Feeling very torn and needing some sound advice

[+ José Soplanucas]

I'm confused. Why is this in the Deli escort discussion forum again?

 

You are correct. I had not noticed. I rarely read the forums but the "New Posts". I do not know how to move a thread, I guess an administrator should do it. @deej @Cooper

[caliguy]

iI walked in on him masturbating to porn the other morning, and he quickly tried to hide it and acted ashamed that I "caught" him doing it. I told him I didn't care if he watched porn and offered to leave the room so he could finish, but at that point he got mad and bit my head off saying, "It doesn't matter because it's just not working for me! I can't seem to fix this problem for you!" Which only led to me feeling guilty, like I had created more stress for him. It's been 3 weeks now, and he has not mentioned going to see the doctor about a remedy for this.

He's ashamed that you caught him getting turned on by other guys. I'll bet he didn't need any viagra for that. Sorry but sounds like the only way he'll ever respond to you is in a 3 some with some hottie between you both.

[+ José Soplanucas]

Merry Christmas.

 

Are you commenting to one of my posts after you said you would not do it? See? I know you have a crush on me.

[MartyB]

Talk to your partner about counselling. Individual and couples.

 

No one can predict where counseling will take you, but it should at least be an orderly process.

 

Take online advice with a grain of salt. Almost everyone means well.... but no one can offer opinions without being influenced by their own values and experiences.

 

Try professional help. If your partner refuses help, you can still seek help for yourself, how you respond to your situation, and your own planning. Your partners refusal also gives you one more piece of information to evaluate.

 

I have opinions based on what youve written. Predictions too. This is one of those times, I think it would be irresponsible to say more than... get qualified professional help.

I couldn't agree more. Both of you need counseling to help you gentlemen find your future road map.

[dixietony]

I am not sure you did, the discussion is relevant to the OP's concern.

 

So you have the definition of marriage. I understand is the holly union of a man and a woman, blessed by God, and only terminated by the death of one of the partners. Right?

 

No, I wouldn't agree to that definition.

 

But isn't that the sort of legal contract gay men and women have wanted? That strict definition? To prove their love and relationships are just as valid and meaningful as a heterosexual marriage?

 

But neither is it ... I'm not entertained by this anymore. I'm bored. Who can help me fulfill my needs at this moment with little or no commitment?

 

I'm oversimplifying. People of all genders and sexualities are trying to redefine marriage based on what they want it to mean. And that's not how it works. You want in? Then you accept it. You don't redefine the dog as the animal in your house that meows, uses a litter box, and has kittens?

 

You can reframe my statements as a religious argument to undermine me all you want, but that isn't what this is about.

[+ José Soplanucas]

No, I wouldn't agree to that definition.

 

But isn't that the sort of legal contract gay men and women have wanted? That strict definition? To prove their love and relationships are just as valid and meaningful as a heterosexual marriage?

 

But neither is it ... I'm not entertained by this anymore. I'm bored. Who can help me fulfill my needs at this moment with little or no commitment?

 

I'm oversimplifying. People of all genders and sexualities are trying to redefine marriage based on what they want it to mean. And that's not how it works. You want in? Then you accept it. You don't redefine the dog as the animal in your house that meows, uses a litter box, and has kittens?

 

You can reframe my statements as a religious argument to undermine me all you want, but that isn't what this is about.

 

I was not trying to use religion to undermine your argument, but trying to highlight that you sound exactly like my grandmother. I trying to show how absurd it is to pretend to define something that is continuously changing. Marriage has been understood very differently throughout human history, but you seem to have the exclusive definition. More than undermining your argument, which does not need to be undermined because it falls down by itself, I was trying to challenge your preconceptions. I think we all would be happier if we let each particular couple to define their own relationship.

[caliguy]

 

You can reframe my statements as a religious argument to undermine me all you want, but that isn't what this is about.

Yeah, here's the perfect Marriage..

http://images.memes.com/meme/707452

[+ nycman]

He's refused to ever bottom.

 

Dump him.

 

Viagra, that maybe that would help stimulate his libido.

 

Viagra just helps the plumbing...it doesn't affect the faucet.

That is...it makes it easy to get hard....it won't affect his libido.

 

I struggle with that because I know my husband well enough to know that he will react by feeling horrible about himself, like he failed me somehow

 

He has. Part of marriage in my book is taking care of your partner's needs.

For the record, it's also a part of random hook ups. Taking care of your

"partner" doesn't take a lifelong commitment. It takes polite human

decency and good manners. Your partner has neither.

 

It would be no different than if he was sick with cancer or anything else.

 

Bitch please....no one is dying. It's just sex. His lousy mate needs

to step up to the plate or get out of the way of the next batter.

 

Sex is an important part of a relationship

 

Amen. Brother AMEN!

 

No one NEEDS sex

 

Yes, in fact to be happy and healthy adults....most of us do.

 

If you don't....that's cool....go be a monk.

 

Just don't trap me in a sexless "relationship" with you.

[LaffingBear]

I understand is the holly union of a man and a woman, blessed by God, and only terminated by the death of one of the partners. Right?

http://2.bp.blogspot.com/-usSjz1l8AaY/VJw37IplKfI/AAAAAAAAAmE/RRbRBDpkEnk/s1600/Ilex%2Baquifolium%2Bholly%2BJRGrant.jpg

[MikeyGMin]

Yeah, I agree with you. I don't need sex, but I wouldn't be as happy without it. Being naked with a hot guy contributes to good mental health. That's why when your friends see you with a huge grin on your face, they say, "Did you just get laid?"

I once heard that sex is the salve that heals the small wounds that any relationship sustains. Without it they fester and a relationship can become a joyless obligation. I know that has been true for the major relationships of my life.

[dixietony]

Dump him.

 

 

 

Viagra just helps the plumbing...it doesn't affect the faucet.

That is...it makes it easy to get hard....it won't affect his libido.

 

 

 

He has. Part of marriage in my book is taking care of your partner's needs.

For the record, it's also a part of random hook ups. Taking care of your

"partner" doesn't take a lifelong commitment. It takes polite human

decency and good manners. Your partner has neither.

 

 

 

Bitch please....no one is dying. It's just sex. His lousy mate needs

to set up to the plate or get out of the way of the next batter.

 

 

 

Amen. Brother AMEN!

 

 

 

Yes, in fact to be happy and healthy adults....most of us do.

 

If you don't....that's cool....go be a monk.

 

Just don't trap me in a sexless "relationship" with you.

 

Lousy mate? You're talking about the person he married. And trap? This is the very reason why I think gay people should never have aspired to want marriage equality.

 

You make it sound so loving.

[+ Eric Hassan]

I'm sorry that you're having this experience. I'd echo @Becket's post here. I'd add that it's a fair expectation to have of your husband that he be part of helping you find a solution that works for both of you. That could be a range of things, and only you can tell what's right for you. I'd also echo the call for you to seek some professional help. My hope is that, ultimately, this is a just the "ow" in growth.

[gallahadesquire]

I fail to see how you two are "the best of friends and compatible in every way." I apologize for not referencing my points below.

 

He doesn't care for your emotions or needs. He won't even discuss them, then satisfies himself in his own way.

 

There is no need for you to feel guilty if you decide to hire someone. Cheating or with his full knowledge, he's had his chance. You've tried discussing this. It didn't work. He's closed to the discussion.

 

"Live! Life's a banquet and most poor people are starving!" I started this habit about 2005 and I've never looked back. A few disasters (one an A+ who failed to share the chemistry, now retired) and at least one, and possible a second, escort who are the nicest, most giving people I've ever met.

[+ azdr0710]

this reminds me of a very similar lament by a forum member several months ago....the forum member did meet up with an escort and all hell broke out with his husband..... I tried to find the lengthy thread, but couldn't......

 

maybe somebody remembers and can find the thread and link it here......

[gallahadesquire]

...

If you don't....that's cool....go be a monk.

 

 

Not all monks are celebate, according to my friend, the Abbot.

[Good Grief]

 

Just don't trap me in a sexless "relationship" with you.

 

@nycman I'll say, from your posts and opinions I've seen, I'd rather it be sexless.

[+ nycman]

Not all monks are celebate, according to my friend, the Abbot.

 

No doubt.

 

Goddammed monks...hornest bunch of mother fuckers I ever met.

 

Well, maybe except for the priests at St. Patrick's.

 

In the late 1980's the fucking Limelight had NOTHING on THOSE parties is the rectory!

[+ nycman]

@nycman I'll say, from your posts and opinions I've seen, I'd rather it be sexless.

Ok.

 

Good grief indeed.

[+ sync]

The responsibility for the health of your marriage is not yours alone. Marriage is a contract. Considering the facts you have shared in your post, it's showtime for the both of you. If I were in your situation, I would go in full force: We need to talk. Our marriage is going to get better or it's going to get worse, but it is not going stay as it is. I need to know from you now if you are willing to help address our intimacy drought.

I don't believe an honest effort is too much to ask from a spouse to save the marriage.

It's a tough environment, I wish you well going forward.

[Mydavid]

I remember @Lance_Navarro just studied as a sex therapist, I wonder if he can help you guys.

[rvwnsd]

No, I wouldn't agree to that definition.

 

But isn't that the sort of legal contract gay men and women have wanted? That strict definition? To prove their love and relationships are just as valid and meaningful as a heterosexual marriage?

 

But neither is it ... I'm not entertained by this anymore. I'm bored. Who can help me fulfill my needs at this moment with little or no commitment?

 

I'm oversimplifying. People of all genders and sexualities are trying to redefine marriage based on what they want it to mean. And that's not how it works. You want in? Then you accept it. You don't redefine the dog as the animal in your house that meows, uses a litter box, and has kittens?

 

You can reframe my statements as a religious argument to undermine me all you want, but that isn't what this is about.

Married couples have gotten divorced for decades. Those couples divorced for a variety of reasons, including the problems caused by discordant sex drives. Until 2003, all of those couples were opposite-sex because they were the only ones who could get married. Starting in 2003, same-sex couples began having the same legally-recognized rights as opposite-sex couples and soon thereafter came the concept of same-sex divorce. Do you go on the same tirade when an opposite-sex couple gets a divorce?

 

The issue, to me, runs deeper than sex. It sounds like someone does not even want to discuss the problem. I seem to recall a similar thread several months ago, where one member of the couple was hiring escorts and the other found out. There seemed to be parallels, such as one member of the couple refusing the see a counselor, controlling behavior, and so forth. My advice is to seek counseling, with or without your husband. At the very least, a counselor can help you clarify what you want to do next.

[AndreFuture]

I see a lot of red flags in the OP's scenario, and echo the others who have suggested professional help. I hope your husband is willing to put in the same effort as you.

[+ Funguy]

Sex is an important part of a relationship, and I would say hugely important between two men. Any chance your husband could be up for couple counseling?

 

The other thing I found curious was that you said he has no libido and thought about Viagra. When you guys did have sex, was he able to get hard and keep it?

 

Don't forget, viagra, cialis, et al are NOT going to enhance the libido. These drugs are for the mechanics of sex ... getting hard and staying there.

Libido is the DESIRE for the sex. That lack of desire is more related to lowered testosterone which is easy to remedy.

 

However, please do not forget that both of these issues are fraught with emotional/psychological issues which have to be worked thru. Viagra alone ain't gonna do it.

[gallahadesquire]

No doubt.

 

Goddammed monks...horniest bunch of mother fuckers I ever met.

 

Well, maybe except for the priests at St. Patrick's.

 

In the late 1980's the fucking Limelight had NOTHING on THOSE parties is the rectory!

 

One point of St. Benedict's RULE is that every monk shall have his own bed. Even then ... he lived 480-543 (or 547)

[+ Lance_Navarro]

I remember @Lance_Navarro just studied as a sex therapist, I wonder if he can help you guys.

 

Thanks for that hun! I think some good advise has been given already. I actually just had a guy on FB message me with similar concerns. The bottom line is that your happiness needs to be a priority in your own life. You have gotten to this place because intimacy and communication has been put on the back burner for too long within the relationship. His avoidance of your concerns and needs must be addressed.