Feeling very torn and needing some sound advice

[youngboldone]

Hi, guys. I am relatively new to this forum. I've been lurking and occasionally commenting for about a month and a half. I posted about my dilemma once before and received some wonderful responses. My situation hasn't really changed since then, and if anything the stagnant nature of my situation has only become more apparent to me since then.

 

I am a 44-year-old out and proud gay man married to another man. We have been married almost 18 years, and we are the best of friends and compatible in every way except sexually. Our sex life has never been what I would call robust, but we were at least frequently physical with each other for the first several years of our relationship. My husband has never had a huge libido. I, on the other hand, masturbate daily (sometimes multiple times daily) and seem to be horny constantly. There is a 15-year age difference between us, so that could explain some of it. My husband has also always struggled with body image issues despite my assurances that he is far too hard on himself in that regard. My assurances seem to fall on deaf ears, though.

 

I grew up in a rural, backward small town in WV, so I have definitely been a late bloomer when it comes to sex. I didn't come out until I had graduated college and never even experienced any kind of intimacy with another man until then. I was raised in a religious household, so I know I have a lot of baggage that I've been working to shed regarding the subject of sex. So it was never really that much of an issue for me that my husband and I weren't exactly tearing it up in the bedroom. We have done oral and that's pretty much it. He's extremely ticklish and won't let me near his feet, which sucks because I have a major foot fetish. He's refused to ever bottom. I figured at some point he would top me. I am pretty versatile, so it doesn't matter to me. But it's become clear to me that I don't think this is ever going to happen. And during the last year or so, something has happened to me. I don't know whether it's a mid-life crisis thing or me thinking that life is short and time is running out, but I feel so much more sexually adventurous and ready to experience "everything on the menu" so to speak.

 

About two weeks ago, I finally told him I had something I needed to discuss with him. It was a hard conversation to have - partly because I feel guilty piling more on him. He has a very high-stress job and has had some recent health issues, too. But I finally told myself I can't always be putting his needs before mine. So I told him point blank that I needed to have sex with him. I told him how horny and frustrated I've been for a long while now. He said that he would see the doctor about getting some Viagra, that maybe that would help stimulate his libido. The conversation pretty much ended. I have made several overtures since then, but he doesn't take the bait. I walked in on him masturbating to porn the other morning, and he quickly tried to hide it and acted ashamed that I "caught" him doing it. I told him I didn't care if he watched porn and offered to leave the room so he could finish, but at that point he got mad and bit my head off saying, "It doesn't matter because it's just not working for me! I can't seem to fix this problem for you!" Which only led to me feeling guilty, like I had created more stress for him. It's been 3 weeks now, and he has not mentioned going to see the doctor about a remedy for this.

 

This is turning into a novel, so to make a long story short, I don't know what to do. I have been mulling over hiring an escort for about two months now - just to get myself laid - and have learned a lot from these forums. I have so much baggage around doing it, though, so ultimately I wonder if it will just be money wasted because I will have so much crap in my head that I won't be able to just relax and enjoy it. My primary sticking point seems to be wondering how much guilt and shame I'll feel afterward knowing that I cheated on my husband. Although would it be considered cheating considering we haven't touched each other in almost 4 years and he seems to be full on asexual now? Or am I just looking for ways to justify adultery here? Then again, if I stay faithful, then that means being celibate. Do you see my dilemma? I know some of you are likely going to suggest asking for permission to do this. I struggle with that because I know my husband well enough to know that he will react by feeling horrible about himself, like he failed me somehow. And honestly, I don't know how much that would hurt him. I care about his feelings, so much so that I've been sublimating my own. I am really at a loss here.

 

Thank you to those who took time to read about my sad state of affairs (no pun intended). I really could use all the advice you're willing to offer.

~Chad in Columbus, Ohio

[+ José Soplanucas]

Did you ask him about you hiring escorts, or hooking up occasionally with random guys to satisfy your needs?

 

Hi, guys. I am relatively new to this forum. I've been lurking and occasionally commenting for about a month and a half. I posted about my dilemma once before and received some wonderful responses. My situation hasn't really changed since then, and if anything the stagnant nature of my situation has only become more apparent to me since then.

 

I am a 44-year-old out and proud gay man married to another man. We have been married almost 18 years, and we are the best of friends and compatible in every way except sexually. Our sex life has never been what I would call robust, but we were at least frequently physical with each other for the first several years of our relationship. My husband has never had a huge libido. I, on the other hand, masturbate daily (sometimes multiple times daily) and seem to be horny constantly. There is a 15-year age difference between us, so that could explain some of it. My husband has also always struggled with body image issues despite my assurances that he is far too hard on himself in that regard. My assurances seem to fall on deaf ears, though.

 

I grew up in a rural, backward small town in WV, so I have definitely been a late bloomer when it comes to sex. I didn't come out until I had graduated college and never even experienced any kind of intimacy with another man until then. I was raised in a religious household, so I know I have a lot of baggage that I've been working to shed regarding the subject of sex. So it was never really that much of an issue for me that my husband and I weren't exactly tearing it up in the bedroom. We have done oral and that's pretty much it. He's extremely ticklish and won't let me near his feet, which sucks because I have a major foot fetish. He's refused to ever bottom. I figured at some point he would top me. I am pretty versatile, so it doesn't matter to me. But it's become clear to me that I don't think this is ever going to happen. And during the last year or so, something has happened to me. I don't know whether it's a mid-life crisis thing or me thinking that life is short and time is running out, but I feel so much more sexually adventurous and ready to experience "everything on the menu" so to speak.

 

About two weeks ago, I finally told him I had something I needed to discuss with him. It was a hard conversation to have - partly because I feel guilty piling more on him. He has a very high-stress job and has had some recent health issues, too. But I finally told myself I can't always be putting his needs before mine. So I told him point blank that I needed to have sex with him. I told him how horny and frustrated I've been for a long while now. He said that he would see the doctor about getting some Viagra, that maybe that would help stimulate his libido. The conversation pretty much ended. I have made several overtures since then, but he doesn't take the bait. I walked in on him masturbating to porn the other morning, and he quickly tried to hide it and acted ashamed that I "caught" him doing it. I told him I didn't care if he watched porn and offered to leave the room so he could finish, but at that point he got mad and bit my head off saying, "It doesn't matter because it's just not working for me! I can't seem to fix this problem for you!" Which only led to me feeling guilty, like I had created more stress for him. It's been 3 weeks now, and he has not mentioned going to see the doctor about a remedy for this.

 

This is turning into a novel, so to make a long story short, I don't know what to do. I have been mulling over hiring an escort for about two months now - just to get myself laid - and have learned a lot from these forums. I have so much baggage around doing it, though, so ultimately I wonder if it will just be money wasted because I will have so much crap in my head that I won't be able to just relax and enjoy it. My primary sticking point seems to be wondering how much guilt and shame I'll feel afterward knowing that I cheated on my husband. Although would it be considered cheating considering we haven't touched each other in almost 4 years and he seems to be full on asexual now? Or am I just looking for ways to justify adultery here? Then again, if I stay faithful, then that means being celibate. Do you see my dilemma? I know some of you are likely going to suggest asking for permission to do this. I struggle with that because I know my husband well enough to know that he will react by feeling horrible about himself, like he failed me somehow. And honestly, I don't know how much that would hurt him. I care about his feelings, so much so that I've been sublimating my own. I am really at a loss here.

 

Thank you to those who took time to read about my sad state of affairs (no pun intended). I really could use all the advice you're willing to offer.

~Chad in Columbus, Ohio

[Guy Fawkes]

or perhaps sharing a man?

 

Did you ask him about you hiring escorts, or hooking up occasionally with random guys to satisfy your needs?

[+ WmClarke]

You are in an unhealhy relationship.

 

Your husband refuses to get help.

 

You are left with two options: get out or cheat. Otherwise you will lead a very unsatisfactory existence.

[Deadlift1]

Yet he is able to masterbate with a magazine.

[Deadlift1]

I like mr. Clarke's approach. Direct and to the point.

[+ José Soplanucas]

Yet he is able to masterbate with a magazine.

 

Magazine? I hope he was watching a video. @Deadlift1 , how many centuries old are you?

[dixietony]

I'm going to come across as a mean person here .... you're married. For better. For worse. Isn't that what you wanted? The vows. If the physicality of it means more than that, then leave. I just don't understand why people carry on and on about wanting marriage. Now that you have it, you want to abandon it.

 

It would be no different than if he was sick with cancer or anything else. Would you sneak off then to satisfy your needs?

 

Having said that, if it does mean this much to you, then tell him to read your post and these replies. Then, if he, you, or the situation doesn't change, change it yourself.

[+ José Soplanucas]

I'm going to come across as a mean person here .... you're married. For better. For worse. Isn't that what you wanted? The vows. If the physicality of it means more than that, then leave. I just don't understand why people carry on and on about wanting marriage. Now that you have it, you want to abandon it.

 

It would be no different than if he was sick with cancer or anything else. Would you sneak off then to satisfy your needs?

 

Having said that, if it does mean this much to you, then tell him to read your post and these replies. Then, if he, you, or the situation doesn't change, change it yourself.

 

Being married does not mean much. Both partners can define their relationship as they please. If he does not feel attraction for you, just open the relationship. You can agree in seeing guys separately or inviting someone to share a threesome. You two can design your relationship according to each's needs.

[LaffingBear]

Talk to your partner about counselling. Individual and couples.

 

No one can predict where counseling will take you, but it should at least be an orderly process.

 

Take online advice with a grain of salt. Almost everyone means well.... but no one can offer opinions without being influenced by their own values and experiences.

 

Try professional help. If your partner refuses help, you can still seek help for yourself, how you respond to your situation, and your own planning. Your partners refusal also gives you one more piece of information to evaluate.

 

I have opinions based on what youve written. Predictions too. This is one of those times, I think it would be irresponsible to say more than... get qualified professional help.

[SuenosAmor]

Sex is an important part of a relationship, and I would say hugely important between two men. Any chance your husband could be up for couple counseling?

 

The other thing I found curious was that you said he has no libido and thought about Viagra. When you guys did have sex, was he able to get hard and keep it?

[Deadlift1]

Don't start fat boy.

[MikeBiDude]

You are in an unhealhy relationship.

 

Your husband refuses to get help.

 

You are left with two options: get out or cheat. Otherwise you will lead a very unsatisfactory existence.

Tough but good advice here....

[MikeBiDude]

Don't start fat boy.

So delightful, aren't you?

[Deadlift1]

I try.

[dixietony]

Being married does not mean much. Both partners can define their relationship as they please. If he does not feel attraction for you, just open the relationship. You can agree in seeing guys separately or inviting someone to share a threesome. You two can design your relationship according to each's needs.

 

I agree. But then why all the hubbub surrounding it? Why get married in the first place if it means so little? It either means something because you've pushed for it or it doesn't. You can't have it both ways. Well, you can, but the very idea of marriage has become so much of a sham because of this very attitude. YOU aren't giving ME what I want. And if YOU don't change, I'm leaving. Now that's commitment.

 

No one NEEDS sex. You won't die if you don't get it.

[hornytwells]

Talk to your partner about counselling. Individual and couples.

 

No one can predict where counseling will take you, but it should at least be an orderly process.

 

Take online advice with a grain of salt. Almost everyone means well.... but no one can offer opinions without being influenced by their own values and experiences.

 

Try professional help. If your partner refuses help, you can still seek help for yourself, how you respond to your situation, and your own planning. Your partners refusal also gives you one more piece of information to evaluate.

 

I have opinions based on what youve written. Predictions too. This is one of those times, I think it would be irresponsible to say more than... get qualified professional help.

I think Laffing bear has given the kindest and most constructive advice here, I would recommend those options too

[+ José Soplanucas]

I agree. But then why all the hubbub surrounding it? Why get married in the first place if it means so little? It either means something because you've pushed for it or it doesn't. You can't have it both ways. Well, you can, but the very idea of marriage has become so much of a sham because of this very attitude. YOU aren't giving ME what I want. And if YOU don't change, I'm leaving. Now that's commitment.

 

No one NEEDS sex. You won't die if you don't get it.

 

I disagree. You probably do not have a very high sex drive. I would not die without sex, but I do need it to be happy, satisfied, and mentally healthy.

About marriage, if you agree with me, what is the problem? It is just a paper, the actual definition of the relationship depends on an unofficial contract agreed on by the partners. There are many reasons to get married, and there are many ways to live the relationship.

[Becket]

You're a couple. Married for many years. That's something to be proud of and joyful about. I hear alot about hetero couples in sexless marriages. They say it's really difficult. It must be for you and your husband as well. No easy answers. Not on this site, not anywhere else. But if both of you still are interested in having some sort of sex, alone or separately, it's worth some work together as a couple. This site does help you contact guys who might be happy to be a third, if that is something you decide to experience. I can think of one or two that would be honored to help out. There are some really good guys in our midst.

 

It must be tough what you're going through. Lots of patient listeners around. I'd use that resource for sure.

[+ WmClarke]

I agree. But then why all the hubbub surrounding it? Why get married in the first place if it means so little? It either means something because you've pushed for it or it doesn't. You can't have it both ways. Well, you can, but the very idea of marriage has become so much of a sham because of this very attitude. YOU aren't giving ME what I want. And if YOU don't change, I'm leaving. Now that's commitment.

That cuts both ways. Why should the OP do nothing when his partner won't even discuss the problems.? I'M not giving YOU what I used to; I changed--YOU suck it up and stay with me.

 

Mariage is, in essence, a contract. If you change what you bring into the agreement, the original contract is null and void; time to renegotiate, as it were.

 

 

No one NEEDS sex. You won't die if you don't get it.

Some people do need sex. I do. Without sex, I am not happy--sometimes so unhappy I wished I was dead. I've done the "sexless marriage" thing. I will be dead rather than go through that again.

 

So if the the sex is good, and then it changes to bad and/or non-existent, something needs to change. Counseling, cheating, or divorce. Nothing wrong with any of those options. Sounds like the OP's husband is not open to counseling. That leaves cheating or divorce.

[dixietony]

I disagree. You probably do not have a very high sex drive. I would not die without sex, but I do need it to be happy, satisfied, and mentally healthy.

About marriage, if you agree with me, what is the problem? It is just a paper, the actual definition of the relationship depends on an unofficial contract agreed on by the partners. There are many reasons to get married, and there are many ways to live the relationship.

 

We disagree on the term "marriage." It's not just a piece of paper. What you are describing, the type of relationship where you define what it means, is not marriage. My opinion. Marriage is a unique type of relationship.

 

People get married for all reasons. My dad married his live in girlfriend so that she could be on his health insurance. That may be marriage in legal terms, but it's not marriage.

 

But I've highjacked this thread. Sorry. May be I'll start a thread in the open topic section.

[+ José Soplanucas]

We disagree on the term "marriage." It's not just a piece of paper. What you are describing, the type of relationship where you define what it means, is not marriage. My opinion. Marriage is a unique type of relationship.

 

People get married for all reasons. My dad married his live in girlfriend so that she could be on his health insurance. That may be marriage in legal terms, but it's not marriage.

 

But I've highjacked this thread. Sorry. May be I'll start a thread in the open topic section.

 

I am not sure you did, the discussion is relevant to the OP's concern.

 

So you have the definition of marriage. I understand is the holly union of a man and a woman, blessed by God, and only terminated by the death of one of the partners. Right?

[eyesopen]

I'm confused. Why is this in the Deli escort discussion forum again?

[SuenosAmor]

I disagree. You probably do not have a very high sex drive. I would not die without sex, but I do need it to be happy, satisfied, and mentally healthy.

 

Yeah, I agree with you. I don't need sex, but I wouldn't be as happy without it. Being naked with a hot guy contributes to good mental health. That's why when your friends see you with a huge grin on your face, they say, "Did you just get laid?"

[Good Grief]

I am not sure you did, the discussion is relevant to the OP's concern.

 

So you have the definition of marriage. I understand is the holly union of a man and a woman, blessed by God, and only terminated by the death of one of the partners. Right?

 

Merry Christmas.