The Epidemic of Gay Loneliness

[leeper]

I can't believe how closely LivingnLA's story closely parallels my own. I too decided in my 20's that the "gay life" was not for me and married my college girlfriend, had kids, and have lived a wonderful life. At this point in my life, I still feel this was the right path for me. Thanks so much LivingnLA for sharing this with us. I too consider this forum a blessing in my life.

[caliguy]

The vast majority of gay people I know are, at least from all appearances, healthy, well-adjusted folks who have successful careers and seem to be happy; as far as I can tell, they don’t secretly abuse meth and go to orgies on the weekend.

 

To the extent that we do have more than our share of problems, I continue to believe that the largest part of this is due to a legacy of de jure discrimination and to a very significant amount of ongoing social stigma. As others have pointed out, marriage equality has only been legally recognized for a few years. And in large parts of the country, many people still view being gay as a grave sin or a sick perversion, even if they are less open about their prejudices than they used to be. It will take much more time to see the impact of recent social changes on a new generation.

 

I will also admit that some of our problems are of our own making or are inherent in the nature of being gay. For example, as I mentioned in the thread on monogamy, evolutionary biology theory would suggest that men are predisposed towards promiscuity relative to women. So when women aren’t part of the equation, you can see why gay men might end up sleeping around more and contracting more STIs. The article also points to a tendency to say mean, cruel, gossipy things to and about each other, possibly as a response to the things others have said about us. IMHO, that is not much of an excuse. In that regard, I would note that on this forum there is quite a lot of nastiness that I could do without.

20 years ago I would say that the vast majority of gay men I knew were drugs addicts. It's all relative but I do believe that gay men are far more predisposed to drug and alcohol addictions. As you said in the last part about not being accepted. That's how it all started with me. I finally found people to accept me. Except acceptance came at a cost though.

 

Looking back the freedom promised by the gay life was actually a prison sentence for me for all the issues here brought up. Addiction and loneliness is a very real thing for many of us. Friends and family is very important to me these days. Done with the "parties and orgies".

[Courage]

Putting aside some other issues touched upon, there is the problem of being in a small, often hidden minority. Being 2%-10% of the population, with "visible" or "out" gays only representing a portion of that, creates isolation and distorts perception of who is gay and what gay means.

[TruthBTold]

Growing up in private grade and high schools (Catholic, not elite) I generally was with the same group of people. There generally were three groups of students. Jocks, nerds, and "music" people. You found your niche and usually no one bothered anyone in the other group. I was in the "music" group even though I had absolutely no "music" ability. I would imagine it meant I was gay and just had no idea at the time. I finally figured it out in college was drawn to other gay men and straight women (and their boyfriends who were forced to commingle). In my early college years gay women for the most part did not mingle with gay men. I do remember that strong wonderful friendships were formed. We graduated college and got jobs. Then BAM! AIDS hit and one by one friends started dying. There was little organization so you took care of your dying friends. Shock ensued. Eventually, you would try to make new friends (and did, particularly workplace friends.) However, in many cases it just wasn't the same or new friends died. So inevitably a certain "gay" loneliness set in and remains to a large part today. I'm not sure if a younger generation would go through the same thing (I hope they don't) although I'm sure they have their own types of loneliness. As people above have pointed out, isolation created by minority status automatically creates a certain type of loneliness that must be overcome.

[LivingnLA]

@leeper, as complex and complicated as human beings are, there are so many of us, I'm sure we're not the only ones who generally had similar experiences. Isn't life awesome that way? When we look below the surface, we can find common ground.

 

I've had some deep conversations with my oldest son as he debates getting engaged or waiting. The life of early 20s is so very different compared to my experiences. Sex is easier than ever with all the online hookup opportunities but real deep connections of friends or romantic relations seem much harder than ever too. It sadens me how frequently his friends come to me to talk about "real life issues" since I'm the adult they trust most. WTF?! I believe our kids are more disconnected than ever even as technology has made them more superficially connected than any generation in history. I am so thankful we've been mostly successful in building close trusting connections with our kids so far.

[Mo Mason]

"Loneliness... is such a sad affair, And I can hardly wait to be with you again. What to say to make you come again... come back to me again, and play your sad guitar. Don't you remember you told me you love me baby?" ---

 

Karen Carpenter

[BabyBoomer]

"Loneliness... is such a sad affair, And I can hardly wait to be with you again. What to say to make you come again... come back to me again, and play your sad guitar. Don't you remember you told me you love me baby?" ---

 

Karen Carpenter

 

From "Superstar"

 

~Boomer ~

[Mo Mason]

From "Superstar"

 

~Boomer ~

 

It was perfect timing. I came upon this topic and was reading through as she sang, "lonelinesss...." She would have been 67 years old two days ago had she not died at 32 because some asshole said she looked fat.

[+ honcho]

Then BAM! AIDS hit and one by one friends started dying. There was little organization so you took care of your dying friends. Shock ensued. Eventually, you would try to make new friends (and did, particularly workplace friends.) However, in many cases it just wasn't the same or new friends died. So inevitably a certain "gay" loneliness set in and remains to a large part today. I'm not sure if a younger generation would go through the same thing (I hope they don't) although I'm sure they have their own types of loneliness. As people above have pointed out, isolation created by minority status automatically creates a certain type of loneliness that must be overcome.

 

I just couldn't bring myself to hit the "like" button. This is so true, and my heart and thanks goes out to TruthBTold.

[Rudynate]

It's the sexual marketplace- it can be mean, isolating place. It's a phenomenon that only gay men understand. Very enticing, but not very sustaining. I would be surprised if men who've left that environment behind, built circles of friends, developed professionally, cultivated relationships with family, developed interests that don't involve getting laid and so on experience that much isolation. There really are gay men who live in the country, make their living as organic farmers, watch their neighbors' house when they are away, go to town hall meetings, stay home and read, etc.

[+ sniper]

I think another layer of it is that we are still in many ways a generally sex-negative culture. The major reason I haven't tell most of my family I'm gay is that my family simply does not talk about sex period. I don't think they really give a shit. But still I can't bring it up, just let them do the math(I did tell one sibling, but not the others).

[+ quoththeraven]

It's the sexual marketplace- it can be mean, isolating place. It's a phenomenon that only gay men understand. Very enticing, but not very sustaining. I would be surprised if men who've left that environment behind, built circles of friends, developed professionally, cultivated relationships with family, developed interests that don't involve getting laid and so on experience that much isolation. There really are gay men who live in the country, make their living as organic farmers, watch their neighbors' house when they are away, go to town hall meetings, stay home and read, etc.

Wait, what? To my mind, this is a product of applying the same "sex, not intimacy or friendship" mentality some (many?) straight men feel entitled to from women to other men who have been conditioned to think this is the way things have to be.

 

With that emendation, I agree with you wholeheartedly. If one doesn't measure oneself by the sexual marketplace of youth or strict insistence on only fucking the best-looking most [insert adjective here] men, you will probably be happier and better off. And you may also find the sexual satisfaction that seems so elusive.

[Rudynate]

Wait, what? To my mind, this is a product of applying the same "sex, not intimacy or friendship" mentality some (many?) straight men feel entitled to from women to other men who have been conditioned to think this is the way things have to be.

 

With that emendation, I agree with you wholeheartedly. If one doesn't measure oneself by the sexual marketplace of youth or strict insistence on only fucking the best-looking most [insert adjective here] men, you will probably be happier and better off. And you may also find the sexual satisfaction that seems so elusive.

 

Gay men have a unique understanding of the sexual marketplace because there is hardly one who hasn't lived it and experienced the joys and disappointments it provides. Straight men haven't had the opportunity to outgrow the fantasy of the sexual marketplace. Gay men see the underbelly up close and personal.

[+ quoththeraven]

Gay men have a unique understanding of the sexual marketplace because there is hardly one who hasn't lived it and experienced the joys and disappointments it provides. Straight men haven't had the opportunity to outgrow the fantasy of the sexual marketplace. Gay men see the underbelly up close and personal.

Not sure I get what you mean. Isn't rejection the same however it's packaged (pun not intended)? Or are you saying gay men have a greater success rate than straight men? Not sure I agree with that as an overall statement.

[Rudynate]

Not sure I get what you mean. Isn't rejection the same however it's packaged (pun not intended)? Or are you saying gay men have a greater success rate than straight men? Not sure I agree with that as an overall statement.

 

I believe gay men, in general, have a much higher success rate than straight men, in general. I don't think it's that we're more skilled at getting laid. It's just that we're all men so we're more likely to share the same attitude toward casual sex. When I talk about these things with straight guys, they shake their heads in disbelief at the general availability of casual sex. And it is nice. It's just that if you let it become too important a part of your life, it ends up backfiring on you.

[LivingnLA]

I believe gay men, in general, have a much higher success rate than straight men, in general. I don't think it's that we're more skilled at getting laid. It's just that we're all men so we're more likely to share the same attitude toward casual sex. When I talk about these things with straight guys, they shake their heads in disbelief at the general availability of casual sex. And it is nice. It's just that if you let it become too important a part of your life, it ends up backfiring on you.

 

I generally agree, but hookup apps have changed the game for straight millenials and the upcoming GenZ too. I've had chats with some of my son's friends who talk about easily getting a different hookup every day whenever they want, but they struggle to find relationships. None of them have any skills in creating and building longer term relationships.

[Rudynate]

I generally agree, but hookup apps have changed the game for straight millenials and the upcoming GenZ too. I've had chats with some of my son's friends who talk about easily getting a different hookup every day whenever they want, but they struggle to find relationships. None of them have any skills in creating and building longer term relationships.

 

And that is one of the major factors in the gay "loneliness epidemic."

[Mo Mason]

The gay men I know are not lonely. They are very social and outgoing and most are in serious relationships or are married (a few are engaged). I am not one of them. For my social ineptitude I blame my chronic shyness, social anxiety, major depression, and what my psychiatrist calls a "personality disorder NOS". I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety and depressive disorders, for various reasons. If we didn't have some *ahem* ... issue.. then would we really be hiring escorts for our companionship needs?

[LADoug1]

Absolutely excellent article!

 

I see a psychologist who works primarily with gay men including escorts. The first thing he had me do was read "The Velvet Rage ". He has changed my life. I forwarded the article to him and he confirmed that the statistics and conclusions are very true. He considered the article accurate, sad, and disturbing.

[Rudynate]

The gay men I know are not lonely. They are very social and outgoing and most are in serious relationships or are married (a few are engaged). I am not one of them. For my social ineptitude I blame my chronic shyness, social anxiety, major depression, and what my psychiatrist calls a "personality disorder NOS". I think a lot of us suffer from anxiety and depressive disorders, for various reasons. If we didn't have some *ahem* ... issue.. then would we really be hiring escorts for our companionship needs?

 

There are many who do not hire to compensate for a deficit. It's regrettable if your view of yourself causes you to think that hiring is your only option for companionship.

[+ newguy]

The article paints a rather bleak picture of gay men and our culture, one that does not really match my experience. Sure, the coming out process was hard, and undoubtedly it left some psychological scars. Sure, the dating market could be brutal and result in some feelings of insecurity. But I think all this emphasis on meth, cocaine, sex parties, and debilitating anxiety, depression, and sky-high suicide rates just might be a little overblown. I’m not saying these issues are not disproportionately problematic in our community, though I do suspect that it is methodologically difficult to do representative sampling (the article itself notes that suicide rates might be anywhere from 2 to 10 times greater, depending on the study...that kind of range suggests the underlying numbers might not be all that precise). But even assuming these problems are more prevalent, that doesn’t necessarily mean they are common. The vast majority of gay people I know are, at least from all appearances, healthy, well-adjusted folks who have successful careers and seem to be happy; as far as I can tell, they don’t secretly abuse meth and go to orgies on the weekend.

 

To the extent that we do have more than our share of problems, I continue to believe that the largest part of this is due to a legacy of de jure discrimination and to a very significant amount of ongoing social stigma. As others have pointed out, marriage equality has only been legally recognized for a few years. And in large parts of the country, many people still view being gay as a grave sin or a sick perversion, even if they are less open about their prejudices than they used to be. It will take much more time to see the impact of recent social changes on a new generation.

 

I will also admit that some of our problems are of our own making or are inherent in the nature of being gay. For example, as I mentioned in the thread on monogamy, evolutionary biology theory would suggest that men are predisposed towards promiscuity relative to women. So when women aren’t part of the equation, you can see why gay men might end up sleeping around more and contracting more STIs. The article also points to a tendency to say mean, cruel, gossipy things to and about each other, possibly as a response to the things others have said about us. IMHO, that is not much of an excuse. In that regard, I would note that on this forum there is quite a lot of nastiness that I could do without.

 

Absolutely agreed.

 

This forum can sometimes turn into a cesspool of cruel, vicious and unprovoked attacks. Thankfully these seem to come from a small minority of posters. Why do they do it? God knows. This community is also a haven for those who resort to paying for comfort, companionship, sex, or some combination.

 

We have so many scars, we don't need more from a few persons whose anonymity protects them, and whose aggressiveness, in fact, probably reveals a level of desparate weakness best described by Winston Churchill to his nemesis at the time, Ramsay MacDonald:

 

"I remember when I was a child, being taken to the celebrated Barnum's Circus, which contained an exhibition of freaks and monstrosities, but the exhibit on the programme which I most desired to see was the one described as "The Boneless Wonder". My parents judged that the spectacle would be too demoralising and revolting for my youthful eye and I have waited fifty years, to see the The Boneless Wonder sitting on the Treasury Bench."

[TruthBTold]

Come to think of it yes it gets pretty lonely sometimes, Its extremely difficult finding a relationship and even a friend in the gay world. Seems like everyone wants a one time thing and then you never hear from them again, I prefer having something regular, whether it with friends and or clients. Seems like its more of a millennial thing, as when I talk to my clients they tell me about friends they've had for years. People seem to come and go, its like a revolving door of people. Thats why I don't like to open up to people at first, opening up to someone is a really big thing for me, I want to know your going to be a part of my life after you leave and not just another memory

 

I thought about what I wrote and I think one thing that helped keeping friends together when I was younger was the existence of commonalities in our lives. There were not that many things that the community had to choose from and so the circle of friends you had seemed to enjoy the things that brought us together. A certain tightness grew out of that and seemed to last. For example, if you liked The Talking Heads or Grace Jones, that meant you bought their records and try to go to the concerts together. And then you would talk about it. Or you would go to plays or movies together. Some would do the sports thing. However, we (in my day at least) did not have the luxury of using all the social media available today. Today I think in general people spend more time with themselves even if in the company of others. That does not mean that we would not have liked to if available but only that there wasn't that option.

[LADoug1]

For me, it started in the eight grade. I had the same students in all of my classes, people I had know since the first grade. All of a sudden I was not popular anymore. One day, the math teacher said something nice about me in class. He must have sensed a backlash because he came close to apologize to several students. So I know that I was the subject of discussion with the damn teacher and a few of the students. I was aware mostly of my sexual orientation. That's when I realized a little how much everything had changed and even that teacher was an enemy.

 

Well over 50 years ago, but I can not help reliving that day over and over.

What did the teacher say if you don't mind my asking?

[LADoug1]

Come to think of it yes it gets pretty lonely sometimes, Its extremely difficult finding a relationship and even a friend in the gay world. Seems like everyone wants a one time thing and then you never hear from them again, I prefer having something regular, whether it with friends and or clients. Seems like its more of a millennial thing, as when I talk to my clients they tell me about friends they've had for years. People seem to come and go, its like a revolving door of people. Thats why I don't like to open up to people at first, opening up to someone is a really big thing for me, I want to know your going to be a part of my life after you leave and not just another memory

 

Do you think that being an escort sometimes adds to your loneliness? I'm not dissing being an escort though.

[LADoug1]

The article really resonated with me. I was especially touched by the guy who said that during childhood he once dressed like a girl and the family found it amusing. I did the same thing and my family reacted the same way. That's one reason they probably sensed I was "different ". But we never mentioned the gay thing. Sad. It would have my growing up gay easier.