my dilemma

[marylander1940]

43 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

It's full of MY experience and my perspective.

Sorry if it makes you uncomfortable.

I also refuse to use the new umbrella term: "queer" ..so that's not happening.

Uncomfortable? I'm just laughing at the self-righteousness of your post. What makes you think "real bisexual" men instead of gay men hiding as such are better than "the gays"?

Posts like yours are the one scaring the OP from reaching out to "the gays". 

Have you ever said anything positive about "the gays" considering for some folks once you go gay you can't go back. 

Besides saying the "conservative suburbs" are most open minded... must you bring politics? 

Edited October 3, 2023 by marylander1940

[pubic_assistance]

1 hour ago, marylander1940 said:

What makes you think "real bisexual" men instead of gay men hiding as such are better than "the gays"?

I am simply saying bisexual men are more experienced in bridging the two worlds, which is part of what I understand the gentleman was asking about.

He wants to maintain his relationship with his family. So I was offering my perspective and experience, which is more closely related to his than someone with no children.

[marylander1940]

11 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

I am simply saying bisexual men are more experienced in bridging the two worlds, which is part of what I understand the gentleman was asking about.

He wants to maintain his relationship with his family. So I was offering my perspective and experience, which is more closely related to his than someone with no children.

You could have talked about bridging without actually going after "the gays" again.

Praising one group shouldn't come with unnecessarily portraying negative feedback and stereotypes about another group which for mainstream society is quite similar...

Some gays and specially lesbians also have children, some straight couples don't have kids. 

Back to subject!

@manforme are you one of t"he gays" now or are you still bi? You're looking from friendship anyways but other things might come up. Don't judge people on whether they are gay or bi. I'm sure if you reach out you'll get friends

 Why not suggesting a forum meeting in Philadelphia? 

 

Edited October 3, 2023 by marylander1940

[pubic_assistance]

6 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

Some gays and specially lesbians also have children, some straight couples don't have kids. 

That is simply not the same experience as the gentleman is living.

My opinion stands.

 

[+ friendofsheila]

how did you find connctions and friends s  way back when you were looking for a wife?  a lot fo those connections now exist for gay people, so how about looking into the "gay versions" now.

Edited October 4, 2023 by friendofsheila

[+ WilliamM]

On 9/26/2023 at 10:05 AM, soloyo215 said:

Unfortunately things have changed with the newer generation. I do remember there been groups for people exactly like you, gay men in heterosexual marriages. They were support groups, but they also have social venues. And of course, they were not hookups nor sexual in nature.

I found the psychotherapy network web page that might have information on it:

The Gay Man in the Straight Marriage

WWW.PSYCHOTHERAPYNETWORKER.ORG

---

Rob rushed into his first session with me, gym bag on one shoulder, briefcase on the other, 10 minutes late and out of breath. He set his bags down, gently put his...

And the National Library of Medicine has a study:

Gay men from heterosexual marriages: attitudes, behaviors, childhood experiences, and reasons for marriage - PubMed

PUBMED.NCBI.NLM.NIH.GOV

---

In the current study, the attitudes, behaviors and experiences of 26 gay or bisexual men who were married to a woman are examined. Data are provided on...

Not specifically for men who are in your situation, but Philadelphia has the LGBT Elder Initiative, which can provide resources for your particular situation:

Seniors — William Way Community Center

WWW.WAYGAY.ORG

I think your approach to ignoring negativity is great, but it might depend on what you consider negative. Sometimes there are things that are not attacks, just things we don't like hearing.

Best wishes.

I worked  with William Way a little. Sadly he died of AiDS.

Wonderful person 😀

[soloyo215]

28 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

I worked  with William Way a little. Sadly he died of AiDS.

Wonderful person 😀

I heard good things about him. The wikipedia has all kinds of information about the center named after him, but not about him.

[+ WilliamM]

3 minutes ago, soloyo215 said:

I heard good things about him. The wikipedia has all kinds of information about the center named after him, but not about him.

William worked for the city of Philadelphia for the Office of Housing and Community Development. He loved parades, especially the Mummers Parade on January 1.

 

At his last Mummers Parade when he was was quite sick, Bill was rightly praised.

[marylander1940]

48 minutes ago, WilliamM said:

I worked  with William Way a little. Sadly he died of AiDS.

Wonderful person 😀

welcome back!

[LFABWC]

On 9/26/2023 at 9:14 AM, manforme said:

Hello,

 

 First I request there be no negative feedback. My dilemma is that I am an old 'baby boomer' who has never lived as a gay man. I married years ago and raised a family. I am not willing to give up my family. What I want is to find friend(s) in similar situations. When I say friends, I mean that. Not sex, but just conversation about our shared situation. I live in Delco, PA. I have tried to find groups and 'chat' rooms for this, but no luck. Is there anyone out there reading this who is living in the area (outside Philadelphia)? Some of the younger men do not seem to understand that us older guys have a completely different life and grew up in a very different time. I am actually expecting some negative feedback, but I will ignore that. Thanks in advance.

Hey man you may be an “old baby boomer”…..but at least you lived in the States….!!!

You may be thinking now of all the “lost opportunities”, and you may be right about it, but you also have kids or grandkids, so that’s a positive side.

If I had to live my life again, probably it will be a different one, but you can not go back in time, so it’s better to just look ahead.

And by the way, can you imagine being a baby boomer “AND” being born and raised in a “Macho” country and culture plus having a homophobic father?

it’s never easy…!!!!

I dont think there is going to be a lot of negative feedback, but…..who cares?

PM whenever you want.

[marylander1940]

14 minutes ago, LFABWC said:

Hey man you may be an “old baby boomer”…..but at least you lived in the States….!!!

You may be thinking now of all the “lost opportunities”, and you may be right about it, but you also have kids or grandkids, so that’s a positive side.

If I had to live my life again, probably it will be a different one, but you can not go back in time, so it’s better to just look ahead.

And by the way, can you imagine being a baby boomer “AND” being born and raised in a “Macho” country and culture plus having a homophobic father?

it’s never easy…!!!!

I dont think there is going to be a lot of negative feedback, but…..who cares?

PM whenever you want.

If by Macho country you mean a country south of the border... at least sodomy was never illegal down there, cops didn't constantly raid gay bars, prostitution was always accepted as a necessary thing, and stronger family values made it possible for people to live their lives without being too obvious... As an Irish Catholic that's what I experienced here, my family wouldn't ask certain questions not to know the answers. Unfortunately that wasn't what others my generation felt with the pressure to get married and have children, etc. plus the risk of getting caught in a raid, an undercover cop online, etc. 

I agree with you that nothing beats the opportunities of being born in this country, unfortunately so many folks in the poorest states can't see that. One more thing, plenty of frat boys, blue collar guys and rednecks are homophobic even nowadays in the USA. 

[LFABWC]

Maybe here it was also very bad,….there if you were at “least” a top you were “maybe” in a little bit better position as you were supposed to be like kinda of a man but anyways…..  It was bad…. you did not go to jail because of that but..  when I was in a boarding school while I was a teenager in high school several times they got two guys together in the dorms and they would parade them out while the rest of us would shout at them  names down the corridors…..I always found a way to not take part in that crap…..sometimes it even got physical…...with two girls the same thing. This happened in the seventies. It totally freaked me out for a looong time.

Edited October 6, 2023 by LFABWC

[pubic_assistance]

7 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

As an Irish Catholic that's what I experienced here, my family wouldn't ask certain questions not to know the answers.

Plus you can say three Hail Mary's and suck-off the priest and all will be forgiven.... 😆

But in all seriousness...I don't pick up any remorse in this fellows story. He's just looking to find a bridge between having a social life as a gay man and not alienating his family.  That's all quite possible. And I will repeat. Don't burst out of the closet. Maintain a bit of discretion, as you are mentioning @marylander1940. People deal with homosexuality better with one eye SHUT.

[marylander1940]

8 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

Plus you can say three Hail Mary's and suck-off the priest and all will be forgiven.... 😆

But in all seriousness...I don't pick up any remorse in this fellows story. He's just looking to find a bridge between having a social life as a gay man and not alienating his family.  That's all quite possible. And I will repeat. Don't burst out of the closet. Maintain a bit of discretion, as you are mentioning @marylander1940. People deal with homosexuality better with one eye SHUT.

Nobody picks up any remorse in his story! 

He's looking for friends, we all know that! 

[pubic_assistance]

1 minute ago, marylander1940 said:

Nobody picks up any remorse in his story!

I was referring to this:

"You may be thinking now of all the “lost opportunities”, and you may be right about it, but you also have kids or grandkids, so that’s a positive side."

The conversation was starting to get all teary-eyed about homophobia around the world.

The guy just wants some advice about not alienating his family while he makes some gay friends. So let's get back to THAT conversation.

[marylander1940]

12 minutes ago, pubic_assistance said:

I was referring to this:

"You may be thinking now of all the “lost opportunities”, and you may be right about it, but you also have kids or grandkids, so that’s a positive side."

The conversation was starting to get all teary-eyed about homophobia around the world.

The guy just wants some advice about not alienating his family while he makes some gay friends. So let's get back to THAT conversation.

That's not a negative statement at all... unless you want to see it as negative. 

Just one comment out of place about "macho" countries reminding him he was born in a wealthy country, etc. as if we Americans needed to badmouth other countries to appreciate all the opportunities ours has.... and my reply. 

We know he wants advice, your suggestion about staying away from "the gays" and getting real bisexual friends was pretty negative. 

 

Edited October 6, 2023 by marylander1940

[pubic_assistance]

20 minutes ago, marylander1940 said:

We know he wants advice, your suggestion about staying away from "the gays" and getting real bisexual friends was pretty negative. 

It's just NOT. I really have no idea why you can't let that go. ..and I didn't tell him to "stay away" I simply observed that some of the advice being handed out was already a little tone deaf.

We just have to agree to disagree.

 

[+ WilliamM]

14 hours ago, marylander1940 said:

If by Macho country you mean a country south of the border... at least sodomy was never illegal down there, cops didn't constantly raid gay bars, prostitution was always accepted as a necessary thing, and stronger family values made it possible for people to live their lives without being too obvious... As an Irish Catholic that's what I experienced here, my family wouldn't ask certain questions not to know the answers. Unfortunately that wasn't what others my generation felt with the pressure to get married and have children, etc. plus the risk of getting caught in a raid, an undercover cop online, etc. 

I agree with you that nothing beats the opportunities of being born in this country, unfortunately so many folks in the poorest states can't see that. One more thing, plenty of frat boys, blue collar guys and rednecks are homophobic even nowadays in the USA. 

Well, as a Scottish Catholic, I mostly  agree 

[+ purplekow]

Manforme  I hope you can find some new friends that share your situation.  It seems that to do so will require time and likely changes in your life that are likely to raise questions at home.  That being the case, consideration should be given to how you intend to proceed with starting a new group of contacts and maintaining the old group.  It seems you wife would likely want some explanation.  

I agree with the others who suggest seeking out resources in Philadelphia. The Gay Mens Chorus is very good in Philadelphia and is usually open to new members.  But if you can sing,, look for a group go gay men who are interested in the activities you are.  One friend can be enough ore he might be a person who can introduce you to a whole community.  

I do think you can have both a gay and a traditional life but you need to decide if you want them separate or if you are willing to trust those in your traditional life to understand you enough to allow you to explore the new life.  

[Guest]

This, however, is probably not the best way to come out to your family:

 

[+ WilliamM]

To be fair, Nathan has been out for years.

[Becket]

Who on this forum is giving you negative feedback? What an honest and important life story you share. Thank you for giving. I remember going to the Palm Springs gathering a few years back just so I could meet some folks like me. My story is familiar to yours and I bet I know what you're looking for. Wish I were closer to Philly, but, as the song goes, "All my X's (and me) live in Texas." (George Strait for those who don't listen to country music.) I wish you well and am a witness to the possibilities of having your family and the life you wish to lead. PM anytime.