Ignored on Grindr By RM Providers

[Monarchy79]

1 hour ago, KensingtonHomo said:

 

Oddly, me and my husband are pursued by guys in their 20s all the time now. Those "A List" twinks. I guess the Daddy phase has its benefits. And we're both in good shape but not ripped or super muscular. Unfortunately, neither of us really find that type attractive. But we're still nice to them online or in person. 

.

Excellent point.

I’m glad you referenced the “Daddy”. As I believe that the emergence of that Daddy was the perfect antithesis to the ageism that plagues our community. 

However, when that shift occurred, tipping the scales of “top-tier” attractiveness, the same thing happened… many of those “hot daddies” became the same mean girls that they previously detested. 

It’s the cycle of social life…Whomever is on the top of the food chain is going to wreak havoc. It’s only when they age out of their throne that they’ll be humbled and change their way of thinking. 

-The young twink loses his youth and ages out.

-The Daddy become “grandpa”.

-The “body girl”, body DROPS

its all part of the cycle. 
 

 

 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

5 minutes ago, Monarchy79 said:

Please note that my posting stated “twink” or “body gurl” to cover both spectrums of the “physique scale”.

I also want to note that the term and definition of a twink dates back as far as at least the 1960s.

 

I guess if we're parsing words, I said that twinks became "A List" in the 2010s, following the "muscle boy" craze that came out of steroid use for PWAs in the mid-90s before the cocktail. So, yes, twinks were a thing, and they were on a spectrum from that to a muscle boy, but MOST gay men in the 1960s through the early '90s had a diversity of body types that we would mainly now consider "average." You can see that this was the "ideal" through all the porn and blue boy magazines going back to the 1950s. My theory is that the rise of "twinks" and "daddies" as alternate ideals in the late 2010s is a response to the 30 years of men feeling like they had to look like Chris Evans in the Avengers to get laid. And also everyone had the same body, which is boring. 

[+ KensingtonHomo]

3 minutes ago, Monarchy79 said:

It’s the cycle of social life…Whomever is on the top of the food chain is going to wreak havoc. It’s only when they age out of their throne that they’ll be humbled and change their way of thinking. 

I agree with your assessment. I object to it being naturalized as "the way it is" when it's really the result of historical circumstances and billions of dollars in marketing and advertising. We can choose to be kinder, gentler and better to each other. 

The cultural tide is turning against us and we need solidarity. It's hard to build community is we're treating each other like shit on hook up apps. 

[carp86]

On 1/11/2025 at 4:18 AM, Jamie21 said:

 

By the way, work engagements and non work engagements are two different and distinct things. Someone hires me, I’m looking to deliver what he wants (not what I want). It’s about him. If I hookup with someone on Grindr I’m looking to get my needs taken care of just as much as the other guy is. It works differently. Don’t conflate them.
 

Completely agree with this. When I go on Grindr is because I want the reciprocation and the desire to please someone else while I am being pleased too. When I go looking on RM is because I want a specific service tailored to my needs and desires. That is why $ is involved. 

The "not responding"/"ignoring" part of Grindr is cultural, in my experience. Here in North America people that are not interested just don't engage at all. In Europe, where I used to live (particularly France), people were more upfront: "sorry, not interested", "sorry, not my style", etc. I personally prefer being upfront, but I understand that can be perceived as rude by people not used to it. 

Also, as someone mentioned, if Grindr detects you are soliciting, they will ban your account. Don't do this. This is why we have other websites specifically for business. 

[Monarchy79]

6 minutes ago, KensingtonHomo said:

I guess if we're parsing words, I said that twinks became "A List" in the 2010s, following the "muscle boy" craze that came out of steroid use for PWAs in the mid-90s before the cocktail. So, yes, twinks were a thing, and they were on a spectrum from that to a muscle boy, but MOST gay men in the 1960s through the early '90s had a diversity of body types that we would mainly now consider "average." You can see that this was the "ideal" through all the porn and blue boy magazines going back to the 1950s. My theory is that the rise of "twinks" and "daddies" as alternate ideals in the late 2010s is a response to the 30 years of men feeling like they had to look like Chris Evans in the Avengers to get laid. And also everyone had the same body, which is boring. 

I’m in agreement with you. There is a “beauty” standard that changes throughout each decade or generation. 

[Monarchy79]

4 minutes ago, KensingtonHomo said:

I agree with your assessment. I object to it being naturalized as "the way it is" when it's really the result of historical circumstances and billions of dollars in marketing and advertising. We can choose to be kinder, gentler and better to each other. 

The cultural tide is turning against us and we need solidarity. It's hard to build community is we're treating each other like shit on hook up apps. 

I fully agree with you again. 

I just believe that apps bring out who people really are.

Because they are hiding behind a screen, they lose all aspects of “acting” that’s required to be executed in person. 
 

 

[+ Drew Collins]

12 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

Perfect description!!!

Every archetype (reflective of the underbelly of gay society )is at your gay bar:

-The sexual predator who’s slipping drugs in people’s drinks.

-The cockblocker

-The socially inept guy

-The stinky dude (breath & B.O.) 

-The STD spreader

-The obnoxious “hot mess”

Navigating through all of these clowns is just the first layer of digging your way through the bar before you even find someone halfway attractive enough to even approach. 
 

Then comes the nuances associated with being a good “pick up” artist. 😂
 

 

 

 

You have me longing for my 20's and 30's....especially the gay bars of 1995-2000 NYC!  🥳

 

[pubic_assistance]

12 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

Every archetype (reflective of the underbelly of gay society )is at your gay bar:

-The sexual predator who’s slipping drugs in people’s drinks.

-The cockblocker

-The socially inept guy

-The stinky dude (breath & B.O.) 

-The STD spreader

-The obnoxious “hot mess”

Navigating through all of these clowns is just the first layer

Sounds awful.

Guess I should feel thankful I've spent very little time hanging around gay bars over my many years of chasing dick.

[Michael PhD]

On 1/10/2025 at 8:18 PM, FaustOust said:

There were two guys advertising on RM in whom I was interested in hiring when I visited their cities, and I  thought I might reach out to them when I was definitively planning on being in their respective hometowns. Within a couple weeks, I saw the same guys on Grindr in my city and thought that I would chat them up. What a happy coincidence!  They both ignored me — which I understand is not uncommon, particularly as I fall into a few demographics that might not be popular on Grindr — even with a mention of RM.  One even said in his ad that he was seeking men older than he is, which I am. In each case, I had clear photos and know that they read the messages through the read receipts.

I find that I have put myself in the situation that I have unintentionally confirmed that these guys are not into me physically, as neither even felt the need to be polite enough to respond in that forum or turn me down politely.  

Should my fear of rejection and my non-interaction with them on Grindr be a sufficient reason not to contact them on RM?  

Even if they responded to an RM inquiry from me, I would still know what they really thought of me through their lack of response on Grindr, and I fear that would affect any hypothetical experience I would have with either of them.  In any other instance, I would not have had this confirmation, and I could at least have the potential of going along with the fantasy that the escort was into me somehow.  

I’ve not spent much time on Grindr, but seeing both of these providers on the app in my city has lead me to believe that escorts who advertise elsewhere may also often be on Grindr. Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire, who but for the Grindr experience, I probably would have been interested in.

This is frustrating to read. If they are professionals, they can compartmentalize their personal and professional life. You should reach out only if you can do the same. As stated already, you shouldn’t judge their behavior. I hope you are able to see after receiving feedback, that you created this internal struggle you’re dealing with and not them. If not, it’s probably worth exploring why not receiving feedback on a hook up site takes such a toll on you. 
 

Good luck man. 

Edited January 12 by Michael PhD

[d.anders]

2 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

the term and definition of a twink dates back as far as at least the 1960s

I don't remember that. I think the word "twink" rose significantly when porn went to the internet in the early 90's. It became a growing, dominant porn category, and studios began specializing in reaching out to those customers. Today, young, skinny guy porn is everywhere, with some studios only producing that.

1 hour ago, pubic_assistance said:

Guess I should feel thankful I've spent very little time hanging around gay bars over my many years of chasing dick.

Same here. Never liked alcohol much. Never liked the smell of a bar. Stripper clubs were fun. Those places smelled more of man sweat. Loved that.

[LookingAround]

"Some trace its first appearance to 1963, although it may be derived from an older British gay slang term twank, which means: "The quarry of a homosexual prostitute (male); a man willing and ready to become any dominant man's 'partner'".^[10]Oxford Dictionaries claims twink has origins in the 1970s."

 

Twink (gay slang) - Wikipedia

EN.M.WIKIPEDIA.ORG

 

[+ ApexNomad]

4 hours ago, Monarchy79 said:

I fully agree with you again. 

I just believe that apps bring out who people really are.

Because they are hiding behind a screen, they lose all aspects of “acting” that’s required to be executed in person. 
 

 

I agree with you. I think apps/hiding behind a screen do reveal aspects of who people truly are, especially when the accountability of in-person interaction is removed. In gay culture, this often exposes biases and insecurities, amplifying the focus on aesthetics and instant gratification.

While apps don’t create these behaviors, they magnify them. In my opinion, the challenge for us as a community is to use these spaces to foster connection and kindness rather than letting them perpetuate division or superficiality.

[TonyDown]

If Apps reveal who people really are, why are so many threads on Reddit and on here asking to interpret their interactions with on-line profiles?  Point is, Apps may not be a good way to reveal how people really are.  If you're blocked, doesn't that reveal more about you?

IMO, the best hope is for texts to be pleasant and respectful, staying focused and avoiding anything that could trigger to block you.   Isn't that part of professional, good manners?  

If one really wants to drill down into why a provider has a Grindr, or ask any other personal question, one might casually slide that into conversation when you meet, if you can do that without it sounding like unwanted monitoring by a stranger.

Full disclosure, I have never used Grindr but have a friend has Grinder experiences that sound like some of the guys are pretty sketchy.    So if you are blocked on Grindr, that profile has already lumped you into the "sketchy" sounding category.  Move on and try again.

 

[Monarchy79]

5 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

Sounds awful.

Guess I should feel thankful I've spent very little time hanging around gay bars over my many years of chasing dick.

It’s not awful. 

It’s just the nature of nightlife as time has progressed. 

You know the saying “nothing good happens after midnight?” 

Well there you have it. 

The key is to enjoy yourself in that younger club phase and build memories with great friends (while avoiding these little pitfalls).

NOTE: These archetypes are even worse in straight nightclubs. 

 

[pubic_assistance]

12 minutes ago, Monarchy79 said:

NOTE: These archetypes are even worse in straight nightclubs. 

 

You've been inside a straight nightclub?

How did you survive ?

😅🤣😂

Edited January 12 by pubic_assistance
spelling

[Oakman]

2 hours ago, ApexNomad said:

In my opinion, the challenge for us as a community is to use these spaces to foster connection and kindness rather than letting them perpetuate division or superficiality.

I remember having conversations with my therapist about this sort of thing years ago. I used to feel a sense of moral obligation to have nice conversations with men I wasn’t interested in, because I felt obligated to be kind and to consider how it might feel for others to feel rejected. I had a big heart, and I would spend all kinds of time stuck in reluctant pen-pal situations with guys who were always trying to prod me toward sex and their own gratification or validation. 
These days, I prioritize my own needs in those spaces. Grindr and all of the other apps are not spaces for community engagement. They exist for personal pleasure.

[+ ApexNomad]

9 minutes ago, Oakman said:

I remember having conversations with my therapist about this sort of thing years ago. I used to feel a sense of moral obligation to have nice conversations with men I wasn’t interested in, because I felt obligated to be kind and to consider how it might feel for others to feel rejected. I had a big heart, and I would spend all kinds of time stuck in reluctant pen-pal situations with guys who were always trying to prod me toward sex and their own gratification or validation. 
These days, I prioritize my own needs in those spaces. Grindr and all of the other apps are not spaces for community engagement. They exist for personal pleasure.

You should absolutely prioritize your own needs. But I think kindness and avoiding time-consuming pen-pal situations aren’t mutually exclusive.

One can be respectful and considerate without feeling obligated to engage in conversations that don’t align with one’s personal needs or boundaries. Both actions can coexist without having to sacrifice one for the other.

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, ApexNomad said:

One can be respectful and considerate without feeling obligated to engage in conversations that don’t align with one’s personal needs or boundaries. Both actions can coexist without having to sacrifice one for the other.

When I first decided to explore gay bars many years ago, my ethical background told me to be kind to everyone. This got me in more trouble than I can explain in 20 pages. Never be nice to gay men who think they can bed you, if you're not interested. Washing the smell of skunk off you is easier than removing an old queen who thought he hit the jackpot.

[FaustOust]

2 hours ago, Oakman said:

I remember having conversations with my therapist about this sort of thing years ago. I used to feel a sense of moral obligation to have nice conversations with men I wasn’t interested in, because I felt obligated to be kind and to consider how it might feel for others to feel rejected. I had a big heart

So how did you become wicked, Elphaba?

[Oakman]

27 minutes ago, FaustOust said:

So how did you become wicked, Elphaba?

One of the things I dealt with in therapy was a crippling need to be validated by men I was envious of. In the words of St. Whitney Houston, “learning to love yourself is the greatest love of all.” I hope you find that. You don’t need sympathy from this crowd (which you often solicit), and you don’t need approval from hot men (which you often talk about). Hot men are just as miserable as everyone else. Learn to love yourself. Consider psychotherapy. 

[FaustOust]

1 hour ago, Oakman said:

You don’t need sympathy from this crowd (which you often solicit), and you don’t need approval from hot men (which you often talk about).

I don’t think that loving yourself and caring how your words (see above) may make others feel are mutually exclusive.  I hope that was not the lesson you learned from psychotherapy.

[Brocklmt]

On 1/10/2025 at 9:18 PM, FaustOust said:

Is my lesson that if I see a known provider on Grindr I should say nothing so as to spare myself being ignored and eliminating a potential hire

If we mention our services on apps like grindr. We run the risk of being kicked off the apps. " We wanna know who's around us Providers get horny also". At the same time i've lost   CLIENTS because they think they can hookup for fun and get a massage without paying for the service. Or i've met them at a party and we had fun. Then they message me expecting services without paying just because we hooked up at a party once.  we still have our social lives outside of work,  but our work is also pleasing others.  So it can get frustrating most of the time i find the guys really attractive. But it doesn't mean i'm going to work for free. 

[Guest]

A very close friend of mine in NYC is a prominent gay porn star. Every time he logs onto Grindr, he gets no less than 30 messages within 15 minutes. 

When I log onto Grindr, I’m lucky to get 10 messages the entire weekend. He will never respond to every message he gets, it’s overwhelming for him and he knows what he’s looking for. His life choices have made him more physically desirable in a thumb nail. He’s earned his body and the right to not answer every message. 

I used to think it was rude but it isn’t. It’s also no reflection on the person being ignored. With my friend, that isn’t what he’s looking for in that moment. Sometimes, he’ll get caught up with a guy planning a hook up he doesn’t even view the other 29 people that messaged him, and they’re hot. 

When I go back to my home town in the suburbs, a sure fire sign that a hot guy profile is a catfish is if they initiate a conversation and want to talk about nonsense. My experience is that it is a lonely gay longing for connection. 

[Monarchy79]

14 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

You've been inside a straight nightclub?

How did you survive ?

😅🤣😂

I actually got more attention. Women were very flirtatious, and men would do very questionable things under the influence of alcohol….etc. 
My clubbing days (the late 90/s-early 2000s) was the last era of the big nightclub in most cities. They were fun. 

I did it all: Raves, Goth, House, Urban, Gay, Straight, and even the multi-cultural clubs. 
 

 

 

[+ DrownedBoy]

20 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

When I first decided to explore gay bars many years ago, my ethical background told me to be kind to everyone. This got me in more trouble than I can explain in 20 pages. Never be nice to gay men who think they can bed you, if you're not interested. Washing the smell of skunk off you is easier than removing an old queen who thought he hit the jackpot.

I think that's where the nastiness starts in bars. When I was a young "twink," I also acted nice at first, but found that attracted the wrong people.

When I look back at, say, my late teens and early twenties, that was the rule. I recall a somewhat quiet, chubby gay classmate who was really nice and came out of the closet. A few months later, and he was this rude rave-goer who acted like he was a lot sexier and important than he really was. I came this close to telling him, "I liked you better when you were shy and insecure."