Should I tell my coworker I have a crush on him?

[+ BenjaminNicholas]

Now I wear colors and patterns to the office that I would only wear at social functions.).

 

I fondly remember the day you went into the office in nothing but a gold lamé thong.

 

It was hell for HR, but I knew it was your personal Norma Rae moment.

[Chad Constantine]

I just moved to a new city for my new job. I have been working there for about 4 months. One of my coworkers sits near me is REALLY CUTE. He plays hockey but he is not over strong but lean. Personally I think he is easy to talk to. We have been having some small coffee chats at the office and he has been recommending TV shows or movie he likes.

 

I just found out he is gay because I saw his Grindr profile when I was at my home. We were only 2000 feet away. His relationship status is single in grindr. I know that we live in different neighborhoods so he probably was hooking up with someone near me. So now I am not sure if I should talk him that I am gay and I kinda like him. I am afraid that if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker.

 

What's more, I wanna make some gay friends and get into the gay circles in this new city. He could be a good entry point instead of just hooking up with random guys in grindr. Could anyone provide me some suggestions if I want to tell him or ask him out, what should I say? or how to avoid awkwardness if he doesn't like me at all?

 

This is #metoo era you best protect yourself before you wreck yourself especially from these woke pussyhat wearing guys. You cant say hello to some people now so just be careful. Go find someone else to be gay friends with before you wind up out of work or paying law bills like all these celebs for sexual harassment. Not sure where your living now but have ya heard of a bar or do meetup if you need to find some gay friends.

Edited August 31, 2019 by Chad Constantine

[David1024]

I would definitely make some sort of move, but start out in more of a platonic, social manner (lunch, drinks, go for a hike, etc.) and establish a friendship first.

 

Then, as soon as the relationship starts becoming romantic, you have to stop and have the conversation about how you could make it work, without jeopardizing your jobs or co-worker relationship. If there’s trust and common goals and values between you, then you can make it work. If not, best to just stay friends. It’s harder to go back and talk about it once you’re in too deep. ?

[+ Reisr30]

I would never date someone at work. It’s a nightmare waiting to happen if things go south and that’s irrespective of your sexual orientation. I keep my work life and personal life separate and that’s worked well for me...

 

Oh to clarify I don’t mean staying in the closet at work; I whole heartily agree with being yourself at work. What I mean is sharing personal details about your love life or dating people at work. Maybe I have had to take too many sexual harrassment prevention classes but some co-workers can be out to do anything they can to move ahead and that means running over or throwing anyone under the bus. Maybe I’m jaded but people can be vile...

Edited August 31, 2019 by Reisr30

[Guest]

...Work life is truly better if you can bring your entire self to the office and not try to hide any aspects of it...

 

I agree wholeheartedly with this advice. Your work is a huge part of your life, and staying in the closet takes a whole lot of emotional energy, separates you from your peers (when you can't share your lives), and in addition makes you look somewhat foolish to others. There was this man where I work (he recently left) who's in his late 30s, was never married, never shared anything about his life outside work, and who everyone suspected was gay. People would talk behind his back about how silly he was (especially since there are many openly gay and lesbian coworkers at my workplace).

Of course, he has the right to keep his life outside of work private. However, his keeping his obvious "secret" resulted in less respect for his integrity and intelligence in the minds of many. I'm not sure why the OP feels uncomfortable coming out at work. If he works at an organization where gays are frowned upon, such as the Mormon Church, I would suggest he find work elsewhere. There are tons of gay-friendly workplaces, and you will far more likely live happier and probably longer if you can feel comfortable at work. Here are some websites where one can find gay-friendly employers:

https://www.monster.com/career-advice/article/best-companies-lgbt-0617

 

https://www.glassdoor.com/blog/companies-lgbtq-equality/

 

https://www.hrc.org/blog/hrc-releases-corporate-equality-index-with-571-top-us-companies-earning-100

[+ WilliamM]

@Unicorn, I takes a lot of bull crap to tell someone else to find another job. You know absolutely nothing about his financial situation, or how difficult it may have been to land this new job.

[+ purplekow]

I have had several co-workers who others assumed were gay, based on criteria such as being a life long bachelor. In at least one of these cases, the person confided in me that although he was not gay, he felt pressured to "come out" because he was aware of the inordinate interest people had regarding his life. He told me, in fact that he was having a long term affair with the wife of one of our fellow employees. Sort of ironic that the man whose wife was having an affair, was one of the more vociferous gossipers about the assumed sexual oritentation of this co worker.

Come out at work or don't. People are going to talk one way or the other. If you are new to town and want gay friends, you will not find them in your closet.

[Guest]

@Unicorn, I takes a lot of bull crap to tell someone else to find another job. You know absolutely nothing about his financial situation, or how difficult it may have been to land this new job.

I gave him what I certainly believe to be very good advice, and I don't appreciate being told that this is "bull crap." You entered the workforce many decades ago, and things have changed a lot since then. There are lots of gay-friendly places to work now, Fortune 500 companies and otherwise, and I provided resources to help in finding such work. Staying in the closet take a toll on emotional and physical health, and there are enough jobs out there that working in a hostile environment is rarely a necessity. Even when I was entering the workforce, a couple of decades after you, finding gay-friendly workplaces was more difficult than it is now, but I preferred taking a small financial hit in order to preserve my self-dignity.

 

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/coming-out-of-the-closet-may-be-good-for-your-health-7400182/

 

https://www.outsmartmagazine.com/2016/03/staying-in-the-closet-5-ways-you-damage-your-mental-physical-health/

 

Obviously, my advice is there for the OP to take or reject. There may be something unique about his situation. However, my advice is certainly not "bull crap." I'd just hate to see the OP grow up to be a bitter old queen.

[Gadfly22]

People probably assume you are gay. It would be unusual for a modern workplace to be that clueless.

 

There is a great movie that spoofs this brilliantly. In Coffee Date (https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Coffee_Date) the protagonist works in an office with a bunch of gossipy women, all of whom think he is gay. The plot has a number of twists that I won't go into but at one point he gets so frustrated that he yells "DOESN'T ANYONE IN THIS OFFICE HAVE ANYTHING BETTER TO DO THAN DISCUSS MY SEX LIFE?!?!" Hilarious! Highly recommended.

[+ WilliamM]

I gave him what I certainly believe to be very good advice, and I don't appreciate being told that this is "bull crap." You entered the workforce many decades ago, and things have changed a lot since then. There are lots of gay-friendly places to work now, Fortune 500 companies and otherwise, and I provided resources to help in finding such work. Staying in the closet take a toll on emotional and physical health, and there are enough jobs out there that working in a hostile environment is rarely a necessity. Even when I was entering the workforce, a couple of decades after you, finding gay-friendly workplaces was more difficult than it is now, but I preferred taking a small financial hit in order to preserve my self-dignity.

 

https://www.smithsonianmag.com/science-nature/coming-out-of-the-closet-may-be-good-for-your-health-7400182/

 

https://www.outsmartmagazine.com/2016/03/staying-in-the-closet-5-ways-you-damage-your-mental-physical-health/

 

Obviously, my advice is there for the OP to take or reject. There may be something unique about his situation. However, my advice is certainly not "bull crap." I'd just hate to see the OP grow up to be a bitter old queen.

 

We do not disagree about staying in the closet, rather your suggestion he find another job.

 

He just started this job, and moved to a new city for the job. @Unicorn, mentioning a Fortune 500 company goes with your showing photos of houses you might buy.

Edited August 31, 2019 by WilliamM

[Monarchy79]

I just moved to a new city for my new job. I have been working there for about 4 months. One of my coworkers sits near me is REALLY CUTE. He plays hockey but he is not over strong but lean. Personally I think he is easy to talk to. We have been having some small coffee chats at the office and he has been recommending TV shows or movie he likes.

 

I just found out he is gay because I saw his Grindr profile when I was at my home. We were only 2000 feet away. His relationship status is single in grindr. I know that we live in different neighborhoods so he probably was hooking up with someone near me. So now I am not sure if I should talk him that I am gay and I kinda like him. I am afraid that if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker.

 

What's more, I wanna make some gay friends and get into the gay circles in this new city. He could be a good entry point instead of just hooking up with random guys in grindr. Could anyone provide me some suggestions if I want to tell him or ask him out, what should I say? or how to avoid awkwardness if he doesn't like me at all?

 

 

A wise old man once told me the following:

 

“A dog never shits where he eats... and neither should you”.

 

Keep work and personal life separate.

And by all means, never let co-workers into any of your personal business.

[+ E.T.Bass]

I WANNA HEAR IT!!! Just say it man.

 

 

I don't think anyone in the company knows that I am gay. But most people know he is gay and I am not sure if I tell him I am gay, he could spread the words and it might make me embarrassed.

 

The chances he feels the same about you are slim. That's life. Being closeted can make life awkward for sure. Having sex with someone at work can be tricky.

 

How do you know he plays hockey? Have you asked him about his hockey team? Is it something you're interested in attending?

 

If not, what kind of groundwork are you doing to make things possible, because just telling a coworker out of the blue you have a crush on him will be uncomfortable for him. Telling a coworker you saw him on Grindr would be awkward, bordering on weird for him.

 

I like your idea of expanding your circle of friends. You deserve a circle of friends so work on it. Maybe he needs more friends as well, more than just a life of hooking up with strangers on Grindr.

Edited August 31, 2019 by E.T.Bass

[Guest]

We do not disagree about staying in the closet, rather your suggestion he find another job.

 

He just started this job, and moved to a new city for the job. @Unicorn, mentioning a Fortune 500 company goes with your showing photos of houses you might buy.

 

We're at full employment in the US, so for most people getting another job should not be terribly difficult (although, again, it's certainly possible that the OP is in an unusual situation). I don't know what you're trying to imply by your Fortune 500 comment. What I was trying to imply is that welcoming job opportunities now exist in a great number, probably most by now, large companies. I'm not employed by a Fortune 500 company myself. Also, there are a lot of welcoming smaller employers as well.

[RealAvalon]

A wise old man once told me the following:

 

“A dog never shits where he eats... and neither should you”.

 

Keep work and personal life separate.

And by all means, never let co-workers into any of your personal business.

This comment strikes me as depressing. I can't imagine choosing to live such a siloed closeted existence.

Edited September 1, 2019 by RealAvalon

[+ WilliamM]

We're at full employment in the US, so for most people getting another job should not be terribly difficult (although, again, it's certainly possible that the OP is in an unusual situation). I don't know what you're trying to imply by your Fortune 500 comment. What I was trying to imply is that welcoming job opportunities now exist in a great number, probably most by now, large companies. I'm not employed by a Fortune 500 company myself. Also, there are a lot of welcoming smaller employers as well.

 

When I was discharged from the Army in June, 1969 after flying from Saigon to Oakland, California, that is what people said to me. I turned down the first job because it was with the Managing Director of Philadelphia. I have passesd a civil service exam so I guessed I would be offered another job

 

I did agree on the second job because it had no politcal feel. I worked in a super market in Natick, Massachusetts for three months before I had the second job offer.

[+ friendofsheila]

Wow, Sammmm, you just got a whole pantload of advice. I'll be interested to hear where you take this!

[+ friendofsheila]

I would definitely make some sort of move, but start out in more of a platonic, social manner (lunch, drinks, go for a hike, etc.) and establish a friendship first.

 

Then, as soon as the relationship starts becoming romantic, you have to stop and have the conversation about how you could make it work, without jeopardizing your jobs or co-worker relationship. If there’s trust and common goals and values between you, then you can make it work. If not, best to just stay friends. It’s harder to go back and talk about it once you’re in too deep. ?

 

Communication! Best advice yet.

[rvwnsd]

@Unicorn, I takes a lot of bull crap to tell someone else to find another job. You know absolutely nothing about his financial situation, or how difficult it may have been to land this new job.

If the OP's colleagues openly displayed knives or firearms at work, we all would be telling him to find other employment. Non-tangible weapons such as homophobia are every bit as harmful as tangible ones. I agree with @Unicorn. If anyone feels uncomfortable with being themselves at work they need to start looking for another job at another firm. No one, including @Unicorn, is suggesting the OP quit his job Tuesday. One can remain employed while looking for employment elsewhere.

 

On the other hand

I don't understand all this whinging about meeting someone at work. Isn't it super common amongst your straight friends and family? Without thinking about it much I can think of 10 couples that met at work. (School is the other big one for meeting.)...

In the last ten years, not many. Certainly I know colleagues who hang out after work, but even that is becoming more rare because creating the illusion that there is an "in crowd" is often considered a form of workplace discrimination. This isn't "me too." It is common sense.

 

...There's no separate set of rules for gays and lesbians, that we have to be neutered and asexual at work. (And obviously I'm not talking about having sex at work, or other inappropriate or harassing behavior.)

Actually, every HR professional I know advises people to be asexual at work, regardless their sexual orientation. If you take an anti-harassment course you will find that leering, gestures, sexual innuendo, racy jokes, and giving unwanted compliments of a non-work nature are all prohibited. Making unwanted advances on someone in the workplace (whether they are of the same or opposite gender) is considered to be harassing behavior, particularly when there is a suggestion of quid pro quo.

[+ WilliamM]

If the OP's colleagues openly displayed knives or firearms at work, we all would be telling him to find other employment. Non-tangible weapons such as homophobia are every bit as harmful as tangible ones. I agree with @Unicorn. If anyone feels uncomfortable with being themselves at work they need to start looking for another job at another firm. No one, including @Unicorn, is suggesting the OP quit his job Tuesday. One can remain employed while looking for employment elsewhere.

 

On the other hand

 

In the last ten years, not many. Certainly I know colleagues who hang out after work, but even that is becoming more rare because creating the illusion that there is an "in crowd" is often considered a form of workplace discrimination. This isn't "me too." It is common sense.

 

 

Actually, every HR professional I know advises people to be asexual at work, regardless their sexual orientation. If you take an anti-harassment course you will find that leering, gestures, sexual innuendo, racy jokes, and giving unwanted compliments of a non-work nature are all prohibited. Making unwanted advances on someone in the workplace (whether they are of the same or opposite gender) is considered to be harassing behavior, particularly when there is a suggestion of quid pro quo.

 

This guy just started a job and moved to a new city. Why would he start looking for a new job so soon?

 

I wasn't out when I was drafted in 1967. But I didn't care if someone asked if I was gay. My dad died when I was 16. He served in World War Two.

 

Now I am glad I did not attempt to get out of the Army. I learned a lot about bullies and I also have many VA benefits.

[Monarchy79]

This comment strikes me as depressing. I can't imagine choosing to live such a siloed closeted existence.

 

My statement is totally unrelated to sexual orientation.

 

The wise old man who told me “not to shit where I eat”, was my straight grandfather.

 

Mixing business and personal leads to problems.... traditionally with men who sleep with their female coworkers or subordinates.

 

This isn’t about being in or out of the closet. My point is about having a clean portfolio of a reputation at work, and focusing on career without getting it intertwined with personal matters.

Edited September 1, 2019 by Monarchy79

[RealAvalon]

Actually, every HR professional I know advises people to be asexual at work, regardless their sexual orientation. If you take an anti-harassment course you will find that leering, gestures, sexual innuendo, racy jokes, and giving unwanted compliments of a non-work nature are all prohibited. Making unwanted advances on someone in the workplace (whether they are of the same or opposite gender) is considered to be harassing behavior, particularly when there is a suggestion of quid pro quo.

Yes, I agree with most of that, and it amplifies what I said before with "obviously I'm not talking about having sex at work, or other inappropriate or harassing behaviors." (Although I expect it would be 'repeated' unwanted compliments.) As the Director of a facility with over 60+ staff, interpersonal issues are a constant I deal with.

 

Meeting at work remains extremely common amongst future romantic partners, yes, even today. Work is still the biggest part of many people's social lives, think of that what you will. I've come to believe, it's why so many heart attacks occur amongst men soon after retirement. The stress of having no daily routine and the loss of a major part of their social outlet.

 

But, perhaps I wasn't clear with my "not being asexual/neutered" at work comment. I thought I was picking up on some trepidation about being 'out' at work. (They ALL know we are gay anyway.)

Edited September 1, 2019 by RealAvalon

[Monarchy79]

If the OP's colleagues openly displayed knives or firearms at work, we all would be telling him to find other employment. Non-tangible weapons such as homophobia are every bit as harmful as tangible ones. I agree with @Unicorn. If anyone feels uncomfortable with being themselves at work they need to start looking for another job at another firm. No one, including @Unicorn, is suggesting the OP quit his job Tuesday. One can remain employed while looking for employment elsewhere.

 

On the other hand

 

In the last ten years, not many. Certainly I know colleagues who hang out after work, but even that is becoming more rare because creating the illusion that there is an "in crowd" is often considered a form of workplace discrimination. This isn't "me too." It is common sense.

 

 

Actually, every HR professional I know advises people to be asexual at work, regardless their sexual orientation. If you take an anti-harassment course you will find that leering, gestures, sexual innuendo, racy jokes, and giving unwanted compliments of a non-work nature are all prohibited. Making unwanted advances on someone in the workplace (whether they are of the same or opposite gender) is considered to be harassing behavior, particularly when there is a suggestion of quid pro quo.

 

This is why telecommuting is best..

1.) focus on work

3.) stay out of the trouble of intermingling those “social pitfalls”

[Bargara Leatherboy]

I worked for a start up telco many years ago, one of my co-workers a very attractive Greek boy, not very nice on the inside, was balancing two affairs. One with a female co-worker and one with our female centre manager.

 

Bit of conflict between the two competing woman.

 

He got fast tracked to promotion, HR stepped in and said he had to move to another department, as he could not report to his female lover anymore.

 

It did not ruin his career , he still works for that company 26 years later in a very senior role, she got side stepped and dumped, and due to her reputation as a cougar, found her employment opportunities very limited.

 

Sydney can be a small town despite its 4 million residents.

 

He should have suffered the same consequence, but in a chauvinest society he did not.

 

A good reason not to get involved.

 

Everyone in the company knew and it's still talked about today.

[+ nycman]

As I tell every young employee that works for me.....

 

“There are 7 1/2 Billion people in this world.......find one that doesn’t work in this building to fuck”

[RealAvalon]

I don't get the almost extreme reaction to work being a friendly open place to make social connections, that sometimes, can turn into something more serious. It happens all the time with my straight friends. All the time. I just can't see buying into a double standard for 'the gays'.

Edited September 4, 2019 by RealAvalon