Objectifying?

[Guest]

I'm having feelings I've never felt before, which has made it difficult for me to think clearly. To lay it all out, I've been living with a man in his mid 20's for the last 9 months (since March), and I'm in my mid 50's. We met on Seeking Arrangements, and I'm helping him get a college degree. He's from South America on a student visa, valid for another 2-3 years (2021 if I'm recalling correctly). A little over a week ago, after his finals (he's a straight A student, at least for the time he's been with me), we flew to Puerto Vallarta, and at the end of a week, he flew back home for the holidays and I'm back in the States. We're meeting again a few days into the New Year in San Juan, PR, where we'll be taking a 12-day Caribbean cruise before his Spring term starts. My affection for him has grown tremendously during our time together, and he says his have as well. He's told me that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me, and we've even talked of marriage.

Part of what's confusing me is that during these 9 months, he's been going to the gym daily and becoming really ripped. Part of me almost wished he didn't, because he doesn't need to be so handsome, and he's turned into a near-perfect specimen. I don't understand why I've felt so head-over-heels in love with him. Is it truly because my love for him as a person has grown? Or is it his new physique? When we were first together, I often tried to sneak in a Levitra or Cialis if I thought we were going to have sex in order to make things easier, but now I feel absolutely no need for any such assistance, and the sex has been leaving me in a trance that I imagine heroin addicts must get when they shoot up. In the two days since we were apart, I couldn't even jack off to my very extensive porn collection (I tried), and had to look at my pictures of him.

In the past I've complimented him on both his intelligence and looks, saying things like "You're such a wonderful combination of brains and beauty!". Early in our trip, though, he was in his swimsuit on our ocean-view balcony and I said "Wow, you're really beautiful!" and he responded somewhat unhappy, however, stating "Unicorn, I don't appreciate your objectifying me!". What do you think? Were my comments too objectifying and one-dimensional? Is this not a nice or appropriate thing to say to a man you love?

[+ FreshFluff]

There’s an old adage, “One should tell a pretty girl that she’s smart and a smart girl that she’s pretty.”

 

Your guy has been hearing that he’s beautiful all his life. He’s longing to be complimented on something else.

Edited December 22, 2018 by FreshFluff

[caliguy]

Oh lord. Reminds me of a women getting a boob and later complaining of guys staring at her breasts. Lol

[marylander1940]

Oh lord. Reminds me of a women getting a boob and later complaining of guys staring at her breasts. Lol

 

or having sex within a week of meeting a guy and bitching he didn't call back and moved on to next...

 

Sorry guys for going off subject... @caliguy made me do it!

Edited December 23, 2018 by marylander1940

[BluDay]

Going just on what you have posted - if he is/has fallen for you as well, it's possible he is looking for reassurance that you like him for him, not just his physical appearance?

 

You met on SA, where true love certainly can come from there, but realistically a lot of that is a pretty boy offering his body to a wealthier man so the boy can live in comfort. That may (not reading anything anything into your situation) have been the case here, and love grew from it. If he's feeling like you are, he could be working out so much to keep you, fearing you only want a hot body. How does he respond when you compliment his mind, his taste, his personality? Give him the same insecurities you have. He may have noticed you no longer need chemical assistance, and where I'm sure that gratifies him, he may feel he has to work hard to keep that up (pun intended).

 

Perhaps you could find some things to do where he is not your arm-candy and stimulate your cultural interests? Taking him away from places where he sees himself as your trophy and emphasizes how much you like his company may give him assurance.

 

This is the positive spin on your question: that he is doing what he can to keep you because he's fallen in love with you. I don't think I have to mention that if he's just in for your money, he's doing a very good job. For both your sakes, I hope it's love.

[+ nycman]

My advice to your man....”learn to take a compliment”....it won’t last forever.

 

My advice to you....”lighten up and enjoy the moment”.....it won’t last forever.

 

My assessment of the situation?......I’m Hell-a-jealous of both of you....enjoy!

[Guest]

There’s an old adage, “One should tell a pretty girl that she’s smart and a smart girl that she’s pretty.”

 

Your guy has been hearing that he’s beautiful all his life. He’s longing to be complimented on something else.

 

Well, he's both smart and gorgeous. Believe me, when he tells me he got the best score in the class on an exam or class project, I tell him how impressed I am with his intellect. I have told him multiple times I feel I'm the luckiest man on the planet (he's said likewise). But what am I supposed to say when he's standing on the balcony, half-naked? "You're one of the most brilliant men I've ever met!'? Of course, I'm terrified at the thought of losing him. One of the nicest things that ever happened to me in PV was when the two of us were together at a bar (La Noche), and some man, probably around 40, went up to me and said "I just wanted to let you know you're really handsome!" right in front of him (yes, he really was talking to me, although my man was definitely the most handsome man there). It made me feel so much more confident, I felt as if 50# were lifted off of my shoulders.

Part of what makes me feel really paranoid is that he's not out about me to his South American friends or family. His mother is apparently very religious and homophobic, and he surmises, probably correctly, that if he were out to his friends (some of whom live near where I live and he goes out with them), that it will quickly get back to his parents. He says he'll stay in the closet until there are firm plans for a wedding. In case something happens to him, he's actually given me the phone number of a gay friend who lives in Portugal, who can contact his family in case of disaster.

[+ purplekow]

Well, this is a nice problem to have, but it is a problem. I think it may be time to clear the air. Tell him you do indeed objectify him because he is beautiful and sexy and you are very attracted to him. I would then make it clear that if that were all there were to it, you would enjoy the ride and see where it goes. However, I would tell him honestly that there is more to it and as a result you want to treat him in the manner with which he is the most comfortable. Tell him if he wants you not to tell him how beautiful he is, you will respect that because you respect him, but you will continue to think it and on occasion it may just slip out that to you he is physically ideal I would then remind him that he is kind, loving, intelligent, sensitive, respectful, patient, considerate and funny and oh by the way hot as hell.

[Guest]

That's actually great advice, PK. I can't say he's really ideal, but pretty damn close!

[rvwnsd]

A few thoughts:

Well, he's both smart and gorgeous. Believe me, when he tells me he got the best score in the class on an exam or class project, I tell him how impressed I am with his intellect....

Sounds like you are objectifying his intellect in addition to objectifying his looks and body. It could also be interpreted as meaning you are surprised that he could be so intelligent and have a high degree of academic prowess. Perhaps you could say "Wow, that's great! Congratulations."

 

...I have told him multiple times I feel I'm the luckiest man on the planet (he's said likewise). But what am I supposed to say when he's standing on the balcony, half-naked? "..

You could say nothing.

 

...You're one of the most brilliant men I've ever met!'?...

That would be something to say when he mentions his grades. It sounds less patronizing than "I'm impressed by your intellect."

 

...Of course, I'm terrified at the thought of losing him. ...

Approaching this from a place of fear will do nothing to ensure your relationship with him is successful. Treat him how you would like to be treated. Would you like him to tell you "I love how successful you are" or "I'm so grateful for having met someone who takes me on lavish trips." That would make you sound like a living, breathing, eating credit card.

 

...

Part of what makes me feel really paranoid is that he's not out about me to his South American friends or family. His mother is apparently very religious and homophobic, and he surmises, probably correctly, that if he were out to his friends (some of whom live near where I live and he goes out with them), that it will quickly get back to his parents. ...

Hmm...I can see his point, but I do't see how getting married would change that.

 

My advice to your man....”learn to take a compliment”....it won’t last forever.

 

My advice to you....”lighten up and enjoy the moment”.....it won’t last forever.

 

My assessment of the situation?......I’m Hell-a-jealous of both of you....enjoy!

Once again, I agree with you @nycman

[+ Pensant]

I wish I had your problem

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

He's simply told you he already knows you find him physically attractive, and he is confident in his physical appearance. He probably also gets those compliments from others, and may be expecting more from you. Next time you find yourself slipping into verbally commenting on his beautiful appearance, add a compliment on another aspect him you appreciate: "Wow, you really look wonderful in that swimsuit. If others only knew that your heart is even more beautiful like I do."

[+ Keith30309]

Why say anything during a moment on a balcony. Walk out next to him and share the view silently. I've always thought that the ability to share a comfortable silence is a sign of true friendship. With guys I've met online there are perhaps 3 with whom it would be comfortable to be silent for more than a couple of minutes.

I'd found one SA guy who I see frequently had become a little uncomfortable with my compliments... and he needed a lot of reassurance early on in more ways than one. At first he'd blush and defer them but recently I noticed he just doesn't respond.... so I stopped complimenting him. I think that we are both good with the quiet moments instead.

 

I suppose anyone can begin to become uncomfortable if they feel like they are being scrutinized constantly, even if in a positive way.

[EastbayMike]

Try having this conversation IRL with your sugar baby instead of with a bunch of strangers online.

[rogerG]

I don't think it's ever a good thing to appear to obsess about someone's looks. Most people know that good looks don't last forever. If you want to place true value on a relationship, if you want to talk about spending lives together, good looks should not be the focus. In the end, I don't think anyone of substance places much value on being stamped a visual object. The concept seems very shallow, and that may not be the message of everlasting love you wish to send.

[Guest]

He's simply told you he already knows you find him physically attractive, and he is confident in his physical appearance. He probably also gets those compliments from others, and may be expecting more from you. Next time you find yourself slipping into verbally commenting on his beautiful appearance, add a compliment on another aspect him you appreciate: "Wow, you really look wonderful in that swimsuit. If others only knew that your heart is even more beautiful like I do."

That's more great advice, thanks. I do find it a bit weird, and a bit strange to reconcile how much time he spends at the gym, yet how he complains when others are staring at him. I do worry that he's going to cross paths with some fashion mogul like Calvin Klein or Valentino who can offer him a lifestyle even more lavish than I can provide. I've never been with such a wonderful man before, and I'm pretty sure I'd never find someone like him again. Until now, I've never understood how someone can go nuts after losing a spouse...

[caliguy]

That's more great advice, thanks. I do find it a bit weird, and a bit strange to reconcile how much time he spends at the gym, yet how he complains when others are staring at him. I do worry that he's going to cross paths with some fashion mogul like Calvin Klein or Valentino who can offer him a lifestyle even more lavish than I can provide. I've never been with such a wonderful man before, and I'm pretty sure I'd never find someone like him again. Until now, I've never understood how someone can go nuts after losing a spouse...

Let me get this straight. Foreign man meets you on a site so he can be taken care of. Soon after wants to marry you. Now he complains of being objectified by you. Saying how beautiful you think your spouse is kind of normal in any relationship though. Now you're worried that a higher bidder doesn't come along and snatch him up. Sounds like it will be a perfect seeking arrangement Marriage. Lol

[Guest]

Yes, Caliguy, I'm well aware that his expressions of love and admiration could be all fake. He could just be saying what he knows I want to hear. He does seem quite grounded as a person, but this could all be an act. "My eyes are fully open..."

[caliguy]

Yes, Caliguy, I'm well aware that his expressions of love and admiration could be all fake. He could just be saying what he knows I want to hear. He does seem quite grounded as a person, but this could all be an act. "My eyes are fully open..."

LOL :D;)

[LookingAround]

Yes, Caliguy, I'm well aware that his expressions of love and admiration could be all fake. He could just be saying what he knows I want to hear. He does seem quite grounded as a person, but this could all be an act. "My eyes are fully open.”

 

Until they’re not.

[+ Pensant]

I don't think it's ever a good thing to appear to obsess about someone's looks. Most people know that good looks don't last forever. If you want to place true value on a relationship, if you want to talk about spending lives together, good looks should not be the focus. In the end, I don't think anyone of substance places much value on being stamped a visual object. The concept seems very shallow, and that may not be the message of everlasting love you wish to send.

That said, I’m easily, shamelessly flattered when complimented on either my looks, intelligence or clothing.

[+ WilliamM]

That's more great advice, thanks. I do find it a bit weird, and a bit strange to reconcile how much time he spends at the gym, yet how he complains when others are staring at him. I do worry that he's going to cross paths with some fashion mogul like Calvin Klein or Valentino who can offer him a lifestyle even more lavish than I can provide. I've never been with such a wonderful man before, and I'm pretty sure I'd never find someone like him again. Until now, I've never understood how someone can go nuts after losing a spouse...

 

How can he be considered a wonderful man, if you think he would leave you for someone with much more money.

[+ FreshFluff]

Why say anything during a moment on a balcony. Walk out next to him and share the view silently. I've always thought that the ability to share a comfortable silence is a sign of true friendship.

 

[+ purplekow]

All this criticism and here is a man with handsome, sexy intelligent and young lover. He must be doing something right, or at least better than I am. Keep honesty in your relationship. Doubt enters into every relationship you need to discuss it before it overwhelms you. Enjoy yourself and him whether it lasts years or as my relationships with such men do, for an hour at a time.

Merry Christmas to you, Feliz Navidad to him. Best of luck to both of you.

[maninsoma]

Why not focus in your feelings about being with him versus commenting on either his brains or physical appearance? For instance, you could say something like, "It's so wonderful to be here with you" when you walk out to the balcony and see him standing in a swimsuit.