Who picks out the ring?

[Tommygunzz]

Following our 35 year "engagement", my partner and I are talking about getting married. Until this summer's Supreme Court ruling, marriage has not been possible in "our" state, and we have never felt the need to get married "someplace" just to be married. Now that final obstacle is gone.

 

But, I have a few questions for the next steps:

1 Neither of us has actually proposed (yet). Seems awkward to me after our time together, but do you guys think it's necessary?

2 Who picks the ring? If it's me, do I just pick up two? Or, do we shop for the rings together. That seems to take some of the surprise out of the whole thing. See #1 above.

3 We lean towards a small ceremony without family. Neither of us wants to be married in a church. Do we just go to the courthouse, or should we invite a husband/wife set of friends we are close to? Do we need witnesses?

4 We will let people know that we are planning to get married, but we may just do it quickly--maybe by the end of this year, or right after the beginning of 2016. We have talked about a reception afterwards, but that almost seems like an invitation to bring gifts, and we really don't need gifts. Our house is pretty well set up.

 

Advice? Suggestions? Any and all are welcomed. Thanks!

[+ Truereview]

Tommy, congrats!! Treasure this moment. Don't let convention rule your decisions. Have your hearts guide you. It is your commitment...make it uniquely yours. Here is my experience

1. I was partnered for 4 years before my partner passed away in a car accident. I proposed to him and it was the best thing I've ever done in my life...seeing his face light up will be with me forever. He surprised me with his own proposal a few weeks after. My thought: propose to each other! Doesn't matter who goes first.
   
2. We knew each other well enough that I knew what kind of ring he'd like. I took his sister with me and we had a hoot picking it. My partner picked my ring with my mom's help. They both still talk about how special it is to hold that memory in their hearts. I wear both our rings today and I get hit on more now than with no rings!
   
3. We went to the courthouse and then took a cab to the airport. No bags, only cash and credit cards. We bought clothes at our destination. Best decision EVER!
   
4. When we got back, we had a photo from the vacation printed in stock card and attached a donation card to a no-kill animal shelter we both volunteered at and to our local LGBT center. Our note said: we eloped...celebrate our commitment by giving. Here are your 2 choices.
   

I would be honored if our happy choices informed any of your decision. Thank you for sharing yor happy moment. Have a blessed life together. Tenderly, - TR

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

Tommy

 

(1) Per my co-worker ("Bob") who recently became engaged to his partner ("Joe") of ten years, they had agreed to get married after the Supremes made the ruling, but Bob wasn't emotionally tied to the idea until after Joe proposed. And now that Bob and Joe are engaged, their friends are excited for them. Bob admitted that they are planning the event, and might simply be agreed that they would get married without a date if Joe had not proposed. So pop the question.

 

(2) For both the gay and straight couples I know, the wedding rings have been bought together. None of my married gay friends did engagement rings.

 

(3) My friends not wanting a church wedding have done it at the courthouse or chosen a "destination" wedding such as Las Vegas, Napa Valley, or Bahamas for an intimate ceremony with select friends. In some cases, they have done a public ceremony, but had the "legal" wedding at the justice of the peace.

 

(4) The legal marriage is all about the two of you! Do what is right for you. If you want to an event to celebrate your wedding at a later date, think of it as sharing your happiness with your friends. If anyone asks if you are registered somewhere, you can simply reply that the honor of there presence is enough. Those close friends you are inviting will already know your house "is pretty well set up" and would simply be happy to raise a glass to toast the happy couple. This type of event is not unusual when families are spread across the miles. My college roommate's new husband was raised in Europe, so after having a civil ceremony in NYC and a dinner celebration with friends that evening, they went to Austria a month later for a celebration with his husband's family and university friends.

 

Good luck and congratulations!

[rvwnsd]

Following our 35 year "engagement", my partner and I are talking about getting married. Until this summer's Supreme Court ruling, marriage has not been possible in "our" state, and we have never felt the need to get married "someplace" just to be married. Now that final obstacle is gone....

 

CONGRATULATIONS!!

 

...But, I have a few questions for the next steps:

1 Neither of us has actually proposed (yet). Seems awkward to me after our time together, but do you guys think it's necessary?...

 

For me, it would be a nice touch. However, it is YOUR wedding, so do what feels right.

...

2 Who picks the ring? If it's me, do I just pick up two? Or, do we shop for the rings together. That seems to take some of the surprise out of the whole thing. See #1 above....

My parents picked out each others' rings, which is kinda cute. One of the couples I know picked them out together.

 

...

3 We lean towards a small ceremony without family. Neither of us wants to be married in a church. Do we just go to the courthouse, or should we invite a husband/wife set of friends we are close to? Do we need witnesses?...

 

A few couples I know have gone to the courthouse, while others have had their weddings in their backyard. Again, it is up to you. California has a system where anyone can be a marriage officiant for a day (it applies to same- and opposite-sex couples), so that could be an option where you live. There's been a witness at every wedding I have attended and most other contracts require a witness, so I am guessing a witness would be required.

...

4 We will let people know that we are planning to get married, but we may just do it quickly--maybe by the end of this year, or right after the beginning of 2016. We have talked about a reception afterwards, but that almost seems like an invitation to bring gifts, and we really don't need gifts. Our house is pretty well set up....

 

I think it is up to you. You could specify "no gifts."

[Rudynate]

Following our 35 year "engagement", my partner and I are talking about getting married. Until this summer's Supreme Court ruling, marriage has not been possible in "our" state, and we have never felt the need to get married "someplace" just to be married. Now that final obstacle is gone.

 

But, I have a few questions for the next steps:

1 Neither of us has actually proposed (yet). Seems awkward to me after our time together, but do you guys think it's necessary?

2 Who picks the ring? If it's me, do I just pick up two? Or, do we shop for the rings together. That seems to take some of the surprise out of the whole thing. See #1 above.

3 We lean towards a small ceremony without family. Neither of us wants to be married in a church. Do we just go to the courthouse, or should we invite a husband/wife set of friends we are close to? Do we need witnesses?

4 We will let people know that we are planning to get married, but we may just do it quickly--maybe by the end of this year, or right after the beginning of 2016. We have talked about a reception afterwards, but that almost seems like an invitation to bring gifts, and we really don't need gifts. Our house is pretty well set up.

 

Advice? Suggestions? Any and all are welcomed. Thanks!

 

My partner of 23 years and I are getting married next week..

 

Neither of us proposed to each other, we just decide to get married. Even though we're going to do it, I was thinking of asking formally.

We picked our rings together. I bought his, he bought mine. Until we get married, we made a little shrine out of them on a chest of drawers. The jewelry cases are open and they sit side by side on top of the boxes the cases came in.

We are eloping in plain site. We haven't told anyone except our witnesses. We will go to City Hall at 10AM, get married, have a nice lunch and leave for a couple days in the country. We will spill the news when we get back.

[+ honcho]

My partner of 23 years and I are getting married next week..

Congratulations!

[+ purplekow]

My partner of 23 years and I are getting married next week..

 

Neither of us proposed to each other, we just decide to get married. Even though we're going to do it, I was thinking of asking formally.

We picked our rings together. I bought his, he bought mine. Until we get married, we made a little shrine out of them on a chest of drawers. The jewelry cases are open and they sit side by side on top of the boxes the cases came in.

We are eloping in plain site. We haven't told anyone except our witnesses. We will go to City Hall at 10AM, get married, have a nice lunch and leave for a couple days in the country. We will spill the news when we get back.

My wife and I lived together for ten years. from our first month together I told her I was ready to get married anytime she wanted but if she wanted a big wedding, she would have to wait until we could afford it. She opted to wait. Nevertheless, seven years in, I did propose and her delight in trying on the ring I selected is a dear memory for me. From my point of view, get down on one knee, tell the man you love how much you need him, want him, respect him and love him. Those words have meaning for everyone, from the shyest girly girl to the burliest of burly men. So even if you are not usually expressive, in fact especially if you are not usually expressive, take the time and take the chance. It will probably end in a laugh or a tear or both. Telling the one you love how much they mean to you never gets old.

[Tommygunzz]

Tommy, congrats!! Treasure this moment. Don't let convention rule your decisions. Have your hearts guide you. It is your commitment...make it uniquely yours. Here is my experience

1. I was partnered for 4 years before my partner passed away in a car accident. I proposed to him and it was the best thing I've ever done in my life...seeing his face light up will be with me forever. He surprised me with his own proposal a few weeks after. My thought: propose to each other! Doesn't matter who goes first.
   
2. We knew each other well enough that I knew what kind of ring he'd like. I took his sister with me and we had a hoot picking it. My partner picked my ring with my mom's help. They both still talk about how special it is to hold that memory in their hearts. I wear both our rings today and I get hit on more now than with no rings!
   
3. We went to the courthouse and then took a cab to the airport. No bags, only cash and credit cards. We bought clothes at our destination. Best decision EVER!
   
4. When we got back, we had a photo from the vacation printed in stock card and attached a donation card to a no-kill animal shelter we both volunteered at and to our local LGBT center. Our note said: we eloped...celebrate our commitment by giving. Here are your 2 choices.
   

I would be honored if our happy choices informed any of your decision. Thank you for sharing yor happy moment. Have a blessed life together. Tenderly, - TR

 

Hi TR: Thanks so much for the tips. I'm so sorry for your loss.

 

Sounds like each of you selected a ring for the other, and that they did not match. That's an interesting idea, and I'd never thought about us each having a different ring. Certainly something to think about.

 

I love the idea about taking a picture of us both---sort of our Wedding present to each other. Something as a record, but not a hastily put together snap at the end of the ceremony.

 

Really appreciate your input!

[Tommygunzz]

Tommy

 

(1) Per my co-worker ("Bob") who recently became engaged to his partner ("Joe") of ten years, they had agreed to get married after the Supremes made the ruling, but Bob wasn't emotionally tied to the idea until after Joe proposed. And now that Bob and Joe are engaged, their friends are excited for them. Bob admitted that they are planning the event, and might simply be agreed that they would get married without a date if Joe had not proposed. So pop the question.

 

(2) For both the gay and straight couples I know, the wedding rings have been bought together. None of my married gay friends did engagement rings.

 

(3) My friends not wanting a church wedding have done it at the courthouse or chosen a "destination" wedding such as Las Vegas, Napa Valley, or Bahamas for an intimate ceremony with select friends. In some cases, they have done a public ceremony, but had the "legal" wedding at the justice of the peace.

 

(4) The legal marriage is all about the two of you! Do what is right for you. If you want to an event to celebrate your wedding at a later date, think of it as sharing your happiness with your friends. If anyone asks if you are registered somewhere, you can simply reply that the honor of there presence is enough. Those close friends you are inviting will already know your house "is pretty well set up" and would simply be happy to raise a glass to toast the happy couple. This type of event is not unusual when families are spread across the miles. My college roommate's new husband was raised in Europe, so after having a civil ceremony in NYC and a dinner celebration with friends that evening, they went to Austria a month later for a celebration with his husband's family and university friends.

 

Good luck and congratulations!

 

Hi Sam: Great ideas! We are only thinking about getting wedding bands--not the engagement rings first, followed by wedding bands. We both feel like one ring is enough. The shopping part still has me a bit perplexed. I want to buy something for him that I like and that he would be comfortable to wear. Shopping together is the best route for that--maybe we end up getting two of the same. We do seem to have the same taste in a lot of things.

 

We just bought tickets for a week in Mexico next month. I really wasn't thinking "honeymoon" at the time, but it might put the fast spin on getting this done before we go. I like your idea of a party with friends after we get back.

 

Such great ideas! Thanks again.

[Tommygunzz]

My partner of 23 years and I are getting married next week..

 

Neither of us proposed to each other, we just decide to get married. Even though we're going to do it, I was thinking of asking formally.

We picked our rings together. I bought his, he bought mine. Until we get married, we made a little shrine out of them on a chest of drawers. The jewelry cases are open and they sit side by side on top of the boxes the cases came in.

We are eloping in plain site. We haven't told anyone except our witnesses. We will go to City Hall at 10AM, get married, have a nice lunch and leave for a couple days in the country. We will spill the news when we get back.

 

I REALLY like your plans, Rudy! Congratulations to you and your partner!

[+ Truereview]

Correct, Tommy. Our rings didn't match, that was his preference and he won that debate. Kinda glad he did...it would be weird for me to wear two wedding bands that match:p We chose a couple who have been together 40 years as our witnesses. We hoped to be them one day - well, minus the lesbian angle

 

this thread is bittersweet for me, but it does remind me how thoughtful choices can make powerful memories. Knowing these folks in the forum, I bet you we will hear quite a range of cool ideas in here. I'd love to hear what you two end up doing!

[N13]

We had been together 44 years. Just decided one day that since we would be at the courthouse why don't we get married. A good friend came down to witness. Never thought about wedding rings. Sent a photo to people to let them know. Continued life as usual except now we have been legally married for three years. In our hearts we were already married. Just did it legally for estate and medical rights.

[Rudynate]

My wife and I lived together for ten years. from our first month together I told her I was ready to get married anytime she wanted but if she wanted a big wedding, she would have to wait until we could afford it. She opted to wait. Nevertheless, seven years in, I did propose and her delight in trying on the ring I selected is a dear memory for me. From my point of view, get down on one knee, tell the man you love how much you need him, want him, respect him and love him. Those words have meaning for everyone, from the shyest girly girl to the burliest of burly men. So even if you are not usually expressive, in fact especially if you are not usually expressive, take the time and take the chance. It will probably end in a laugh or a tear or both. Telling the one you love how much they mean to you never gets old.

 

Exactly my thoughts. So even though we are obviously going to do it, I want to propose to him. Today, we leave for three days of pre-Christmas R & R in Sonoma. I will "pop the question" while we are away.

[Rudynate]

I thought it would be fun to get decked out in formal morning dress for our ceremony: cutaway, waistcoat, striped trousers. It turned out an outfit like that would cost over $200.00 to rent. So we'll just wear suits.

[geminibear]

My partner of 23 years and I are getting married next week..

 

Neither of us proposed to each other, we just decide to get married. Even though we're going to do it, I was thinking of asking formally.

We picked our rings together. I bought his, he bought mine. Until we get married, we made a little shrine out of them on a chest of drawers. The jewelry cases are open and they sit side by side on top of the boxes the cases came in.

We are eloping in plain site. We haven't told anyone except our witnesses. We will go to City Hall at 10AM, get married, have a nice lunch and leave for a couple days in the country. We will spill the news when we get back.

Congratulations!

[Rudynate]

Hi Sam: Great ideas! We are only thinking about getting wedding bands--not the engagement rings first, followed by wedding bands. We both feel like one ring is enough. The shopping part still has me a bit perplexed. I want to buy something for him that I like and that he would be comfortable to wear. Shopping together is the best route for that--maybe we end up getting two of the same. We do seem to have the same taste in a lot of things.

 

We just bought tickets for a week in Mexico next month. I really wasn't thinking "honeymoon" at the time, but it might put the fast spin on getting this done before we go. I like your idea of a party with friends after we get back.

 

Such great ideas! Thanks again.

 

 

We got matching bands. His hand is larger than mine, so it's a heavier weight ring, but the same design. Nothing out of the ordinary - yellow gold, with a little edge detail.

[mike carey]

We had been together 44 years. Just decided one day that since we would be at the courthouse why don't we get married. A good friend came down to witness. Never thought about wedding rings. Sent a photo to people to let them know. Continued life as usual except now we have been legally married for three years. In our hearts we were already married. Just did it legally for estate and medical rights.

I'm glad it all went well!

[Rudynate]

Thanks everyone for your good wishes.

[N13]

I'm glad it all went well!

 

Thank you. It has bee 47 years of rollicking fun, joy, fights, make-ups, trust and love. We have gone through it together and actually still like each other and would have it no other way! I won't say it hasn't been a lot of work.....but, oh so worth it!

[+ Charlie]

After 45 years living together, my partner and I decided to get married basically as a practical issue--it solved a lot of legal problems--so there was no proposal, but I (the practical one) was the first to suggest it, while eating dinner one night, which is our usual time to discuss practical matters.

 

I decided to wear my grandfather's wedding band, which had been sitting in a box in the back of my dresser drawer for more than a half century since his death. I took it to a jeweler, who managed to size it to fit me, without damaging the worn inscription inside the band (my grandparents' initials and wedding date in 1904). My spouse wasn't interested in a ring at first, but the next year I asked if he would like me to buy him one for his birthday, since I couldn't think of anything else to get him, and he liked the idea. A new ring didn't seem appropriate, so we went to an estate jewelry place and found a simple gold band, somewhat similar to mine, which fit him perfectly.

 

We were not interested in an elaborate ceremony, so we went to the county recorder's office, obtained a license, and were married there one morning a week later, by the Deputy Commissioner for Civil Marriages. She donned a dark robe and took us into a room that was specially set aside for weddings, where we went though a simple official ceremony, at the end of which she pronounced us "spouses for life" (that did give me a slight shiver down my spine), and invited us to kiss. I wore a white Calvin Klein shirt and pants which I bought for the occasion (so appropriate for my first wedding).

 

I don't know what the law is in Texas, but in California one needs to bring at least one qualified official witness. The ideal witness would have been the friend who introduced us to one another in 1968 on Cape Cod, but unfortunately he had died two months earlier. Instead we brought two other good friends, a gay married couple, and they were our only witnesses. Then the four of us went out to lunch.

 

Our neighbors were married by the same official in the same place two days later, but they both wore tuxedos--despite the 110 degree heat--and had a number of guests present, followed by a fancy reception at which they both got sloshed. Your ideas about what to do may vary, but enjoy yourselves.

[Tommygunzz]

We had been together 44 years. Just decided one day that since we would be at the courthouse why don't we get married. A good friend came down to witness. Never thought about wedding rings. Sent a photo to people to let them know. Continued life as usual except now we have been legally married for three years. In our hearts we were already married. Just did it legally for estate and medical rights.

 

I have a feeling that we will do something like that.