I think I fell in love and need advice

[Heartnet24]

Hello everyone,

Forgive me if I'm a little vague on details, but I'm not sure what's allowed here. I met an escort several times last year, and we transitioned into being friends at the beginning of this year. Since then, we've been hanging out a lot (nearly every day since March), and i developed feelings for him. We have talked about being in a relationship, and he said he wasnt interested in one right now, which I respect, and i havent brought it up since. 

I do have somewhat obsessive thoughts, which I'm currently keeping in check, but I do want more out of him than what hes willing and capable of giving.

Ive only been in love with one other person in my life, and that was a strange complicated fourteen year ordeal.

Also, one of my biggest laments at the moment is that I've always had self esteem issues regarding my body, and hes incredibly active with everyone but me.

I dont know how to move past these feelings, without completely cutting him out, which I dont want to do. But maybe thats just creating a vicious cycle for me. I guess I'm just looking for advice on how I should proceed.

Feel free to ask questions or dm me.

Thanks!

[+ JamesB]

https://www.companyofmen.org/topic/152776-anybody-else-fall-for-the-men-they-hire/

[WoolCave]

Don’t focus on the sex you’re not having with him  that he’s having with everyone else. 
 

Focus on all the intimate emotional connection he’s having with you that he’s not having with everyone else. 
 

My best friend is a world renowned porn star 12 years younger than me. Our very real connection stems from a botched hire off Rentmen 6 years ago. In year two I remember being sad that he had no desire to fuck me. I just got back from visiting him in Brazil, staying with him in his place for 5 days. We just kept talking about how great our friendship is and I focus on all the parts of him he’s free to express with me, and I with him, that he doesn’t share with his tricks, nor me with my escorts. 
 

Try to be happy with the relationship you do have and don’t focus on the pieces that are lacking. 

[ACluelessGent]

12 hours ago, Heartnet24 said:

I do want more out of him than what hes willing and capable of giving.

 

Big trouble. Walk away.

[MscleLovr]

2 hours ago, WoolCave said:

Try to be happy with the relationship you do have and don’t focus on the pieces that are lacking. 

Excellent advice. This is key to you being happy in future.

 

15 hours ago, Heartnet24 said:

I met an escort….we transitioned into being friends at the beginning of this year….we've been hanging out a lot….and i developed feelings for him. We…talked about…a relationship, and…he wasnt interested…

When someone tells you something, believe them.
He didn’t respond the way you desired, and there is no reason to persist in your desire. 
All relationships change over time.
Be happy that you have a close, loving friendship with this man. It may or may not develop over the years.

I had an intense love affair with an escort - he made all the running - and it lasted some years. After a couple of years silence, he renewed contact. Since then, we’ve had a close and intimate friendship that’s now endured for 15 years. 
My partner (who’s a much younger man) has met him and he’s very comfortable with my ex being a good friend.

 

15 hours ago, Heartnet24 said:

Ive only been in love with one other person in my life, and that was a strange complicated fourteen year ordeal.

That’s an alarming statement. I don’t feel that love should ever be an “ordeal”. 
Are you simply overthinking everything?
Do you analyse every potential friendship or romance as soon as it starts?

I notice you didn’t mention your age nor that of the escort. I wonder if getting older is having an impact on you and your thinking.
You are allowed to find joy and take pleasure in the company of another man - even if it doesn’t meet some your definition of a relationship

 

[Heartnet24]

I do believe him, I guess my issue is just reconciling the fact that what I want is different than what I want, which is my burden to bear.

The ordeal I referenced didnt have anything to do with the current situation, but it was an ordeal, and did leave me with some unresolved trauma.

I am overthinking a lot of things, and I'm aware of that fact, I think one of the issues is making the mental transition from the fantasy of hiring an escort to not having that fantasy anymore.

I'm 35 and hes 32, though he won't admit that lol. And I would say yes my age does have something to do with my way of thinking. 

I do appreciate your insights thus far @MscleLovr and you @WoolCave

[MaybeMaybeNot]

You must find a way to keep the friendship in perspective or you will ruin an otherwise beautiful platonic friendship.  If you cannot keep the separation, it is best if you initiate pulling away. Perhaps reach out to a therapist to talk to. 

I had a friend for several decades.  One day, she decided she was in love with me after once clearly indicating that she wasn't interested in dating. I couldn't tell her I was gay. She was a lovely person in every way, but even if I was straight, she would not have been an ideal personality fit. She simply wouldn't take no for an answer. It got to the point, I almost had to file a restraining order. We are no longer speaking. We had a great friendship, and she ruined it by being unable to take no for an answer.  In the process, she really freaked me out and dug up a lot of past trauma around my sexuality. 

No means no. Two people need to feel the same thing for there to be a dating relationship.  A beautiful friendship is not second best, so people shouldn't treat it that way. 

My best to you.  

Edited Wednesday at 02:53 PM by MaybeMaybeNot

[Heartnet24]

13 minutes ago, MaybeMaybeNot said:

You must find a way to keep the friendship in perspective or you will ruin an otherwise beautiful platonic friendship.  If you cannot keep the separation, it is best if you initiate pulling away. Perhaps reck out to a therapist to talk to. 

 

I wholeheartedly agree that no means no. And thats why I havent forced the issue regarding sex anymore. Or dating, though that was a minor want and not a big deal to me. As for the quoted part, thats currently the issue I'm having, and im struggling to separate the two. I do want him in my life, but I also think its not fair to him or myself to be feeling some type of way and not being able to separate it out or at least have a conversation about how im feeling (though that thought terrifies me on other levels). I have a therapy appointment next week and this will probably be the main point of discussion lol.

[WoolCave]

I gave up this hobby because I found the man of my dreams on seeking arrangement that checked every box for me. I fell in love hard and fast, and I stayed there.
 

Just last night we had a really tough conversation.

When we met, I wanted him sexually and he wanted to travel and see the world. We spent 21 weeks out of the past 52 fucking in every corner of the world, filling passports and loving life. 
 

Last night he shared with me that this arrangement is no longer meeting his needs. That he absolutely loves our travel, but each trip is a distraction from him achieving his goal of financial independence.  He said the come down after each trip is a lot when he goes back to his real life and is reminded of his desire to be able to afford to do this with the man of his dreams.  
 

Our arrangement still meets my needs in every measurable way. Now it’s up to me to figure out a way to meet the new, pressing need he expressed to me, or risk losing it. Relationships are always evolving and don’t always look the same as when they started. 
 

I believe you have the emotional intelligence to find some common ground with him and enjoy the intimacy you create together.  

Edited Wednesday at 03:17 PM by WoolCave

[Heartnet24]

37 minutes ago, WoolCave said:

I gave up this hobby because I found the man of my dreams on seeking arrangement that checked every box for me. I fell in love hard and fast, and I stayed there.
 

Just last night we had a really tough conversation.

When we met, I wanted him sexually and he wanted to travel and see the world. We spent 21 weeks out of the past 52 fucking in every corner of the world, filling passports and loving life. 
 

Last night he shared with me that this arrangement is no longer meeting his needs. That he absolutely loves our travel, but each trip is a distraction from him achieving his goal of financial independence.  He said the come down after each trip is a lot when he goes back to his real life and is reminded of his desire to be able to afford to do this with the man of his dreams.  
 

Our arrangement still meets my needs in every measurable way. Now it’s up to me to figure out a way to meet the new, pressing need he expressed to me, or risk losing it. Relationships are always evolving and don’t always look the same as when they started. 
 

I believe you have the emotional intelligence to find some common ground with him and enjoy the intimacy you create together.  

Thank you for sharing your story. I do appreciate it. And i agree woth you. I wish you luck on your journey.

[+ nycman]

In the grand tradition…. I feel a song coming on:

 

Edited Wednesday at 09:56 PM by nycman

[Wings246]

On 9/8/2026 at 11:31 AM, Heartnet24 said:

I met an escort several times last year, and we transitioned into being friends at the beginning of this year.

What exactly did you mean by this statement?  Are there absolutely no sexual and monetary involvements now?  If so, who initiated the friend-zone discussion?  I can’t help but assume that it was him.  In that case, the answer is quite crystal clear.

On 9/8/2026 at 11:31 AM, Heartnet24 said:

hes incredibly active with everyone but me.

Am I understanding this correctly, that he's SEXUALLY active with everyone but you after the friend-zone declaration?

Like everyone else has mentioned above, no really means no.  I really hate to burst your bubble, but you will very likely end up hurting yourself more if you continue to allow your fantasy to fly.  Maybe it would be a good idea to ask the therapist how to turn your romantic feelings into platonic ones.

[Heartnet24]

 

17 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

What exactly did you mean by this statement?  Are there absolutely no sexual and monetary involvements now?  If so, who initiated the friend-zone discussion?  I can’t help but assume that it was him.  In that case, the answer is quite crystal clear.

There are absolutely no sexual involvements now. Id say theres some money involvement, and there was more historically (i.e. I've helped him with his rent occassionally) but hes also aware of what's going on my life, so over the past few months, hes never really asked for money, and i havent really given him any.

I started the conversation last fall, and hired him a few times after that. Then in January I just kind of stopped hiring him, but we still were hanging out, and we never really discussed it again.

17 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

Am I understanding this correctly, that he's SEXUALLY active with everyone but you after the friend-zone declaration?

Like everyone else has mentioned above, no really means no.  I really hate to burst your bubble, but you will very likely end up hurting yourself more if you continue to allow your fantasy to fly.  Maybe it would be a good idea to ask the therapist how to turn your romantic feelings into platonic ones.

Yes, you are correct in your assumption. Like he's constantly talking about all of his hookups. And to be clear, I'm not bothered that he's promiscuous, I'm bothered that I'm not included. 

I know no means no, and it's why I haven't bothered pushing the issue with him. This is all my burden to bear, I'm just not sure how. And i will take your suggestion to my therapist when we meet next week. 

[Wings246]

@Heartnet24: I think you know the answers yourself.  We all do.  You just need someone who's more detached and objective to affirm your perspectives.  It will likely be a long, hard, and perhaps even painful process.  At least you should be grateful that he's not leading you on.  I wish you the best of luck.

Edited Thursday at 12:54 AM by Wings246

[Heartnet24]

8 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

@Heartnet24: I think you know the answers yourself.  We all do.  You just need someone who's more detached and objective to affirm your perspectives.  It will likely be a long, hard, and perhaps even painful process.  At least you should be grateful for the fact that he's not leading you on.  I wish you the best of luck.

I am grateful for that. But I guess the perspective is that I need to remove myself a lot until I get my head on straight?

[Wings246]

There are a few possibilities with your relationship:

• He leads you on to take advantage of your financial support — luckily, this did not happen.
• He proactively steps away from you romantically — is this easier for you?
• You proactively step away from him romantically — this is what we discussed.
• You switch everything to a platonic version of pure friendship — this will require a lot of effort and will power from you.
• You stay in a “murky” situation and hope for one day, something strikes him and turns him to see you differently (i.e. romantically).  After all, you said he told you he wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, but he could be ready for one tomorrow.
• Are there other possibilities that you wish for?

The real question is: which one do you prefer?

[Heartnet24]

15 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

There are a few possibilities with your relationship:

• He leads you on to take advantage of your financial support — luckily, this did not happen.
• He proactively steps away from you romantically — is this easier for you?
• You proactively step away from him romantically — this is what we discussed.
• You switch everything to a platonic version of pure friendship — this will require a lot of effort and will power from you.
• You stay in a “murky” situation and hope for one day, something strikes him and turns him to see you differently (i.e. romantically).  After all, you said he told you he wasn’t interested in a relationship right now, but he could be ready for one tomorrow.
• Are there other possibilities that you wish for?

The real question is: which one do you prefer?

Thank you for plainly laying this out. I am an overthinker and very prone to falling down rabbit holes. I will admit that your fifth point about the murky is kind of the hope I guess. But a blend of the third and fourth points should be what I work towards. 

[TheJusticeLeague]

3 hours ago, Heartnet24 said:

 

There are absolutely no sexual involvements now. Id say theres some money involvement, and there was more historically (i.e. I've helped him with his rent occassionally) but hes also aware of what's going on my life, so over the past few months, hes never really asked for money, and i havent really given him any.

I started the conversation last fall, and hired him a few times after that. Then in January I just kind of stopped hiring him, but we still were hanging out, and we never really discussed it again.

Yes, you are correct in your assumption. Like he's constantly talking about all of his hookups. And to be clear, I'm not bothered that he's promiscuous, I'm bothered that I'm not included. 

I know no means no, and it's why I haven't bothered pushing the issue with him. This is all my burden to bear, I'm just not sure how. And i will take your suggestion to my therapist when we meet next week. 

Surprisingly I have developed feelings for someone whom I hired too. And similarly they tell me everything from their day to hook up and we no longer play. Like you I was somewhat jealous why I wasn’t getting in on the actions when I was financially supporting them.. but after a few arguments my feelings subsided. We are still friends. I will say this, your infatuation will die down.. let it slowly go away and take your mind off of it. It is very unhealthy 

Edited Thursday at 03:23 AM by TheJusticeLeague

[Wings246]

18 hours ago, Heartnet24 said:

I will admit that your fifth point about the murky is kind of the hope I guess. But a blend of the third and fourth points should be what I work towards. 

I have a strong feeling that's where you stand even before your reply.  It never hurts to hope for the best and pray for miracles to happen, but sometimes, we have to accept reality at face value.  Time will heal.  As suggested by many, many other CoM members here, the easiest and quickest way to get over this is to find replacements on RM.  New hires can potentially help you forget about him after a few appointments.

[Heartnet24]

4 minutes ago, Wings246 said:

New hires can potentially help you forget about him after a few appointments.

The issue is I'm in a less populated town in terms of providers, so they're a little harder to come by lol. But I do appreciate everything that you've said.