Obsessive Former Client

[Tiredsoul]

Hello,

What is the best way to deal with a client who has become obsessive to the point of threatening and abusive.

For context, I believe this client is/was in love with me to unhealthy level. Once I told him I was no longer would continue as a provider it took a dark turn where he has become very abusive and threatening. What is the best way to deal with a situation like this?

[Danny-Darko]

1 hour ago, Tiredsoul said:

Hello,

What is the best way to deal with a client who has become obsessive to the point of threatening and abusive.

For context, I believe this client is/was in love with me to unhealthy level. Once I told him I was no longer would continue as a provider it took a dark turn where he has become very abusive and threatening. What is the best way to deal with a situation like this?

Possibly a restraining order? By what you describe he seems unstable. Protect yourself and stay safe! 

[CuriousByNature]

Sorry to hear this happened to you.  A few questions:

1. How long has he known you?

2. When did you cut off the relationship?  (if this is very recent, could he be acting out?)

3. Does he know where you live/have access to you other than via text/chat?

No matter what the answers are, your safety is most important.  If violence is a possibility, it might be wise to let other friends of yours know what's happening so they can check in on you and monitor.  Also, consider going to the authorities and letting them know that someone you had a casual relationship with is making threats to your safety - if that is the character of his threats.  But also consider if a visit from the authorities might push him further over the edge.  Hopefully he will calm down and move on.  But please keep yourself safe.  

Edited Friday at 05:15 PM by CuriousByNature

[Tiredsoul]

1 hour ago, CuriousByNature said:

Sorry to hear this happened to you.  A few questions:

1. How long has he known you?

2. When did you cut off the relationship?  (if this is very recent, could he be acting out?)

3. Does he know where you live/have access to you other than via text/chat?

No matter what the answers are, your safety is most important.  If violence is a possibility, it might be wise to let other friends of yours know what's happening so they can check in on you and monitor.  Also, consider going to the authorities and letting them know that someone you had a casual relationship with is making threats to your safety - if that is the character of his threats.  But also consider if a visit from the authorities might push him further over the edge.  Hopefully he will calm down and move on.  But please keep yourself safe.  

I have known him for 3.5 years. 

I notified I wanted to gradually end things well over a year and that we may remain friends. However, he has become progressively worse and much more abusive. 

Unfortunately he knows where I live but we live several hours away. He knows my phone number and email. 

He states he has pictures of me and threatens to "expose" me too my family and employer. 

If we live in different counties would the authorities be able to do anything? Or would they just take a report of it happening? 

Can you file a restraining order against sometime you never lived with?

[Colton]

51 minutes ago, Tiredsoul said:

Can you file a restraining order against sometime you never lived with?

These questions are better suited for ChatGPT.  While it’s not 100% right, it gets basic (and many not-so-basic) legal questions generally right. 

[LookingAround]

1 hour ago, Tiredsoul said:

I have known him for 3.5 years. 

I notified I wanted to gradually end things well over a year and that we may remain friends. However, he has become progressively worse and much more abusive. 

Unfortunately he knows where I live but we live several hours away. He knows my phone number and email. 

He states he has pictures of me and threatens to "expose" me too my family and employer. 

If we live in different counties would the authorities be able to do anything? Or would they just take a report of it happening? 

Can you file a restraining order against sometime you never lived with?

You can file a restraining order against someone you never lived with definitely yes. 
You also need legal counsel. 

[+ JamesB]

I’m really sorry you’re dealing with this. What you describe is serious, it sounds like stalking and harassment and you deserve to feel safe. Based on best practices for situations like this, here are some steps I would strongly recommend:

1. Cut off all contact. Block his phone number, email, social media, and any other channels. Don’t respond to messages or calls, even if they’re apologetic or manipulative. If he creates new accounts or uses unknown numbers, document them but do not engage. If you haven’t already, you may send a single clear message such as “Do not contact me again” (ideally via email so it’s traceable) and then stop responding entirely.

2. Document everything. Keep a detailed log of every incident, dates, times, screenshots, voicemails, emails, and any evidence that he knows your address or has compromising information. This documentation is vital if you need to involve law enforcement.

3. Make a safety plan. Since he knows where you live, be prepared in case of an unexpected visit. If he ever shows up or makes direct threats, call 911 immediately.

Regarding your question about authorities in different counties. Yes, they can do more than just take a report, though it depends on the specifics. And yes, you can absolutely file a restraining order (also called a protective order or order of protection) against someone you've never lived with, as long as their behavior meets the criteria for stalking, harassment, or threats; living together isn't required.

[NYXboy]

I would advise to contact SWOP and they can give you real world on the ground help.  (Sex Workers Outreach Program) 

 

SWOP USA

SWOPUSA.ORG

---

Sex worker righfs Black Trans Grassroots Organization working for SW Rights and connecting with communities. Welcome to the new and improved...

 

 

 

 

[soloyo215]

9 hours ago, Tiredsoul said:

Hello,

What is the best way to deal with a client who has become obsessive to the point of threatening and abusive.

For context, I believe this client is/was in love with me to unhealthy level. Once I told him I was no longer would continue as a provider it took a dark turn where he has become very abusive and threatening. What is the best way to deal with a situation like this?

Take it seriously, and try to document the incidents in case it might need to escalate into involving the police.

This might sound obvious, but  be consistent with your answers to any attempts at contact, say no all the time to anything that he offers, firmly, don't accept anything, including invitations to meeting him "to talk".

I'm sorry that's happening to you.

Best

[TonyDown]

 How many clients know your employer and family?

Sounds messy.

 

I would block his # and stop communicating with him.

 

[DMonDude]

On 8/29/2025 at 12:32 PM, Colton said:

These questions are better suited for ChatGPT.  While it’s not 100% right, it gets basic (and many not-so-basic) legal questions generally right. 

Or they could just Google an abuse hotline and have a 100% correct result come up at the very top. ChatGPT is terrible for anything that is actually important like this.

[+ PhileasFogg]

First, I’m sorry you’re having to confront this. What’s happening to you is unfair, manipulative, and wrong.

Second, there’s a power dynamic here. As long as you fear him revealing information to your family or employer, he holds the leverage. Ask yourself honestly: if he did share it, would it truly be life-altering, or would it mainly cause embarrassment? If it’s the latter, remember that embarrassment fades—and when you no longer fear that outcome, you take away his power.

Third, consider the legal angle. If his threats involve physical harm, a restraining order may be appropriate. If they are purely about exposing information, then ask: what does he want? If he’s demanding something in exchange for silence, that fits the definition of extortion or blackmail—both serious crimes that law enforcement can act on. That shifts the leverage back to you 

Finally, about blocking him: if you believe he might actually carry out threats, cutting off contact removes visibility into his escalation. Strategically, it can be useful to keep communication open—not to engage with him, but to let him incriminate himself. Every message could give you the evidence you need for action. And remember, you always keep the choice of whether to respond or stay silent

[Colton]

17 hours ago, DMonDude said:

Or they could just Google an abuse hotline and have a 100% correct result come up at the very top. ChatGPT is terrible for anything that is actually important like this.

Not sure if you read the questions but they were pretty basic.  ChatGPT could handle them and also tell you next steps to get you going.  

[+ KensingtonHomo]

13 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

Second, there’s a power dynamic here. As long as you fear him revealing information to your family or employer, he holds the leverage. Ask yourself honestly: if he did share it, would it truly be life-altering, or would it mainly cause embarrassment? If it’s the latter, remember that embarrassment fades—and when you no longer fear that outcome, you take away his power.

Family is perhaps Jude embarrassment but we don’t know if he’s married or something that could cause a real upset. And because hiring is illegal - presuming he’s in the US - it’s possible that his employer finding out could cost him his job. If he’s not in a union or working for a government agency, most private employers are “at will” and can fire someone without cause. 

[+ PhileasFogg]

2 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

Family is perhaps Jude embarrassment but we don’t know if he’s married or something that could cause a real upset. And because hiring is illegal - presuming he’s in the US - it’s possible that his employer finding out could cost him his job. If he’s not in a union or working for a government agency, most private employers are “at will” and can fire someone without cause. 

Hence my use of the words “ask yourself honestly - if he did share it, would it be truly life altering, or would it mainly cause embarrassment” 🤨

Based on you response, I’m guessing we agree that it’s more nuanced than binary. But I stand by every word I said, but only he can decide.  But if he chooses timidity, then the power dynamic never shifts 

ETA:  for many years, my employment contract included, among other things, a moral turpitude clause.  I’m highly confident that this would not meet that standard.  Simply put, unless he’s a minister, this probably doesn’t affect his capacity to perform.  I’d also note, having been divorced twice, that at least 1/3 of the states are true no-fault and the court wouldn’t be concerned with extra curricular activities.  So, again, only @Tiredsoulcan decide where he should land, but as his name implies, he’s exhausted and needs a break from the status quo.  
 

Sometimes if you can’t find your way out of the maze, you have to go in deeper to get out 

Edited Monday at 11:48 PM by PhileasFogg

[+ KensingtonHomo]

3 hours ago, PhileasFogg said:

my employment contract

Not to beat a dead horse, but you having a contract gives you more protections than an employee that’s “at will.” Without knowing more about this member’s situation it’s hard to say if he’s dealing with embarrassment or something more dangerous to his wellbeing. 

[+ PhileasFogg]

6 hours ago, KensingtonHomo said:

Not to beat a dead horse, but you having a contract gives you more protections than an employee that’s “at will.” Without knowing more about this member’s situation it’s hard to say if he’s dealing with embarrassment or something more dangerous to his wellbeing. 

Since we are beating an off topic dead horse, no, not true.  But if you’d like to discuss it more, please just PM me to keep this post on topic  

What I’d really like to know is how @Tiredsoul is feeling.   He’s had a range of feedback from us, he knows his situation (and fears) best, and knows what’s best for him.   My encouragement to him is to not let fear limit options since, if he does, the worst case scenario remains a possibility, if not now, then later.

Edited 15 hours ago by PhileasFogg