Findom

[soloyo215]

On 12/28/2024 at 8:07 AM, musclelicker said:

Not sure if this topic belongs here or in another section, but I recently learned about Findom.  Have any of you heard about it?  What all can you tell me about Findom?

I've heard of it, never cared for it, and people who like to be on the receiving end of it should use their financial resources to get therapy.

[ICTJOCK]

I think this runs contrary to every fiber in my being... based on education,  career and common sense.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

2 hours ago, SirBillybob said:

But new backup maintenance fan belts for the Porsche and Maserati collection, now we’re talking. 

Now we're getting somewhere  

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

1 hour ago, soloyo215 said:

I've heard of it, never cared for it, and people who like to be on the receiving end of it should use their financial resources to get therapy.

Way to judge others 👍

[SirBillybob]

2 hours ago, soloyo215 said:

I've heard of it, never cared for it, and people who like to be on the receiving end of it should use their financial resources to get therapy.

Unfortunately, the financial ruin for some, having agreed to be rinsed of cash, etc, depletes the resources needed to mitigate the consequences of what for a number of subs is a debilitating compulsion. That it seems to be a version of consensual masochism doesn’t rinse the phenomenon to a clean bill of mental health. Surely there can be some things in life requested and accommodated that cast the soliciting, the granting, or both in a negative light within a ‘do no harm to self or others’ framework. 

The dom is better equipped to decide what kind of [race track, dealer (or insert comparator)] to be. They are dom because they are one up in a dynamic in which psychological pathology may be at the root of the exchange. I would never go as far as to ascribe characterological dominance to the dom despite the posturing because transactions totally rest on subs’ existence. To the degree that there is unidirectional exploitive potential the quality of the personhood of somebody offering dom services is eroded.  

Edited December 29, 2024 by SirBillybob

[pubic_assistance]

3 hours ago, soloyo215 said:

I've heard of it, never cared for it, and people who like to be on the receiving end of it should use their financial resources to get therapy.

Ok..although I agree it's rather an extreme and often risky fetish, I don't think it's always something that requires psychoanalysis. Same as with hanging around gambling Casinos. That also seems to be a real waste of resources, but lots of people enjoy it. In general..fetishes are niche interests and that means niche providers.

I run into this all the time when I ask people who've ticked off all the boxes about their BDSM interests and they don't even know what that is.

[Seymour Butts]

There are guys out there who crave control, be it through bondage, chastity, what have you. Control of someone's finances is another way of controlling someone that fits under this category.

HOWEVER.

When you've got someone under your physical control, care must be taken not to damage the sub (unless that's what's been very thoroughly discussed beforehand). Same care needs to be taken with financial control.

I have a buddy who has a sub that wanted a Dom to take financial control. He got the sub's bank account information and started taking some hefty withdrawals. Months later, the sub found out that the Dom was taking the withdrawals from his account and putting them into smart investments in the sub's name. That's a good and responsible form of findom: the sub gets the mindfuck of no control when actually he'll likely be better off in the long run.

I feel like a lot of people latched onto what used to be (and perhaps should have remained) a niche fetish, saw easy money, and ran full steam ahead. To me, it seems roughly equivalent to a sub telling a Dom he wants chastity, so the Dom chops his business off. Yes, the result is effective, but in the process the sub lost something irreplaceable for fairly little gain.

[Walt]

10 hours ago, ICTJOCK said:

I think this runs contrary to every fiber in my being... based on education,  career and common sense.

So you think fetishes are based on education, career, and common sense?  😉

[ICTJOCK]

No dude,  irresponsible financial behavior like this isn't a "fetish" in my book,   its just ill advised  and contrary to ones financial health long term.   Enough said.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

2 hours ago, ICTJOCK said:

No dude,  irresponsible financial behavior like this isn't a "fetish" in my book,   its just ill advised  and contrary to ones financial health long term.   Enough said.

You clearly have no clue how this works.  It's all smoke and mirrors (if it's being done correctly).

You give the alpha a burner cc with only so much limit on it.  You don't open the full coffers to a perfect stranger.

Any good sub knows that- way in the back of their mind- they actually have all the control in the situaiton.

A good/smart/talented alpha convinces them otherwise, even if temporary.  It's a show.

 

Are there awful people out there who do awful things?  Yep.  

Is the findom scene a healthy and safe way to scratch an itch if done properly?  Yep.

It's possible for two things to be true at the same time.

 

 

[Simon Suraci]

5 minutes ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

You clearly have no clue how this works.  It's all smoke and mirrors (if it's being done correctly).

^Agree. There are many ways to approach FinDom, from the alpha side and the sub side. Both can set parameters and boundaries around what they will and won’t do, limits to their spending, using a certain card or payment method, etc. It takes healthy communication up front before engaging in FinDom scenarios.

You can scale up over time after developing trust and understanding with a series of lower stakes interactions. Either side can behave recklessly, and the potential for exploitation is real. Clients choose to engage in FinDom and they are in complete control up front. FinDom clients are not victims.

It’s all an illusion, an act. For a successful series of interactions, the sub must suspend his disbelief. Doing so for a skilled dom generates real feelings which scratch his itch. You won’t understand it fully unless you have that particular itch. Most people will never have it, and that’s ok. That doesn’t make those that do have the itch any less valid for having it or scratching it.

Clients and providers, including @ICTJOCK please stop judging other people’s kinks and fetishes you don’t understand. There are safer, more responsible ways to indulge clients into this particular kink. It’s not for everyone, and that’s ok. Not every provider will be good at, or interested in providing this service. That is also ok.

Live and let live.

[+ keroscenefire]

38 minutes ago, Simon Suraci said:

Clients and providers, including @ICTJOCK please stop judging other people’s kinks and fetishes you don’t understand. There are safer, more responsible ways to indulge clients into this particular kink. It’s not for everyone, and that’s ok. Not every provider will be good at, or interested in providing this service. That is also ok.

Live and let live.

But I do think many of us are bringing up the reality than when FinDom is usually mentioned on an Escort's profile or brought up in a message, they are not doing it responsibly. It's not "smoke and mirrors." In many cases, it's one person really taking advantage of another person who can lose quite a lot in the process.

I agree that it can be done responsibly and I applaud you and Benjamin for clearly understanding what it is and being responsible with it. Both Dom and Sub really need to have a clear communication and consent of what is happening.

When I get a message from an escort, "Are you into FinDom?" It's not that...90% of the time. 

[SirBillybob]

I think that in true Coffindom the buyer truly pays the 5 bucks to the Starbucks barista and gets underhandedly yet with fundamental awareness decaffeinated while craving caffeine, all along accepting the gouging with equanimity, emotionally reconciled as it satisfies a niche need that transcends the coffee fix and the cash value, possibly even leaving a tip and 5 stars.

If it’s implicit (nudge /wink) but not openly negotiated that the buyer receives $4.75 in change along with a healthy cup of water while the mental fantasy of being fleeced, of being restricted to what the barista decides to provide, is accommodated it’s a simulation and not Coffindom. Dunkin’ may be nearby.

I assume paypigs in either example mingle with contexts of more conventional transaction.

Same distinction between true sexualized financial domination where the roles are literal and the dominatrix accommodates his desire for profit along with the client’s subjugation and ultimate taxation that the client requests versus faxing it in where the roles are findomplayed with the notion of beneficence underlying it. In the former the client seeks expense reality and attendant fantasy, not just the make-believe variety of rinsing. One or the other, possibly both scenarios for any one client, may fit their arousal template.  

Therefore, employing the one term as one size fits all is limiting and it’s tempting to conflate the sub role with mental illness and dom role with unethical opportunism when there are naturally version variants. That, and there is the idea of subjective appraisal and personal autonomy as far as what it means to be left in better or no worse shape at the end of the day, including the balance sheet.

Edited December 30, 2024 by SirBillybob

[ICTJOCK]

7 hours ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

You clearly have no clue how this works.  It's all smoke and mirrors (if it's being done correctly).

You give the alpha a burner cc with only so much limit on it.  You don't open the full coffers to a perfect stranger.

Any good sub knows that- way in the back of their mind- they actually have all the control in the situaiton.

A good/smart/talented alpha convinces them otherwise, even if temporary.  It's a show.

 

Are there awful people out there who do awful things?  Yep.  

Is the findom scene a healthy and safe way to scratch an itch if done properly?  Yep.

It's possible for two things to be true at the same time.

 

 

Dude,  you clearly have no clue as to basic financial,   investment or estate planning.     I live in the world of  the serious when it comes to these topics and I'm not interested in any kind of "fetish"  that puts ones economics in jeopardy or at risk.   If you have a different point of view,  you are entitled to it.    I come from a different place.

[ICTJOCK]

7 hours ago, Simon Suraci said:

 

Clients and providers, including @ICTJOCK please stop judging other people’s kinks and fetishes you don’t understand. There are safer, more responsible ways to indulge clients into this particular kink. It’s not for everyone, and that’s ok. Not every provider will be good at, or interested in providing this service. That is also ok.

Live and let live.

I'll express my opinion on any topic I wish as you may.   As I said above,  I come from a different place  and it quite differently.

[SirBillybob]

On 12/28/2024 at 8:07 AM, musclelicker said:

Not sure if this topic belongs here or in another section, but I recently learned about Findom.  Have any of you heard about it?  What all can you tell me about Findom?

It’s a portmanteau that was likely intended to mean one thing but doesn’t.

Edited December 30, 2024 by SirBillybob

[Vin Marco]

1 hour ago, ICTJOCK said:

Dude,  you clearly have no clue as to basic financial,   investment or estate planning.     I live in the world of  the serious when it comes to these topics and I'm not interested in any kind of "fetish"  that puts ones economics in jeopardy or at risk.   If you have a different point of view,  you are entitled to it.    I come from a different place.

No one is questioning your financial or legal acumen or where you come from.... a place  that you describe as a quite different place ( perhaps to the manor born; it doesn't matter and I really don't care ) I just think that there are even better ways to say that something just isn't for you. Just because something isn't for me doesn't mean it's wrong or a maladjusted behavior.  Different "strokes" for different folks. 

[+ ThroatCummer]

I'm going to chime in here with my experience briefly to add to the discussion. Personally, I was never into it and didn't know about it. My partner is an escort by the way. He doesn't do it or advertise it. 

However, I have a long time friend who contacted me recently and asked for help and told me he needed to sit and talk to me. He said "I have to tell you something" and I thought he was going to tell me he was dying of cancer or something. Like my heart dropped. 

Apparently, he was going broke and spending all his money as a Findom sub for this one guy. My friend is successful, owns his own house, and has (well, had, past tense now) savings. 

He found a guy on X/Twitter and the guy was doing whatever they do and my buddy was sending him more and more and more money. He couldn't control it and it's like an actual addiction like to alcohol or drugs. It's brain chemistry we are talking about here. 

I have spent months with my friend trying to help him ween off this whole thing. It really was sad to see and I honestly don't have the tools in my toolbox to help in these situations because I don't understand the appeal, just like I don't understand other types of addictions except my own, lol.  It's like losing a friend to meth addiction really. 

Now I look on X and see all these 20 year old "kids" listing it as an easy way to make money because they're hot and I imagine the conversation from one of these kids to their friends goes: "Hey you know faqqots will send you money if you demand it and post hot pics of yourself? Bro... go do it!" and it kind of makes me a little fucking sick. 

Now whenever I see the term I want to vomit. 

What I would ask from the professional providers who engage in this space is to make sure your client have the means and aren't in the poor house.  A guy with $5M in assets throwing $5k into this is fine if it gets him off... that is okay. But please be the good providers I know you all to be like @BenjaminNicholas @Vin Marco and @Simon Suraci Those kids doing this are horrible. 

Edited December 30, 2024 by ThroatCummer

[Vin Marco]

47 minutes ago, ThroatCummer said:

I'm going to chime in here with my experience briefly to add to the discussion. Personally, I was never into it and didn't know about it. My partner is an escort by the way. He doesn't do it or advertise it. 

However, I have a long time friend who contacted me recently and asked for help and told me he needed to sit and talk to me. He said "I have to tell you something" and I thought he was going to tell me he was dying of cancer or something. Like my heart dropped. 

Apparently, he was going broke and spending all his money as a Findom sub for this one guy. My friend is successful, owns his own house, and has (well, had, past tense now) savings. 

He found a guy on X/Twitter and the guy was doing whatever they do and my buddy was sending him more and more and more money. He couldn't control it and it's like an actual addiction like to alcohol or drugs. It's brain chemistry we are talking about here. 

I have spent months with my friend trying to help him ween off this whole thing. It really was sad to see and I honestly don't have the tools in my toolbox to help in these situations because I don't understand the appeal, just like I don't understand other types of addictions except my own, lol.  It's like losing a friend to meth addiction really. 

Now I look on X and see all these 20 year old "kids" listing it as an easy way to make money because they're hot and I imagine the conversation from one of these kids to their friends goes: "Hey you know faqqots will send you money if you demand it and post hot pics of yourself? Bro... go do it!" and it kind of makes me a little fucking sick. 

Now whenever I see the term I want to vomit. 

What I would ask from the professional providers who engage in this space is to make sure your client have the means and aren't in the poor house.  A guy with $5M in assets throwing $5k into this is fine if it gets him off... that is okay. But please be the good providers I know you all to be like @BenjaminNicholas @Vin Marco and @Simon Suraci Those kids doing this are horrible. 

I feel for anyone who's engaged in anything that's caused their  life to become unmanageable. Almost everything can be abused. To those who offer this kink or for those who engage in it responsibly,  where both parties are getting what they want without causing life to become unmanageable, I'm indifferent to it. I'm not for or against it under those circumstances. It's nothing I've ever engaged in, the very few times I've been asked if I'm into it I've always said what I say when something doesn't hold my interest, "it's not for me" 

Edited December 30, 2024 by Vin Marco

[Simon Suraci]

@ThroatCummer thanks for sharing. FinDom is controversial and it seems everyone has strong opinions about it, most of them on the negative/fear/sad side. Like the news, we tend to hear mostly about the horror stories, and not about the successful fun experiences people have engaging their FinSub kink. Why? Because it’s private. Subs sometimes enjoy a form of humiliation but it’s all controlled and on their own terms. Nobody wants to be publicly scrutinized, mocked, shamed, belittled or blamed for hiring a FinDom. That’s one reason why you won’t hear about the many positive experiences they have.

I want to acknowledge that the inexperienced 20 somethings on twitter (and others) are indeed out there preying on men with a sub side. That’s a thing, and it’s unfortunate. They are not doing this responsibly, skillfully, or for the right reasons. They should not be initiating a FinDom relationship with potential clients. It’s unprofessional and exploitative.

I also want to acknowledge that clients have full control over their own choices. They are not forced or coerced to engage. They can say no, walk away, block, etc. Very few people have this kink and those that do know where and how to seek out providers. Some of them have more addictive tendencies which will come out in one way or another. This is just one way. They need to seek help and treatment. Anything interfering with your life, relationships, ability to work, pay your bills, and function in the world is a problem. That goes for alcohol, substances, gambling, and any other addictive behavior, including sex.

One of my forum member clients has a sex addiction and he sought out counseling and treatment. It wasn’t draining him financially, as he had plenty of resources, but it was interfering with his life, work, and relationships. He spent an unhealthy amount of time researching, contacting, and hiring providers. It became an obsession. Fortunately he got help. He still hires, but with many more healthy boundaries and limits. For some, it’s best to stop all together. For him, he found a way to engage in a balanced, controlled fashion.

[+ ThroatCummer]

Well said by you both, thank you. Agreed all around. Lord knows we all have our own kinks and things we are addicted to and get us off (even non-sexually).  I can't stop looking on eBay for car parts for example. LOL. 

As a follow-up, I asked my friend to text me every time he got this urge. It's almost like being a sponsor to someone in AA.  I told him I would take all his money and assets and put him on a forced budget if he didn't text me (we have been very good friends for 20 years so it's that type of relationship where we can demand that of the other person).  He's been doing that and carefully spending just a little here and there to satisfy the craving when needed. I guess that is "getting help" even though it is not through a professional. 

You guys are awesome and this is a good healthy discussion. It's why we all keep coming back here. 

[Vin Marco]

1 minute ago, ThroatCummer said:

Well said by you both, thank you. Agreed all around. Lord knows we all have our own kinks and things we are addicted to and get us off (even non-sexually).  I can't stop looking on eBay for car parts for example. LOL. 

As a follow-up, I asked my friend to text me every time he got this urge. It's almost like being a sponsor to someone in AA.  I told him I would take all his money and assets and put him on a forced budget if he didn't text me (we have been very good friends for 20 years so it's that type of relationship where we can demand that of the other person).  He's been doing that and carefully spending just a little here and there to satisfy the craving when needed. I guess that is "getting help" even though it is not through a professional. 

You guys are awesome and this is a good healthy discussion. It's why we all keep coming back here. 

You're a good guy....  🫂 

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

19 minutes ago, Simon Suraci said:

I also want to acknowledge that clients have full control over their own choices. They are not forced or coerced to engage. They can say no, walk away, block, etc.

Say this louder for those in the back who can't hear it.

Adults need to act like adults: No one is here to save you from yourself.

If you don't think you can swim in the deep end of the pool, don't cannonball into it.

[ReynST]

Providers aren't making a ton of money being FinDoms. But they might get a nice belt out of it.

From the cases I've seen, generally, the idea is to punish bad behaviors and habits, with the end goal of the Sub becoming sober of that habit. The Dom is given financial reins to inflict punishment for engaging in bad habit, in the form of (perceived) money loss on something frivolous.

You can also liken it to having a strict physical trainer, where a punishment may be inflicted for not living up to an expectation.

Rewards may be given as well and are nonsexual. Photos a date or general praise.

I'll point out, that many people interested in this situation typically want constant and active engagement with their provider or Dom. They want to be able to talk about their highs and lows, failures and shortcomings and receive feedback. It can become a very involved relationship, though usually primarily over text.

The interesting thing about this fetish is that the people who are most terrified about it benefit the most.

[+ ThroatCummer]

35 minutes ago, BenjaminNicholas said:

Say this louder for those in the back who can't hear it.

Adults need to act like adults: No one is here to save you from yourself.

If you don't think you can swim in the deep end of the pool, don't cannonball into it.

Agreed. 

But also sometimes people need help and guidance. We all make bad choices and sometimes we we can't help ourselves. Having people in your life who can help you navigate and also be there to pick up the pieces when it all falls apart are what is needed most. Sadly not everyone has that.  We are all human and I would like to think what sets the real professional escorts apart from everyone else is the ability to see that and help a fellow human being. 

Put another way, if I were the provider and I had a client who was a moneymaker for me, but I saw that it was overall unhealthy or destructive to their lives over the course of several meetings, I might start to take the role of therapist for my time rather than engage in their fantasies and back away if that isn't helpful. That's just me.