Rules for open/polyamorous relationships

[BillyMan]

This thread is three years old and closed

but I'd like to revive it.  Some of the rules in the thread (only on work trips, one-and-done, don't fall in love) were mentioned in Dany Levy's movie "Good Grief."

Background: Hubby of 20 years and I never discussed rules, but our relationship was open: we had three-ways with a few escorts, and independently hired masseurs and escorts.  Then, on a trip to Florida, we visited LeBoy and hubby connects with one of the dancers.  Before I know it, they are visiting each other twice a month, and then the dancer moved closer to us in NY/NJ.  After getting over the initial hurt, I have come to accept the situation.  Hubby seems happy and takes good care of me and family (and his boyfriend); I am free to have fun outside the marriage.  I'm not ready for divorce yet; too many financial connections (and kids). 

One friend told me to accept that I'm in a polyamorous relationship, except that I don't have a romantic relationship with anyone else ... right now.  That might change soon.  So now I ask: how are the rules different for open vs. polyamorous relationships?

Edited January 7 by BillyMan

[+ Charlie]

An open relationship, which I think is not uncommon among older gay males who have been together for a long time, can occasionally morph into a polyamorous relationship, in which one or both partners become emotionally involved with another man (this is not the same as having a favorite escort or fuck buddy). It is a very tricky situation, because few people are adept at managing two romantic attachments, or at accepting that one is sharing a romantic partner with another person. To begin with, all three--or four--of you need to be honest with one another, and come to an agreement that everyone understands and accepts the situation, or it can't last. That is no different than the original agreement that the partnership was open to other sexual relationships, but the justifications for it have to be different.  I mentioned in the old thread that my relationship with my partner came close to foundering on emotional attachments that each of us made to someone else, but they always occurred when we were not living together--in fact, in each situation we were living temporarily in separate countries. Neither of us was able to accept the multiple relationships continuing permanently, so they ended when we returned to living together. I was acquainted with only one couple who were able to successfully deal with one of them being in an emotional partnership with two men, and I really don't know how they managed it; the original couple actually worked together, and I think they were forced to come to an agreement in order to continue working together effectively.

[pubic_assistance]

On 1/7/2024 at 12:43 PM, BillyMan said:

So now I ask: how are the rules different for open vs. polyamorous relationships?

A very good question. One which I can answer in this way:
The typical "open" relationship means that SEX with other people is ok.

"Polyamorous" relationships means RELATIONSHIPS with other people is ok.

In my own marriage, we are "open" sexually. But have agreed that "dating" other people over steps a boundary.

That said....I can tell you from experience that the boundary can be a tipping point in a marriage. As a man who is attracted to men, I have fucked my brains out with other men but rarely have had romantic connections with one. However my wife, who lived as a lesbian for several years before we married, is more inclined to meet up with emotional support partners rather than go on sexual hook ups like I do.  Her outside companionship (to me) does feel like she over steps my comfort zone.  So THAT needs a LOT of emotional reassurances at home to make me feel "secure".  You might think it's the wife who is going to be getting jealous first. But all I'm doing is getting my dick wet. And she knows that. She has regular friends who she sees and has a deeper intimate relationship with them. I can only TRUST her when she says that she enjoys the company and the intimacy but that these women would never provide her with the security and comfort of her own marriage, so she doesn't view this as "dating" and these trysts come and go for a few weeks or a month but never long term.  There is a lot of TRUST issues in polyamory.

I am the one who's more inclined to get jealous, because SHE is the one who's riding closer to that line.

She was a lot easier to understand when we both just went to swingers clubs and fucked everything that moved 🥳

[Bokomaru]

It’s such a complex topic. I believe polyamory implies that feeling love for more than one person is a person’s relationship preference. There may or may not be a primary partner (multiple partners might have equal emotional standing). Open relationships are much simpler to define: non-monogamous (usually sexually). And there’s always a primary partner and a secondary.
I have a lot of experience in this area and can say that the key for my success is a feeling of security and trust with my husband. 
Unfortunately, that feeling comes naturally (for us) and is quite hard to develop, in my opinion. 
Know your boundaries. Express them in a non-confrontational way BEFORE big issues occur. And by all means, let everyone give love, as much as they want, to whomever they want, as long as it doesn’t violate your boundaries. 
Personally I’ve dated and fallen in love outside of my marriage. My husband never felt threatened because he knew I never stopped thinking of him as #1. It CAN be done, and done well. 

[soloyo215]

On 1/7/2024 at 12:43 PM, BillyMan said:

So now I ask: how are the rules different for open vs. polyamorous relationships?

I think that the rules should be defined by the people involved. It's not that there's some ordinances or actual regulatory agency to enforce them.

My husband and I do not just isolate our rules and boundaries to relationships with others or sex outside our marriage. Our approach is more holistic. Only one rule: be responsible and act responsibly in every aspect of your life. That means, we both have to trust that we are going to make responsible decisions about everything, ourselves as individuals, our lives, our relationship, our finances, our personal safety, eveything. I approach all my decisions from having a sense of responsibility towards me as an individual, me as a member of my family, as a professional, as a friend, as a citizen, and as a lover, so I'm not going to do anything that will place myself or my loved ones in harms way, or will hurt them.

We've been together for 21 years and so far, I've never needed to discussed any of his flings or who he gets involved with. Neither of us are interested in bringing another person to our relationship in a romantic way, and he hates threesomes (don't know why), so we have our things outside of our marriage. Sometimes we share about it, sometimes we don't. I just trust he's an adult who will know how to handle situations and people as they appear.

Polyamory is supposed to involve formal relationships, that is, involving decisions about living situation, fiances and emotional support. That's how I understand polyamory. However, I just live and let live, so if people consider themselves polyamory outside of those parameters, I'm nobody to judge (unless they want me or my husband involved).