Insult or Faint Praise?

[+ purplekow]

i recently had an encounter in which a person i did not know, in a professional setting, started off the encounter by saying: "You look much older than you do in the photo in you brochure." I replied, that indeed a month had passed since the photo was taken and that he was: "more observant than he looked"

 

A friend and I are having a disagreement as to whether or not there is a difference between the two statements.

I say that his statement was an offense and mine was a statement which damned with faint praise.

Her point of view is that his statement was a faux pas and mine was an insult.

 

Anyone care to support one of the other, or perhaps care to offer another classification. I know this is a semantic issue, but i am interested in the shadings in the use of words and I am curious if I should refine my thinking.

[+ FreshFluff]

i recently had an encounter in which a person i did not know, in a professional setting, started off the encounter by saying: "You look much older than you do in the photo in you brochure." I replied, that indeed a month had passed since the photo was taken and that he was: "more observant than he looked"

 

A friend and I are having a disagreement as to whether or not there is a difference between the two statements.

I say that his statement was an offense and mine was a statement which damned with faint praise.

Her point of view is that his statement was a faux pas and mine was an insult.

 

Anyone care to support one of the other, or perhaps care to offer another classification. I know this is a semantic issue, but i am interested in the shadings in the use of words and I am curious if I should refine my thinking.

 

I would have taken it as an insult. I'd call your reply a faux insult, a funny way to defuse an awkward moment. A call it a faux insult since, as you only had only met him minutes earlier, it would not have been possible for you to judge how observant he was.

 

Some would say that it's better to smile, take these insults on the the chin, and change the topic. I'm not sure I would have been able to do that though.

 

Edit: Your tone would also affect how the remark would be taken.

[bigvalboy]

I'm with your friend. I would have taken his comment as a faux pas, and probably not responded beyond a smile, whereas I look at your comment more as an insult, clever though it may be.

[+ Gar1eth]

Is there really any difference between 'damning with faint praise' and an insult? I can't think of any instance where one 'damns with faint praise' lovingly.

 

Gman

[AdamSmith]

You used droll sarcasm to point out that he was being a clod.

 

Whether his comment was from deliberate malice or just social obtuseness, consider you constructively educated him by calling his attention to it in manner that invited him to feel somewhat the way his comment made you feel.

[+ WilliamM]

I'm with your friend. I would have taken his comment as a faux pas' date=' and probably not responded beyond a smile, whereas I look at your comment more as an insult, clever though it may be.[/quote']

 

+1

[wayout]

You used droll sarcasm to point out that he was being a clod.

 

Whether his comment was from deliberate malice or just social obtuseness, consider you constructively educated him by calling his attention to it in manner that invited him to feel somewhat the way his comment made you feel.

 

+1

[Guest Starbuck]

The other guy insulted you for no reason at all. Provoked by his rudeness, you insulted him right back. The real distinction isn't between the remarks; it's that the other guy is an asshole and you helpfully pointed that out to him. Maybe he'll think twice before he opens his mouth next time. (In which case, I guess your response would qualify as a Public Service Announcement.)

[+ sync]

You did well, PK. That person is fortunate in that the comment was not made to certain individuals I know.

[+ Cock Eyed Optimist]

+2 (To Adam Smith's post)

[tom1980]

Since I love to argue semantics, I'll throw in my 2 cents. Whether something is an insult or faint praise depends on whether the insult is implied by the comment or explicit. For example, telling a woman you like the way she did her makeup "today" is faint praise (or a backhanded compliment) because it implies that you do not like the way she does it the rest of the time. PK's statement was an insult because it explicitly pointed out that the fool with whom he was dealing looked like an unobservant idiot. If the other guy had said that PK looks younger in the brochure photo (instead of saying he looks old in person), that might also be viewed as a backhanded compliment or faint praise.

[+ quoththeraven]

What the guy said was insensitive. You pointed it out. I'm willing to go with "insult" (albeit not necessarily a conscious one) for the first and faint praise for the second, but I've got a high tolerance for clever snark and am not sure it much matters what we call each statement.

[gallahadesquire]

An older colleague once greeted me with "you've gotten fat," and the temptation to say either "you've gotten old" or "you've gotten ugly" was almost undeniable.

 

I think a smile and a quip such as "I was out of town, they had to substitute my portrait" [ala Dorian Gray] might have been sufficiently snarky.

[Guest]

I very much agree with FreshFluff that the tone with which the retort was made makes a big difference. I agree with Miss Manners that one should not respond to rudeness (and the stranger's remark was certainly rude) with more rudeness. If said with a smile, PK's response, albeit somewhat snide, was simply humorous verbal judo--a polite way of pointing out the stranger's rudeness without resorting to escalating insults. As a fan of Miss Manners, I note that she often suggests similar types of replies, adding that she would give the response with a smile.

[+ Charlie]

I very much agree with FreshFluff that the tone with which the retort was made makes a big difference. I agree with Miss Manners that one should not respond to rudeness (and the stranger's remark was certainly rude) with more rudeness. If said with a smile, PK's response, albeit somewhat snide, was simply humorous verbal judo--a polite way of pointing out the stranger's rudeness without resorting to escalating insults. As a fan of Miss Manners, I note that she often suggests similar types of replies, adding that she would give the response with a smile.

+1

 

But I also think that whether the comment was rude or an insult depends on context. In some situations, being told you look older than your photo could be intended as a compliment (even though you didn't take it that way).

[+ purplekow]

+1

 

But I also think that whether the comment was rude or an insult depends on context. In some situations, being told you look older than your photo could be intended as a compliment (even though you didn't take it that way).

Charlie i have reached an age, that looking older would never be construed as a compliment. I did point out that I was indeed a month older since the photo was taken, so i conceded that it was indeed possible that I looked older, as in fact, as with all photos taken, the subject of a photo is as it was at that time not the present.

[Becket]

Any compliment, however "back handed" is welcomed for a guy my age. Take it and run. Cheers

[+ Charlie]

I think your reply was not really "damning with faint praise" (the praise is genuine, but so much less than would be expected under the circumstances that it suggests the recipient has fallen short), but rather a "backhanded compliment" (an intended insult disguised as a compliment).

[+ newatthis]

I'm with your friend. I would have taken his comment as a faux pas, and probably not responded beyond a smile, whereas I look at your comment more as an insult, clever though it may be.

 

You used droll sarcasm to point out that he was being a clod.

 

Whether his comment was from deliberate malice or just social obtuseness, consider you constructively educated him by calling his attention to it in manner that invited him to feel somewhat the way his comment made you feel.

 

Not surprisingly, there are 2 opposing points of view on this. If this person's business or friendship is important, I'd go with bigvalboy. (Also if I'm a wimp.) If not, I'd go with AdamSmith (also if I'm feeling curmudgeonly).

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

PK - I have to ask, was the photo professionally taken? When my employer needed a photo for a press release, I was sent to the company's photographer. When the proofs back, my marketing rep said to me, "he did a great job with the lighting, you look five years younger."

 

As many of the escorts on this site can tell you, a good photographer can position you in a certain way and use lighting to highlight your best features to give a more youthful, energetic appearance.

[Diverdan]

Without knowing much more about the context in which this exchange took place, I find it hard to judge the statement. Was the person who made the remark a friend of someone else with you at that time? Was this a first time meeting with someone with whom you hope to do business, or does he want to do business with you? Was it a strictly social situation? I have had similar experiences, but the context helped me understand it better. In any event, there are better ways to start a conversation !!!!!!!!!!!!

[+ poolboy48220]

Like Unicorn, I'm a big fan of Miss Manners. She doesn't consider being old (or 'old-fashioned') and insult, but she might recommend something like "How nice of you to say so!" Not rude, but definitely gets the point across.

 

"I do hope I keep getting older, given the alternative" is something I've used to defuse cloddishness like that in the past.

[AdamSmith]

Not surprisingly, there are 2 opposing points of view on this. If this person's business or friendship is important, I'd go with bigvalboy. (Also if I'm a wimp.) If not, I'd go with AdamSmith (also if I'm feeling curmudgeonly).

 

The voice of wisdom!

 

Actually if a friend said such a thing to me I would probably let it pass, but if it was a client I think I would be sorely tempted to fire him.

 

One of the few luxuries of running one's own biz.

[+ purplekow]

The photo was taken by the corporate photographer who does PR work, so in that sense it was professionally done Since then, I have lost some weight, shaved my beard and dyed my hair, theoretically to look better. As you might imagine, looking older was not the goal.

This was in a professional setting in which i was offering the services and he was coming in to seek them out. My appearance has little to do with my work product and is inconsequential to the work itself. The exchange took place right after the hello, nice to meet you part of the conversation.