Dating a closeted bi man…

[Michael PhD]

Hey guys. I’ve gotten into a predicament. 
 

Over the last year I’ve casually been seeing a divorced bi man. We have had a lot of great sexual adventures, one on one and with a third (male and female). 
 

Recently, I asked if he wanted to meet with a submissive bottom who likes “daddy” types. He jumped at the idea. 
 

I sent over pics and a video of the two of us. What I failed to consider is that the guy I was suggesting we tag team is someone he knows… his son. 
 

My long term buddy is pretty upset and wants me to promise to not see his son again. I like the young man and have a lot of fun. 
 

Is it wrong to continue seeing them both without letting the other know? My head says I should stop but I’m hoping some can convince me it’s not as bad as I’ve made it out to be…

[+ Lucky]

Honor his request.

[Michael PhD]

8 minutes ago, Lucky said:

Honor his request.

Thanks. I know you are right. 

[MikeBiDude]

3 hours ago, Michael PhD said:

Thanks. I know you are right. 

And consider yourself fortunate that (if?) your long term guy will still continue to see you.

[BuffaloKyle]

What a mess! I say just cut bait with both of them. It's not the same thing but I've had many 3sums with couples. Twice I have had 3sums where it got messy. One couple both of the guys texted me after asking to play one on one without the other knowing. Which I did. The other couple I just messed around with one of the guys separate then. To make a potential long story short it blew up in both cases badly.

Edited November 18, 2023 by BuffaloKyle

[+ Pensant]

That’s really distasteful in so many ways. Ugh.

[Michael PhD]

I didn’t plan for this or set this up. I’ve made connections with them both. But after the input and much thought, it’s clear that I’ll have to move on from both. 

[+ sync]

9 minutes ago, Michael PhD said:

I didn’t plan for this or set this up. I’ve made connections with them both. But after the input and much thought, it’s clear that I’ll have to move on from both. 

I've never been in that situation, but I believe your decision to make a clean break from both is sound. 

[+ purplekow]

To play Devil's advocate, why do you owe either of these men an explanation for sleeping around with other men.  Your life is your own and unless you have an emotional attachment to one or the other then the decision to continue or not continue to see either one is yours and not something that should be forced upon you by either one,  If you enjoy the sex with each equally and if you know that you are not going to have a long term relationship with either, the devil wants you to continue to see both until there is an eventual explosion.  

Five years from now this will just be an interesting memory.  

Now if you have emotional feelings for one and not the other, then you need to address that, because that is a situation which is doomed to failure.  

[Rudynate]

23 hours ago, Michael PhD said:

Hey guys. I’ve gotten into a predicament. 
 

Over the last year I’ve casually been seeing a divorced bi man. We have had a lot of great sexual adventures, one on one and with a third (male and female). 
 

Recently, I asked if he wanted to meet with a submissive bottom who likes “daddy” types. He jumped at the idea. 
 

I sent over pics and a video of the two of us. What I failed to consider is that the guy I was suggesting we tag team is someone he knows… his son. 
 

My long term buddy is pretty upset and wants me to promise to not see his son again. I like the young man and have a lot of fun. 
 

Is it wrong to continue seeing them both without letting the other know? My head says I should stop but I’m hoping some can convince me it’s not as bad as I’ve made it out to be…

Doing the right thing doesn't always feel that good.  This is one of those times.

[+ purplekow]

11 minutes ago, Rudynate said:

Doing the right thing doesn't always feel that good.  This is one of those times.

Doing the "right" thing and doing what is right for oneself frequently are two different things.  

OP could always opt for the bold thing and tell his long time FB  that he enjoys the FB's son and OP wishes to continue to see him and his son and it is the FB's choice to continue their relationship or not.  He could also tell the son, I know your father and if that is a problem then the decision is yours to make.  IF the son asks how the OP knows his father, he should tell him he needs to speak to his father about that.  Everything is out in the open and everyone can make his own choice and not make choices for others.  Ah the drama of it all.  

But before any of this, the OP needs to contact Bravo with a treatment for this.   I would go with either

All in the Family or Not.  

 Family Matters or Does it.  

Family Ties and Unties  

Family Affair  ??? 

Family Feud   

Sanford and Son (Names have been changed to protect the Guilty)

Son of Anarchy

Friends  With Benefits

Yours Mine but Not Ours

 

Edited November 18, 2023 by purplekow

[Rudynate]

8 minutes ago, purplekow said:

Doing the "right" thing and doing what is right for oneself frequently are two different things.  

OP could always opt for the bold thing and tell his long time FB  that he enjoys the FB's son and OP wishes to continue to see him and his son and it is the FB's choice to continue their relationship or not.  He could also tell the son, I know your father and if that is a problem then the decision is yours to make.  IF the son asks how the OP knows his father, he should tell him he needs to speak to his father about that.  Everything is out in the open and everyone can make his own choice and not make choices for others.  Ah the drama of it all.  

True enough - but what you're describing is inordinately complicated.  To me. in that same situation, the simplest thing, that I could live with, would be to cut if off with the boy.  However, the whole thing would leave enough of a taint that I would probably cut it off with dad as well and move on.  

[wsc]

1 hour ago, Rudynate said:

True enough - but what you're describing is inordinately complicated.  To me. in that same situation, the simplest thing, that I could live with, would be to cut if off with the boy.  However, the whole thing would leave enough of a taint that I would probably cut it off with dad as well and move on.  

Stop saying cut it off before someone actually does; this whole thing could get ugly.

I'd love to know what Dear Abby thinks about this, but I assume that when she read the original post, she fainted. This is an unfortunate mess, with no one at fault, and a rare case of two rights making a wrong. I'll adopt a rule that if it smells icky, and looks icky, and sounds icky, it's probably icky. So, walk away before icky gets sticky. 

BTW, will father and son see each other at Thanksgiving? I'd like to buy a seat for that.

[Rudynate]

5 minutes ago, wsc said:

 This is an unfortunate mess, with no one at fault, and a rare case of two rights making a wrong. I'll adopt a rule that if it smells icky, and looks icky, and sounds icky, it's probably icky. So, walk away before icky gets 

Agree completely.  Everyone needs to walk away and forget it happened.  

[Michael PhD]

Appreciate the feedback. 
 

I am not planning to see either. 
 

My bi buddy isn’t out and I don’t plan on outing him by telling his son that I know his dad in that way. He’s upset and hasn’t talked to me after this all came out and I promised I wouldn’t see his son again. 
 

My buddy’s son and I have met for almost 3 years. We are more than fuck buddies. Friends at minimum. No long term potential but we have mutual respect and what I find challenging is how abrupt this will be for him to hear without sharing context. I’ve been vague with him this past month when he texts but he can tell something is off. Doesn’t feel right to ghost him. Doesn’t feel right to lie. Doesn’t feel right to not share something to help him understand. 
 

Anyway, thanks for the feedback. I’m not sure how I’ll handle it aside from not meeting either for play… navigating how to end the “relationship” is challenging. 

[+ sniper]

Is the son out to his dad?

[Michael PhD]

9 minutes ago, sniper said:

Is the son out to his dad?

Yes 

[+ sync]

54 minutes ago, Michael PhD said:

Yes 

That puts a bit of a different spin on it.  You might tell each of them you are ceasing any further intimacy with either of them because you did not know of their family relationship.  I don't think it fair for you to accept any blame or feel you have done anything wrong.  It is just an unfortunate situation that is not the fault of anyone involved.  I do believe they both are deserving of an explanation for your severing your relationships with them.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it goes well.  

[Danny-Darko]

8 hours ago, Rudynate said:

Agree completely.  Everyone needs to walk away and forget it happened.  

I agree, but if they move in the same circles they are bound to meet again under similar circumstances. 

[+ sniper]

7 hours ago, sync said:

That puts a bit of a different spin on it.  You might tell each of them you are ceasing any further intimacy with either of them because you did not know of their family relationship.  I don't think it fair for you to accept any blame or feel you have done anything wrong.  It is just an unfortunate situation that is not the fault of anyone involved.  I do believe they both are deserving of an explanation for your severing your relationships with them.

Whatever you decide to do, I hope it goes well.  

I think the dad is not out to the son. Dad will know exactly why OP is pulling back. What to tell the son is trickier.

Edited November 19, 2023 by sniper

[Michael PhD]

3 hours ago, sniper said:

I think the dad is not out to the son. Dad will know exactly why OP is pulling back. What to tell the son is trickier.

Yes, that’s my issues. Sorry if I wasn’t clear. 

[Rudynate]

9 hours ago, Danny-Darko said:

I agree, but if they move in the same circles they are bound to meet again under similar circumstances. 

Sure - "walk away and forget it happened " doesn't mean never see each other again.  Dad coming out to his son would ameliorate the whole situation.  

[pubic_assistance]

It's rare for a homosexual to have a bisexual father.

If this story is true (if)...then you've uncovered a sexual unicorn.

99% of the gay men I've met in my life have fathers who are emotionally unavailable either through extreme layers of machismo or cultural norms that distance the father from parental roles. I would expect a bisexual man to NOT make that mistake with his children, since that bisexuality is often a remnant of his own earning for a male intimacy he was denied in childhood.

Edited November 19, 2023 by pubic_assistance
grammar

[Michael PhD]

13 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

It's rare for a homosexual to have a bisexual father.

If this story is true (if)...then you've uncovered a sexual unicorn.

99% of the gay men I've met in my life have fathers who are emotionally unavailable either through extreme layers of machismo or cultural norms that distance the father from parental roles. I would expect a bisexual man to NOT make that mistake with his children, since that bisexuality is often a remnant of his own earning for a male intimacy he was denied in childhood.

Well I don’t usually resort to anecdotes to make conclusions but as someone who is also bi, I have met married couples where the man is bi and they have gay children. Most I imagine aren’t out to their children as this lifestyle is not one I find to be easily accepted but I may be wrong. My experience would challenge your statement. Don’t have the data to make a conclusion but would just point out that our experiences do not align so your statement may be true for you and mine true for me. 

[Guest]

24 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

It's rare for a homosexual to have a bisexual father.

If this story is true (if)...then you've uncovered a sexual unicorn.

99% of the gay men I've met in my life have fathers who are emotionally unavailable either through extreme layers of machismo or cultural norms that distance the father from parental roles. I would expect a bisexual man to NOT make that mistake with his children, since that bisexuality is often a remnant of his own earning for a male intimacy he was denied in childhood.

I don’t doubt your observation, but, it leads to the conclusion that homosexuality is caused at least in part by emotional neglect. I don’t think that’s true.