Should I tell my coworker I have a crush on him?

[Sammmmm]

I just moved to a new city for my new job. I have been working there for about 4 months. One of my coworkers sits near me is REALLY CUTE. He plays hockey but he is not over strong but lean. Personally I think he is easy to talk to. We have been having some small coffee chats at the office and he has been recommending TV shows or movie he likes.

 

I just found out he is gay because I saw his Grindr profile when I was at my home. We were only 2000 feet away. His relationship status is single in grindr. I know that we live in different neighborhoods so he probably was hooking up with someone near me. So now I am not sure if I should talk him that I am gay and I kinda like him. I am afraid that if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker.

 

What's more, I wanna make some gay friends and get into the gay circles in this new city. He could be a good entry point instead of just hooking up with random guys in grindr. Could anyone provide me some suggestions if I want to tell him or ask him out, what should I say? or how to avoid awkwardness if he doesn't like me at all?

[+ keroscenefire]

I think the latter tactic is going to be more successful. Don't specifically ask for a date, but you could ask him some recommendations for bars or restaurants. Maybe Google a gay bar and ask if he likes that one in particular to let him know you're gay. Suggest doing a happy hour with other co-workers at a nearby bar. If there is chemistry, then you can act on it.

 

In most cases, there are no specific rules about dating a co-worker unless one person is a subordinate to the other and then there could be questions of sexual harassment and favoritism involved. But do realize that if it doesn't work out it can be awkward in the workplace. And you might want to ask HR about the specific policies if you're concerned.

 

You should just start with trying to see if he wants to be friends...definitely in the vein of you're new to the city and would like to check out the scene a little bit. He may not want to pursue anything with a co-worker either but if that's the case you may still have a new friend who might have some hot friends that he can introduce you to.

[rvwnsd]

...if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker....

This is why most companies discourage dating among colleagues.

 

Here's what I think. Keep your crush to yourself. Get to know him and see if he is someone you would like to be friends with. At the same time, make connections on your own. You don't want to pin all your hopes of finding friends on this guy. Also, keep the grindr thing to yourself. That could also make for friction between the two and, IMO, crosses a line.

 

Lastly, it is hard for me to address whether you should tell him you are gay. I came out 22 years ago. I told people who I already knew, but from that point forward I just lived as an out gay man. When discussing what I did on weekends with colleagues I tell them where I went and what I did. No, I don't tell them that I had great sex with a guy I met on grindr, but at the same time my colleagues (gay and straight) don't tell me about their hookups, either.

[marylander1940]

I just moved to a new city for my new job. I have been working there for about 4 months. One of my coworkers sits near me is REALLY CUTE. He plays hockey but he is not over strong but lean. Personally I think he is easy to talk to. We have been having some small coffee chats at the office and he has been recommending TV shows or movie he likes.

 

I just found out he is gay because I saw his Grindr profile when I was at my home. We were only 2000 feet away. His relationship status is single in grindr. I know that we live in different neighborhoods so he probably was hooking up with someone near me. So now I am not sure if I should talk him that I am gay and I kinda like him. I am afraid that if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker.

 

What's more, I wanna make some gay friends and get into the gay circles in this new city. He could be a good entry point instead of just hooking up with random guys in grindr. Could anyone provide me some suggestions if I want to tell him or ask him out, what should I say? or how to avoid awkwardness if he doesn't like me at all?

 

Do your coworkers know you're gay?

 

how safe is your job?

[+ augustus]

Not if you want to keep your job.

[Guest]

I recommend that you do NOT tell him in short order that you have a crush on him. Pursuing a friendship is reasonable and may lead to chemistry down the line. Dating would prove difficult mainly if one person has a supervisorial role over the other. If there's no chance one could be subordinate to the other, now or in the future, eventually pursuing something more would be far less problematic.

[+ purplekow]

I am going a completely different route on this. People who date persons of the opposite sex frequently meet at work. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with dating, a coworker but you should realize that if there are hard feelings when you breakup, and you more than likely break up at some point, you will have to deal with those feelings at work and that can be difficult.

I would simply ask him to have lunch with you one day, not a date, just lunch. At lunch, I would tell him you were on a hookup app and you saw him on there. As you are new to town and have no gay connections, can he make some suggestions or introductions as unknown hookups are not usually your thing, He will either say no, not likely. He may say sure and introduce you around, Or, and this is the best case scenario, he may say, what about him. You have nothing to lose right now. Though if you do start to date, you need to be mature about it.

[Bargara Leatherboy]

You NEVER want to "dip your nib in company ink"

 

Don't date a co worker!!!

 

What happens when it ends ?

 

By all means chat and maybe go out in a group for drinks, meet his friends

 

BUT loose all ideas of getting involved.

 

I made that mistake back when I was first in the workplace, I saw a guy I thought was hot at the local beat and tried to pick him up. He was closeted at work (which I respected). Butit was always awkward. I then became friends with his bf, 40'years later it's still awkward

[Guest]

...At lunch, I would tell him you were on a hookup app ... unknown hookups are not usually your thing...

 

I agree with the lunch suggestion, but I would not tell him that unknown hookups aren't your usual thing seconds after telling him you saw him on Grindr. If someone were to tell me that, my first reaction would be to doubt the honesty of that person. Of course, it is possible to install and use the app simply out of curiosity, but my first reaction would be to think "Yeah, right." If you're going to mention that you saw him on Grindr, I'd leave it at that. Since he uses Grindr himself, I don't think he is any position to be shocked that someone else would use it. The other thing is that I might not mention Grindr at all, especially during the first lunch (assuming it happens). I'm out at work, but I don't make any announcements about it. I simply ask people about their loved ones, and I mention mine. All very matter-of-fact. If you're really interested in getting to know him better, I don't see the advantage in rushing things. Just strike out a friendship first.

[LookingAround]

Ask him out for a date.

[rogerG]

I have worked with a lot of gay guys in a work environment through the years. I can count on 3 fingers the number of co-workers who became friends that I could truly trust. That's 3 out of maybe 100+. Had plenty of so-called friends, though.

 

I wish I could count the number of times I've been burned. I don't want to relive those memories. One guy, whom I didn't even know that well, attempted to get me fired. He completely made shit up about me, and to this day I do not know what his beef with me was.

 

Whenever someone asks me about dating a coworker, based on my personal experience, I say don't do it unless you don't care about your job and the security it provides.

[+ blondeq]

I would agree with the others that recommend not starting that sort of relationship with a coworker. Always best to follow the old adage, “don’t shit where you eat.”

[+ overeasy]

....always preferred "don't dip your pen into company ink" myself....

[BluDay]

Is your crush out? He may have Grindr and be using it, but he may be closeted. A friendly lunch, an invitation to come over and watch some of what you have suggested would be a good start. Get to know him as a friend first and that will tell you how to break the ice.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

In most cases, there are no specific rules about dating a co-worker unless one person is a subordinate to the other and then there could be questions of sexual harassment and favoritism involved.

 

In these days, harassment doesn't need to be between supervisor and subordinate. HR programs are more and more defining harassment as any unwanted approach.

 

Take the opportunity to ask him for recommendations for places to hang out. Tell him you read about place X and ask what he knows about it. Open the door a crack and see how much further he opens it.

[rvwnsd]

I agree with the lunch suggestion, but I would not tell him that unknown hookups aren't your usual thing seconds after telling him you saw him on Grindr. If someone were to tell me that, my first reaction would be to doubt the honesty of that person. Of course, it is possible to install and use the app simply out of curiosity, but my first reaction would be to think "Yeah, right." If you're going to mention that you saw him on Grindr, I'd leave it at that. Since he uses Grindr himself, I don't think he is any position to be shocked that someone else would use it. The other thing is that I might not mention Grindr at all, especially during the first lunch (assuming it happens). I'm out at work, but I don't make any announcements about it. I simply ask people about their loved ones, and I mention mine. All very matter-of-fact. If you're really interested in getting to know him better, I don't see the advantage in rushing things. Just strike out a friendship first.

I wish the software allowed me to "like" this more than once.

 

One additional thought about hookup apps (which Unicorn's message implies) - they are not appropriate conversation topics with a co-worker.

 

Since you are new to the firm, you should read their policy regarding workplace conduct and harassment. If the company uses an automated training solution you will probably receive a required training course very soon. Pay close attention to it when you take it.

[RealAvalon]

I just moved to a new city for my new job. I have been working there for about 4 months. One of my coworkers sits near me is REALLY CUTE. He plays hockey but he is not over strong but lean. Personally I think he is easy to talk to. We have been having some small coffee chats at the office and he has been recommending TV shows or movie he likes.

 

I just found out he is gay because I saw his Grindr profile when I was at my home. We were only 2000 feet away. His relationship status is single in grindr. I know that we live in different neighborhoods so he probably was hooking up with someone near me. So now I am not sure if I should talk him that I am gay and I kinda like him. I am afraid that if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker.

 

What's more, I wanna make some gay friends and get into the gay circles in this new city. He could be a good entry point instead of just hooking up with random guys in grindr. Could anyone provide me some suggestions if I want to tell him or ask him out, what should I say? or how to avoid awkwardness if he doesn't like me at all?

If you are really concerned about his reaction, let him know you are gay (btw he already knows) and see if anything changes with your interactions.

If you aren't really concerned, ask him out on a 'date'.

Straight or gay I don't find that suspense in these things is never useful. Best to know yes or no, as soon as possible, so you can move on as friends (with out the baggage of expectations) or as fuck buddies/boyfriend/partners.

Edited August 30, 2019 by RealAvalon

[RealAvalon]

I am going a completely different route on this. People who date persons of the opposite sex frequently meet at work. There is nothing intrinsically wrong with dating, a coworker but you should realize that if there are hard feelings when you breakup, and you more than likely break up at some point, you will have to deal with those feelings at work and that can be difficult.

I would simply ask him to have lunch with you one day, not a date, just lunch. At lunch, I would tell him you were on a hookup app and you saw him on there. As you are new to town and have no gay connections, can he make some suggestions or introductions as unknown hookups are not usually your thing, He will either say no, not likely. He may say sure and introduce you around, Or, and this is the best case scenario, he may say, what about him. You have nothing to lose right now. Though if you do start to date, you need to be mature about it.

This is my experience as well, lots of people I know met at work. If heterosexuals can do it, no reason queers can't do it in an equal way - respecting all the work place rules around supervision etc.

[+ friendofsheila]

I am afraid that if I tell him I have a crush on him but he doesn't like me, it would become awkward. Even if he likes me, it would be inappropriate with have sex or date my coworker.

 

 

I agree.

[+ friendofsheila]

Could anyone provide me some suggestions if I want to tell him or ask him out, what should I say? or how to avoid awkwardness if he doesn't like me at all?

 

My suggestion is to do something other than this, so I'm not sure you're open to it (or will like it).

 

If you want to hear it, please say so. If not, I'll keep my gay mouth shut.

[Sammmmm]

My suggestion is to do something other than this, so I'm not sure you're open to it (or will like it).

 

If you want to hear it, please say so. If not, I'll keep my gay mouth shut.

 

 

I WANNA HEAR IT!!! Just say it man.

 

I don't think anyone in the company knows that I am gay. But most people know he is gay and I am not sure if I tell him I am gay, he could spread the words and it might make me embarrassed.

[RealAvalon]

I WANNA HEAR IT!!! Just say it man.

 

I don't think anyone in the company knows that I am gay. But most people know he is gay and I am not sure if I tell him I am gay, he could spread the words and it might make me embarrassed.

People probably assume you are gay. It would be unusual for a modern workplace to be that clueless. (And a third of them have noticed you're interested in him and want you to get on with it already ... )

[Edit 10 minutes later: After a little more thought, I hope this answer wasn't overly flip, as I don't know you and don't know how concerned you actually are about this.]

Edited August 30, 2019 by RealAvalon

[+ friendofsheila]

I WANNA HEAR IT!!! Just say it man.

 

I don't think anyone in the company knows that I am gay. But most people know he is gay and I am not sure if I tell him I am gay, he could spread the words and it might make me embarrassed.

 

Dating people at work makes work and dating complicated. So I recommend "no."

 

I do recommend getting to know him, letting him get to know you, and becoming friends, so that.......

 

1) you can connect to the community (a good idea you had), and

 

2) Once one of you quits the job (if you're both young-ish, it totally will happen), YOU'RE READY TO POUNCE ON HIS GAY BUTT.

[RealAvalon]

I don't understand all this whinging about meeting someone at work. Isn't it super common amongst your straight friends and family? Without thinking about it much I can think of 10 couples that met at work. (School is the other big one for meeting.)

 

There's no separate set of rules for gays and lesbians, that we have to be neutered and asexual at work. (And obviously I'm not talking about having sex at work, or other inappropriate or harassing behavior.)

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

I don't think anyone in the company knows that I am gay.

 

Perhaps no one has said anything to you, but from one Sam to another, at least one person suspects you might be.

 

But most people know he is gay and I am not sure if I tell him I am gay, he could spread the words and it might make me embarrassed.

 

Somewhere down the line, a co-worker is going to ask you if you are gay. It may come from personal suspicion or that this guy spilled the beans. Who cares? Don't wait until you are in your 50s to be comfortable saying 'yes' and answering it confidently. Once I decided I didn't give a f*** what others knew or thought about my sexual orientation, I realized that at the office, they really didn't care.

 

I'll share a little story. When I was about 40 I went to Happy Hour with my about 20 co-workers. Out of the blue, one of the female colleagues asked me if I was gay. (At this point in time, I had not even accepted to myself that I was gay.) I quickly denied it and she responded, "you know, it is OK if you are." I've thought back on that exchange many times over the years and realized several things.

 

(1) Work life is truly better if you can bring your entire self to the office and not try to hide any aspects of it. (I used to fret about whether my attire made me look 'too gay' for the office. Now I wear colors and patterns to the office that I would only wear at social functions.)

 

(2) Sometimes people ask if you are gay because they have a gay friend that they would like to introduce you because they think you would be a good couple. Did I miss an opportunity by answering 'no.'

 

(3) The other gays knew I was gay and that I didn't talk about it. As I became comfortable discussing it with the gay guys, they all had figured it out own their own before we talked. While it wasn't something that they immediately thought when they met me or that someone had had told them, but usually they had put it together from a series of conversations and what I didn't talk about: no wife, no exes, no dating, no kids, going to the theater, and such.

Edited September 1, 2019 by sam.fitzpatrick