Our dads.

[Merboy]

My father and I are very different people. He loves me and has come to slowly accept me, but it has just not been easy. He's a middle-aged, sports-crazed Italian-American guy from Brooklyn, New YAWWWK. Still, I am grateful to him for all he has done for me.

 

Please feel free to share any stories about you and your dad, or anecdotes. I'd love to hear them please.

[Merboy]

My father and I are very different people. He loves me and has come to slowly accept me, but it has just not been easy. He's a middle-aged, sports-crazed Italian-American guy from Brooklyn, New YAWWWK. Still, I am grateful to him for all he has done for me.

 

Please feel free to share any stories about you and your dad, or anecdotes. I'd love to hear them please.

[samhexum]

My father was born in 1907 and I was born in 1962. I probably have more in common with your father than I did with mine.

[samhexum]

My father was born in 1907 and I was born in 1962. I probably have more in common with your father than I did with mine.

[Merboy]

My father was born in 1907 and I was born in 1962. I probably have more in common with your father than I did with mine.

Oh wow... yeah my father was born in 1960.

[Merboy]

My father was born in 1907 and I was born in 1962. I probably have more in common with your father than I did with mine.

Oh wow... yeah my father was born in 1960.

[David1024]

A son’s relationship with his father can be quite complex. My dad died when I was in my early 20’s. Our relationship was sometimes distant, and I never really felt much closeness. He never knew about my sexuality, but would likely have struggled with it. Based on my memories I think he had bipolar disorder. As I have dealt with my own mental health issues in my adult life, I feel more empathy for him now than I did as a kid or a teenager, as he probably suffered a lot of pain without getting any help. An astrologer once told me “you are more like your father than you realize”. Possibly true, but sadly, too late to find out.

[David1024]

A son’s relationship with his father can be quite complex. My dad died when I was in my early 20’s. Our relationship was sometimes distant, and I never really felt much closeness. He never knew about my sexuality, but would likely have struggled with it. Based on my memories I think he had bipolar disorder. As I have dealt with my own mental health issues in my adult life, I feel more empathy for him now than I did as a kid or a teenager, as he probably suffered a lot of pain without getting any help. An astrologer once told me “you are more like your father than you realize”. Possibly true, but sadly, too late to find out.

[Merboy]

A son’s relationship with his father can be quite complex. My dad died when I was in my early 20’s. Our relationship was sometimes distant, and I never really felt much closeness. He never knew about my sexuality, but would likely have struggled with it. Based on my memories I think he had bipolar disorder. As I have dealt with my own mental health issues in my adult life, I feel more empathy for him now than I did as a kid or a teenager, as he probably suffered a lot of pain without getting any help. An astrologer once told me “you are more like your father than you realize”. Possibly true, but sadly, too late to find out.

Oh my relationship with mine is certainly complex. We're at a point I feel where we are worn out from so much. It's been a long, hard ride, and it's not over yet. In fact it's just really beginning, even though he's now 60 years old. I never got to tell my mother about myself, but maybe she knew in a way. My father has been the dominant parent in my life by now and he can be very controlling at times - he's cranky at times. It all depends on the day and the mood he's in. I think I share some things with my father... I am sorry your dad died so young, David1024. I lost a parent very young as well.

[Merboy]

A son’s relationship with his father can be quite complex. My dad died when I was in my early 20’s. Our relationship was sometimes distant, and I never really felt much closeness. He never knew about my sexuality, but would likely have struggled with it. Based on my memories I think he had bipolar disorder. As I have dealt with my own mental health issues in my adult life, I feel more empathy for him now than I did as a kid or a teenager, as he probably suffered a lot of pain without getting any help. An astrologer once told me “you are more like your father than you realize”. Possibly true, but sadly, too late to find out.

Oh my relationship with mine is certainly complex. We're at a point I feel where we are worn out from so much. It's been a long, hard ride, and it's not over yet. In fact it's just really beginning, even though he's now 60 years old. I never got to tell my mother about myself, but maybe she knew in a way. My father has been the dominant parent in my life by now and he can be very controlling at times - he's cranky at times. It all depends on the day and the mood he's in. I think I share some things with my father... I am sorry your dad died so young, David1024. I lost a parent very young as well.

[+ WilliamM]

My dad came home for lunch and died of a massage heart attack when I was 16, and my brother was only 10.Our mom lived 40 years longer.

 

I remember all the baseball and basketball games we went to in Boston. Fun. And the previous Spring, he greatly helped me with geometry. I still miss. Him a lot. I always hoped we would have many adventures when he retired.

Edited January 26, 2021 by WilliamM

[+ WilliamM]

My dad came home for lunch and died of a massage heart attack when I was 16, and my brother was only 10.Our mom lived 40 years longer.

 

I remember all the baseball and basketball games we went to in Boston. Fun. And the previous Spring, he greatly helped me with geometry. I still miss. Him a lot. I always hoped we would have many adventures when he retired.

Edited January 26, 2021 by WilliamM

[bookmaven]

My father was a raging alcoholic with an 8th grade education and six children to provide for. And I use the term "raging" advisedly. His alcoholic behavior included beatings with his belt. Five of his six children were boys, and I am the lucky one who became a "Jr." I am also the only gay child and was a constant disappointment to him (I hated hunting and fishing, his passion...and was dreadful at sports). I compensated by becoming a great student, and was lucky enough to get a free ride from the day I arrived at college, until I walked out with a PhD 11 years later, which was a great relief because I didn't have to ask him for a dime. He "couldn't get a ticket" to attend my graduation, which was an immense relief. I did not grieve the day he died.

 

Working hard with several therapists over the years, I have struggled to forgive him for my childhood. I cannot.

 

On a more positive note, I got sober myself 30 years ago, and have made a comfortable, enjoyable life for myself.. surrounded by friends, teaching (which I mostly loved, until millennials began to arrive in classrooms), and sufficient resources to do the things I enjoy. I learned long ago that it's never to late to have a happy childhood, but it continues to be a process. None of us is getting out of this alive, so I believe the best we can do is enjoy and enrich the journey.

[KrisParr]

My dad is in his early 70s, looks like he’s 50 and can out run, out dribble, and out play me at just about anything. He was a professor/coach at a number of schools for 45 years and is the coolest guy I’ve ever known. My brothers were all-star jocks, and although I played sports, Mom’s music/drama genes came through much stronger. I think he always knew that I was “different” and when I finally came out, I got a bear-hug from him, and life went on like nothing changed. Yeah, he occasionally would tease me a bit, and I just gave it right back to him. If anyone ever says/said anything about my sexuality, he’d be the first to step in. I don’t think he’d ever hurt somebody, but trust me, you wouldn’t want to mess with him. I appreciate him so much and my heart goes out to those who’ve struggled with their father/son relationships.

[+ keroscenefire]

I am very different from my dad, but he still loves me and is in some ways proud of me for those differences. My dad is dyslexic and very bad at school, dropping out of high school and joining the army. But he is very talented with his hands and would much rather fix or make something than buy it. He very much wanted me to follow in his footsteps and be handy and constantly had me be his little helper as a kid even though I basically hated it. To this day, I'm pretty clumsy and not at all handy.

 

But I did really well in school, got a Master's degree and actually have had some of my writing published in various forms. The last one in particular made my dad really proud because he has difficulty even writing a complete sentence.

 

I love my dad and am really close to him. He had a heart attack last year and I have made an effort to go on walks with him a couple times a month so we can catch up and he can get his cardiovascular fitness up.

Edited January 26, 2021 by keroscenefire

[Luv2play]

My dad is in his early 70s, looks like he’s 50 and can out run, out dribble, and out play me at just about anything. He was a professor/coach at a number of schools for 45 years and is the coolest guy I’ve ever known. My brothers were all-star jocks, and although I played sports, Mom’s music/drama genes came through much stronger. I think he always knew that I was “different” and when I finally came out, I got a bear-hug from him, and life went on like nothing changed. Yeah, he occasionally would tease me a bit, and I just gave it right back to him. If anyone ever says/said anything about my sexuality, he’d be the first to step in. I don’t think he’d ever hurt somebody, but trust me, you wouldn’t want to mess with him. I appreciate him so much and my heart goes out to those who’ve struggled with their father/son relationships.

I was in my thirties when I came out to my dad after my mom had passed away. All he said was “It must be difficult for you” but he was always supportive of me and treated me like my two other brothers who are straight. He lived another 25 years and never changed. Anything he did for the others, he did for me as well. He was a great dad and gave me many advantages in life but the greatest was unconditional love.

[Merboy]

Wow - These are heartfelt, poignant stories fellas! thank you for sharing.

[dbar123]

My dad died when I was 21. I am doing my best to stay healthy to be around for my own son who will turn 30 in a few months

[dentjusay]

My dad was born in El Salvador in the 70's and immigrated here as a teen. I grew up with a great family and we are all close. Although we basically get along and agree on most things in life (politics, morals, etc.), he just doesn't understand anyone who isn't straight.

 

I'm closeted and my brother is straight. I have a feeling that my parents might have an inkling that I'm gay for 2 reasons. He once told me that he would kill himself if I was gay and second, my brother has a history of relationships with girls while I do not.

 

My father loves hearing/making jokes about lgbtq+ people and is utterly disgusted when anything of the matter is represented in movies/tv. He even thinks soy products can "turn" men gay or feminine...so he avoids tofu and soy milk at all costs. His persona is very macho and will always comment on an attractive lady on tv. To be so homophobic makes me think he might be covering up his own true feelings in a way, but I'm not sure.

 

The older I get, the more I think about how I would tell my parents or if I ever should. Maybe I never have to since I'm ok with not settling down and just having fwb's. They want me to have kids and a family, but I just want to be happy.

[+ poolboy48220]

My mother died about 8 years ago, starting the first time my father (80 at the time) had ever lived alone. He moved into a retirement community about 3 years ago. He's had problems with memory since before Mom died; dealing with him is difficult.

[Merboy]

My dad was born in El Salvador in the 70's and immigrated here as a teen. I grew up with a great family and we are all close. Although we basically get along and agree on most things in life (politics, morals, etc.), he just doesn't understand anyone who isn't straight.

 

I'm closeted and my brother is straight. I have a feeling that my parents might have an inkling that I'm gay for 2 reasons. He once told me that he would kill himself if I was gay and second, my brother has a history of relationships with girls while I do not.

 

My father loves hearing/making jokes about lgbtq+ people and is utterly disgusted when anything of the matter is represented in movies/tv. He even thinks soy products can "turn" men gay or feminine...so he avoids tofu and soy milk at all costs. His persona is very macho and will always comment on an attractive lady on tv. To be so homophobic makes me think he might be covering up his own true feelings in a way, but I'm not sure.

 

The older I get, the more I think about how I would tell my parents or if I ever should. Maybe I never have to since I'm ok with not settling down and just having fwb's. They want me to have kids and a family, but I just want to be happy.

awww I can really relate to that in a little way, but that must be awfully hard to deal with. I think it's so important to come out but it's just not easy.

[+ Charlie]

My father and I were very different from one another in many ways, yet we liked and understood one another. He dropped out of school at 16, and had a variety of jobs, mostly white collar or blue collar; I have three degrees and was a tenured college professor by the time I was 28. But we both approached problems with the same kind of engineering mindset. I have much more money than he ever had, but I am financially conservative and frugal in the same ways that he was. He was born in the Eastern Time Zone and left it only once in his life, for a weekend in Milwaukee; I love travel and have been all over the world, including living and working in other countries. He was outgoing and made friends easily; I was very shy when I was younger, but managed to overcome that. He was quietly religious and I was a quiet non-believer. He was family-oriented; I was 'gay community' oriented. He rarely read anything more challenging than the New York Daily News, and I majored in English literature. Our tastes in music and art were different. He voted for Barry Goldwater; I voted for Lyndon Johnson. He enjoyed sports activities all his life; I worked out at a gym until I was middle-aged, solely to stay in shape for sex, and then took up tennis. He was honest, loyal, kind, considerate, organized and responsible, and I always wanted to be like him in those ways.

 

I came out to my father when I was 19. He was not happy about it, but he tried to be understanding (after all, he had long realized that I was going to be "different" from him). I think he was conditioned by the fact that his favorite male cousin, whom he had grown up with, was gay, and the whole extended family had tacitly accepted that fact for years, since Fred wasn't a flaming queen but a 'normal'-looking guy who lived with his widowed mother rather than with his male partner, who was nevertheless included in family activities. Once I was established in a respectable career, Dad could accept that I might have the same kind of settled life as Fred, even though I was openly gay and lived with my partner, whom he liked. When he was dying, his main concern was what would happen to my mother, and was relieved when I assured him that I would take care of her just as Fred had taken care of Aunt Minnie. He has been dead for many years, but I still think about him often.

[Merboy]

aw

My father and I were very different from one another in many ways, yet we liked and understood one another. He dropped out of school at 16, and had a variety of jobs, mostly white collar or blue collar; I have three degrees and was a tenured college professor by the time I was 28. But we both approached problems with the same kind of engineering mindset. I have much more money than he ever had, but I am financially conservative and frugal in the same ways that he was. He was born in the Eastern Time Zone and left it only once in his life, for a weekend in Milwaukee; I love travel and have been all over the world, including living and working in other countries. He was outgoing and made friends easily; I was very shy when I was younger, but managed to overcome that. He was quietly religious and I was a quiet non-believer. He was family-oriented; I was 'gay community' oriented. He rarely read anything more challenging than the New York Daily News, and I majored in English literature. Our tastes in music and art were different. He voted for Barry Goldwater; I voted for Lyndon Johnson. He enjoyed sports activities all his life; I worked out at a gym until I was middle-aged, solely to stay in shape for sex, and then took up tennis. He was honest, loyal, kind, considerate, organized and responsible, and I always wanted to be like him in those ways.

 

I came out to my father when I was 19. He was not happy about it, but he tried to be understanding (after all, he had long realized that I was going to be "different" from him). I think he was conditioned by the fact that his favorite male cousin, whom he had grown up with, was gay, and the whole extended family had tacitly accepted that fact for years, since Fred wasn't a flaming queen but a 'normal'-looking guy who lived with his widowed mother rather than with his male partner, who was nevertheless included in family activities. Once I was established in a respectable career, Dad could accept that I might have the same kind of settled life as Fred, even though I was openly gay and lived with my partner, whom he liked. When he was dying, his main concern was what would happen to my mother, and was relieved when I assured him that I would take care of her just as Fred had taken care of Aunt Minnie. He has been dead for many years, but I still think about him often.

My father and I were very different from one another in many ways, yet we liked and understood one another. He dropped out of school at 16, and had a variety of jobs, mostly white collar or blue collar; I have three degrees and was a tenured college professor by the time I was 28. But we both approached problems with the same kind of engineering mindset. I have much more money than he ever had, but I am financially conservative and frugal in the same ways that he was. He was born in the Eastern Time Zone and left it only once in his life, for a weekend in Milwaukee; I love travel and have been all over the world, including living and working in other countries. He was outgoing and made friends easily; I was very shy when I was younger, but managed to overcome that. He was quietly religious and I was a quiet non-believer. He was family-oriented; I was 'gay community' oriented. He rarely read anything more challenging than the New York Daily News, and I majored in English literature. Our tastes in music and art were different. He voted for Barry Goldwater; I voted for Lyndon Johnson. He enjoyed sports activities all his life; I worked out at a gym until I was middle-aged, solely to stay in shape for sex, and then took up tennis. He was honest, loyal, kind, considerate, organized and responsible, and I always wanted to be like him in those ways.

 

I came out to my father when I was 19. He was not happy about it, but he tried to be understanding (after all, he had long realized that I was going to be "different" from him). I think he was conditioned by the fact that his favorite male cousin, whom he had grown up with, was gay, and the whole extended family had tacitly accepted that fact for years, since Fred wasn't a flaming queen but a 'normal'-looking guy who lived with his widowed mother rather than with his male partner, who was nevertheless included in family activities. Once I was established in a respectable career, Dad could accept that I might have the same kind of settled life as Fred, even though I was openly gay and lived with my partner, whom he liked. When he was dying, his main concern was what would happen to my mother, and was relieved when I assured him that I would take care of her just as Fred had taken care of Aunt Minnie. He has been dead for many years, but I still think about him often.

Thanks for sharing that story! 19 - meaning you came out before Stonewall then! That's incredible! Courageous young guy you must have been.

 

He voted for Barry Goldwater; I voted for Lyndon Johnson

I proudly voted for Hillary Rodham Clinton, my dad not really that proudly voted for Donald Trump. What was the 1964 election like when the both of you watched it on TV? Did you talk about gay rights issues at all and if so what were those conversations like?

[+ Charlie]

By the time of the 1964 election, I was not living at home, so we didn't watch it on tv or talk about it much. As often happens between generations, my father was more politically conservative than my grandfather, who had been very active in the progressive wing of the GOP (he was a protege of Teddy Roosevelt), while I was more liberal than my father. As for gay rights, it was not a subject that my father would have been comfortable discussing, so I didn't push him; he was OK with me being gay, as long as he didn't have to talk about it. He would have been very worried for me if he had known how involved I was in the gay rights movement before Stonewall.

[Merboy]

By the time of the 1964 election, I was not living at home, so we didn't watch it on tv or talk about it much. As often happens between generations, my father was more politically conservative than my grandfather, who had been very active in the progressive wing of the GOP (he was a protege of Teddy Roosevelt), while I was more liberal than my father. As for gay rights, it was not a subject that my father would have been comfortable discussing, so I didn't push him; he was OK with me being gay, as long as he didn't have to talk about it. He would have been very worried for me if he had known how involved I was in the gay rights movement before Stonewall.

Wow you should definitely write a book! Sounds like a fascinating life story