Matthew Perry dies - drowning the given cause

[mike carey]

I regularly listen to a British politics podcast in which they regularly choose a hero and villain of the week, usually British political figures. Last Tuesday the hero was Matthew Perry for his selfless work in helping addicts, despite not being entirely successful in helping himself. They noted that people who have lived experience with an issue have profound insights, whether they can use those insights to their own benefit or not. Anyone acknowledging the things for which he wanted to be remembered for is better than it being ignored by all.

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, Ali Gator said:

when he died, he wanted to be remembered for the good he did helping people, not for the TV show "Friends"

I live across the street from the building where the characters in "Friends" supposedly lived. The pile of flowers and memorials to "Chandler" are bordering on the bizarre. So many people feel this strange connection to the show, to the odd degree that they went out and bought flowers for a person that doesn't exist played by an actor they never knew and left at a location neither, character, nor actor ever lived.  Sad for someone who wanted to be more.

[+ purplekow]

2 hours ago, pubic_assistance said:

I live across the street from the building where the characters in "Friends" supposedly lived. The pile of flowers and memorials to "Chandler" are bordering on the bizarre. So many people feel this strange connection to the show, to the odd degree that they went out and bought flowers for a person that doesn't exist played by an actor they never knew and left at a location neither, character, nor actor ever lived.  Sad for someone who wanted to be more.

I have a different take on this.  I do not find it strange that actors or athletes or singers may touch a person's life in a way that is disproportionate to the actual significance the interaction.  As a boy my baseball hero was Mickey Mantle which was not unusual in NYC at the time.  When he died more than 30 years later I was more affected by his death than I was with the death of some family members and others with a real world connection to my life. And the impact of his death lasted for several days.    But Mickey Mantle for me was, as a 9 year old, an aspiration and a real inspiration.  Not the real life alcoholic, misogynist, absentee father, but the person I imagined him to be, confident, capable and heroic.  

I imagine many children of the 90s had a similar feeling about the cast members of Friends or perhaps other shows.  The images of these characters came into your home weekly.  They made you laugh and they had problems which were relatable to your life while not being alive at all.  The characters were not afraid to be vulnerable, they shared their secrets with you and you knew that they would be there as scheduled each Thursday.  And even now, they are there almost all day long, dancing in a fountain or hanging out endlessly at a coffee shop or dating some hot new guy or girl.   

Matthew Perry seems to have done some good work with overcoming addiction and helping others to do so.  There are at least 10 people who come to counsel addicts at my hospital doing real work and saving real lives, but they do not come into my living room and tell me who they are dating.  So in that way, the real people do not seem to be nearly as real as the characters.  

So those flowers are being left for the impact which that character had in their life, for the real unreal relationship that exists with the deceased and the flowers have little to do with the real person who has died.  Their involvement in this way is a credit to the work Mr Perry did professionally as an actor and that work is the main reason that most who care about  his involvement with helping others with their sobriety.  He has succeeded in getting his message across, although for most people, that realization occurred as a result of his passing. 

 

Edited November 4, 2023 by purplekow

[mike carey]

Beautifully put, PK.

[BSR]

On 10/28/2023 at 6:01 PM, viewing ownly said:

I never saw an episode of Friends, but I didn't have to when I heard the news to know who he was. Regardless of how it happened, he was in his 50s - far too young.

I'm the opposite -- I watched every single episode of Friends, some episodes several times via reruns.  I can't say that I was personally that affected by his death, just sad that such a talented person died far too young.  He was so committed to helping others with addiction.  Hopefully Perry's foundation continues his good work.

I'm weird about comedies.  As much as I love to laugh, I almost never like American comedy series.  Friends was 1 of only 2 sitcoms I've ever liked (Mary Tyler Moore was the other one).  So thank you Chandler Bing/Matthew Perry for all the belly-laughs.  R.I.P.

[Ali Gator]

On 11/4/2023 at 9:57 AM, pubic_assistance said:

I live across the street from the building where the characters in "Friends" supposedly lived. The pile of flowers and memorials to "Chandler" are bordering on the bizarre. So many people feel this strange connection to the show, to the odd degree that they went out and bought flowers for a person that doesn't exist played by an actor they never knew and left at a location neither, character, nor actor ever lived.  Sad for someone who wanted to be more.

And this is exactly what Perry didn't want, and he made this ever so clear in his memoir and every interview he did last year. 

 

This reminds me of when my cousin Ann died of breast cancer in 2015 (the day before her 38th birthday). Ann was brought up in a Catholic family, but she was an Atheist since she was in high school. She was totally against any religion, especially Catholicism, and was very vocal about her beliefs in  atheism. When she was coming to terms with her life coming to an end in a matter of weeks, she had written her final wishes down - she wanted to be cremated, her ashes spread over her favorite park where she grew up, and have a 'life celebration' at the park - no mournful funeral. Her husband (also an atheist) and her two teen daughters were understanding of her wishes, and agreed to them before she passed.

Somehow, her mother (my first cousin) and father - staunch Catholics who are very active with the Diocese - got involved, and managed to toss her final wishes aside and give her a Big Catholic funeral, complete with the Archbishop of our diocese officiating.  Their son-in-law gave into this. They also bought a plot for her to be buried - no cremation for her ! - in a Catholic cemetery near their parish. WTF ? My head was spining - not only was her immediate family going against her wishes, but the Catholic Church was willing to participate in a Catholic funeral of a very known atheist ? 

Though I wasn't particularly close to Ann (saw her at different family get-togethers every so often), I really was shocked that her family and loved ones would do this to her and her final wishes.  I, along with another family member, refused to attend any of this on the grounds that we wished to respect her own personal beliefs and honor her final wishes. We both let the family know why we weren't attending any of the services - no disrespect to Ann, as we felt we were the only ones respecting her at this time.   Others told us in private that we should just attend - go along to get along - and not make waves. Neither one of us could. 

[pubic_assistance]

27 minutes ago, Ali Gator said:

no disrespect to Ann, as we felt we were the only ones respecting her at this time

Absolutely.

 

[+ purplekow]

I agree with your not attending when the wishes of the deceased about a personal choice is disregarded.  In Mr Perry's case, he was saying how he would like to be remembered but none of us has the ability to control our legacy, try as we might, others will determine that.  

His philanthropic work and his attempts to aid in recovery for those addicted is being highlighted now, but his notoriety will always be related to the project that brought him to public consciousness and which allowed him to do good works.  It may have not been what he would have wanted, but that those works are being mentioned as frequently as they are now is still a major accomplishment.