Keeping Non-Supportive Friends?

[+ Gar1eth]

This is the question that brought me back. And I need to clarify here--they are very supportive of me personally. But I'm still partially closeted--at least I am in the non-gay world. Over the last 2 years, I've come out more--to my main family members-siblings and mother--and to about 5 long time school acquaintances. I've also entered my profile on a few apps. I've met a few guys from them--mostly we've become acquaintances--no sex involved.

 

The 2 friends I am questioning about--they are a married couple. The husband runs an acting school for children. He's an actor and has done a few professional things. His wife once told me in the course of another conversation that they were probably the most conservative people in the arts around. They don't ostensibly know I'm gay (a pen-pal friend says it's obvious to anyone who knows me on a personal basis from my lack of dating women that I'm gay--I think that may make some people wonder. But I still don't feel the words I'm Gay are indelibly printed on my bald forehead for everyone to see). I know the husband--with whom I am better friends has employed at least once in the past a gay teacher at his school--and seemed to like him--it was a college kid using the school as a part time job. But at the recent local Pride Event--I happened to mention it briefly to both Hal and Jane--separately--and they both made a bit of a remark about it--nothing really rude or offensive --but it didn't sound in favor of Pride--or gays in general.

 

Now these 2 are the nicest people in the world--they are my major friends--really my only friends in the area. I know they care about me. I don't know for sure whether they've figure out I'm gay. And as they are my major support to some extent--and it's not like I see them weekly--what with their business and children they are really busy people. But Hal has cared enough to have some heart to heart conversations with me lately--even admitting that he takes part in a 12-step program--which I've known him for almost 5 years and never knew that.

 

I am somewhat uncomfortable not telling them I am gay--but I'm afraid of losing them as my only real friends in the area. On top of this I'm probably about to move from the area to the relative's place I referred to in my other thread. I don't know--I don't plan on telling them I'm gay--because in spite of what some people might say that if they can't accept me as gay they aren't really my friends--they are my friends. And I'd hate to lose them. Maybe I shouldn't have brought this subject up here. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has friends like these.

 

Gman

[+ Charlie]

I never cease to be amazed at how difficult it is to predict how people will react to information that I have never shared with them before. I have a fairly conservative 2nd cousin in rural New England, a widower with four kids. We never cared much for one another when we were children, but he is sort of the keeper of extended family info (an ancestry.com type), so I sent him an announcement of my marriage to my partner last week. Almost immediately, I received a response: "That's WONDERFUL!!!"

 

That same morning I received an email from another 2nd cousin, a woman in her 80s who belongs to an evangelical church, announcing that her oldest son had died that morning in hospital. Several hours later, I received another email from her, saying that she had called the other cousin about her son, and he had told her my news. Despite her own grief, she wanted to tell me how happy she was for me, because "I know you two have been together so long." How did she know that?! She has never met my partner, and I have never spoken to her about him. We think other people don't talk to one another about us, but they do.

 

On the other hand, I have a gay friend, a regular tennis partner, who lives with his domestic partner, and the four of us socialize occasionally. I sent them an announcement, too. He has not mentioned the subject to me, and looks away whenever any of our mutual acquaintances says something to me about it. Another friend tells me she thinks he doesn't approve of gay marriage. I wouldn't have predicted that response either.

[+ azdr0710]

G....you know from our previous private messages that I'm also mostly closeted with my close friends....my greatest fear with them is losing them as friends, or at least becoming greatly distanced, if I told them about myself....some counselors and others have told me to go at my own comfortable pace on coming out to friends....others have given me the ol' "they aren't really your friends if..........." line

 

if things are comfortable and easy between these two and you right now, I'd be careful telling them....in fact, there is a lot more to friendship than knowing the sexual orientation of the parties involved and if you guys can just hang out and have good chats about other things, that's important.....they may wonder about you, like I'm sure some wonder about me, but if the quality of the friendship is high and if they think you're a good guy, the couple may not be worrying too much about that detail.....

 

you mention the Pride event like they were there???....not quite clear on that.....gee, if they were there...hmmm

 

why are you uncomfortable not telling them?.....just as a matter of principle?....or is it something more solid?....

 

one idea I got from a bi men's group I was in is to, rather than just announce it, ask friends, "have you ever wondered about me?", but only when chat turns to sex, etc....

 

very important topic.....lots of ideas will come along here, I'm sure.....

[+ Gar1eth]

 

if things are comfortable and easy between these two and you right now, I'd be careful telling them....in fact, there is a lot more to friendship than knowing the sexual orientation of the parties involved and if you guys can just hang out and have good chats about other things, that's important.....they may wonder about you, like I'm sure some wonder about me, but if the quality of the friendship is high and if they think you're a good guy, the couple may not be worrying too much about that detail.....

 

you mention the Pride event like they were there???....not quite clear on that.....gee, if they were there...hmmm

 

why are you uncomfortable not telling them?.....just as a matter of principle?....or is it something more solid?....

 

It was the comment that the wife made years ago about them being the most conservative artists I would probably ever meet. I'm as positive as I can be without seeing their ballots that they voted against marriage equality in our state within the last year. And they recently opened up a gelato biz--not right near the Pride Celebration but within easy walking distance--and the gelato place while not on the gay street in town--but they are like 2 blocks from it--and I mentioned --what no Pride Specials or rainbow stickers for the event--that was when each made a mild disparaging/jokey response about pride--I have to admit--i kind of went along with whatever they said--but in any case it wasn't hurtful.

 

Gman

[bigvalboy]

Hey Gman, azdr is on target with his analysis. I think that there are numerous solutions to the problem, and many will have an opinion, but I tend to agree with azdr. I think that there is more to a friendship than ones sexual orientation. For me when I was outed at work, I came out kicking and screaming, but my social life actually improved. Most everyone already knew, and for those that were surprised that I was gay, it answered many of their questions. Things just got easier for me socially. No more lying, or skirting the truth. For me it was the best thing that has ever happened,..... BUT...... this is by no means a route that you should take unless you are very comfortable with the many possible ramifications.

 

In the end it might be OK, but then again it might not. Only you can answer that, and none of us has to walk in your shoes....As always, I wish you luck.

[+ Just Sayin]

Gman, it sounds like you are going through a lot right now; I came out in my early 50's; I found that friends from high school, college and other sources were quite supportive and remained my friends; and, by revealing this rather intimate fact about me actually deepened the friendships; I think it is hard to be in the closet; too much compartmentalizing of one's life is difficult; I would encourage you to come out to friends and family who matter to you; I think you will be quite surprised by the good reactions; plus, it helps us all on a societal level; I have no doubt that the more of us who come out, the better it will be for our cities, states and country. Just Sayin'

[down_to_business]

I think you will be OK no matter what you decide to do. There really is no right or wrong choice to make here and I agree it is very hard to predict people's reactions. I keep my sexuality to myself in general so what do I know.

 

Good luck with your decisions.

[Jscott]

Gman, I think we all instinctively know how much we can share with others; it's a useful defense mechanism. Your reservations are probably justified. But as others stated, that doesn't make them any less valuable -- or genuine -- as friends. To an extent, true, if they can't accept you for who you are then trust becomes almost impossible. But we all need varied support systems. Obviously they fill other needs in your life, and that's partly why you feel a sense of incompleteness, even guilt that you haven't come out to them.

 

But it's your choice. At your own pace. And you might be pleasantly surprised. I had a couple of very religious friends; I know they consider homosexuality immoral. But they're also exceptionally bright and sensitive. I finally ended up coming out to them and they proved very supportive. One even jokes about finding husbands together. Conversely my very best friend is extremely supportive but shies away from discussion of anything remotely graphic, almost finding it distasteful, which one of my gay friends finds odd (to be fair, I doubt she'd want to listen to straight sex tales either)...

 

Just go with your instincts but retain the capacity for surprise. And certainly don't throw away a valuable friendship because you feel you can't forge a deeper connection. Hey, even bigots are human beings with the occasional kind impulses.

[+ FreshFluff]

[quoteAnd as they are my major support to some extent--and it's not like I see them weekly--what with their business and children they are really busy people. But Hal has cared enough to have some heart to heart conversations with me lately--even admitting that he takes part in a 12-step program--which I've known him for almost 5 years and never knew that.

 

I am somewhat uncomfortable not telling them I am gay--but I'm afraid of losing them as my only real friends in the area. On top of this I'm probably about to move from the area to the relative's place I referred to in my other thread. I don't know--I don't plan on telling them I'm gay--because in spite of what some people might say that if they can't accept me as gay they aren't really my friends--they are my friends. And I'd hate to lose them. Maybe I shouldn't have brought this subject up here. I guess I'm wondering if anyone else has friends like these.

 

Gman

 

Gman, I agree with you. I suspect that it's a don't ask, don't tell situation. That might disgust some people. But if they're your support system, it's probably more important not to rock the boat than to make a statement. As they get to know you, their views might change.

 

Anyway, it's hard to know. Some economically conservative/socially liberal people call themselves "conservatives." I've noticed that among the faculty in my university, but then that's academia.

[rvwnsd]

... But at the recent local Pride Event--I happened to mention it briefly to both Hal and Jane--separately--and they both made a bit of a remark about it--nothing really rude or offensive --but it didn't sound in favor of Pride--or gays in general.... I don't know--I don't plan on telling them I'm gay--because in spite of what some people might say that if they can't accept me as gay they aren't really my friends--they are my friends. And I'd hate to lose them. ...

 

It was the comment that the wife made years ago about them being the most conservative artists I would probably ever meet. I'm as positive as I can be without seeing their ballots that they voted against marriage equality in our state within the last year. And they recently opened up a gelato biz--not right near the Pride Celebration but within easy walking distance--and the gelato place while not on the gay street in town--but they are like 2 blocks from it--and I mentioned --what no Pride Specials or rainbow stickers for the event--that was when each made a mild disparaging/jokey response about pride--I have to admit--i kind of went along with whatever they said--but in any case it wasn't hurtful...

 

Whether or not to come out is a very personal decision. In my opinion, the only person any of us is required to come out to is ourselves. All others are optional. At the same time, I felt some freedom and relief (for lack of a better word) when I decided to come out to family and friends. Instead of getting someone other than who I am, they got the real me and I got to be myself. With regards to your friends and some of the comments they have made, you might want to consider whether they would have said the same things the same way if they knew you are gay. That isn't to say they would put on a facade for you, but they might reconsider some of their opinions if "gay" was no longer an abstract concept but instead described their friend (you). My devoutly Catholic sister-in-law and her equally devout sister and mother all oppose the state preventing gays and lesbians from marrying the partners of their choosing. Why? Because they could not come to terms with preventing their lesbian aunt/sister and gay brother-in-law/son-in-law's brother (me) from having the same type of relationship they enjoy with their spouses.

 

Regarding the rainbow stickers or pride specials, I see no harm in them deciding not to partake. Several gay-owned businesses along my city's parade route were selling regular-priced beverages and even charging for tap water. Pick Up Sticks (Chinese-insprired food chain) was letting people fill up their bottles for free. Go figure.

 

 

... But Hal has cared enough to have some heart to heart conversations with me lately--even admitting that he takes part in a 12-step program--which I've known him for almost 5 years and never knew that...

 

Hal has come out to you regarding his 12-step program. Good for him. I think this makes him a good person to come out to. You might be surprised by his reaction, or lack thereof.

[+ purplekow]

Gman, I think you are unfair in describing these friends as non-supportive. 'You have not revealed anything to them and you have not asked for their support. How one feels about gay rights in general and how one feels about the gay people that are in their lives are not necessarily identical. I hate whistling. I find it an ear piercing nerve rattling irritant of the highest order. I have a friend who whistles when he is extremely pleased with something. That whistling has always been a source of pleasure for me.

Tell your friends or not, but place the responsibility for the decision and the consequences where it rightly belongs, fully on your shoulders. Your friends may surprise you with their support and that support may make the travails you have now a lot easier. You speak of what you may lose, but it seems, a man in the position you describe for yourself, should look at what is the best that can happen. If you tell them, they may be supportive and you might finally be able to fully breath around them and be able to whistle out proudly.

[tom1980]

As with most important decisions, you have to weigh the potential costs and benefits and make the decision that is right for you, Gman. Only you know how important it is to your mental health and well being to maintain a friendship with these people.

 

The one thing you know for certain is that the relationship will change if you come out to these people and so will your feelings about it. Assuming they are supportive when you speak to them about your sexuality, will you believe that they truly support you or will you think that they are being nice t your face and then talking badly about you behind your back? If they are unavailable the next time you want to have dinner, will you infer that it is because of your sexuality even if there could be another explanation? In other words, you have to weigh the risk of hidden bias as well as open prejudice. Often I think the secret prejudice is harder to handle because people claim to be friends but then treat you differently. At least if they are honest with you, you can write them off and move on with your life. But when people claim to be supportive while distancing themselves from you, it leaves you with hope that they really do have a valid explanation and that they aren't avoiding you because of your sexuality, religion, political views, or whatever.

[+ Gar1eth]

One thing that always bothered me about coming out- is that once I did- I felt like all of my straight acquaintances would attribute all of my personality quirks to being gay- possibly any gay acquaintances too. Well I'm here to say it out loud and proud that I'd be quirky if were straight too.

 

Gman

[bigvalboy]

One thing that always bothered me about coming out- is that once I did- I felt like all of my straight acquaintances would attribute all of my personality quirks to being gay- possibly any gay acquaintances too. Well I'm here to say it out loud and proud that I'd be quirky if were straight too.

 

Gman

 

I think you are making assumptions and not giving your straight friends enough credit. I don't think that you can assume what anyone will or will not think. One of my fears was that many of my straight friends would reject me, and years of nurturing friendships would be lost. Nothing was further from the truth. What I got was disappointment from some of my straight friends who were saddened that I had kept such a large part of my life from them, and that I hadn't believed in them enough to know that they would have accepted me no matter what my sexual orientation.

 

Only you can make those determinations about your friends, since it is you who will feel the ramifications of those who might reject you, but I think that you might be surprised how many of your friends think that it is a non-issue for them....

[+ WilliamM]

I don't think that you can assume what anyone will or will not think. One of my fears was that many of my straight friends would reject me, and years of nurturing friendships would be lost. Nothing was further from the truth. What I got was disappointment from some of my straight friends who were saddened that I had kept such a large part of my life from them, and that I hadn't believed in them enough to know that they would have accepted me no matter what my sexual orientation.

 

That was the reaction I received as well, except for two people -- both important straight friends. All these years later, one came around about a decade ago, but we will never have the same relationship. The other person, a woman, barely spoke to me again. She knew me very well, and did things behind my back that were mean on purpose. It took me many year to understand: when I was in the closet, she felt superior with her husband and children; I destroyed that feeling of superiority --i.e, as someone whom she thought needed her help -- when I came out. She dropped a number of close friends (no one else gay), but no one as viciously. So I did have the benefit of the support of people who wondered how we had all so badly misjudged her.

 

So I understand how G-man feels about all this.

[oceansunshine]

Very good thread (at least for me and as part of my own coming out, at a rather late age).

 

I'm a baby boomer and born in the early 1950's. As a child I heard how being "queer", loving someone of the same sex, was something very bad and such people were perverts.

 

First some background:

I could sense as a young teen (by 13 and I sense now by age 10), that I too had much stronger feelings for a few boys I knew than ANY girls I was with. Other than playing "doctor" with a neighbor girl (age 6, 7 or 8) and learned a bit about our bodies, not really sexual. But then, certainly by age 14, I had a sexual reaction to some boy "friends" but never had such feelings to girls I knew. By 9th grade, I started noticing other boys talk about how pretty some girls where as they walked by. That was when I really knew I was different, as such girls did not in any way grab my attention, but I guess by then some boys did and could feel the reaction that had to my penis and around that time helped strengthen desires to masturbate, and never thinking about girls when I did. But then by 10th grade, started swimming at friends (1 or 2 boys only I knew/clicked with) houses that had pools after school. I remember the joy of skinny dipping and a few overnight sleepovers and while doing both these things exploring our bodies together, including in a sexual way (but only with hands and mouths, never anal). These 9th grade to 12th grade timeline events occurred in the mid to late 1960s.

 

During this same time, I was also socially "odd". I was a heavy math type and writing assembler code on mainframes at a local university (while still in an advanced high school) and even wrote my own bootstrap (IPL) before high school graduation. During this entire period, I never dated girls (or boys), but instead focused on school and mainframe computers starting in the 9th grade thru high school graduation (which by then had completed beyond the 1st full year of university studies, but again, little social skills with kids my own age, but worked well with adults on statistical work and computer programming/computer science & engineering projects and serious product development (we were after all busy with much work with computer companies doing work for NASA, airlines, environmental (including EPA, etc.).

 

So now I found myself as being in the late 1970's. Had great degrees, a great job, etc and tried to "fit in" in the work place socially. I again heard, as I had heard as a child, how bad it was to be "queer". I filled out many forms and interviews for compartmentalized security clearances. I was deep in the closet, fearful that I was sick. I felt the way I imagined British scientist Alan Turning must have felt in the 1940's and did not want my life to end as his did. Then at the same time there was Anita Bryant and her message about homosexuals showed that hate that was perceived by what I thought how the world would thus also value me as a human. I was considered by my company, co-workers and community as hugely successful. I found myself supporting charities important to my community and that I believed did good too. That led to galas that I had to attend. I started going out with a woman to fit in at such events (starting with her almost 20 years ago). All my friends, everyone (wanted) to assume we were a "pair". Even she did. That made things hard as that created much guilt in my mind, even greater than the guilt of being different, and the lie to the world I had created by trying (without success) to change myself internally to have hetro feelings kick-in to overtake my homo feelings which I kept hearing the world (churches, political, DoD, family) all sending me messaging that "gay" was bad, a sin, an illness, etc.

 

So now (in the world of DADT) although I was transparent and logical when it came to work and life "in general", the sexual desires I had and related emotional life with another human I really desired was a lie that I created to all my friends and family just to be perceived and accepted as "normal" and not "sick", again based on words said in church/school any by both my Mom and Dad, all that stuck in my mind since childhood IE over the very negative comments made about "queers", although they never pointed out any actual "queers" to me.

 

So now, 6 years ago, I started to come out to my sister who I had become very close too after my parents died. I was helping her a lot and helping with her 2 daughters (they needed my help and appreciated it, and I appreciated their love too). Then as I was coming out, at that time only to her, she died unexpectedly. That put me in an emotional tailspin. While OK at work, at home on weekends, for over 6 months, I stayed in bed and tried to sleep the weekends away (again being very non-social again). After some emotional communication help talking with my woman friend (she was that one woman mentioned above who I dated and took to all social events, and who truly loved me and did want me to always marry her (and I always had an excuse knowing not to, knowing internally I was gay and that would then be even a bigger lie). Her desire to marry became very strong and I then got the courage (or should I say backbone to start to be honest about my sexual desires) to come out to her. She is still a strong friend. I've also come out to my cousins and neighbors. All have been very supportive.

 

Where I'm still in the closet is still at work and some straight friends who I've known for 30 to 40+ years. And I want to not pretend any more about the sexual side of who I am (and who a future mate could be (learing to gay date now, a thread for another day). Anyway, many of these work/professional people have been "jocks" and have always thought I'm still "always" with my one woman friend as a serious committed couple still thinking she and I are still "one". We are still good friends, but not "one". So if/when I come out to this work group (most who I'd never socialize with seriously on an ongoing basis outside of work, I feel they will rightly feel I've been living "a lie". Plus this work group have made Homo sick jokes, even this year, that keep me in the "closet" at work. Yet I've hired engineers (in their 20's and some now in their 30's) that I knew were gay (gaydar?) when I hired them. My other managers would not have hired them, but I did. Some of these older managers, who would not have hired them, now respect them. :-) But again, the same old co-workers, if/when I come out to them, will feel I've lived a lie to them. That is now the shame and fear I have, until I retire (assuming I don't leave, going to another org 1st). At a new org, I'd be out from day one with any new people that inquired about me in a business social setting...........thus as an older baby boomer, I'm not completely out of the closet yet, but way further out than 7 years ago and learning to seriously date.

 

I do wish I was not fearful of this last step. And one of the fears, is over one of the guys at work who I've been very close to for 25+ years. We've been very good friends outside of work (and was his best man at his wedding) and if he was gay and he knew about me, I know we would have married. I consider him like a brother now and would never want to lose his friendship. If I tell him, will I be considered a big lie to him, scare him? That would be like losing my brother, just as I lost my sister.....

 

I hope all this makes sense.......(or am I crazy).

 

Oh to be 16 now, from the viewpoint of realizing that as a teen being gay. It must be easier today aka "it gets better" to be open and completely "out". And LBGT acceptance including marriage at the federal level has made amazing progress since Joe Biden made his comments a couple of years ago, helping the President open up over marriage/acceptance that really got to be a hot issue in the last 2012 elections...... Maybe for some no different than having a spouse with brown hair vs. blond or red hair. Of course, in other areas, it is harder for young people out or not(economic conditions, cost of schooling, job options, etc).

[+ Charlie]

It is much easier to "be out" now than it ever was before, because one can easily find a community of friends who accept one as gay, if one wants to do so. It is never easy to "come out," because very few of us are born and raised in a setting in which the possibility that one is homosexual is taken for granted and accepted by family, friends and associates. The longer one remains entrenched in that typical heterosexual-assuming milieu, the more difficult it is to leave.

[+ Gar1eth]

I want to thank everyone who has contributed to this thread. I think everyone makes valid points. Obviously there are some I agree with more than others. But I appreciate all the thoughts and feelings that have been expressed. I was afraid I might only receive pure condemnation for not owning up to what I am.

 

It's very possible that I am not giving them enough credit- and that they either might realize I'm gay now-or if they don't - and were to find out, it might not faze them at all. But for now at least in my situation, I don't think I can take the risk of telling them. Since they are pretty much my only close acquaintances here, I just can't take the risk of overturning the apple cart. As it is- there is a good chance I'll be moving away from here in the next two months- possibly never to be back again.

 

Again thank you for taking the time to contribute. This was the main reason I logged back on. I wanted to know if I was being a horrible hypocrite for not trusting my friends enough. Now that I've asked I am not sure what I will do now about staying on the Forum. I don't want to constantly be saying good-bye and returning. But every reason I gave before for saying good-bye- is still valid. I have a lot of thinking to do.

 

Gman

[nate_sf]

Gar1eth,

 

I'm glad you came back to the Forum for this post. It's generated a lot of thoughtful responses and seems to have really struck a chord with a lot of the guys here (not to mention the fluffy gal).

 

Reading how you describe your friends, in outline form I'd say there are a lot of things indicating coming out to them could be OK. They are both in the arts... the husband runs an acting school and has employed a gay teacher in the past. He's also opened up to you about his 12-step program - that's a big deal. The wife made a comment about being one of the most conservative people in the arts around, but what does that mean? In the context of art, "conservative" could mean something quite different than what you might be thinking. Who knows, it might be more akin to "classic" or "tried and true" as opposed to "edgy" or "experimental" art or theater. And as for Pride... even people who are out and proud and confident sometimes can have misgivings about aspects of organized Pride celebrations... Pride celebrations can be great, but can also be a bit corny sometimes. All three of you made some remarks about it, but it might have been more about talking around what has been left unsaid but possibly understood.

 

I once was on a date with a guy who was struggling to tell me something important but couldn't make himself say it. He told me this, and said he was going to write it down because he couldn't bring himself to say it out loud to me. As he wrote it down, I knew already what the note was going to say. Before he even passed me the note (which disclosed that he was HIV+) I told him I knew what he was going to tell me and it was OK. Somehow I just knew, and he knew I knew but it was the way he had to handle it to cross that bridge. I get the sense if you were to do your own note pass to this couple they would probably know without reading it what you were going to tell them. For as long as you've known them, and with the husband confiding in you his own issues, I'm thinking there is probably already an unsaid understanding.

 

A bit over a year ago I went to my high school reunion. It was the first one I'd been to - I'd avoided all the previous ones largely because I was not comfortable being gay with the people I had grown up with. So much baggage there! But thanks to Facebook I was able to disclose in advance so that task was over and done ahead of time. As others have commented here, it's surprising how people react and you can't predict it. Some who I would not have expected to be welcoming turned out to be wildly enthusiastic (even over enthusiastic), including some who consider themselves politically conservative. It was not what I was expecting. If others were not supportive, they probably didn't even bother to say hello but then who cares, since there were plenty of people who did.

 

Before I came out I remember having similar fears about losing good friends, ruining the good relationship I had with my family, etc. But for each disappointment there have been at least ten happy outcomes. As others have said here, you will probably be surprised that people will be more supportive than you're expecting.

[bigvalboy]

Yes this was a good thread, and many thoughtful responses with personal stories that all tell of the struggle that many of us have gone through and what you might experience as well. It is interesting to read that sometimes telling close friends about our personal lives doesn't always work out, and that there are ramifications to "coming out"....Only you can decide how to handle this delicate situation. I applaud you for reading and considering the comments from everyone. In the end as you mention, it has to be your decision, and only you will know when the time is right, if ever. Best of luck going forward.

[oceansunshine]

Every post in this thread has had a positive/good thought provoking impact to many of us (including I'm sure many who have not chimed in, at least not yet). Some not posting, but reading this thread, may be reading these posts and learning to come out even now at age 70+ or 17-.

[oceansunshine]

And I found the below Dan Savage "Homophobic small town" YouTube segment very relevant and complementary to this thread. Maybe others that watch might too:

 

 

Thanks......

[jackhammer91406]

distinctions.....

 

I think you have to draw a distinction between those who are friends that are supportive of you as a person, and those who are supportive of you as a gay person. If you have friends that do not know you are gay, I can't say that they should be dropped since your sexuality is not part of who you are to them. If someone comes out to a "friend" and that friend is not supportive, well, then the decision is made for you.

 

As has already been said, coming out is a very personal thing. Each person comes to that point differently. For me, it was a matter of finally making a determination that it is who I am, and the rest of the world will have to deal with it. I am not militant about it, I just am not living my life for anyone else. Those were my reasons. They are not to be construed as a judgement on anyone not coming out. That is VERY personal and I am supportive of whatever someone decides is valid for their own case.

 

I will say that once I made the decision to tell my friends and family, I began to live a life that felt much more free from having to watch my words and actions. I no longer have to be careful not to notice out loud how cute a baseball player's butt is . Makes things so much easier. Oh, and my family all have been very supportive and can't think of any real friends that I lost because of it.