Death Of An Almost Family Member...

[+ Gar1eth]

I'm feeling a bit melancholy. My brother called me yesterday and told me his father-in-law had died at the age of 92. Now while I wasn't buddy-buddy with Mr. R, I had known him since I was 10 or 11 years old-so our acquaintanceship spanned 46 years. My brother is around 6 years older than I am. He met his future wife right before the start of their sophomore year in high school when they were 15. They started going out when he was 16 and married at 22.

 

My entire family is/was, while not being buddy-buddy, very friendly with my sister-in-law's family. She has two younger sisters that I fall between age-wise, and I was in the same high school with each of them. Mr and Mrs. R invited us over for Christmas dinner a few times (our family not celebrating as we are Jewish) so we could see my brother when they were in town for Christmas. When the R's moved away from our town, they stayed at my parents once or twice when they came back to visit. I was invited to each of his daughters weddings. My parents, my aunt and uncle, and I were invited to their 50th wedding anniversary. They (Mr. R and his wife) were invited to my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary. There were multiple other celebrations we shared over the years. As you can see our families, got along very well.

 

Mr. R and his wife even came to my bar mitzvah. My brother and his future wife must have been going out about three years at that point. I have a vague memory of Mr. R saying it was the first bar mitzvah he had ever been to, and he told me he was quite impressed at the way I had learned the Hebrew and conducted the service (I grew up in a congregation of about 100 families. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs were not a weekly occurrence as they are in larger congregations. So we celebrants actually did more than just read the Torah and Haftorah portions. We conducted the majority of the service ourselves.)

 

I don't think I had seen Mr.R in around 5 or 6 years. I was also a bit melancholy when his wife died two years ago. Thinking about it-unless I reach the age of 92/3 myself -I will have known Mr. R a majority of my life, and now he's gone.

 

On top of that I just received a text from my mother. My father who has terminal Alzheimer's and is in a care facility has a low grade temp of 100.4. He has an indwelling catheter which I wasn't happy about when it was 1st placed. And now it's been in so long they are afraid to take it out in case there is swelling causing an inability to pee. So he has a chronic UTI. He has a DNR order. I honestly don't know what is best right now. We don't want him to suffer-but we don't want him to die. Even if he doesn't really know us at the moment, he can still be made to smile by showing him pictures of the children my great-nephews/nieces his great-grandchildren.

 

Not starting out as an auspicious week.

 

Gman

[+ poolboy48220]

Family is what you want it to be. I have a cousin-in-law (my sister's husband's cousin) that I consider close family.

[+ bashful]

Gman,

 

Sounds like your “almost family”, though not related by blood, is family. OK to feel that way. My condolences.

 

Wishing you courage as you navigate your father’s challenges. My father had a DNR. When he had his stroke, we had to accept the reality of what it entailed, that in effect, nature would take its course. Not easy, but that was his wish.

[+ poolboy48220]

Cousin-in-law notwithstanding, I've been considered a family member by the family of my best friend from high school. They invite me to the family celebration on Christmas Eve, and I'm even a part of the family's private group on Facebook. Wonderful people, I feel privileged.

[+ FreshFluff]

I'm sorry, Gman. It sounds like your brother's FIL was a good guy who validated you during your teen years.

[rvwnsd]

I'm so sorry to hear of your loss and of your father's current situation. Hang in there, gman.

[+ deej]

Not starting out as an auspicious week.

 

It won't help any but I'm having a similar week.

 

A cousin, who I basically grew up with, was hospitalized with stage 4 cancer in lungs, throat and lymph nodes. Stage 4 ANYTHING is never good.

 

Today his father (my uncle) was hospitalized with issues related to diabetes.

 

He has a DNR order. I honestly don't know what is best right now.

 

Honor his wishes. That is most important. It's DIFFICULT AS HELL, but your issues don't matter.

[+ Kufrol]

Death ends a life, but it doesn't necessarily end a relationship. Family, friends, and faith have sustained me through good and perplexing tines. My hope is you realize you have plenty of each as you sort through these challenging and sad transitions.

[+ Gar1eth]

It won't help any but I'm having a similar week.

 

A cousin, who I basically grew up with, was hospitalized with stage 4 cancer in lungs, throat and lymph nodes. Stage 4 ANYTHING is never good.

 

Today his father (my uncle) was hospitalized with issues related to diabetes.

 

 

 

Honor his wishes. That is most important. It's DIFFICULT AS HELL, but your issues don't matter.

 

I'm so sorry about your cousin and uncle.

 

As for my Dad, I'm not sure if he ever expressed wishes. Talk like that always disturbed my Dad whereas my Mom has flatly said she doesn't want any extraordinary measures if it's hopeless. What my Mom has decided, and we (my brother, sister, and I) have agreed is to keep him comfortable. The problem is we have indications he is uncomfortable-he's restless and he hums. But we don't know what is causing the pain. I have suspicions it might be at least partially the catheter. But in the end we don't know. We've. Even a bit wishy-washy in that we like to see him awake. But my Mom has made the decision thst rather than seeing him restless or possibly in pain he can't express that we will increase his narcotics and benzodiazepines to keep him calm. I'd be worried about drugging him senseless. But even when the doses are low, he isn't really there as far as we can tell.

 

The other problem is my Mom-she spends hours with him each day. It's not good for her. But she feels guilty if she isn't there. This is a small care home (after having been in three large places which were terrible) where there are only three or four other residents aside from my Dad-all women. The others only have family/friends who come intermittently. But Mom, G-d love her, is there daily feeding Dad lunch and sometimes dinner. She's beginning to go home a bit earlier sometimes. But it's wearing on her. This has been going on over a year now. She is so devoted. It's a credit to her. But we worry about her too. She is under so much stress. Dad, we hope is so out of it that he's mostly ok with things-although no way to know for sure. But we worry constantly about my Mom too.

 

Gman

[BasketBaller]

I'm feeling a bit melancholy. My brother called me yesterday and told me his father-in-law had died at the age of 92. Now while I wasn't buddy-buddy with Mr. R, I had known him since I was 10 or 11 years old-so our acquaintanceship spanned 46 years. My brother is around 6 years older than I am. He met his future wife right before the start of their sophomore year in high school when they were 15. They started going out when he was 16 and married at 22.

 

My entire family is/was, while not being buddy-buddy, very friendly with my sister-in-law's family. She has two younger sisters that I fall between age-wise, and I was in the same high school with each of them. Mr and Mrs. R invited us over for Christmas dinner a few times (our family not celebrating as we are Jewish) so we could see my brother when they were in town for Christmas. When the R's moved away from our town, they stayed at my parents once or twice when they came back to visit. I was invited to each of his daughters weddings. My parents, my aunt and uncle, and I were invited to their 50th wedding anniversary. They (Mr. R and his wife) were invited to my aunt and uncle's 50th wedding anniversary. There were multiple other celebrations we shared over the years. As you can see our families, got along very well.

 

Mr. R and his wife even came to my bar mitzvah. My brother and his future wife must have been going out about three years at that point. I have a vague memory of Mr. R saying it was the first bar mitzvah he had ever been to, and he told me he was quite impressed at the way I had learned the Hebrew and conducted the service (I grew up in a congregation of about 100 families. Bar/Bat Mitzvahs were not a weekly occurrence as they are in larger congregations. So we celebrants actually did more than just read the Torah and Haftorah portions. We conducted the majority of the service ourselves.)

 

I don't think I had seen Mr.R in around 5 or 6 years. I was also a bit melancholy when his wife died two years ago. Thinking about it-unless I reach the age of 92/3 myself -I will have known Mr. R a majority of my life, and now he's gone.

 

On top of that I just received a text from my mother. My father who has terminal Alzheimer's and is in a care facility has a low grade temp of 100.4. He has an indwelling catheter which I wasn't happy about when it was 1st placed. And now it's been in so long they are afraid to take it out in case there is swelling causing an inability to pee. So he has a chronic UTI. He has a DNR order. I honestly don't know what is best right now. We don't want him to suffer-but we don't want him to die. Even if he doesn't really know us at the moment, he can still be made to smile by showing him pictures of the children my great-nephews/nieces his great-grandchildren.

 

Not starting out as an auspicious week.

 

My condolences, Gman. Extended family is still family. Be happy you knew Mr. and Mrs. R and remember them always. How wonderful that Mr. R's first Bar Mitzvah was yours. My late wife's family has been a huge, important part of our lives and I have committed to keeping them involved.

 

As for your parents, my sympathies are with you. My grandpa died in a big, corporate care facility where his kidney failure was basically ignored until he died, and they covered up a lot of neglect after his death. It's so hard to know what to do in such situations, but I will always regret that we didn't raise holy hell when things seemed off.

[+ quoththeraven]

I am so sorry, Gman.

 

As for your mom: worrying doesn't help. Is there someone who can do some of the things she does who could convince her to cut back on the time she spends there? Insist that she take care of her basic needs. The rest is between her and God. She is likely getting more out of being there than she is losing. And at least she is not caring for him at home. I saw my stepmother age ten years in a short period of time caring for my father, who had hydrocephalus, not Alzheimer's, at home.

[AdamSmith]

End of life is a natural, and inevitable, thing.

 

The most and best we can do is to make it as painless as possible for the one passing.

 

And process our own pain with whatever means we have, and try to learn and grow a little bit larger in the doing.

 

Deepest sympathies.

[+ Charlie]

It is hard to resist the urge to intervene when you see loved ones in pain and making choices that you think are not good for them, but your parents need support more than advice. My mother refused to tell my father that his condition was terminal when the doctor revealed it to us; I thought it was a mistake, but it was her decision to make, so I kept my mouth shut to my father. I also was very unhappy that she did not tell me till the night before he died that it was time for me to come home, even though I had asked her just the day before that whether it was time for me to come home to say good-bye to him. As a result, I couldn't get there until hours after he died, but she felt she was saving me from an experience that I would find too painful. All I could do was accept her reason and forgive her.

[jawjateck]

Gman, blessings to you and prayers for you.

[JayCeeKy]

Gman, they say that "memories are the last gift of love." May your memories sustain you through a difficult time.

[marylander1940]

Family is what you want it to be. I have a cousin-in-law (my sister's husband's cousin) that I consider close family.

 

Besides our friends become our family too.

[+ bashful]

"memories are the last gift of love."

 

That made me cry.

[OneFinger]

Totally understand the stress of this situation. Stay strong and hang in there. Hoping that you can find some peace and comfort.

[+ Gar1eth]

I don't want to overstate my feelings about Mr. R. I am a bit melancholy. It's weird to think he's not physically around anymore. But I probably haven't seen him in 5 or 6 years. I think I felt it a bit more a few years ago when Mrs. R died.

 

Now the situation with my father-that (naturally) affects me a lot more. Every time I get a text or an email from my Mom or brother/sister my stomach clenches. I'm just waiting/dreading for the inevitable final call.

 

Mom has been shortening her vigils somewhat but not much. Part of this is due to transportation issues. She doesn't drive anymore. My brother had been out of work and was available to some extent to help her. He now, thankfully, has a new job, so isn't available as much. Without him she has to depend mostly on a driver from the retirement community where she lives.

 

Gman

[RandyC]

His wings were ready to take him,

Your heart wasn't ready to let him go.