Lost and Confused

[SomethingFun]

I found out recently that my husband is an escort, has been for a while(10 months now, found out 3 months ago.) He says that it's just a job, and that he can separate him self from being an escort, and loving me.
One of the main issue that I have is that he hides everything from me. His facebook, his friends. How do I trust him? should I trust him?  Is it truly just a line of work?

Our own sex life has gone down hill, he's willing to be erotic for them, but not for me. 

any advice would be nice.

 

Thank you in advance

[MscleLovr]

I suspect you already know the answer @David Diddle

Apologies in advice if you find my views robust. I think that in time, there will be healing and forgiveness. But that time is not now.
My view that if I married a man who was secretive by nature and turned out to have an entirely secret life, I’d skip counselling and seek a good divorce attorney at once.

If you used the term husband loosely, and you’re not legally married, I guess you should protect your finances and yourself promptly.

If you have a joint bank account, move your share before he empties the account.

If you own where you live, change the locks.

Get a full health check.

[SomethingFun]

we are legally married as of January. There are no joint accounts. every thing is separate.

[+ FrankR]

Make a list of the attributes you expect from a marriages. I suspect you will find very few of them apply in your case… He isn’t honest, he didn’t communicate, he didn’t care how his decision impacted you. Bottom line: he lied to you from before the day you got married. How could you trust him? His behavior could meet the definition of fraud, so speak to an attorney and get an annulment or divorce. 

[+ JamesB]

In my opinion, the core issue here isn’t necessarily that he works as an escort, people can have all kinds of professions or make personal choices for a variety of reasons. The real problem is that he chose to keep it from you. In any committed relationship, transparency and trust are essential. When one partner withholds something this significant, it creates a deep rupture in the foundation of that trust.

From my own experience and from what I’ve seen in others' lives, once that trust is broken, it’s incredibly difficult, if not impossible, to fully restore it. You begin to question everything: what else has been hidden, and what can you believe going forward.

As painful as it is, I agree with the advice others have already offered: consult a lawyer, get a divorce and move on. It may not feel like it now, but protecting your emotional well-being and long-term peace is worth making that difficult choice. You deserve honesty, respect, and someone who values the truth as much as you do.

[SomethingFun]

I would like to thank those that replied, and gave insight. There were deeper conserns than what I had asked, and am taking the proper steps.

[wsc]

On 6/22/2025 at 2:54 AM, SomethingFun said:

we are legally married as of January. There are no joint accounts. every thing is separate.

I don't think having a partner that works as an escort would necessarily be a dealbreaker for me; I might even count myself lucky to have someone so presumably good looking that they can pull it off - so to speak. But doing it clandestinely behind my back would almost definitely bring about a quick end of things.

This (January marriage) means he was escorting for several months before the marriage, told you nothing about it beforehand, and went ahead with the vows anyway. That level of withholding (or more technically, deceit) is off the charts. This was not a lie of commission but of omission, but there is little if any difference in the consequences. The problem with any discovered lie is never knowing when the next one comes. As a lawyer says to impeach a dishonest witness, "Were you lying then or are you lying now?" We now know the "then" in this case but will not know the next "now" unless and until we uncover another lie.

But you already know all this. The solution comes down to the answers to two questions: (1) Do you still love him? and (2) Can you live with a life filled with uncertainty?

I wish you best.

Edited Sunday at 10:53 PM by wsc
Spelling correction

[nate_sf]

30 minutes ago, wsc said:

That level of withholding (or more technically, deceit) is off the charts.

I'd agree... it's majorly fucked up, and I don't know how you can salvage things from there.

Escorting is not necessarily incompatible with being married or being in a relationship. It might be surprising how many working guys are in long-term relationships while carrying on with their escort work. In my instance, I run everything past my husband... is it OK for me to go to Palm Springs? Do you mind if I take an appointment tonight? No secrets, I tell him everything. Of course, once upon a time he was also an escort, so he gets it. We've also been together a very long time, so there's trust that's built up over time.

The fact that your guy hides everything from you (friends, Facebook) is bad enough, and doesn't make good prospects for a relationship. But hiding his escort work is a real whopper.

[+ PhileasFogg]

@SomethingFun, I’m glad you’re dealing with it.  After 20 yrs of marriage, I learned my first wife had developed a secret life on the side and refused to be transparent.  It wasn’t what she might have been doing that I couldn’t accept, it was the opaqueness   

Marriage has become easy.   But divorce is not.   You’ve seen the light and cut bait early.  CONGRATULATIONS on owning your destiny.  

[+ SirBillybob]

For reading: author with status Evan Imber-Black on toxic secrecy. 

[SomethingFun]

22 hours ago, nate_sf said:

I'd agree... it's majorly fucked up, and I don't know how you can salvage things from there.

Escorting is not necessarily incompatible with being married or being in a relationship. It might be surprising how many working guys are in long-term relationships while carrying on with their escort work. In my instance, I run everything past my husband... is it OK for me to go to Palm Springs? Do you mind if I take an appointment tonight? No secrets, I tell him everything. Of course, once upon a time he was also an escort, so he gets it. We've also been together a very long time, so there's trust that's built up over time.

The fact that your guy hides everything from you (friends, Facebook) is bad enough, and doesn't make good prospects for a relationship. But hiding his escort work is a real whopper.

he had been doing it since he moved in with me. I knew something was off from the lack of sex, and other ques, there is no slavaging it at this point. The gaslighting, was out of this world. And he got to the point where he knew what buttons to push, to piss me off, that would cause an argument so that he could use that not to have sex.

[SomethingFun]

23 hours ago, wsc said:

I don't think having a partner that works as an escort would necessarily be a dealbreaker for me; I might even count myself lucky to have someone so presumably good looking that they can pull it off - so to speak. But doing it clandestinely behind my back would almost definitely bring about a quick end of things.

This (January marriage) means he was escorting for several months before the marriage, told you nothing about it beforehand, and went ahead with the vows anyway. That level of withholding (or more technically, deceit) is off the charts. This was not a lie of commission but of omission, but there is little if any difference in the consequences. The problem with any discovered lie is never knowing when the next one comes. As a lawyer says to impeach a dishonest witness, "Were you lying then or are you lying now?" We now know the "then" in this case but will not know the next "now" unless and until we uncover another lie.

But you already know all this. The solution comes down to the answers to two questions: (1) Do you still love him? and (2) Can you live with a life filled with uncertainty?

I wish you best.

after I found out that he was an escort, I agreed to let him continue, but with conditions. While I knew sex would happen I told him to try and keep it to a minimum, and no overnight stays.  Then right after that I saw a review pop up for an overnight stay. 

Plus no escorting while he was home due to the fact that the gay comunity here is on the small side.  He still did it anyway.  I knew because I felt the lube on him.

He is also vers for clients, but refused to be vers for me.

[+ PhileasFogg]

50 minutes ago, SomethingFun said:

he had been doing it since he moved in with me. I knew something was off from the lack of sex, and other ques, there is no slavaging it at this point. The gaslighting, was out of this world. And he got to the point where he knew what buttons to push, to piss me off, that would cause an argument so that he could use that not to have sex.

put boobs on it and you described my first wife…15 years later and we are friends again.  In other words, it gets easier each day to move on

[SomethingFun]

32 minutes ago, PhileasFogg said:

put boobs on it and you described my first wife…15 years later and we are friends again.  In other words, it gets easier each day to move on

for us there are more issues that are best not be put here,

would be nice if we could part as friends. but when we finnaly part ways, it will be forever I do feel.

Edited 4 hours ago by SomethingFun