Friday Funnies

[mike carey]

[+ tassojunior]

[+ Gar1eth]

I'm not sure I'd want him for a friend.  But he's hilarious. 
 

 

[+ azdr0710]

 

[samhexum]

During tonight's law and order, there was a commercial for the drug Repatha. Considering the program during which it was airing, shouldn't that have been R. Epatha?

[mike carey]

Note of clarification for those who were unaware, Three Year Letterman is a widely known satirical / parody account. From what I've read he never goes out of character, even refusing any publicity as his real persona.

[mike carey]

[+ Tygerscent]

[+ jeezopete]

[+ jeezopete]

[+ jeezopete]

[+ jeezopete]

[+ Tygerscent]

Why is punctuation important? It marks the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

I caught my boyfriend masturbating with an ear of corn. I said, "WTF? I was going to eat that later, now it's going to taste like corn."

 

What's the difference between light and hard? I can fall asleep with a light on.

 

Two married couples went on a weekend vacation together. As the weekend passed, and they were having a good time, one of them said, "You know what I always wanted to try was that partner-swapping thing." As they all glanced at each other, they then decided to just go for it. A couple hours later after some mad, passionate love-making, one of the guys exclaimed, "I can't believe I waited this long to do this. That was amazing...I wonder how the girls are doing."

 

A newlywed gay couple meets with the pastor of a church they're interested in joining. After talking with him for a while, the pastor says, "I would love to have you two as members of my church, but there is something I must ask of you before you can join. You have to abstain from sex for two weeks." The couple agrees to these terms, and two weeks later they are meeting with the pastor again. "So how did it go?" he asks them. "Well, we almost made it the full two weeks," the husband answers.

"But yesterday he bent down to pick up a package of frozen vegetables and I was overcome with desire. I just couldn't help myself." The pastor pauses for a moment, then says, "Well I'm sorry, but you are not welcome in my church." 

"I understand," says the husband. "We're not welcome in Safeway anymore either."

[wsc]

6 hours ago, Tygerscent said:

Why is punctuation important? It marks the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

There is a 2003 book by Lynne Truss titled Eats, Shoots & Leaves, which inside points out the difference between "A Panda eats shoots and leaves," and "A Panda eats, shoots, and leaves." One statement describes dietary habits and the other requires a post-lunch gunshot. 

The book's subtitle is The Zero Tolerance Approach to Punctuation, and I have always loved it! (But unlike the author's title, I am also unabashedly committed to the Oxford comma!)

Thank you for the reminder!

[wsc]

6 hours ago, Tygerscent said:

Why is punctuation important? It marks the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

In the summer of 1967, I was in a monastery on the west side of Detroit, beginning studies for the priesthood. (BTW - it didn't take.)

One night that summer a huge riot broke out in Detroit, about 5 miles from our location. We students went up to the roof and could see a wide-angle expanse or orange glow as fires ravaged the riot-torn area.

In the riot's aftermath, I and my fellow students, as part of multi-faith initiative, went to the devasted neighborhoods to go door-to-door and ask if we could offer help (food, clothing, and so on) to any who needed it.

The priests lent us their Roman collars to go with our black suits, so we looked like junior priests, and even more out of place.

At one house, we were greeted by a young Black man, near our own age, and who couldn't believe what he saw in front of him. With a huge smile and eyes wide open, he laughed and asked, What are you guys doing here? We made our offer of help, but he declined saying he and his family were fine.

But then he said there was one thing we might help with.

You see, he said, I got this uncle named Jack. And my uncle has gotten up on this elephant [not a horse in this story] and now can't get down. So, could you guys help my Uncle Jack off the elephant?

My partner snorted at the question and I turned to him wondering why. I then turned back to the young man and said, Yes, of course we'll help.

My partner now laughed out loud and the young man's eyes got even bigger. No, no, man, See, my uncle's stuck up on this elephant and would you help my Uncle Jack off the elephant?

My partner is now bent over laughing and I again say to the young man, Yes, of course we'll help your uncle!

My partner collapses in a fit of laughter and the young man seems ready to go into convulsions.

I think now that I'm obviously supposed to say "No" but cannot understand why we wouldn't help this young man's poor uncle.

After one more round of back and forth, my now hysterically laughing partner begins to pull me away and down the steps saying goodbye and we're sorry to the young Black man, who now has a story to tell of a completely clueless Catholic boy who didn't even know what "jack off" meant.

There was a time I was that innocent. And that clueless. How things have changed.

[samhexum]

7 hours ago, Tygerscent said:

Why is punctuation important? It marks the difference between helping your Uncle Jack off a horse and helping your uncle jack off a horse.

 

12 minutes ago, wsc said:

You see, he said, I got this uncle named Jack. And my uncle has gotten up on this elephant [not a horse in this story] and now can't get down. So, could you guys help my Uncle Jack off the elephant?