A cautionary tale

[Rick M]

I hesitate to post this in case the subject recognizes me and takes umbrage, but to him I reiterate I do not hold him responsible, and in fact, I still trust him.

A while back I engaged a provider several times. We seemed to get along well, and when he revealed he was in financial difficulty, I offered to bail him out of debt. I drew up some papers to formalize the transaction, and went to the bank with him to oversee a transfer of funds. I will not cite the exact amount, but it was a considerable sum. There is no hard due date on repayment.

He left town the week after, and I asked him to stay in touch. This is the disturbing part: whether he is embarrassed to acknowledge his reliance on my generosity, or if he is simply scamming me (though I know his debt was real and he needed help), he has refused to reply to any message I send him. I don't want to exert pressure on him, but I do have an ongoing interest in his well-being, and wish to support him emotionally if he would allow it.

I now attempt to write him twice a year. Each time I reaffirm that I am not looking for reimbursement. I hope some day he takes my earnestness to heart and writes back even it's to say "I'm doing okay."

[+ WstVlgChris]

I'm sorry to hear you had this experience.  I had a somewhat similar experience with an escort 3 years ago. He engaged my professional services, I did the work and invoiced him. I waited patiently for payment, although my (larger, more corporate) clients usually pay within 3-6 weeks.  When I contacted him after about 3 months, he wrote back, saying (a) that I'd done a wonderful job; and (b) that he was having financial difficulties. I suggested an installment plan, whereupon he made a very modest first payment (10% of the total), promising more to come regularly.  Then he sort of ghosted me: it's been more than 2 1/2 years and I haven't gotten another dollar. He still is in my city, per his RentMen ad, which is active. My sense is that, like your guy perhaps, he's too embarrassed. 

[marylander1940]

19 minutes ago, Rick M said:

I hesitate to post this in case the subject recognizes me and takes umbrage, but to him I reiterate I do not hold him responsible, and in fact, I still trust him.

A while back I engaged a provider several times. We seemed to get along well, and when he revealed he was in financial difficulty, I offered to bail him out of debt. I drew up some papers to formalize the transaction, and went to the bank with him to oversee a transfer of funds. I will not cite the exact amount, but it was a considerable sum. There is no hard due date on repayment.

He left town the week after, and I asked him to stay in touch. This is the disturbing part: whether he is embarrassed to acknowledge his reliance on my generosity, or if he is simply scamming me (though I know his debt was real and he needed help), he has refused to reply to any message I send him. I don't want to exert pressure on him, but I do have an ongoing interest in his well-being, and wish to support him emotionally if he would allow it.

I now attempt to write him twice a year. Each time I reaffirm that I am not looking for reimbursement. I hope some day he takes my earnestness to heart and writes back even it's to say "I'm doing okay."

sorry to hear that! You got scammed! 

When it comes to escorts is "pay as you go", he needed money... hire him several times a week or for overnights and pay him after the deed is done, never before. 

Are you considering getting a lawyer? 

[marylander1940]

1 minute ago, WstVlgChris said:

I'm sorry to hear you had this experience.  I had a somewhat similar experience with an escort 3 years ago. He engaged my professional services, I did the work and invoiced him. I waited patiently for payment, although my (larger, more corporate) clients usually pay within 3-6 weeks.  When I contacted him after about 3 months, he wrote back, saying (a) that I'd done a wonderful job; and (b) that he was having financial difficulties. I suggested an installment plan, whereupon he made a very modest first payment (10% of the total), promising more to come regularly.  Then he sort of ghosted me: it's been more than 2 1/2 years and I haven't gotten another dollar. He still is in my city, per his RentMen ad, which is active. My sense is that, like your guy perhaps, he's too embarrassed. 

Sorry to hear that! 

I would have make him pay for your services without him spending a penny.

 

[+ MysticMenace]

35 minutes ago, Rick M said:

I hesitate to post this in case the subject recognizes me and takes umbrage, but to him I reiterate I do not hold him responsible, and in fact, I still trust him.

A while back I engaged a provider several times. We seemed to get along well, and when he revealed he was in financial difficulty, I offered to bail him out of debt. I drew up some papers to formalize the transaction, and went to the bank with him to oversee a transfer of funds. I will not cite the exact amount, but it was a considerable sum. There is no hard due date on repayment.

He left town the week after, and I asked him to stay in touch. This is the disturbing part: whether he is embarrassed to acknowledge his reliance on my generosity, or if he is simply scamming me (though I know his debt was real and he needed help), he has refused to reply to any message I send him. I don't want to exert pressure on him, but I do have an ongoing interest in his well-being, and wish to support him emotionally if he would allow it.

I now attempt to write him twice a year. Each time I reaffirm that I am not looking for reimbursement. I hope some day he takes my earnestness to heart and writes back even it's to say "I'm doing okay."

Thanks for sharing that, @Rick M. Perhaps another view here is that you may still trust him and have reaffirmed in your communications that you are not looking for reimbursement; however, I wonder if the trust is equally reciprocated, especially if the initial discussion about the transaction was based on "repayment" - even though there was no set due date for it. I also wonder if the transaction was contextualized instead as a "gift," whether he would have been more likely to respond to you. 

 

[+ Coolwave35]

You got scammed dude, it happens to the best of us. Move on and don’t make the same mistake again. Sorry he got one over on you. It sucks. 

[+ FrankR]

17 hours ago, Rick M said:

I hesitate to post this in case the subject recognizes me and takes umbrage, but to him I reiterate I do not hold him responsible, and in fact, I still trust him.

A while back I engaged a provider several times. We seemed to get along well, and when he revealed he was in financial difficulty, I offered to bail him out of debt. I drew up some papers to formalize the transaction, and went to the bank with him to oversee a transfer of funds. I will not cite the exact amount, but it was a considerable sum. There is no hard due date on repayment.

He left town the week after, and I asked him to stay in touch. This is the disturbing part: whether he is embarrassed to acknowledge his reliance on my generosity, or if he is simply scamming me (though I know his debt was real and he needed help), he has refused to reply to any message I send him. I don't want to exert pressure on him, but I do have an ongoing interest in his well-being, and wish to support him emotionally if he would allow it.

I now attempt to write him twice a year. Each time I reaffirm that I am not looking for reimbursement. I hope some day he takes my earnestness to heart and writes back even it's to say "I'm doing okay."

I am sorry this happened to you. Not to be harsh, but it would not surprise me if you arent the only one. Have see this happen many times - some men are more subtle than others, but it all leads to the same place. In my case he told me he was having financial difficulty and would have to move back west to stay with his parents and how much will we miss our time together? I didnt bite. By a miracle he is still in town and still available - I see him often. Less subtle are some of the moneyboys I met in Thailand, they still text me asking for money a year later and promise to pay back every baht. 

[CuriousByNature]

19 hours ago, Rick M said:

I hesitate to post this in case the subject recognizes me and takes umbrage, but to him I reiterate I do not hold him responsible, and in fact, I still trust him.

A while back I engaged a provider several times. We seemed to get along well, and when he revealed he was in financial difficulty, I offered to bail him out of debt. I drew up some papers to formalize the transaction, and went to the bank with him to oversee a transfer of funds. I will not cite the exact amount, but it was a considerable sum. There is no hard due date on repayment.

He left town the week after, and I asked him to stay in touch. This is the disturbing part: whether he is embarrassed to acknowledge his reliance on my generosity, or if he is simply scamming me (though I know his debt was real and he needed help), he has refused to reply to any message I send him. I don't want to exert pressure on him, but I do have an ongoing interest in his well-being, and wish to support him emotionally if he would allow it.

I now attempt to write him twice a year. Each time I reaffirm that I am not looking for reimbursement. I hope some day he takes my earnestness to heart and writes back even it's to say "I'm doing okay."

I think that is a very kind and generous thing you did for him, and I hope it hasn't put any financial strain on yourself.  It sounds like this was set up as a proper loan without strict conditions, so I doubt he thinks of it as a gift.  Even if he is embarrassed he should at least let you know that he is doing alright - though depending on how he got into debt, it is also possible he is back in debt again and would not want you to know.  My only advice, for what it is worth, is not to mention the debt at all when you reach out to him - even though you are just reaffirming that you aren't looking for reimbursement.  Mentioning the debt might be a trigger in some way, so perhaps consider just reaching out very lightheartedly.  Maybe that could set him at ease and make it more comfortable for him to respond?

[newdad]

19 hours ago, Rick M said:

I hesitate to post this in case the subject recognizes me and takes umbrage, but to him I reiterate I do not hold him responsible, and in fact, I still trust him.

A while back I engaged a provider several times. We seemed to get along well, and when he revealed he was in financial difficulty, I offered to bail him out of debt. I drew up some papers to formalize the transaction, and went to the bank with him to oversee a transfer of funds. I will not cite the exact amount, but it was a considerable sum. There is no hard due date on repayment.

He left town the week after, and I asked him to stay in touch. This is the disturbing part: whether he is embarrassed to acknowledge his reliance on my generosity, or if he is simply scamming me (though I know his debt was real and he needed help), he has refused to reply to any message I send him. I don't want to exert pressure on him, but I do have an ongoing interest in his well-being, and wish to support him emotionally if he would allow it.

I now attempt to write him twice a year. Each time I reaffirm that I am not looking for reimbursement. I hope some day he takes my earnestness to heart and writes back even it's to say "I'm doing okay."

Like others have said, you've been scammed. This is more typical in the hetero world. One of my former friends started seeing a female stripper more often and they formed some rapport—am sure sex got exchanged at one point. One day, she opened the topic of financial difficulty. The rest pretty much ended up the same way in your story.

This is more common in the hetero-world because of the inherent "damsel in distress" and here's the "knight in shining armor" to save her day. In the LGBTQ world, similar can be said, but we fail to recognize it because we rarely hear such stories about a guy being the "damsel in distress" who's faking it just to steal from the knight.

Edited May 1 by newdad

[Rod Hagen]

I have relied on the kindness of client-friends many times.  Without my closest client//friends I'd probably be homeless, or have had to resort to a real job (shudder!).  And yes, it could make me feel like a worthless whore to have to ask for help.  At the very least I feel a BIT disappointed in myself.  But Jesus Christ no matter how awkward I feel I continue to thank them, years later.  I'd never ghost someone who helped me just because I feel embarrassed.  Who would.   Someone who isn't doing well. Sucks dude, nice of you to help him.  VERY nice of you to still be concerned.

[BuffaloKyle]

The best advice I have heard on lending money is only lend an amount of money you would not be upset to never get back. It's crazy how many people lend money and put themselves into debt to do it or financial difficulty. Obviously that wasn't you @Rick M but just my input.

[Rudynate]

I have made small loans to friends and family.  I always insisted that they sign a note - and I always got repaid.   Once, my mother asked for a largish loan - to pay tuition for my brother and sister in private schools.  Since their state had perfectly good public schools - I told her "no," hard thing to do, but I knew I would never get repaid.

Edited May 1 by Rudynate
typo

[marylander1940]

1 hour ago, Rod Hagen said:

I have relied on the kindness of client-friends many times.  Without my closest client//friends I'd probably be homeless, or have had to resort to a real job (shudder!).  And yes, it could make me feel like a worthless whore to have to ask for help.  At the very least I feel a BIT disappointed in myself.  But Jesus Christ no matter how awkward I feel I continue to thank them, years later.  I'd never ghost someone who helped me just because I feel embarrassed.  Who would.   Someone who isn't doing well. Sucks dude, nice of you to help him.  VERY nice of you to still be concerned.

Thank you for your honest post!

We're glad to know you kept your word and remain grateful to those who helped you.

I do disagree with you that "ghosting" in this cases doesn't happen out of embarrassment but is part of the plan. Sad but true!

One more time, thank you for being such an honest poster! 

[Rick M]

22 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

sorry to hear that! You got scammed! 

When it comes to escorts is "pay as you go", he needed money... hire him several times a week or for overnights and pay him after the deed is done, never before. 

Are you considering getting a lawyer? 

Lawyer? Hell no, the money isn't the important thing. And parsing out $ wouldn't have worked, he was too far in the red.

 When I die, my executor (a real moneygrubber) can try to recapture it. 

[Rick M]

3 hours ago, CuriousByNature said:

I think that is a very kind and generous thing you did for him, and I hope it hasn't put any financial strain on yourself.  It sounds like this was set up as a proper loan without strict conditions, so I doubt he thinks of it as a gift.  Even if he is embarrassed he should at least let you know that he is doing alright - though depending on how he got into debt, it is also possible he is back in debt again and would not want you to know.  My only advice, for what it is worth, is not to mention the debt at all when you reach out to him - even though you are just reaffirming that you aren't looking for reimbursement.  Mentioning the debt might be a trigger in some way, so perhaps consider just reaching out very lightheartedly.  Maybe that could set him at ease and make it more comfortable for him to respond?

I haven't mentioned money in any of my communications. Regardless, for all I know, he may have blocked my texts. (I have other ways of tracking/reaching him, but I don't want to freak him out.)

As a sort of collateral, he left something personal (but worthless to anyone else) in my care.

Edited May 1 by Rick M

[hornyfrog]

Unfortunately, for us who have regularly engaged in the hiring game, this is part of the deal: men (and women) who “borrow” money or expensive items with no real intention or reasonable means of ever paying you back.

And there are those out there who would prefer to stop all communication with their lender than have to face the fact that they can’t it refuse to reimburse them or return what they borrowed.

You met one of those. There are plenty more out there just like him. Only lend what you can afford to lose, or make it a policy never to lend at all (and risk whatever perception they will make of you in the process). 

[edinbrooklyn]

There are very, very few people I’d “loan” money to. I once gave a provider money when he had a bad car accident and no insurance. It was not a loan, I didn’t expect repayment and never asked. I’d turn down a blood relative. All too toxic.

[Rick M]

As counterpoint to my original story, I should add that I have given smaller, short-term loans to another provider, which he paid back faithfully. I have also paid off the automobile loans of two different boyfriends and allowed them to repay me in installments with lower interest rates. The success of these exercises may have influenced my attitude in the present case. 

[Thelatin]

I’ve been there, done that.  I think I’m better off for it financially.  As my guard is way way way up.

[+ nycman]

Chalk it up as a lesson.

"Neither a borrower nor a lender be;
For loan oft loses both itself and friend,
And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry."

- Polonius, Hamlet Scene 1, Act 3

[+ augustus]

@Rick M he doesn't have the same feelings for you, as you do for him.  It is what it is. Please don't extend him money again.  

[JamesB]

I'm sorry you had to go through this. Falling victim to a scam is unfortunate, but it's a common experience. Learn from it and move forward, avoiding the same mistake in the future. I've lost count of how many times providers have shared tales of financial hardship or family illness with me. When you choose to assist someone, you must accept that the money may not be returned. Additionally, be aware that offering help once often leads to future expectations of assistance.

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

As others here have said, you never lend money...  You give it, not expecting it back.

At least that keeps things honest.

Expectation is a funny thing, especially when it revolves around a fringe business.

[SouthOfTheBorder]

the quickest way to ruin a relationship is to loan money to family or friends.  when it doesn’t get repaid, resentment ensues.  not worth it.

let someone else be the bank 

[maninsoma]

I almost never lend any money, but I did lend my roommate some money a year ago on a very short term basis and got repaid within two weeks (I made him sign a note which promised repayment within that time frame).  We watch Judge Judy reruns together so having a formal acknowledgement of the loan and repayment terms seemed sensible even though we trust each other.  Speaking of which, forty years ago I lent another roommate money so she could put down her share of the security deposit on the apartment we were renting.  I had to hound her for that money for several weeks even though she told me she'd repay me the week after I lent the money to her.  It is kind of surprising, but even among people who seem to be nice, ethical people there are those who have no qualms about taking financial advantage of someone else if they can get away with it.

Edited May 2 by maninsoma
correct typo