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Confessions of a Gaysian on the Last Night of a Staycation


MsgFantasy
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 Forward: First and foremost, this is supposed to be a blog post from my own blog, but the subject matter is so personal, I don't want to post it on my regular blog. Since I still want people to read it, I've decided this forum should be a better place to post it. This is not meant to be my side of an argument or anything, I just want to write my thoughts out. If you can connect with what I have to say in any way, however, please feel free to share your thoughts as well.

For the past 2 years, I've been working nonstop, so I decided to take a week off as a staycation just so I can burn off some of my time-offs that won't be carried over after March. I picked this week because I had to see Imagine Dragons at (formerly) Staples Center this past Saturday night, so I figured it'd be really nice if I didn't have to work a few days before and after. I also spent the night in downtown L.A. instead of going back to the (San Fernando) Valley. I convinced my husband that he didn't want to pick me up that late with his sciatica, and I also wanted to take this opportunity on Sunday morning to get a "massage."

Of course it was more than a massage, and the masseur also delivered more than what I asked for, but that's not the point of the blog post. The point is, I felt that void inside me again, the void created by lacking the kind of sexual and to some degree, emotional attention I always craved for in my life. I don't feel the void all the time, and it doesn't even show up that often, only when I had a sexual encounter where I'd feel wanted. I don't have a lot of sexual encounters to begin with, so for the past few years, I've only felt it once before, and unfortunately, I had to pay for that one as well.

Obviously, I had to console myself by telling myself that it wasn't real, but the best therapy so far is actually for me to take a look at the masseurs' personal Instagram, which would make me realize there wouldn't be a relationship with them in real life anyway whether I'm married or not: you know, for example, different political and social views, or the fact that I work in banking, and they party all the time while working on OnlyFans. (Not a judgement, I admire people who can do OnlyFans: If I had to make money by kissing ass all day, then I might as well make more money eating them; it's just that I can't overcome the moral standards I was taught.)

At this point, some of you may ask: "what about your husband?" Well, let's first talk about the circumstances of when we first met. Remember the void? I came to the U.S. in 2008 as an international student, so I have no family here, as a result, I had a bigger void in me at that time: constant loneliness, and that wasn't caused by lack of sexual attention, that was caused by lack of support from loved one(s) and uncertainty with life. Right after graduation before knowing how to get a Green Card, I didn't even want to think about hooking up. Then there came my husband. Honestly, I WAS lucky to have met him when I did. He helped me find a new place to live, and my first job out of college to get my adult life started in the U.S. Already knowing how tough the market was for a chubby gaysian at the time since I'd been trying to get a boyfriend when I was in college, I leaned on him instantly. Before he became my boyfriend, he already became my family, a loved one. You could guess the rest: DoMA was struck down, and we were able to get married so I could stay in the U.S.

We were only sexual with each other for a very short period of time, and even when we were, we were never quite on the same page. I enjoy gentle loving sex, and he enjoys leather stuff, but the thing is even when I was willing to wear some of his gears, it'd still took him a very long time to get hard and eventually cum. He also can't keep it consistently hard enough for any penetration. When he pleasures himself, he needs on average more than one hour and 15 minutes, and he wasn't even trying to edge. That's why we stopped having sex with each other within 6 months of our relationship, and we've been living together for more than 10 years. We absolutely do love each other as family, so much so that knowing what's available out there, I'd only see myself living alone if god forbid something happens to him. Nevertheless, because we treat each other as family members, neither of us was able to see each other sexually--he didn't even want me to touch his dick without any sexual intent.

Therefore, without explicitly talking about it, we low-key allow each other to explore sexually if an opportunity should arise. Some of you may ask again: "What's the problem, then?" The problem is, whenever I feel the void, I was reminded of the fact that I never got the chance to feel being swept under my feet by any one. My husband was only my second relationship; the first one was long-distance, so neither of my relationships resembled anything like what I was taught to expect.

Do I think there might be something better out there for me? I don't know, but I honestly doubt it as well. I live in L.A., and I see 3 types of gay guys: the ones that don't want to think about settle down at all and just want to have sex, the ones that want to settle down but are too picky and care about all the wrong things of the other person, and the ones who have a perfect body, who live with a boyfriend with a perfect body, but are in an open relationship. No wonder all my dream husbands are all straight. There were 2 straight men in my life that I had a serious crush on (If you don't count Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons, that is). Both of them are good looking of course, and turned out to be a responsible husband and father, but I think what they did for me more than my own husband ever does was that they both appreciated my intellect. My husband never appreciated how good my English is; he kinda just took it for granted; and he sometimes behave like he's intimidated by my intellect by not discussing politics with me, and never admitted he loved a movie whenever I picked it, even though he was seen visibly enjoying it. That, was the emotional part of the void I was referring to earlier.

Whenever we think about things like that, there are always a lot of what-ifs. What if I had a better body, would I increase my chance to meeting my dream guy? What if I had a dream husband, but our sexual passion for each other would still fade away? What if I don't take a chance now, or I'd be too old to do so? Even when I was looking at my straight crushes' life, I really couldn't tell if they have the same problem or not, so 8 paragraphs in, is it possible that my expectations of a good relationship were simply unrealistic? Just to be clear, having a perfect body was never my expectation for a perfect husband. I'm chubby, and my husband has the same weight as me but shorter, so you do the maths. I've found guys attractive when they're chubby or have a dadbod as long as they're not morbidly obese, but again a perfect body seems to be what most gay guys are looking for these days, and since I want people to appreciate my intellect, I can't bring myself to get a perfect body myself just to be loved.

Well, what do I want then? I'm still not sure. Maybe a perfect affair or one night stand where I can meet a nice guy who can give me the sexual attention I want without money involved, while being able to carry on a stimulating conversation with me just so I know what I've wanted is possible? Maybe all I need was simply knowing that I can be loved the way I want to be loved at one point of my life, and it didn't have to last at all.

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6 hours ago, MsgFantasy said:

 Forward: First and foremost, this is supposed to be a blog post from my own blog, but the subject matter is so personal, I don't want to post it on my regular blog. Since I still want people to read it, I've decided this forum should be a better place to post it. This is not meant to be my side of an argument or anything, I just want to write my thoughts out. If you can connect with what I have to say in any way, however, please feel free to share your thoughts as well.

For the past 2 years, I've been working nonstop, so I decided to take a week off as a staycation just so I can burn off some of my time-offs that won't be carried over after March. I picked this week because I had to see Imagine Dragons at (formerly) Staples Center this past Saturday night, so I figured it'd be really nice if I didn't have to work a few days before and after. I also spent the night in downtown L.A. instead of going back to the (San Fernando) Valley. I convinced my husband that he didn't want to pick me up that late with his sciatica, and I also wanted to take this opportunity on Sunday morning to get a "massage."

Of course it was more than a massage, and the masseur also delivered more than what I asked for, but that's not the point of the blog post. The point is, I felt that void inside me again, the void created by lacking the kind of sexual and to some degree, emotional attention I always craved for in my life. I don't feel the void all the time, and it doesn't even show up that often, only when I had a sexual encounter where I'd feel wanted. I don't have a lot of sexual encounters to begin with, so for the past few years, I've only felt it once before, and unfortunately, I had to pay for that one as well.

Obviously, I had to console myself by telling myself that it wasn't real, but the best therapy so far is actually for me to take a look at the masseurs' personal Instagram, which would make me realize there wouldn't be a relationship with them in real life anyway whether I'm married or not: you know, for example, different political and social views, or the fact that I work in banking, and they party all the time while working on OnlyFans. (Not a judgement, I admire people who can do OnlyFans: If I had to make money by kissing ass all day, then I might as well make more money eating them; it's just that I can't overcome the moral standards I was taught.)

At this point, some of you may ask: "what about your husband?" Well, let's first talk about the circumstances of when we first met. Remember the void? I came to the U.S. in 2008 as an international student, so I have no family here, as a result, I had a bigger void in me at that time: constant loneliness, and that wasn't caused by lack of sexual attention, that was caused by lack of support from loved one(s) and uncertainty with life. Right after graduation before knowing how to get a Green Card, I didn't even want to think about hooking up. Then there came my husband. Honestly, I WAS lucky to have met him when I did. He helped me find a new place to live, and my first job out of college to get my adult life started in the U.S. Already knowing how tough the market was for a chubby gaysian at the time since I'd been trying to get a boyfriend when I was in college, I leaned on him instantly. Before he became my boyfriend, he already became my family, a loved one. You could guess the rest: DoMA was struck down, and we were able to get married so I could stay in the U.S.

We were only sexual with each other for a very short period of time, and even when we were, we were never quite on the same page. I enjoy gentle loving sex, and he enjoys leather stuff, but the thing is even when I was willing to wear some of his gears, it'd still took him a very long time to get hard and eventually cum. He also can't keep it consistently hard enough for any penetration. When he pleasures himself, he needs on average more than one hour and 15 minutes, and he wasn't even trying to edge. That's why we stopped having sex with each other within 6 months of our relationship, and we've been living together for more than 10 years. We absolutely do love each other as family, so much so that knowing what's available out there, I'd only see myself living alone if god forbid something happens to him. Nevertheless, because we treat each other as family members, neither of us was able to see each other sexually--he didn't even want me to touch his dick without any sexual intent.

Therefore, without explicitly talking about it, we low-key allow each other to explore sexually if an opportunity should arise. Some of you may ask again: "What's the problem, then?" The problem is, whenever I feel the void, I was reminded of the fact that I never got the chance to feel being swept under my feet by any one. My husband was only my second relationship; the first one was long-distance, so neither of my relationships resembled anything like what I was taught to expect.

Do I think there might be something better out there for me? I don't know, but I honestly doubt it as well. I live in L.A., and I see 3 types of gay guys: the ones that don't want to think about settle down at all and just want to have sex, the ones that want to settle down but are too picky and care about all the wrong things of the other person, and the ones who have a perfect body, who live with a boyfriend with a perfect body, but are in an open relationship. No wonder all my dream husbands are all straight. There were 2 straight men in my life that I had a serious crush on (If you don't count Dan Reynolds from Imagine Dragons, that is). Both of them are good looking of course, and turned out to be a responsible husband and father, but I think what they did for me more than my own husband ever does was that they both appreciated my intellect. My husband never appreciated how good my English is; he kinda just took it for granted; and he sometimes behave like he's intimidated by my intellect by not discussing politics with me, and never admitted he loved a movie whenever I picked it, even though he was seen visibly enjoying it. That, was the emotional part of the void I was referring to earlier.

Whenever we think about things like that, there are always a lot of what-ifs. What if I had a better body, would I increase my chance to meeting my dream guy? What if I had a dream husband, but our sexual passion for each other would still fade away? What if I don't take a chance now, or I'd be too old to do so? Even when I was looking at my straight crushes' life, I really couldn't tell if they have the same problem or not, so 8 paragraphs in, is it possible that my expectations of a good relationship were simply unrealistic? Just to be clear, having a perfect body was never my expectation for a perfect husband. I'm chubby, and my husband has the same weight as me but shorter, so you do the maths. I've found guys attractive when they're chubby or have a dadbod as long as they're not morbidly obese, but again a perfect body seems to be what most gay guys are looking for these days, and since I want people to appreciate my intellect, I can't bring myself to get a perfect body myself just to be loved.

Well, what do I want then? I'm still not sure. Maybe a perfect affair or one night stand where I can meet a nice guy who can give me the sexual attention I want without money involved, while being able to carry on a stimulating conversation with me just so I know what I've wanted is possible? Maybe all I need was simply knowing that I can be loved the way I want to be loved at one point of my life, and it didn't have to last at all.

Dear MSG. Thanks for sharing. Have you considered a friend with benefits type of arrangment so you have somebody you can call a friend, go out to eat with or see a show and maybe fool around with?  It may help you fill that emotional void you are feeling since the guy is sticking around and not disappearing like a one night stand. Maybe even a friend that will appreciate your intellect and share some of your interests? Being “in love” and “being loved” are two different things in my experience. Best of luck!

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I'm not saying this as a joke, but as something that has worked for me.  Find yourself a good therapist.  I've gone through some of similar things as you and can relate to some of your feelings.  I'm currently working with a great therapist (finally) but hit has taken working with a handful through the years.  This new one is helping me make the changes that I really need to make to make my life better.  I also just try to focus on what I am grateful for.  If you ever want to PM to chat, feel free and we can discuss more.  Hang in there. 

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I also share some of these feelings you have as gay asian american. But, you're focusing too much on wanting to be in an ideal relationship. Lucky is 100% correct. They do not exist. No one is perfect. And those whom you see flashing their bodies and "perfect" relationships on social media have other problems you're not aware of. Also, as MassageAdam has suggested, finding a good therapist does wonders. Focus on yourself first and foremost. Be happy with who you are and if you're not, work on it (stop asking what ifs. just go out and make changes to your life). If you're not content being single and alone, how can you be in a relationship with someone else and expect them to love you and desire you? Always happy to talk to another fellow asian as our struggles are real. my DMs are always open. 

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I have felt these emotional voids before too, especially after an encounter with someone whom I felt a connection.  Then I can get real depressed after they leave, and think to myself, “I just spent how much on that guy?? And none of it was real??”  
 

I follow a lot of hot guys on IG, and I see a lot of them have hot boyfriends, or are around hot guys quite a bit.  I know I’m attracted first to a hot guy, and secondary to his personality.  I realize this sounds superficial, but I think the looks are what attracts anyone first to someone else.  Maybe not all, but I’d say a majority.  
 

Some of these guys may be hot, but underneath, some may have a black soul with that handsome mask.  I’ve lived through this with a narcissist.   I know I can never attract the hot guys that I like—as I’ve tried for years. What I find attractive is not what the other guys find reciprocally attractive. I may have a great job, and I don’t consider myself ugly or obese, but I don’t have that hot body with a six pack either that the gay world often looks for. That’s why I started hiring.  

Edited by HoseMaster
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Thanks for everybody's input here and in DMs. I assure everybody that I'm not in a mental health emergency. Not saying that therapists aren't necessary, but I believe I still have more than enough will power to mentally adjust myself. Of course I cherish what I have by counting my own blessings on a regular basis, and working in banking only made me realize how privileged my life already is as an immigrant compared with a great deal of natural born citizens. I didn't mention all that because I didn't want to veer off topic. Besides, no emotional void can truly be filled, you learn to make peace with it and move on, but you still feel it sometimes, like a deceased loved one, and that's how I am with my void.

I think @FrankR got it right in his last sentence, so I could redefine the void better: in my two relationships, I sort of bypassed the stage of feeling "in love," which normally includes romantic dinners, trips together, and last but not least, passionate sex. The frustration is that I obviously can't experience it with my husband anymore, and one simply can't easily find a person only to experience that for various reasons. I've certainly tried that when I was in college before meeting my husband, but that only made me realize I preferred older non-college-age men since I care about intellectual maturity too. (My husband is 8 years older than me.)

I'm never about guys with perfect faces and perfect bodies. In fact for the masseur I met in DTLA, I picked him because he didn't have a 6-pack at all, just a flat stomach. I live in L.A., so I'm trained to see through people's instagram glamor, and that isn't what I think is missing. Also, I'm extremely comfortable with who I am at this point of my life, but ironically the people who I think truly appreciate who I am are my female coworkers, and even my 2 straight crushes. To my husband, I'm too loud, too straight-forward, and too passionate about what I like or believe in. He has a monotone low voice, and never gets animated with his words, so that's why I think he gets intimated: while I'm simply being passionate about what I'm talking about, he just takes it as unnecessary hostility. Whenever I told him about something that happened at work, one of the first things he would say is "I'm right next to you, you don't have to be this loud," and that's another frustration: being myself and loving myself doesn't necessarily mean the person I want to love me as who I am would just do so. Again, I appreciate everybody's input, but I think some of you guys misunderstood me here and there.

Edited by MsgFantasy
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What I most notice from your two posts, MsgFantasy, is the negativity between you and your husband.  I'm not saying that married couples have to be all "flowers and hearts" all of the time, but from your two posts it sounds like the two of you don't have much respect for one another.  Am I getting the wrong impression?  If so, I apologize.  If not, then I think what would benefit you most is not attempting to fill a void with someone else but you and your husband talking more opening about your feelings with each other so you can improve your relationship.  It sounds like you know you won't get what you want from him in terms of what you view as an ideal romantic relationship, but if you're going to remain married and living together at least you could be doing so with a more positive view of one other.

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5 hours ago, maninsoma said:

What I most notice from your two posts, MsgFantasy, is the negativity between you and your husband.  I'm not saying that married couples have to be all "flowers and hearts" all of the time, but from your two posts it sounds like the two of you don't have much respect for one another.  Am I getting the wrong impression?  If so, I apologize.  If not, then I think what would benefit you most is not attempting to fill a void with someone else but you and your husband talking more opening about your feelings with each other so you can improve your relationship.  It sounds like you know you won't get what you want from him in terms of what you view as an ideal romantic relationship, but if you're going to remain married and living together at least you could be doing so with a more positive view of one other.


I think not respecting each other is too strong, we’re just wired differently. The little things he does that bug me, he doesn’t do them to despise me, that’s just him being himself.

Just two examples, when he first started his own business, he had a client that I could tell him is a total crook one month in, but he didn’t listen to me, and maintained the client relationship for a few month, and ended up with a loss of a few thousand dollars. When we used to go restaurants before the Pandemic, whenever my order was messed up, he would always assume it must be me who didn’t order it clearly. It took him a few years to realize that it’s actually America’s work force that has a competence issue. My interpretation of that is subconsciously he doesn’t want to take my intellect seriously.

I’ve tried to talk about it with him, but he’s not a very expressive person, so He would just shut down in that case: the biggest fight we’ve ever had was caused by my trying to get him to addressed our communication issues. Just like when we talk about politics, when he didn’t have anything good to address my point of view, he just stops talking about it by changing subjects. As a result, I just compromised and learned to accept that’s just who he is.

We continue to spend time together doing daily things, we still give each advice, we tell each other to be careful when we’re out and about, and we take care of each other when either of us is sick. Like I said, we’re like two family members living together. There’s love, but no romance or passion. Considering how many people are telling me to change my ideals, I guess that’s really just normal.

Edited by MsgFantasy
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