The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness

[LivingnLA]

http://highline.huffingtonpost.com/articles/en/gay-loneliness/

 

This is a challenging read about some very current research into the "gay experience" today. I would love to hear y'all's thoughts, comments, and critiques of the article and the research.

[+ sniper]

Fundamentally I believe it's a question of numbers. There are simply relatively few of us, sexuality is a big component of your identity, and people tend to bond socially with those they have several things in common with. So right off the bat there is a barrier to close friendships with most of the people around you. My closest friends are straight but there's still a distance because we don't really talk about sex. And growing up when being gay was bad, the fact I was holding that back meant I was keeping everyone in my life at arm's length.

[BasketBaller]

I am also interested in hearing what you all have to say about this. As someone who didn't come out to myself (as a comment to the article puts it) until I was in my 20s, and already a husband and father, I have wondered about a lot of these issues. And since I have not yet pursued any kind of gay social life I try not to have preconceived notions about what it might be like, or make any assumptions. But since next fall I'll be "on my own" for the first time in my life, really, I have been thinking about how lonely it may be, at least at first.

 

I don't think I have a problem with self-image, I think I'm an okay looking, average guy. But in my few attempts at craigslist connections, I did notice how almost everyone only wanted muscular, "VGL," super hung guys to respond, which puzzled me.

[+ glennnn]

Hard to say. I joined the other team and married a woman. That gave me lots of acquaintances and an active social life, but not ONE BFF who knew I was gay. I never discussed sex with anyone..I've been "en garde" my entire life protecting my dread secret until I found this forum. Lonely? Sometimes. Lonely in a crowd.

[MscleLovr]

Thanks for posting the link. I found the article genuinely fascinating.

[Mydavid]

As someone who didn't come out to myself (as a comment to the article puts it) until I was in my 20s, and already a husband and father, I have wondered about a lot of these issues.

 

I joined the other team and married a woman.

 

You are not alone.

[escortrod]

The stress factors mentioned in the article chime with this recent research: https://www.bostonglobe.com/news/nation/2017/02/21/legalized-same-sex-marriage-linked-fewer-youth-suicide-attempts-study-finds/3Ag4eFG02FQ6YwcAyzOANL/story.html

[down_to_business]

I kept most people away and allowed very few people to get close to me. I am introverted by nature to begin with. I don't really connect with the article, don't do drugs, but the friends I do have are mostly straight and I never discuss gay issue with them. My closest friend doesn't even specifically know that I am gay, although he may or may not suspect it. I would agree that lonely is probably a valid characterization.

[Becket]

"Are you lonely tonight."

"Do your jeans fit you tight" Thank you Elvis

 

Loneliness is part and parcel of being a human. It may vary in detail for different subgroups. Good article, yes. But nothing new.

[LivingnLA]

Some fascinating and thoughtful replies. Thanks y'all for being open to discuss this stuff with me.

 

I know I'm weird in how fortunate I am regarding "acceptance" at home. I am comfortable as a bi guy even though I get "shit" from straight and gay friends who know about it. It's all joking and teasing, but it's definitely there. I had some fascinating conversations with some very well known bisexual thought leaders about this and there definitely seems to be a "bi phobia" especially in the gay community based on the anecdotal "research" I've done over the years.

 

I look forward to more comments from y'all. I have so many thoughts, it's incredibly difficult for me to organize and share them in a remotely coherent way.

[+ purplekow]

I have discussed this in the past with friends. When you are young, you are in a grouping with many children who share a great deal in common with you. You all live in the same neighborhood, have the same teachers and mostly have the same experiences. This continues on through high school. So, if you are in a social group, that group is usually in your life for all of your formative years. If you are not an integral member of the group early, you are almost certainly, out of the group for all of your formative years. Anything which puts a wedge between you and the common experiences moves you to the periphery of the social grouping. Not athletic as a boy or too athletic as a girl, out the fringe. Poorer than your peers? you cannot but a friend. Fat or short? get the to the periphery. Too smart, too dumb? welcome to not funhouse part of the circle. Any of those things and any sign of a different type of sexuality and you are a pariah.

The importance of those early bonds are immense in your formation of self. Once you have formed your idea of yourself it is difficult to change it internally and externally. Loneliness is a direct result of those early perceptions of self as different and as separate from the group. .

[+ quoththeraven]

Fascinating and insightful. I wasn't aware of the high rate of suicide among gay men.

 

The one thing that struck me as off was the assumption that the effects of discrimination and social disapproval would go away all that quickly. Just because some (but not all) civil rights have been extended doesn't mean there isn't friction and pushback. Even if everything were perfect, we shouldn't expect to see marked improvement until the first generation to be born after the change occurred. Everyone else would retain the hangups and psychological damage from before.

 

It also reinforces my belief that gender norms and gender essentialism hurt gay men as much as they hurt anyone else.

[escortrod]

It also reinforces my belief that gender norms and gender essentialism hurt gay men as much as they hurt anyone else.

Suicide is the leading cause of death amongst young men in the UK, and they're way more likely than their female peers to take their own lives. It seems that gender norms and societal pressure plays a significant role in this.

[+ WilliamM]

I have discussed this in the past with friends. When you are young, you are in a grouping with many children who share a great deal in common with you. You all live in the same neighborhood, have the same teachers and mostly have the same experiences. This continues on through high school.

 

For me, it started in the eight grade. I had the same students in all of my classes, people I had know since the first grade. All of a sudden I was not popular anymore. One day, the math teacher said something nice about me in class. He must have sensed a backlash because he came close to apologize to several students. So I know that I was the subject of discussion with the damn teacher and a few of the students. I was aware mostly of my sexual orientation. That's when I realized a little how much everything had changed and even that teacher was an enemy.

 

Well over 50 years ago, but I can not help reliving that day over and over.

[+ purplekow]

I recall being a mild mannered and shy boy of 12 years old and walking from my home to the small grouping of stores about 5 blocks away. On the way there, was a dentists office that had a brick wall around it. It was also a bus stop, so people frequently sat on the wall while waiting for the bus.

As I approached the wall, a girl of about fourteen was sitting on the wall and suddenly she just called out "Faggot" at me. I had no ideas about my sexual orientation but that word at that time just made me snap. I charged at her and grabbed her around the neck and pulled her off the wall and threw her down onto the grass. I then just walked away with her sprawled on the ground.

 

I think of the moment rarely, but when I do, I can still feel the rage welling up into my head and I can feel my teeth clench.

It is one of the moments in my life of which I am the least proud, yet I cannot help but hope that she never called anyone a faggot again after that.

[Kippy]

I suspect the little bitch minded her tongue after that. I had a similar experience at the same age, but my parochial school education preempted me from ever hitting a girl! I admire your unbridled passion and fortitude.

 

Peace,

 

Kipp

[jvanchicago]

I found the article very interesting. It really helped me to reflect on myself and my experience.

 

I grew up in small towns, conservative states, and being gay just wasn't an option. I'm in my late 30's now, so we're talking about a time where gay was more known, but still not widely accepted. Like every kid that feels different, I felt lonely, depressed-you name it. I knew my escape to the big city, to be around others like me, would be the magic solution. Fast forward to me moving to Chicago, near Boystown. One of my first nights out, a guy catches me looking at him and just shakes his head saying "There's no way in hell." Another guy, who my friend shows my picture to possibly introduce us, saying "There's something weird about his face and chin-I don't think so."

 

I have found, like the article says, that being within my community has almost made it harder. You expect acceptance, to find others like you; but instead, the rejection comes even more, and somehow stings more-these are the people who are supposed to be your "family," but instead are just as cruel and filled with judgement. People who once experienced discrimination, now throwing it back at you.

 

I moved to the big city to be around my people. But I still feel lonely and depressed. The answer, after all, was not to work on changing my environment; it was to work on the issues within myself.

[+ bashful]

The answer, after all, was not to work on changing my environment; it was to work on the issues with myself.

 

Thank you for saying that. I've thought about moving away from my conservative neighborhood, but came to realize it would not make my life better until I come to terms with my own life. Thank you for that reminder to all of us.

[Mydavid]

I totally understand. In our culture, being gay is not unacceptable, but still, people think they are inferior, like they have some flaws.

[+ SundayZip]

...

The one thing that struck me as off was the assumption that the effects of discrimination and social disapproval would go away all that quickly. Just because some (but not all) civil rights have been extended doesn't mean there isn't friction and pushback. Even if everything were perfect, we shouldn't expect to see marked improvement until the first generation to be born after the change occurred. Everyone else would retain the hangups and psychological damage from before.

 

It also reinforces my belief that gender norms and gender essentialism hurt gay men as much as they hurt anyone else.

 

This was exactly my reaction. Legal equality is great, but I suspect that it will take a generation (or two) before same-sex sexual orientation, with its many flavors and manifestations, is truly integrated into western society and fully accepted. Until then, gay people and those who don't match gender norms will have to fight a certain amount of psychological headwind.

[LivingnLA]

Thanks y'all for continuing to share. I find small bits of commonality and truth in many posts. They resonant with me and some of my life experiences.

 

The more I read and learn, the more I realize I was very lucky. Yes, I have my scars and my flaws, but generally, my formative years were pretty safe. I played football and swam competitively. I wasn't part of the popular crowd in high school but I wasn't an outcast either. I was a jock but also academically near the top. I'll never forget the first time I became aware that I was checking out a guy. It was my sophomore year in high school, he was our team captain and his Summer workouts had really paid off. He was very defined. He caught me looking, smirked and said, "nice right?" I laughed and said something about his workouts and asked for advice. We tag teamed a few girls after games that season, but never "crossed swords."

 

I really appreciate what @jvanchicago posted because it reminded me of something I'd forgotten. When I was finishing my first degree, I had a very lucrative offer to work in Silicon Valley. They flew me out and tried to impress. After the first day of interviews, I went to gay bar--my first ever--and was repulsed by the aggressive cruising and depressed by the handful of rejections. Day 2 of interviews included a real estate tour. I wish I'd bought property in San Francisco back then. After that, I was determined to try a bathhouse. My first and only experience in a gay bathhouse. Again, I was generally turned off until a much older man, around 50, approached me. He was friendly, open, and kind. He was the first man I ever kissed. It was a surreal experience for me but it cemented in my mind that the gay life wasn't for me. I turned down the offer, got married to my college sweetheart, had kids, and wake up every day thankful for all the blessings in my life. I consider this forum one of those blessings. Y'all teach me something nearly every time. Thank you.

[MscleLovr]

What a lovely post, LivingnLA.

[+ saminseattle]

The article paints a rather bleak picture of gay men and our culture, one that does not really match my experience. Sure, the coming out process was hard, and undoubtedly it left some psychological scars. Sure, the dating market could be brutal and result in some feelings of insecurity. But I think all this emphasis on meth, cocaine, sex parties, and debilitating anxiety, depression, and sky-high suicide rates just might be a little overblown. I’m not saying these issues are not disproportionately problematic in our community, though I do suspect that it is methodologically difficult to do representative sampling (the article itself notes that suicide rates might be anywhere from 2 to 10 times greater, depending on the study...that kind of range suggests the underlying numbers might not be all that precise). But even assuming these problems are more prevalent, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are common. The vast majority of gay people I know are, at least from all appearances, healthy, well-adjusted folks who have successful careers and seem to be happy; as far as I can tell, they don’t secretly abuse meth and go to orgies on the weekend.

 

To the extent that we do have more than our share of problems, I continue to believe that the largest part of this is due to a legacy of de jure discrimination and to a very significant amount of ongoing social stigma. As others have pointed out, marriage equality has only been legally recognized for a few years. And in large parts of the country, many people still view being gay as a grave sin or a sick perversion, even if they are less open about their prejudices than they used to be. It will take much more time to see the impact of recent social changes on a new generation.

 

I will also admit that some of our problems are of our own making or are inherent in the nature of being gay. For example, as I mentioned in the thread on monogamy, evolutionary biology theory would suggest that men are predisposed towards promiscuity relative to women. So when women aren’t part of the equation, you can see why gay men might end up sleeping around more and contracting more STIs. The article also points to a tendency to say mean, cruel, gossipy things to and about each other, possibly as a response to the things others have said about us. IMHO, that is not much of an excuse. In that regard, I would note that on this forum there is quite a lot of nastiness that I could do without.

[escortrod]

The vast majority of gay people I know are, at least from all appearances, healthy, well-adjusted folks who have successful careers and seem to be happy; as far as I can tell, they don’t secretly abuse meth and go to orgies on the weekend.

 

The article makes that very point, though. Many gay men who are using meth, and other drugs, are highly functional and therefore their addiction is often invisible to others, even those that know them well.

[caliguy]

The article makes that very point, though. Many gay men who are using meth, and other drugs, are highly functional and therefore their addiction is often invisible to others, even those that know them well.

Only for awhile. Meth isn't like others where it takes many years. One or two tops. After a few years you aren't going to be functional even by Wednesday. The only ones that get away with that are either young or early in their addiction.