Am I Wrong to Feel Like I Do After Losing a Friend?

[CarolinaRen]

Two weeks ago, a close friend of over 30 years passed away. His children provided a two-sentence "obituary" at the funeral home web site stating his name, date of birth and death, and place of birth. Nothing more.

There is no service planned, and this is not abnormal, I know and understand. But to provide no more of an obituary than two sentences has really rubbed me the wrong way.

My friend's adult children, both in their thirties, have known he was gay for years and accepted it with no shade whatsoever.  They've been a part of his life, visiting him every year from the time they were little to the present with their own kids, happily. He had two late husbands he survived, both of which had quite large funerals that his son and daughter both attended. 

As I approach my 60s, perhaps I'm just more attuned to what is getting closer for myself, but honestly I think I would have had the same reaction at age 30: you don't have enough respect for your parent to write a decent tribute that honors his life accomplishments in a couple of paragraphs that might take you 20 minutes to compose? My friend was no wallflower. He was fun loving, kind, helpful, funny,  accomplished, and was beloved by many. Doesn't any decent person deserve more than two sentences for an obituary?

 

 

[maninsoma]

My advice is to not dwell on this.  You have no idea why his adult children wrote the brief obituary and it isn't really anyone else's business.

Can you just give him the tribute you think he deserves?  I think if his children don't mind that you submit an obituary to a newspaper where he lived, you can write and have published what you want.  Or just write your tribute on social media.  Have your own memorial for him, inviting those people you know who were close to him.  There are many ways you can honor his legacy without having to bring into question how his children responded publicly to his death.

Just to share my experience of attending my father's memorial:  Neither my brother nor I got up to speak because, frankly, neither of us would have had much positive to say about him.  My sister didn't attend but had an aunt of ours read something she wrote; it was a very odd "tribute" that basically reminisced about the vacations we took when we were kids.  I'm sure that many people who just got to know my dad as adults thought he was a fun person, but I'd argue that those who really knew him knew he was either unwilling or unable to connect emotionally, and those of us who were raised by him knew him as a sometimes violent person who was, for the most part, not interested in his kids' well being apart from providing food and shelter.  I hope no one judged my brother or me for not speaking; we both thought it was better to not speak ill of the dead and neither one of us was willing to get up in front of a group of people and lie about our experience with our father.

 

[+ Coolwave35]

Death is funny and people grieve differently. Maybe it was his wish that his death not be the defining moment of his life and just the last thing he did on Earth? 
 

I say obituarize him here if you want people to know about the life he lived. When my grandma died I begged to write the obituary and then paid to have it placed in every newspaper in our county because it was important to me that as many people as possible knew of her. I forgot to mention my sister in law though and she’s still hurt by it years later. 

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

It's okay to feel the way you feel, but it's not your call to make.  This was a family issue.  This is their grieving process.

The reality of it is that he's dead, so it's a moot point.  Obits and memorials are for the living.  If you want to honor him, you could host your own and invite people you both knew.  It would be your judgement call whether you wanted to include his children.  I would, just to cover your bases.

I'd agree that you're projecting your issues with your own eventual death on this particular situation.  Even more reason to suggest you plan EXACTLY what you want to happen, on paper or document, when you kick the bucket.  Write your own obit.  Pick the music.  Choose what lube you'll offer in the departing gift bag.  The whole enchilada.

I'm sorry your friend died.  I hope you can find some closure.

[CarolinaRen]

Thanks for each of your replies. I appreciate them all. The funeral home had a page for tributes, so I did indeed write a tribute myself a few days back. 

Thanks again.

[jeezifonly]

I’m sorry for your loss

The social default is that the biological family is considered to have best known the deceased.

It’s not a factual reality, just a custom. Post/submit your thoughts about your friend, and what he meant to you, how he made you feel. Someone will be touched by your words. It’s sometimes the only way to grieve alone. 
 

 

[+ Charlie]

One of my college roommates died earlier this year, and though I searched everywhere, I couldn't find any obituary. My alumni magazine usually has notices from the family and tributes from others when an alumnus dies, but there was nothing. I don't know why, but I suspect that his family relations were messy: he had at least two wives and a few children. We didn't have any relationship after our senior year, but he was a likeable guy and had made friends easily at school, so I took it upon myself to write a short note to the magazine, to let classmates know that he had passed, and gave a little general information about his life after college, so that he is at least memorialized somewhere.

[Guest]

Do you know what the decedent would have wanted? I know that my mother didn't like funerals, and didn't want one for herself, so we didn't have one. Someone who didn't know her as well might have wondered why no funeral, but we knew her best. 

[CarolinaRen]

16 minutes ago, Unicorn said:

Do you know what the decedent would have wanted? I know that my mother didn't like funerals, and didn't want one for herself, so we didn't have one. Someone who didn't know her as well might have wondered why no funeral, but we knew her best. 

I want to reiterate that I  appreciate all of your replies. Each is helpful.

I don't know for sure what he desired. He joked with us following his second husband's funeral that he wanted banner planes flying overhead before and after his funeral, but this clearly was in jest while he, I, and his kids were in the car.

Funny story: his second husband passed away in 2010. The kids and I were staying with my friend, so it was up to us to collect the flowers, etc, following the service. This was a funeral like nothing I've ever seen. The deceased, a native of Oklahoma, had called for the orchestral version of the theme to the musical Oklahoma to be played at the beginning of the service. My friend's husband had, unbeknownst to me, been a collector of antique silver pieces, and he opted to have his ashes contained in a silver chocolate pot. My friend's daughter and I were getting the last of what was to return home with us: her with a huge spray of flowers, me with Gordon's ashes. I remarked as we were walking down the aisle together to the car how heavy that chocolate pot was, and without a beat she followed, "well, Dad said Gordon's gained weight recently" 🤣😅  I said, "girl, seriously, if you make me crack up, trip, and spill these ashes, I swear!!"😂

All of our associations through the years were filled with conviviality, humor, laughter, and love. So that's what I'll take from all of this. Thanks, guys...

[Rudynate]

On 7/9/2023 at 8:01 AM, maninsoma said:

My advice is to not dwell on this.  You have no idea why his adult children wrote the brief obituary and it isn't really anyone else's business.

Can you just give him the tribute you think he deserves?  I think if his children don't mind that you submit an obituary to a newspaper where he lived, you can write and have published what you want.  Or just write your tribute on social media.  Have your own memorial for him, inviting those people you know who were close to him.  There are many ways you can honor his legacy without having to bring into question how his children responded publicly to his death.

Just to share my experience of attending my father's memorial:  Neither my brother nor I got up to speak because, frankly, neither of us would have had much positive to say about him.  My sister didn't attend but had an aunt of ours read something she wrote; it was a very odd "tribute" that basically reminisced about the vacations we took when we were kids.  I'm sure that many people who just got to know my dad as adults thought he was a fun person, but I'd argue that those who really knew him knew he was either unwilling or unable to connect emotionally, and those of us who were raised by him knew him as a sometimes violent person who was, for the most part, not interested in his kids' well being apart from providing food and shelter.  I hope no one judged my brother or me for not speaking; we both thought it was better to not speak ill of the dead and neither one of us was willing to get up in front of a group of people and lie about our experience with our father.

 

Publishing an obituary in a newspaper is very expensive, but there are lots of social media venues that could be used for a lot less money.

[rvwnsd]

7 hours ago, Rudynate said:

Publishing an obituary in a newspaper is very expensive, but there are lots of social media venues that could be used for a lot less money.

We published an obituary for my mom back in 2008. I don't remember the exact cost, but it was a small fortune. IIRC, after a certain number of words the cost jumped exponentially. My brother and I spent more time editing than we did writing. We did not publish one for my dad in 2011 because the cost had almost doubled by then. He was a thrifty man and would not have wanted us to spend the money. However, we posted an announcement on a page hosted by the cremation society. 

[Rudynate]

1 hour ago, rvwnsd said:

We published an obituary for my mom back in 2008. I don't remember the exact cost, but it was a small fortune. IIRC, after a certain number of words the cost jumped exponentially. My brother and I spent more time editing than we did writing. We did not publish one for my dad in 2011 because the cost had almost doubled by then. He was a thrifty man and would not have wanted us to spend the money. However, we posted an announcement on a page hosted by the cremation society. 

Yep - as I remember, the paper bills - a lot - by the column inch.

[maninsoma]

Until this thread was started and I did some basic research, I had no idea that a basic newspaper obituary cost money -- by basic I mean two or three paragraphs -- and were treated as advertisements by newspapers.  I thought birth and death notices were simply done for free as a public service.  Did that used to be the case?

Edited July 12, 2023 by maninsoma

[Guest]

52 minutes ago, maninsoma said:

Until this tread was started and I did some basic research, I had no idea that a basic newspaper obituary cost money -- by basic I mean two or three paragraphs -- and were treated as advertisements by newspapers.  I thought birth and death notices were simply done for free as a public service.  Did that used to be the case?

I doubt most papers would print obituaries for free, except for special newspapers such as perhaps a university newspaper printing an obituary of a professor or professor emeritus who passed away. The closest I ever heard was when a famous friend of my brother's passed away, and the New York Times wanted to charge hundreds for an obituary. My brother called them, reminding them that his late friend had been a New York Times subscriber for 40 years or so, and he managed to get them to publish to obit for free. You'd think it'd be news the public would be interested to hear, but I think most newspapers have always seen obits as an opportunity to earn $$$. 😥 If it was ever different, it was probably in the distant past. Maybe some of our more mature members know otherwise?

Edited July 12, 2023 by Unicorn

[CarolinaRen]

My mother passed away a couple of years ago, and we did prepare an obituary for her local newspaper. The circumstances were such that we felt we should since it's a small town where most of the members of her demographic (she was over 90) still read the paper and were not even online at all. It was over $90 IIRC. I had remembered that they were expensive, but it seems they've gone way up.

The obit to which I'd referred in the OP was the one on the funeral home website.

[maninsoma]

5 hours ago, maninsoma said:

Until this thread was started and I did some basic research, I had no idea that a basic newspaper obituary cost money -- by basic I mean two or three paragraphs -- and were treated as advertisements by newspapers.  I thought birth and death notices were simply done for free as a public service.  Did that used to be the case?

Found this article.  Guess my hunch was right, at least about newspapers that served less populated areas.  They likely were free decades ago, at least basic ones. 

 

American Journalism Review - Archives

AJRARCHIVE.ORG

 

[+ purplekow]

When my wife died, I have the obituary placed in two newspapers.  The cost was incorporated into the cost of the funeral.  Considering the cost of the funeral, for a pretty basic funeral with a nice but not extremely expensive casket, was more than $15000 a few hundred more or less for the obituaries seemed unimportant.  I believe the average funeral in NJ is in the 10000 range. According to a quick search, the average funeral in the US is nearly $8000.   The cost probably varies greatly by the neighborhood and the extravagance of the ceremony.  

[CuriousByNature]

10 hours ago, purplekow said:

When my wife died, I have the obituary placed in two newspapers.  The cost was incorporated into the cost of the funeral.  Considering the cost of the funeral, for a pretty basic funeral with a nice but not extremely expensive casket, was more than $15000 a few hundred more or less for the obituaries seemed unimportant.  I believe the average funeral in NJ is in the 10000 range. According to a quick search, the average funeral in the US is nearly $8000.   The cost probably varies greatly by the neighborhood and the extravagance of the ceremony.  

For my mother we placed an obituary that was about 15-20 lines long, with a photo, in the Saturday edition of a major Canadian paper.  I think the cost was about $700.  In parts of Canada, like Vancouver, $10,000 won't even cover the cost of a burial plot, unfortunately.  My cousin who passed away in Vancouver had his casket placed in the wall of of the cemetery mausoleum, and I believe his wife paid close to $50,000 - but I think that included a place beside him for when her time comes.  Still, probably the most expensive real estate in the city per square foot.  I think it was George Burns who said "I can't afford to die.  It would cost too much money", or something to that effect.

[+ augustus]

On 7/9/2023 at 10:08 AM, CarolinaRen said:

But to provide no more of an obituary than two sentences has really rubbed me the wrong way.

I completely agree!!!   What a total lack of respect.  The obits are written on the funeral home websites, I'm not sure that it even costs any more money.  People can truly suck.  Unless he was a monster or deadbeat dad, a few sentences about his life would be appropriate.  These 2 are bad children, I don't care what anyone thinks or whatever any issues they had.  I had a friend I grew up with in the neighborhood and a couple of years ago his mother died and I went to the funeral.  The friend lives in Florida and I called him and he was playing the grieving son.  I asked him what did his mother die of and he said, "she had this and that" and that he couldn't make it to the funeral and that his siblings had better not ask him for any money for the funeral. 

LESSON HERE:  Don't leave jack shit to any family member that pays you no mind!

Edited July 13, 2023 by augustus

[+ augustus]

Another thing I might add...................people have complaints about their parents for one reason or another but from my own experience listening to them, the vast majority of these complaints are absolutely idiotic crybaby BS!!  Raising children is no joke and it wasn't easy for them.  Our parents had their issues and problems too.  

Edited July 13, 2023 by augustus