Confession

[xyz48B]

The only guys who’ve made me feel at all desirable are escorts. And that’s because they’re paid for it.

I more than sometimes wonder what it must be like to have your Grindr blow up, to have guys flirt with you at the bar or wherever…

I’d like to bask in unprompted, unsolicited, unscheduled glory once.

[CuriousByNature]

While such meetings are of a transactional nature, I wouldn't assume that money is the only reason why someone would want you to feel desired.  I have been told that those of us who assume such things often miss encouraging signals and flirtations from others.  Then there are those flirtations we might not see because they may be coming from someone we are not attracted to ourselves.  

[MikeBiDude]

I use RentMen, Seeking.com etc. for mutual benefit meets. On Grindr it’s not unusual for me to meet young guys who are interested in older….without me being “gen”. Takes thick skin, and patience but I do get hit on. Some cities I travel too gets attractions more than others, but it’s fun.

I’m confident in my 66 yo “Papa Hemingway” look. Could I improve my body? Sure, but I’m not ashamed of it…still confident and that goes a long way for me.

[Luv2play]

I had all that when I was younger. I thoroughly enjoyed it and knew then in my heart of hearts that if I lived long enough, the memories would sustain me in my old age. 

Now that I am here, providers enable me to pretend it's the old days but in my heart of hearts, I know it isn't. So no regrets either way.

[xyz48B]

5 hours ago, CuriousByNature said:

I wouldn't assume that money is the only reason why someone would want you to feel desired.

Of the guys I’ve hired, it’s been pretty clear that’s what it’s about. They do the job when they’re in town…But unless 💰 is showing up somehow, they don’t much care how desired I feel. Perhaps they care insofar as I’ll hire again if they go an extra few inches, but they’re not going that extra mile. Hell – some providers won’t even answer your initial inquiry to a text or message on RM.

31 minutes ago, Luv2play said:

I had all that when I was younger. I thoroughly enjoyed it and knew then in my heart of hearts that if I lived long enough, the memories would sustain me in my old age. 

Thanks for the pick-me-up… “I see you saying you don’t have something I did and loved, so let me tell you how great it was.” 

2 hours ago, MikeBiDude said:

I use RentMen, Seeking.com etc. for mutual benefit meets.

It doesn’t feel mutual. I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. I don’t feel like my patronage even is appreciated, let alone me.

[+ nycman]

Whenever I’m at a bar and someone is crying into their beer
that no one likes them, I usually observe several things…….

A) no one wants to be around someone who’s feeling sorry for themselves,
so the behavior is a self fulfilling prophecy. Buck-up butter cup. 

B) the pity party host, is usually fixated on the "perfect 10’s" in the room and 
ignoring the other 99% of the room. Look around with your eyes wide open.
There are usually several interested men sitting right next to you that
you’ve overlooked. 

C) alcohol never helps the situation. 

D) if you really think you’re that much of a shit show that no one wants to 
be around, (you’re not but let’s assume you honestly feel this way) then start
taking inventory and start changing the things about yourself that you can.
None of us is gonna get new genes or win the lottery, but we can all improve
our bodies and start being more responsible with our spending. Baby steps.

E) non-arrogant self confidence is sexy as fuck. Learn to project it. Personally, 
having a killer wardrobe helps me pull this one off. But find whatever gives you
confidence in being you, and use it to your advantage. 

F) escorts are a temporary fix but looking to them to solve this problem is delusional.
They're like crutches. There’s nothing wrong with crutches when you need them, 
but they’re never going to help you fly. 

Edited February 2, 2022 by nycman

[xyz48B]

@nycman- Thanks for basically verbosely telling me that some guys are are out of my league.

I can accept that there may be times – *may* – that I’ve missed approaches from guys, but the thing is…I’m pretty gregarious and if someone approached me, I’d be more than happy to talk to them, romantically or platonically. And that still doesn’t say anything about Grindr…Either guys who talk about their Grindr blowing up when they’re out are lying, or it’s just not something that happens for me.

Could I make the first move? Sure. Most definitely. Carpe diem and all that shit. But for fuck’s sake is it too much to ask to be pursued by someone. Why can’t I be someone’s 10 to their 6? I’m sick of being out of everyone’s league…

[KrisParr]

5 minutes ago, nycman said:

Whenever I’m at a bar and someone is crying into their beer
that no one likes them, I usually observe several things…….

A) no one wants to be around someone who’s feeling sorry for themselves,
so the behavior is a self fulfilling prophecy. Buck-up butter cup. 

B) the pity party host, is usually fixated on the "perfect 10’s" in the room and 
ignoring the other 99% of the room. Look around with your eyes wide open.
There are usually several interested men sitting right next to you that
you’ve overlooked. 

C) alcohol never helps the situation. 

D) if you really think you’re that much of a shit show that no one wants to 
be around, (you’re not but let’s assume you honestly feel this way) then start
taking inventory and start changing the things about yourself that you can.
None of us is gonna get new genes or win the lottery, but we can all improve
our bodies and start being more responsible with our spending. Baby step.

E) non-arrogant self confidence is sexy as fuck. Learn to project it. Personally, 
having a killer wardrobe helps me pull this one off. But find whatever gives you
confidence in being you, and use it to your advantage. 
 

Just have to comment - don’t ignore the suggestion of “killer wardrobe”. A few years ago, I had several “appointments” with a terrific 30-something provider. One evening at my place, he made a comment about his real job working in an upper class men’s store.  One thing led to another, and I took the plunge and updated my wardrobe completely except for one ratty frat-sweatshirt I will never throw out. He really forced me out of my comfort zone - I started getting compliments like never before, and even got hit on a few times unexpectedly which turned out nicely. Yes, it was a serious financial investment, but has paid off handsomely. And yes, it’s time to drop the GQ subscription once you hit 50. 

[CuriousByNature]

13 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

Of the guys I’ve hired, it’s been pretty clear that’s what it’s about. They do the job when they’re in town…But unless 💰 is showing up somehow, they don’t much care how desired I feel. Perhaps they care insofar as I’ll hire again if they go an extra few inches, but they’re not going that extra mile. Hell – some providers won’t even answer your initial inquiry to a text or message on RM.

Thanks for the pick-me-up… “I see you saying you don’t have something I did and loved, so let me tell you how great it was.” 

It doesn’t feel mutual. I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. I don’t feel like my patronage even is appreciated, let alone me.

I think the vast majority of people on this forum would hope that you know you are not alone in feeling how you're feeling.  Of course none of us can know exactly what another is going through, but please know I wish you strength and hope, for what that is worth.  Perhaps an opportunity will arise where someone will show you that you have value to them separate from what you can afford to pay.  It seems you might be in a real emotional rut, and that can be hard to escape from without support.  Is there a doctor or therapist you would be willing to speak to? It might help a lot.  Take care

[samhexum]

6 hours ago, xyz48B said:

I’d like toy bask in unprompted, unsolicited, unscheduled glory once.

Win the lottery and tell the press you want to blow it all on boy-toys.  Then stand back and prepare to bask in unprompted, unsolicited, unscheduled glory

[CuriousByNature]

3 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

@nycman- Thanks for basically verbosely telling me that some guys are are out of my league.

I can accept that there may be times – *may* – that I’ve missed approaches from guys, but the thing is…I’m pretty gregarious and if someone approached me, I’d be more than happy to talk to them, romantically or platonically. And that still doesn’t say anything about Grindr…Either guys who talk about their Grindr blowing up when they’re out are lying, or it’s just not something that happens for me.

Could I make the first move? Sure. Most definitely. Carpe diem and all that shit. But for fuck’s sake is it too much to ask to be pursued by someone. Why can’t I be someone’s 10 to their 6? I’m sick of being out of everyone’s league…

You are not out of everyone's league - don't even suggest that.  The concept of a leaugue is completely subjective and how a person ranks varies from age to age and generation to generation.  What you consider a 5, I may consider an 8.  You know that, though - I'm stating the obvious perhaps.  Maybe take a step back and concentrate on the qualities you value, and then get involved in groups or situations where those qualities abound.  You sound like things may be spiraling, and that concerns me.

[+ nycman]

24 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

@nycman- Thanks for basically verbosely telling me that some guys are are out of my league.

You’re welcome?

Baby, that’s true for every single human being on this planet.
And it’s not even that. None of us appeals to everyone. 
As a bitchy friend once said to me "don’t worry, some guys
are into skinny, anemic, southern, white guys."

Bitchy? Yes. True? Thankfully, also yes. 

Learn to look past the ones who aren’t into you.
They’re meaningless and you’re missing the forest for the trees.

It’s sad if that’s all you got from my post. Oh well, I hope it helps someone else. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by nycman

[MikeBiDude]

46 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

It doesn’t feel mutual. I’m starting to feel taken advantage of. I don’t feel like my patronage even is appreciated, let alone me.

That’s unfortunate. Sure that happens, if I’m made to feel like an ATM I move on. But I’ve had (and continue to have) many that appreciate our time together. A couple seeking.com meets over the years that are obviously not with me for the 💰.

[xyz48B]

@CuriousByNature– Not spiraling. This is something I’ve felt for years. I’ve only ever had one relationship in my life, and that was one where I invested way more than he did. I pursued him.

I appreciate that for some, guys just come their way. But it’s not how it’s been for me. I know that I’m not *most* guys’ so-called ten, but even then…I can’t believe it’s all my outward appearance. Sure, the gay community is extremely shallow when it comes to physicality, but it can’t be all that. There must be something more to it than that.

And as far as confidence goes, my friends will often tell me that one of my problems professionally with colleagues is that I confidently present myself unapologetically, and that intimidates people. So I’m pretty sure projecting confidence isn’t my issue. I also don’t have a shabby wardrobe for going out…A guy my size can’t socially afford to look sloven lest we’re lock, stock, and barrel discounted.

@nycman– That’s not all I took from it, but you led with it. “Suck it up, buttercup” isn’t exactly an endearing way of saying, “I know it sucks, but have you tried ABC?” But something tells me you weren’t aiming to soften the blow…

I’m also not looking for escorts to solve the problem. I’m simply saying the only guys who’ve made me feel desirable were the ones I’ve paid to do that.

@MikeBiDude– Yeah, well…if I could afford a subscription on Seeking and the support for a SB, I probably would be also a lot more attractive to others who overlook me now too.

Out of curiosity, who here that’s offered “perspective” (not calling it advice) has had a guy approach them?

[+ WilliamM]

56 minutes ago, xyz48B said:

@nycman- Thanks for basically verbosely telling me that some guys are are out of my league.

I can accept that there may be times – *may* – that I’ve missed approaches from guys, but the thing is…I’m pretty gregarious and if someone approached me, I’d be more than happy to talk to them, romantically or platonically. And that still doesn’t say anything about Grindr…Either guys who talk about their Grindr blowing up when they’re out are lying, or it’s just not something that happens for me.

Could I make the first move? Sure. Most definitely. Carpe diem and all that shit. But for fuck’s sake is it too much to ask to be pursued by someone. Why can’t I be someone’s 10 to their 6? I’m sick of being out of everyone’s league…

I laughed my ass off when a very frequent poster here wrote he was a "go getter.". So I know how you feel.

That said, please give it a try.

[xyz48B]

50 minutes ago, nycman said:

Learn to look past the ones who aren’t into you.

Looking past the ones who aren’t interested in me and what do I see?

@WilliamM– Give what a try, exactly?

Edited February 3, 2022 by xyz48B

[CuriousByNature]

1 hour ago, xyz48B said:

@CuriousByNature– Not spiraling. This is something I’ve felt for years. I’ve only ever had one relationship in my life, and that was one where I invested way more than he did. I pursued him.

I appreciate that for some, guys just come their way. But it’s not how it’s been for me. I know that I’m not *most* guys’ so-called ten, but even then…I can’t believe it’s all my outward appearance. Sure, the gay community is extremely shallow when it comes to physicality, but it can’t be all that. There must be something more to it than that.

And as far as confidence goes, my friends will often tell me that one of my problems professionally with colleagues is that I confidently present myself unapologetically, and that intimidates people. So I’m pretty sure projecting confidence isn’t my issue. I also don’t have a shabby wardrobe for going out…A guy my size can’t socially afford to look sloven lest we’re lock, stock, and barrel discounted.

@nycman– That’s not all I took from it, but you led with it. “Suck it up, buttercup” isn’t exactly an endearing way of saying, “I know it sucks, but have you tried ABC?” But something tells me you weren’t aiming to soften the blow…

I’m also not looking for escorts to solve the problem. I’m simply saying the only guys who’ve made me feel desirable were the ones I’ve paid to do that.

@MikeBiDude– Yeah, well…if I could afford a subscription on Seeking and the support for a SB, I probably would be also a lot more attractive to others who overlook me now too.

Out of curiosity, who here that’s offered “perspective” (not calling it advice) has had a guy approach them?

I'm really glad you aren't spiraling.  To answer your last question, I've never really been approached by anyone - unless it was in an obviously joking kind of way.   

[MscleLovr]

8 hours ago, xyz48B said:

Out of curiosity, who here that’s offered “perspective” (not calling it advice) has had a guy approach them?

That’s happened to me several times over the years @xyz48B
 

It was certainly the case with my current (much younger) partner and with 4 of my previous boyfriends/romances. I’m old now but this was mainly when I was in my 50s.
Guys have told me I’m a kind and interesting man. I’m confident and I have a wide range of interests. I ‘cured’ myself of shyness (at age 17) by making myself talk to everyone I met. Many people respond well and enjoy conversation.
 

My advice FWIW is to do voluntary work. Join and support charities and gay groups that interest you. I’ve met a lot of young people that way, and often being older is what interests them. They enjoy having an older man listen to them and take their opinions/ideas seriously. 
 

Also I really like the suggestion of a ‘killer wardrobe’ by @nycman and endorsed by @KrisParr. I know you said you “don’t have a shabby wardrobe for going out” but…would a good friend of yours (man or woman) honestly say that you dress stylishly?
Admittedly this is something I feel strongly about @xyz48B I’m old but I don’t want to be invisible, so I always dress smartly to leave the house. Over the years, I’ve had compliments (on the street and in restaurants) about how I’m dressed from straight men and women as well as gay men. Yet I have a friend of many years who complains along the lines that you do. He is rich but he will not spend money on himself. He wears clothes from years ago, even though his physical shape has changed. Despite my urging, he will not buy new smart clothes or even get a new bespoke suit made. He considers me to be extravagant as last year I had a new tuxedo made (tho I only go to maybe 6 black-tie dinners a year). 

[+ Pensant]

13 hours ago, KrisParr said:

Just have to comment - don’t ignore the suggestion of “killer wardrobe”.

I’ve always been a clothes horse. Mostly the NE opposed to the Southern prep look, which goes with my somewhat WASPy features. About ten years ago, I transitioned to what I call my post-preppy phase. No labels, more discreet custom-made shirts and sport coats. Now it’s slim or skinny fit jeans, cashmere sweaters and boots. More recently, after retiring early, I find myself wearing more Vouri and Lululemon, along with Arc’teryx fleeces and outdoor gear. I often get compliments from young guys (and women) so it works if you can pull it off. It’s led to some fun encounters. I also hang with a much younger crowd, so I don’t have the Boomer mentality. It’s a fine line between acting one’s physical and mental/spiritual age. 

[xyz48B]

Of my issues, clothing is really not the one that's the biggest. Given my size, it's difficult to get things from designer brands that fit. They simply don't make Armani in my size, for example. But I do shop for clothing at places like DXL etc. that particularly cater to larger guys. I'm aware of the nature and impact that clothing has on setting first impressions. I also enjoy good, nice clothing, so clothing isn't my issue. I have worn bespoke suits for years now and get my dress shirts made from a tailor and have since I was just out of high school. All this to say, again, clothing isn't the issue.

I do think that it's interesting that guys who've been approached without seeking it out are telling me how to deal with the feelings of undesirability from not being sought out. How can you relate?

I work in what might be considered a "social service" or "helping profession." Doing things with other people who value me as a person isn't the issue. I don't need more social groups to be part of and feel like I'm doing good with like-minded people. A gay group would potentially be advantageous only insofar as it's got LGBTQUIA+ folks in it, but so do gay bars and clubs, where you know guys go to cruise etc. A gay bookclub isn't a cruising spot. And, not to be the pessimist that I am, but why would I go to join a gay man's chorus only to make friends with someone who I do decide to approach, only to have him say to my like my best friend said to me years ago, "I could never date you; you're my best friend." Why would I go run the risk of affirming yet again, "You're a nice guy, just not the nice guy for me." If I had a nickel for everytime that someone - gay or straight - has said to me that any guy would be lucky to have me, I could attract any and all guys becuase they'd want a piece of my account...

I wasn't so much looking for solutions to my feelings. Sometimes you just share how you're feeling and don't necessarily want someone to rush in and solve the problem. Sometimes you just want someone to listen and identify...It doesn't matter what it is; someone has always got a solution or different (i.e. better) way of looking at the problem.

I can't possibly be the only one in this forum who feels this way or similarly.

[MscleLovr]

My view @xyz48B is that it would have been better to state in your original post…”I’m not looking for advice or helpful suggestions. I just want to vent”.
 

Then I and others would not have bothered to reply and tried to be of help.

I have one further observation - and I apologize in advance if you find it not helpful - but in this thread (and others where you’ve posted similarly) you are very detailed in describing what you feel you lack in your life and what you want/don’t want. I wonder if you are personally inflexible and too rigid in your thinking? Perhaps if you were more open to possibilities, you might find what you seek.

[xyz48B]

I don’t think feeling desirable or attractive and loved for who you is too much to ask.

See…the issue here isn’t that I can’t change things. The issue is that the proposed “solutions” is for me to do something. I’m not so stupid that I don’t know I can change things. But there are guys – apparently every one of them who’s replied to this thread, for example – who has be desirable or attractive with doing a damn thing. I’d like that for me once.

Hell, even here, on this forum, I feel ostracized or like an outsider. Expressing this confession as a venting was supposed to be cathartic and hopefully have support from folks who nominally share similar experiences as me. Commiserate perhaps.

@MscleLovr– I’m curious though what I’ve expressed on this forum that leads you think I’m to rigid in what I’m looking for. I’m not naive, stupid, or presumptuous enough to believe for a moment that the kind of guys I hire would even look at me, let alone consider me as boyfriend material. So if you’re basing your idea of my relationship expectations off my escort preferences, for which I pay, you’d have assumed incorrectly. I’m delusional enough to think I’m in any sort of “league” or otherwise for the kind of guys I pay…whether they escort or not. 

Edited February 3, 2022 by xyz48B

[Leyte2019]

On 2/2/2022 at 12:13 PM, xyz48B said:

The only guys who’ve made me feel at all desirable are escorts. And that’s because they’re paid for it.

I more than sometimes wonder what it must be like to have your Grindr blow up, to have guys flirt with you at the bar or wherever…

I’d like to bask in unprompted, unsolicited, unscheduled glory once.

When you're ordering a drink at the old fashioned hustler bar, fan your face with a few 50 dollar bills. You'll get all the unsolicited glory you want.

[+ nycman]

5 hours ago, xyz48B said:

How can you relate?

You’re right.

We can’t.

Peace out!

[xyz48B]

51 minutes ago, nycman said:

You’re right.

We can’t.

Peace out!

The ultracrepadarians love to offer unsolicited advice. Now if that could be translated into unsolicited attention from guys, that would be much, much more appreciated! 👍🏻 

Edited February 3, 2022 by xyz48B