Is silence golden?

[+ purplekow]

Dear Abby and Forum members:

 

I have a friend that i have known since we were age 10 or so, almost 50 years. We have been very close at times and have lost touch for months and one time, years at a time. Those gaps usually were precipitated by an argument and while we not speaking I still considered us best of friends, just best of friendS who were not speaking at that time. When we reconnected, all seemed back to usual.

Most recently, after a gap of six years, which was precipitated by a particularly hurtful slight, I went to his home and i invited him to a significant event in my life. During those six years, he had divorced and remarried, Upon meeting his wife, i felt a distinct coldness from her toward me but ignored it. My friend and i resumed our relationship, occasional lunches, frequent phone conversations and very rarely a night out. For the last 5 years this has been the nature of things. His wife was never a part of this and in fact, I knew little about her nor the life they shared, One day, I called my friend's home and his wife answered and told me he was not at home, but that she would prefer that i not call him again as my relationship with him was taxing on him and she felt he would be better off if he did not associate with me. She abruptly ended the conversation there.

i tried on two occasions to discuss this with his wife only to be rebuffed and so i decided to do as requested. I always answer when my friend calls and we speak frequently, but i have stopped initiating contact.

Recently, he has been mentioning my being distant and not calling etc. I made the usual excuses about being busy. He has been persistent about it lately and has stated that he feels that i do not want to be involved with him.

A long story to ask a simple question: Tell him his wife asked me to cut him off or not. Continue to respect his wife's request or not.

I have chosen thus far to not tell him and to contact him only when i know his wife is not likely to be with him.

 

Thoughts.

[+ honcho]

I think it would good for him to know what happened.

 

You don't have to frame it in any way that criticizes or passes judgment on her.

[rvwnsd]

I think you should respectfully tell your friend the truth. It sounds like he feels hurt because you do not initiate contact. He needs to know why you have not contacted him.

[adriano46]

purplekow, this is vote #3 for telling him, and I agree with honcho that you should frame it simply as what happened and why you stayed away - let HIM connect the dots to what I peceive is his wife's a) jealousy; or b) suspicion (if she knows you are gay) that he may lean that way, and you threaten her... just sayin'

[EZEtoGRU]

Vote #4 for speaking with him about the wife's request to you. Be factual and unemotional about it...and then let him decide how he handles it with his wife.

[Walker1]

Let him know. This happened to someone I knew-only thing he was bedridden for a few years and new wife wanted total control/money. Messy and best he knows know-he may be angry, she may convince that you are trying to stir up trouble etc. etc. -but best you get it off your chest. It is highly likely that you are not the first she has done this to.

[operalover21]

I, too, vote for being honest with your friend about what happened. As you stated, you have NO relationship with the wife. You owe her nothing, neither confidentiality or anything else. Your loyalty is with your friend. I would have told him from the beginning sort of like ... if this is true, I'm sorry, but I was taken aback. I think your friend could have a legitimate issue with you as to why you didn't tell him. Afterall, it could appear something went on behind his back that he is unaware of. I would talk to him at your earliest convenience before too much time passes.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

He's a big boy and has told you he would welcome your contact. Ignore the wife's request and call him when you want, even if she is around.

 

Then if he asks about the change in pattern, confess that you allowed his wife to influence your communication routine. She requested less/no contact and you didn't want to a problem in his new marriage. Take the ownership of problem and do not blame the B.

[Nvr2Thick]

One day, I called my friend's home and his wife answered and told me he was not at home, but that she would prefer that i not call him again as my relationship with him was taxing on him and she felt he would be better off if he did not associate with me.

 

I think I can understand why you have backed away from your friend. You may be showing respect for your friend's marriage, which you may consider to be a stronger and more important relationship than your friendship. If I'm reading this correctly you're also taking your wife at her word -- accepting that your friendship is in some way harmful, and choosing to do the right thing for the sake of your friend.

 

Others have responded to this post as I would. While your friend's wife could be assessing your friendship accurately there are also a number of self-serving reasons why your friend's wife might be cutting you (and possibly others) off from your friend. Isolation is a warning sign in several types of unhealthy relationships. Still, analyzing and fixing such situations is incredibly difficult. It's nearly impossible to get in the middle of a bad relationship and for it to end well. If you can find a way to follow Honcho's good advice I think that would be the best approach.

 

I've personally found myself in the situation of backing away from friends over time for another reason. You have not suggested anything of the sort in your current situation, but you might ask yourself if elements of it are there. For me, it becomes a matter of my own self-worth. As a gay man I treat myself as a second-class citizen. My relationships with straight people take a back seat to their relationships with girlfriends/boyfriends or spouses, and even to their straight friends. I had some deep friendships when I was younger, and as my friends got married I developed closer bonds with the remaining unmarried friends until they married or developed serious relationships as well. I realized over time that while I could expect friends' marriages to be dominant relationships, it was I who was choosing to back away entirely instead of maintaining close friendships. I've viewed my close friendships with straight men as these bubbles of unreality in their real, straight lives with girlfriends, wives, straight buddies.

 

It's not my intent to make your question all about me. You might, however, ask yourself what your true motivations are for backing away. If there's some element of what I've described of myself in your situation you might reassess. Do you think you are less worthy of his friendship because he has a wife, or because his wife has established herself as the real relationship? Do you have a good reason to believe that your friendship is ultimately taxing and harmful?

[+ WilliamM]

Given your past history of an on-and-off friendship, I see dangers if you tell him directly about your conversation with his wife.

He might conclude that you are jealous of his wife. If she is uncomfortable with your friendship, it's up to her to tell him not you.

 

I suggest you call the house, as you did before. But, I would also occasionally call him by cell phone, or text him about getting together.

[jgoo]

She should have told her husband to discontinue contact with you rather than telling you. As sam said, he is a big boy and he can make his own decisions. However, that is water over the dam.

 

I am sure, as a friend, you would not want to be the cause of excessive stress on your friend. So before putting him in the middle, I suggest first that you should reflect and ask yourself if there is anything to what she has said about your relationship with him possibly being taxing. What could that possibly relate to and is there something you might consider changing in your interaction to make it less so (if you think that has some merit)? It may be true or it may be her way of keeping control, but at least worth thinking about.

 

Your loyalties and responsibilities are with your friend, and doing right by him. If he values your relationship, which it appears that he does, then it is unfair to be remote so you have an obligation to protect your friendship. I believe, as others have said, that ultimately you will need to have a conversation with him to let him know about the situation and see if together there is a way to effectively deal with the wife.

 

Btw, I assume she knows you are gay? Does she have some concerns or worries about her husband's sexuality?

[operalover21]

Given your past history of an on-and-off friendship, I see dangers if you tell him directly about your conversation with his wife.

He might conclude that you are jealous of his wife. If she is uncomfortable with your friendship, it's up to her to tell him not you.

 

I suggest you call the house, as you did before. But, I would also occasionally call him by cell phone, or text him about getting together.

 

I agree with you but the wife approached him and said specific things. He's not telling his friend some impression he has about their marriage. He's simply reporting exactly what happened and what the wife said to him. If the friend has a problem with that, then that is a different story. If it were me, as the friend, I'd be very upset that there was a conversation about me behind my back between my friend and my wife and that I knew nothing about it.

[operalover21]

She should have told her husband to discontinue contact with you rather than telling you. As sam said, he is a big boy and he can make his own decisions. However, that is water over the dam.

 

I am sure, as a friend, you would not want to be the cause of excessive stress on your friend. So before putting him in the middle, I suggest first that you should reflect and ask yourself if there is anything to what she has said about your relationship with him possibly being taxing. What could that possibly relate to and is there something you might consider changing in your interaction to make it less so (if you think that has some merit)? It may be true or it may be her way of keeping control, but at least worth thinking about.

 

Your loyalties and responsibilities are with your friend, and doing right by him. If he values your relationship, which it appears that he does, then it is unfair to be remote so you have an obligation to protect your friendship. I believe, as others have said, that ultimately you will need to have a conversation with him to let him know about the situation and see if together there is a way to effectively deal with the wife.

 

Btw, I assume she knows you are gay? Does she have some concerns or worries about her husband's sexuality?

 

I can see the point of all of that but the OP stated that he knows nothing about the marriage, has no interaction with the wife, and doesn't know her at all. So why act on anything she said in the first place is a legitimate question? I wouldn't have. I would have told her, point blank, if there's a problem please talk to your husband, not me. But having decided to listen to her and then act on what she said by basically agreeing to her request, there is now a problem. It seems there's only two choices: continue acting on what she said or explain to the friend what happened and why you've been distant. It's up to the friend to decide how to react and what to do.

 

The friend isn't in the middle, the OP poster is. The wife put him there and, sadly, he agreed to be there. How does one know that anything the wife said is even true? Perhaps she just wanted the OP to go away and just created this whole drama hoping he would?

 

It is the friend's job to "effectively" deal with the wife, I would stay out of that one. Your only obligation, IMHO, is to tell your friend the truth of what happened because every day that has gone by that you haven't you've been lying to him and I'm not sure how that is going to look to your friend.

[Diverdan]

If you want to maintain your friendship, you have to be honest with him and relay, in as dispassionate a way as possible, what his wife requested. Your friend deserves to know what kind of a wife he has and will have to deal with it. Perhaps she treats all of his friends in the same way. No use to speculate on her motivation, etc., but the truth is always the best approach.

[wayout]

I agree with you but the wife approached him and said specific things. He's not telling his friend some impression he has about their marriage. He's simply reporting exactly what happened and what the wife said to him. If the friend has a problem with that, then that is a different story. If it were me, as the friend, I'd be very upset that there was a conversation about me behind my back between my friend and my wife and that I knew nothing about it.

 

The potential danger still exists as it is unclear what the wife will say in response to the OP informing her husband of the conversation. As was stated the OP knows little or nothing about the wife at all so he has no idea if she would put a totally different spin on it or even outright lie about the conversation. Not suggesting he not discuss this the husband, but at least be aware of the possible landmines and how to adeptly avoid them as best he can.

[down_to_business]

Another recommendation to have the difficult conversation with your friend. Try to keep it on point and factual without allowing emotions and blame and speculation confuse the issue. In the end it really doesn't matter why the wife said this to you so stop wastig any time trying to figure it out. You will have to accept that there is a chance the conversation will not go well or the result will not be the one you want-- but continuing on "as is" with "holding back" and questions from your friend without answers will do more to kill that relationship then anything else.

[+ WilliamM]

The potential danger still exists as it is unclear what the wife will say in response to the OP informing her husband of the conversation. As was stated the OP knows little or nothing about the wife at all so he has no idea if she would put a totally different spin on it or even outright lie about the conversation. Not suggesting he not discuss this the husband' date=' but at least be aware of the possible landmines and how to adeptly avoid them as best he can.[/quote']

 

Exactly. For all anyone knows, the wife may well have put the OP in the position of telling her husband about the conversation so she can deny it, and seem the innocent party. One of the most important lessons I have learned is to stand back and let people come to me first.

[KMEM]

This is a common problem when others are newly married. The wife is jealous of any association with others and especially time spent with them. Until and unless she becomes comfortable with her own relationship this will continue regardless of the "interfering" man. Men are easily distracted whether by sports, food, outdoor activities or even sex. It likely has little or nothing to do with being gay and merely being in her territory.

 

I would not seek out an opportunity to tell your friend what transpired but I would not resist either if pressed by him. A lot of guy relationships continue without the wife but are usually limited by her actions or feelings.

 

Best regards,

KMEM

[+ beethoven]

I agree that you should discuss this with your friend, and it should not be difficult for you to be tactful and respectful. I'm very surprised that he doesn't already know that his wife dislikes you. I'd think she would have told him. Evidently they don't communicate that well in their marriage.

Clearly, you like him, and he likes you enough to keep in contact, and even to complain that you've been "distant." Why sacrifice this friendship just because of his homophobic wife?

I have two close friends who are married, and I get along just fine with their wives; I consider all of them friends. But one of my friends can't stand my other friend's wife. (We've ALL known each other for more than forty years.) And my friend knows that, and accepts it, and never mentions it. So I see each couple frequently, but I never see the four of them together. We three "guys" get together often, but no wives. And that works just fine.

So if your friend knows that his wife doesn't like you, he can certainly continue to see you, and merely leave his wife out of the mix. But if he understands this, it will preserve and improve your relationship.

[N13]

Seems to me the easiest and best way to handle this is to call your friend. Tell him you have been under stress but that you value your friendship. If the wife answers and asks you not to call again...suggest she take this up with her husband not you and call whenever you want to.

 

This way you do not bring up the wife with your friend and risk his having to be 'loyal' to her.

[+ purplekow]

I must admit i am very surprised at the almost universal opinion to tell my friend. I cannot recall such unanimity on this board on any other topic.

I have no idea if the wife is homophobic though she has a history of bad relations with both of his brothers, both of whom are gay. I am the godfather of all three of this man's children from a previous marriage, so I am frequently included in events that many friends would not be invited to attend though now that the boys are men in their twenties, these events are less frequent.

I did not tell my friend initially as i thought i may start trouble in a new marriage.

I was inclined to tell my friend but felt i was somehow being selfish by doing so. i think i will tell him if the subject arises again. I will downplay the abrasiveness of the request and state my reasons for honoring his wife's request.

[Walker1]

I think it is best to tell him. Now if the couple were in their 20s fine-women/girls that age can be posessive. But later on, at this age, it seems like she is trying to isolate him from friends and family. Perhaps when you tell him, it will be a case of who bells the cat first and all the others will chime in. Or it could be that she becomes a crazy drama queen and convinces your friend you are some sort of villain. One thing with women, not all, but enough-they can burst out in tears and become dramatic and lie and play the victim so easily-that it becomes a game to them. of course men's desire to play the knight in shining armor only encourages this behaviour. But best to get it off your chest and let your friend decide how it may play out. Who knows , in a year or two-he might be rid of the nag or not.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

i think i will tell him if the subject arises again. I will downplay the abrasiveness of the request and state my reasons for honoring his wife's request.

 

PK - I suspect that now that you have decided how to handle the situation, your future interactions with this friend become more relaxed and appear less distant to your friend. As such, the topic may not arise again.

[+ Charlie]

I have a slightly different take on this. Since the wife apparently made the request of you a while ago, it is possible that at that time she genuinely believed that your calls were putting a stress on him. Since you don't know what he and she have discussed, and he has indicated that he would like to hear from you more often, then start initiating contact again, regardless of whether she is there, because he has certainly given you permission to do so. If she again asks you to stop, that is the time to bring her request up with your friend.

[Decatur Guy]

I'm always about third options, and here's mine: WOO THE WIFE. I'd try to establish a separate friendship just with her that stands on its own. No real harm can come of that. It could turn out she just feels left out and you've gained a new friend. And if she's just 100% against you, you'll have learned that. He'll see that you've made the attempt to reach out to her, and that will help no matter what you decide.