date, well, I live in Chelsea, New York so I have gay men passing by me all the time. That's actually how I have hooked up with some dudes but very few. I've never had a bf though neither I've officially dated anyone. Perhaps I'm just a loser? Perhaps I'm just too picky? Yes, I'm actually one of those who would have "no femmes" in their profile.

 

I live in Chelsea as well and know it to be a friendly neighborhood. The issue isn't your looks, it's your attitude. I don't know you, and I'm only judging from what I've read, but your writing feels needy - it feels like you're having a hard time accepting yourself for whatever reason, and perhaps are still hanging on to parts of an identity that doesn't fit anymore. Seeking happiness outside of yourself isn't going to help you feel happiness inside yourself. You might be beautiful, but you're not "straight looking" - that's not a thing and is akin to "straight acting," which is just "acting" - and people can smell bullshit without knowing that's what they're smelling.

 

You don't need to tell anyone what you look like unless they're blind. If you're truly seeking out meaningful connection, you need to show people who you are, not keep telling them how straight you look.

 

I can't tell you what you need or what you should do, but I think it's helpful to think about a few things. First, nobody out there is going to fix you or make you whole. Seeking outside yourself for validation might feel good when you get it, but what happens when you don't get it? Second, some people will like how you look and some won't and that's out of your control. Stop using your appearance as an excuse. Third, people will stick around in your life because of who you are and how they feel when they're with you, not because of how you look.

 

I recognize the harshness of my tone but I don't see value in coddling you. I do, however, want you to know that I know you deserve to have meaningful connections and a happy life. You deserve that as much as anyone else. I think you're relatively new to your gay identity and you're struggling with putting it all together. I get that. I have the benefit of being out for nearly 25 years and I know it's taken me a long time to get my shit together. If I haven't completely pissed you off, I encourage you to drop me a private message. I'd be more than happy to have coffee and be a space for you to feel heard and supported.

[N13]

With your looks you should escort. The money can make up for the inferiors! And maybe they may hire a straight jock who meets your criteria for you.

[+ FreshFluff]

Let me guess: You have that fierce, you-wanna-go-outside-and-settle-this look that's so attractive to both men and women. That's fine, but it also makes it harder to meet people. Look at it from their POV: You could be a hot guy up for M4M sex, or you might rob and beat them up.

 

Work on cultivating a more open, friendly expression. If you're as urban-looking as you say, it won't make you any less masc looking

[LivingnLA]

@nycboi, welcome to the forum and thanks for posting!

 

I agree with much of what @Eric Hassan said. I encourage you to read his post with an open mind. Reread it a few times if necessary to fully grapple with everything he touches on.

 

Keep in mind that your posts come across as though you're conflicted and struggling with some very personal stuff. Such is life, man. You're 34 and it sounds like you've been very focused on many parts of your life other than intimate relationships. There's nothing wrong with that, but since it seems to be troubling you quite a bit, I would strongly encourage you to focus some time and energy on this facet of you. Talk to a professional therapist if you need to, but explore what has you describing yourself as a "loser" in one sentence and an "urban latin" who's perceived as "intimidating" and "even dangerous" in others. Feel free to connect with me in a private communication if you wish to discuss this in more depth.

[bigvalboy]

@Eric Hassan and @FreshFluff are spot on...You should read these posts carefully. There is some excellent advice here....Good luck

 

The issue isn't your looks, it's your attitude. I don't know you, and I'm only judging from what I've read, but your writing feels needy - it feels like you're having a hard time accepting yourself for whatever reason, and perhaps are still hanging on to parts of an identity that doesn't fit anymore. Seeking happiness outside of yourself isn't going to help you feel happiness inside yourself. You might be beautiful, but you're not "straight looking" - that's not a thing and is akin to "straight acting," which is just "acting" - and people can smell bullshit without knowing that's what they're smelling.

 

You don't need to tell anyone what you look like unless they're blind. If you're truly seeking out meaningful connection, you need to show people who you are, not keep telling them how straight you look.

 

I can't tell you what you need or what you should do, but I think it's helpful to think about a few things. First, nobody out there is going to fix you or make you whole. Seeking outside yourself for validation might feel good when you get it, but what happens when you don't get it? Second, some people will like how you look and some won't and that's out of your control. Stop using your appearance as an excuse. Third, people will stick around in your life because of who you are and how they feel when they're with you, not because of how you look.

 

Let me guess: You have that fierce, you-wanna-go-outside-and-settle-this look that's so attractive to both men and women. That's fine, but it also makes it harder to meet people. Look at it from their POV: You could be a hot guy up for M4M sex, or you might rob and beat them up.

 

Work on cultivating a more open, friendly expression. If you're as urban-looking as you say, it won't make you any less masc looking

Edited September 2, 2017 by bigvalboy

[N13]

Call me jaded....but I can't believe anyone is taking this seriously,

[jjkrkwood]

With today's "blurred lines" , WHAT really is a str8 look ? Labels have always been silly.

[MikeyGMin]

Call me jaded....but I can't believe anyone is taking this seriously,

Okay...jaded.

 

There are some inconsistencies, but what's the harm in given the OP the benefit of the doubt? It's not like we're busy in this forum solving world peace!

[Walker1]

OP, probably a lot of people looking at you feel the same way as you do-that your type is not interested in them at all. I think NY is pretty open in that you can be yourself without being afraid of consequences vs places like say Alabama?

 

If you still can't find the right dude-hire-NY has the best selection of escorts . I travel there occasionally for work and it just seems the city is full of men of all types.

[Populist Fury]

You're never too young to start hiring...

[+ Lance_Navarro]

I live in Chelsea as well and know it to be a friendly neighborhood. The issue isn't your looks, it's your attitude. I don't know you, and I'm only judging from what I've read, but your writing feels needy - it feels like you're having a hard time accepting yourself for whatever reason, and perhaps are still hanging on to parts of an identity that doesn't fit anymore. Seeking happiness outside of yourself isn't going to help you feel happiness inside yourself. You might be beautiful, but you're not "straight looking" - that's not a thing and is akin to "straight acting," which is just "acting" - and people can smell bullshit without knowing that's what they're smelling.

 

You don't need to tell anyone what you look like unless they're blind. If you're truly seeking out meaningful connection, you need to show people who you are, not keep telling them how straight you look.

 

I can't tell you what you need or what you should do, but I think it's helpful to think about a few things. First, nobody out there is going to fix you or make you whole. Seeking outside yourself for validation might feel good when you get it, but what happens when you don't get it? Second, some people will like how you look and some won't and that's out of your control. Stop using your appearance as an excuse. Third, people will stick around in your life because of who you are and how they feel when they're with you, not because of how you look.

 

I recognize the harshness of my tone but I don't see value in coddling you. I do, however, want you to know that I know you deserve to have meaningful connections and a happy life. You deserve that as much as anyone else. I think you're relatively new to your gay identity and you're struggling with putting it all together. I get that. I have the benefit of being out for nearly 25 years and I know it's taken me a long time to get my shit together. If I haven't completely pissed you off, I encourage you to drop me a private message. I'd be more than happy to have coffee and be a space for you to feel heard and supported.

 

As usual, Eric is spot-on. I am curious why you chose this forum to discuss this, seeing as how you made no mention of an interest in doing sex work or hiring a sex worker. I would add on that part of what your struggling with is internalized and unresolved homophobia, which is why you describe yourself as straight-looking and reject men who aren't as masculine as you feel they should be. Until you begin to strip away the labels you place on yourself and others, which are designed to keep people in boxes and at a distance, you aren't going to manifest healthy relationships.

[+ Lance_Navarro]

Call me jaded....but I can't believe anyone is taking this seriously,

 

I gave him my 2 cents, but in truth, I do smell a little bullshit.