Is something wrong with me or am I running with the wrong group?

[Atlantagaguy]

I was out last night with some new friends and the conversation came up with what each of us were into for a lover/boyfriend. I was not as comfortable with the conversation as others, most of the answers were based on the guy’s dick, looks, ass, body size, age and/or ethnicity. When it got to me I told them the main thing I look for is someone who is intelligent enough to carry on a conversation, someone that has a good heart and cares for others. I look for a man that loves to travel and has an interest in sports, arts and theater. After my answer I really felt weird the rest of the night how the group treated me. For an example have you ever been at the big table and each person sitting next to you turns their back on you and has conversation with the others and leaves you without anyone to talk to. How would you answer that question?

[big-n-tall]

Wrong group!

 

Each of has what they want or think is an ideal in a potential partner. All of your "friends" think a relationship is based purely on sexual desire. It's important, but I don't think any long term relationship will work based solely on sex. Well unless you're paying for it.

 

Furthermore, if your "friends" ostracize you for wanting something more than the physical... than I question whether they are truly your friends, in my opinion. That's a lame thing to do to someone, let alone a friend.

 

Maybe I'm wrong, but do what makes you happy dude.

[+ Truereview]

Or perhaps it was the wrong situation?

 

I'm thinking you made your friends feel uncomfortable with your true feelings. I would venture to say they just didn't have the balls to express what you did, and their "turning their back" on you is more a sign of their own embarrassment. Social situations are hard to gauge, particularly if the topic speaks to deeply held emotions or belief. I tend to speak my mind in social situations and then regret it bc I misjudged the impact of my own true emotions or bc the timing was just not socially on cue. You would think your friends would "save" you from awkwardness, but sometimes they just can't or won't.

 

I would not necessarily rule out this group of friends or judge them too quickly. They may just not be used to someone standing up for what they truly feel. Cut them a break and if they continue such behavior, maybe they are not for you. I often feel what you felt, but when I go one-on-one with folks, I find many of them felt exactly how I did, but they just didn't have the courage or didn't feel the time was right. I've learned from their better sense of timing. Maybe you could pick someone in the group you respect and have a more private discussion and see how they perceived the situation?

[Irtwo]

It's hard to say. It depends on the way you said it. It could have come across to them as pretentious and phony. It's like when you ask a group how they would spend a million dollars if they won the lottery, and everyone gives a fantasy reply (buy a yacht, etc.) and then one person says "I wouldn't spend a dime on myself, I would give it all to charity to help world suffering". It shames everyone else and makes them seem superficial, which no one likes.

[Rudynate]

That group may be good for some things but not other things. I used to think I was weird because I had small circles of friends, in which the circles were very different from each other. I was afraid it indicated I had a fragmented personality or poorly developed social skills or something like that. But each group provided something that none of the other groups did.

[TruthBTold]

I would not judge based on one evening's revelations about relationships. I can remember feeling agitated that a group I had recently been introduced to expressed such things. Then I realized that that although I certainly wanted more than good looks and a particular type of body those were always going to be part of what I was looking for.

[+ glennnn]

I think maybe your response made them feel shallow as Irtwo suggested above. When you want to change up a conversation, it is wise to signal it."I love a big cock too, but what about the other aspects of a relationship? Do you prefer someone who loves to travel or a homebody? " Then let them talk about it. If the group stays focused on sex alone, let it go. They are into horny talk at the moment and you either join them or hold your peace. Sometimes guys just want to scratch that libido! We do it all the time on Daddy's. Other times we get serious and open to deeper thoughts. Right? Some threads are conversational mutual masturbation, and some are self-revelatory. Some can jump back and forth. Don't give up on your friends too soon.

[+ sync]

My take is that you and your friends may have been addressing two different issues. Their criteria are more indicative of a lover/boyfriend, while your criteria are more indicative of a life partner.

[rvwnsd]

...After my answer I really felt weird the rest of the night how the group treated me. For an example have you ever been at the big table and each person sitting next to you turns their back on you and has conversation with the others and leaves you without anyone to talk to. How would you answer that question?

 

I can see why you would feel uncomfortable after this exchange. Your friends treated you badly. Does that make them unworthy of your friendship? Not sure. You might have outgrown this group and/or they might be fun to casually hang around with but not get into philosophical discussions with. I've always had a small circle of very close friends. At one time I envied people who had dozens of friends, but then I realized that a small group of like-minded souls suited me better. You might want to evaluate whether this type of thing occurs on a regular basis and at the same time start building friendships with people who think and act like you do.

 

Getting back to the discussion topic that started all of this, it sounds like the others in your group answered the question "what kind of guys do you find physically attractive." For some, that is the basis of what they look for in a boyfriend. That would explain, in large part, why so many couples have drama-filled relationships.

[+ quoththeraven]

I am less willing than others here to forgive or ignore their turning their backs on you. Even if they thought you were being self-righteous or a goody two-shoes, true friends normally crack a joke about it or otherwise address the conflict rather than freeze someone out the rest of the evening.

 

How much more time to invest in them is up to you. If this is out-of-character, it may be too soon to call it quits. But don't hang on if the relationship is increasingly uncomfortable. Or maybe you stay friends with some but not all.

[+ Truereview]

I am less willing than others here to forgive or ignore their turning their backs on you. Even if they thought you were being self-righteous or a goody two-shoes, true friends normally crack a joke about it or itherwise address the conflict rather than freeze someone out the rest of the evening.

 

How much more time to invest in them is up to you. If this is out-of-character, it may be too soon to call it quits. But don't hang on if the relationship is increasingly uncomfortable. Or maybe you stay friends with some but not all.

Yes, Daria.

[+ WilliamM]

I am less willing than others here to forgive or ignore their turning their backs on you. Even if they thought you were being self-righteous or a goody two-shoes, true friends normally crack a joke about it or itherwise address the conflict rather than freeze someone out the rest of the evening.

 

How much more time to invest in them is up to you. If this is out-of-character, it may be too soon to call it quits. But don't hang on if the relationship is increasingly uncomfortable. Or maybe you stay friends with some but not all.

 

Partly agree. Some friendships are smooth and without problems for decades, others are definitely not. I was in a similar situation once with people who remind me of OP's friends. I was the one to crack several jokes to defuse the situation. We stayed 'friends' for a while.

 

I am very glad we did because one of the guys helped me greatly years later when I was in some danger of being fired from a job.

[Guest]

I agree with what many have said here, including Irtwo and QTR. It's difficult to comment without having been there, but it does seem a little strange that they completely turned their backs on you the whole evening, unless you were behaving in a supercilious manner. You said that this was a new group of friends. Maybe they knew each other more than they knew you, so were just more comfortable talking amongst themselves. Assuming you're still in contact with any of them, I would just go ask one of them how you came off, and if it was just your impression that they were giving you the cold shoulder. And, to answer your original question, yes there is something wrong with you. No one's perfect.

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

How would you answer that question?

 

Upon hearing my friends focus on physical characteristics, I would have simply responded enough to participate in the conversation at the level they were and respond, "for me, it is that look in the eyes."

[MikeyGMin]

We may be gay, but we're still dudes. I have always found that men's discomfort talking about real feelings is directly related to and proportional to the size of the group. I can talk to my close friends about anything one-on-one, but even when it is just three of us, we generally shy away from anything too deep.

 

If it was a table full of light banter and you suddenly got serious, I can see why that might stop a conversation in its tracks. It doesn't explain what was going on if they truly froze you out for the rest of the evening.

[+ FreshFluff]

We may be gay, but we're still dudes. I have always found that men's discomfort talking about real feelings is directly related to and proportional to the size of the group. I can talk to my close friends about anything one-on-one, but even when it is just three of us, we generally shy away from anything too deep.

 

If it was a table full of light banter and you suddenly got serious, I can see why that might stop a conversation in its tracks. It doesn't explain what was going on if they truly froze you out for the rest of the evening.

 

This.

[+ friendofsheila]

After my answer I really felt weird the rest of the night how the group treated me. For an example have you ever been at the big table and each person sitting next to you turns their back on you and has conversation with the others and leaves you without anyone to talk to.

 

Whatta buncha butt-wipes.

 

As long as you didn't treat THEM like they were shallow for giving their answers, no reason for them to treat you that way.

[+ friendofsheila]

most of the answers were based on the guy’s dick, looks, ass, body size, age and/or ethnicity.

 

Once gay marriage becomes the law of the land, THIS is why the divorce courts will be, percentage-wise, filled with just as many of "us" as "them."

[+ nycman]

You're "group" is a bunch of shallow, ignorant, whores....

 

Please introduce me...they sound like fun!

[LADoug1]

It depends on whether you want to spend time with a group of immature guys who put sex talk first and are limited in terms of self-reflection and matters not concerning sex. BTW I'm with you in terms of considering long term non-sexuality compatibility more important than initial sexual attraction and likes.

[jawjateck]

Men are beasts.....tsk tsk tsk.....can't live with 'em.....can't live without 'em.

 

P.S. OP, you're fine.

[MikeyGMin]

BTW I'm with you in terms of considering long term non-sexuality compatibility more important than initial sexual attraction and likes.

 

I'm the exact opposite. I believe that if the sex isn't great in the beginning, the relationship is doomed. It's the glue that binds you together. It's vital to the intimacy required to establish and maintain a relationship. It is the thing that washes away small differences and disputes.

 

I believe its importance decreases over time, but I would never proceed with a relationship that wasn't smoking hot in the beginning. No matter how compatible it seemed in the long term.

 

Guess I'm just one shallow bitch.

[mike carey]

I'm the exact opposite. I believe that if the sex isn't great in the beginning, the relationship is doomed.

As a reader of Dan Savage (ok I accept much of what he says but not everything), I'd have to say that sex is important, and even agree that great sex at the start is essential. But it's not everything. Once a relationship is established other things may become more central to the relationship. Maintaining the relationship could become more important than maintaining sexual exclusivity within it.

[instudiocity]

This scenario sounds like an episode of Queer as Folks Brian's getting laid again while Michael's in a angst over the right guy.

 

Everybody loves Brian's charisma while everyone wants Michael for a life partner.

[rvwnsd]

I am less willing than others here to forgive or ignore their turning their backs on you. Even if they thought you were being self-righteous or a goody two-shoes, true friends normally crack a joke about it or otherwise address the conflict rather than freeze someone out the rest of the evening....

 

I agree with QTR. Their reaction might warrant a conversation about why they treated you that way.

 

If you don't mind me asking, what age group are we talking about?