He Could Not Perform

[Becket]

Certainly one doesn't have to hire the fellow again. But withholding payment because your experience was not as you had hoped is really a lousy thing to do. Erections are mysterious things. They come and go as they wish. Besides, supposedly we're just paying for the company, and whatever happens sex wise is a choice between consenting adults. Right?

[guru68]

I think I'd be embarrassed, for both of us. I'd still pay him, such a thing to me not being like being cheated at the grocery store or something. If I did a review it would be based on the whole experience, as would my choice to see the provider again.

[KrisParr]

It happened one time with a regular provider (as in a couple times a month for years) and when it occurred, he was very apologetic - almost made me feel bad. He went above and beyond to make sure I was “satisfied” and tried to give back most of the “contribution”. Of course I refused because I had taken his time - it’s a no-brainer. But it does depend on the circumstances.

[former lurker]

I guess it was naive of me, but I thought that this wouldn’t be an issue if I’m paying for it. I was very clear with him what I was looking for and he was very reassuring that he could deliver that.

 

Bingo.

 

From your initial description of the encounter, his behavior, and your response to it all, it sounds like a lot of your sense of disappointment has more to do with your own issues and not as much with how you were treated. If you are going to continue hiring, you'll need to go into sessions with less psychic baggage and set more reasonable/achievable goals for yourself. You reacted negatively to the escort in large measure, per your description, because his physical mishap left you feeling unattractive and blaming yourself. That's a lot to put on an escort, especially one who is pleasant, looks as you expected, and tried to provide a good time. You even said you opted to cut the session short because of how you felt (embarassed?). Unless you can get past being concerned about whether you're attractive enough to the escort, that worry will overhang any future encounter. Escorts may help you/one feel better about themselves, but they're not therapists helping you work through your issues over a period of time and sessions.

 

My guess, without knowing you or who you saw, is that you are too hard on yourself and that leads you to need affirmation, and when something went wrong you projected your own issues onto the escort because he wasn't able to make you feel attractive. Try to work on whatever it is that's causing you to feel the need for affirmation. That should make much more of a positive impact than finding the "perfect" escort.

[Imathrill]

You even said you opted to cut the session short because of how you felt (embarassed?)

Was I supposed to stick around for another awkward 30 minutes after I had already tried to assist him to get it back? He did say I didn’t have to leave while I was already dressing but before that he did not offer the get me off in a different way after we could not get his erection back.

Furthermore, I didn’t project anything onto him. I didn’t hold him responsible for what I was feeling. When I reached out to him I was clear that my disappointment was solely on the fact that he was not able to provide the service we had agreed upon and nothing else. I only shared about my embarrassment on this thread to be honest and not for you to try and evaluate me. Let’s leave that to a professional.

[Rod Hagen]

Unless you can get past being concerned about whether you're attractive enough to the escort, that worry will overhang any future encounter.

 

Wow, Former Lurker, I have to now go back and read some of your posts. It is interesting how some clients, not most, some will continue to make reference in follow up emails and texts as well as in person to how unattractive I must find them even though we have been together multiple sexy fun-filled times. When I see it I do my best to fix it, maybe you are right former Lurker, maybe I can't, or not always anyway.

Edited October 5, 2020 by Rod Hagen

[former lurker]

Was I supposed to stick around for another awkward 30 minutes after I had already tried to assist him to get it back? He did say I didn’t have to leave while I was already dressing but before that he did not offer the get me off in a different way after we could not get his erection back.

Furthermore, I didn’t project anything onto him. I didn’t hold him responsible for what I was feeling. When I reached out to him I was clear that my disappointment was solely on the fact that he was not able to provide the service we had agreed upon and nothing else. I only shared about my embarrassment on this thread to be honest and not for you to try and evaluate me. Let’s leave that to a professional.

 

A professional would be a good idea, and not of the escort variety. You may not have told him you were projecting your issues onto him, but you did tell him you wanted some of the money back, and wrote a negative review. Now, if you're saying had he only said that, if you would stay, he'd try to "get you off" even if he couldn't get an erection again, that's also on you for rushing out. I'm not judging you. I'm trying to encourage you to address for yourself, preferably with the aid of a professional, whatever issues are at the root of YOUR expectations and insecurities.

 

And you did post here. I presumed you were looking for honest feedback, not a string of affirming posts. That's what you wanted to get from the escort, and when you didn't you feel bad about the whole experience.

[Imathrill]

A professional would be a good idea, and not of the escort variety. You may not have told him you were projecting your issues onto him, but you did tell him you wanted some of the money back, and wrote a negative review. Now, if you're saying had he only said that, if you would stay, he'd try to "get you off" even if he couldn't get an erection again, that's also on you for rushing out. I'm not judging you. I'm trying to encourage you to address for yourself, preferably with the aid of a professional, whatever issues are at the root of YOUR expectations and insecurities.

 

And you did post here. I presumed you were looking for honest feedback, not a string of affirming posts. That's what you wanted to get from the escort, and when you didn't you feel bad about the whole experience.

The bottom line was that he did not perform the service that was agreed upon and that’s why I addressed the $$$ and posted a review. You even said yourself in an earlier response that a review was the correct route! Please don’t ever try to “encourage” anyone ever again. It came off completely judgmental. I did want honest feedback. And I got it..negative and positive. But you were the only one that made assumptions about my psyche. I sought out an escort to fulfill a specific sexual fantasy. When it went sour, what I felt was completely unexpected, but I did not seek out an escort for affirmation. Nor, did I come here for affirmation. My original post was very simple...should he get paid? I wanted to know if I was way off asking for some back. I don’t wish him any ill will. I want to believe that he truly did have some physical discomfort, as it started out so well. Yes, I felt embarrassment, but it was my first time! I didn’t accuse him of not being attracted to me, like a provider has now mentioned. I only addressed the service that was not met and that’s all. According to most of the responses here, he acted professionally and I appreciate that. But don’t come at me for having an involuntary natural reaction to something that was out of my control. I did my best to act professional with him.

[MscleLovr]

Hey @Imathrill, I sent you a Private Message.

 

I hope you’ll continue to participate here. Don’t let one experience put you off this forum; most people are helpful and civil and there’s a lot of good information here.

[littlenut]

I most likely would pay him the full amount, although it would depend on the circumstances. If he lost it half way through the allotted time, and decided he would just bolt out the door, then probably not. But if he apologized, and continued to interact with you, then yes.

[cany10011]

I posted this from recent experience and wanted to get feedback. This was my first escort experience. I don’t have any trouble finding sex through buddies or Grindr, but I started getting massages that would turn into more and this started to thrill me. Eventually I thought, why not hire an escort that is really going to dominate me and is more attractive then any guy I could normally obtain? So I did my research, found someone I was incredibly attracted to, had great reviews, and a reasonable rate. I reached out to RM users that had rated him, they all said he was insatiable. I booked him almost a month in advance. It was going to be a great night. I drove from Orange County to LA. I arrive on time, he’s more handsome in person, in great shape. The session begins exactly how I imagine it would, and while we’re at the best part, he loses it from one position to the next. I tried to assist in any way I could but it wasn’t gonna happen. I immediately felt it was because of me. In my embarrassment I quickly started to dress. He said I didn’t have to leave but all I could hear was a pounding in my ears. I reached for the money in my pocket and place it somewhere, I can’t even remember, and let myself out. As I walked away all I could think was that I just paid to feel worse about myself. I understand this happens, and it’s happened to me as a top and a bttm, but I wasn’t paying or being paid then. I texted him my disappointment and he said he had a stomach bug earlier and it was still lingering. I asked for some of the money back, as it hadn’t even been 30 min and he returned half. From what I’ve been reading, he did the respectable thing but it didn’t feel that way at the time. The whole point of paying an escort was to leave there satisfied by this hot guy and not feeling humiliated and out $$$. While he could have been telling the truth, it ruined the whole escort experience for me. I think I’ll stick to Grindr and my favorite masseur.

 

 

The stomach bug is an excuse i‘ve heard many times, and also that they are taking ’cough medicine“, or had “recent dental work” or something like that for poor performance. If they know they have a condition that may impair their ability to satisfy your requests/ fantasies that you clearly communicated in advance, they should cancel or at least give you the option to postpone your appointment until they ”feel better“. I‘m sorry you had a poor experience. Perhaps give him another chance? Money lost on poor escort performances is chalked up to “tuition fees” for this hobby.

[former lurker]

The bottom line was that he did not perform the service that was agreed upon and that’s why I addressed the $$$ and posted a review. You even said yourself in an earlier response that a review was the correct route! Please don’t ever try to “encourage” anyone ever again. It came off completely judgmental. I did want honest feedback. And I got it..negative and positive. But you were the only one that made assumptions about my psyche. I sought out an escort to fulfill a specific sexual fantasy. When it went sour, what I felt was completely unexpected, but I did not seek out an escort for affirmation. Nor, did I come here for affirmation. My original post was very simple...should he get paid? I wanted to know if I was way off asking for some back. I don’t wish him any ill will. I want to believe that he truly did have some physical discomfort, as it started out so well. Yes, I felt embarrassment, but it was my first time! I didn’t accuse him of not being attracted to me, like a provider has now mentioned. I only addressed the service that was not met and that’s all. According to most of the responses here, he acted professionally and I appreciate that. But don’t come at me for having an involuntary natural reaction to something that was out of my control. I did my best to act professional with him.

 

I'm sorry that my comments came across that way. I do hope you find a way to make your future experiences fulfilling. As to the rest, I'm just reading what you've written. If I misread something, or said something that struck a nerve, I apologize. Be well, and best of luck.

[Rod Hagen]

Definitely don't let this put off escorts ImAthrill. We can be a Thrill in many ways.

[Lazarus]

As Judge Judy would say: You ate the steak...you have to pay for it!

[tenderloin]

I believe 100% that you should still pay them for the agreed upon rate. Remember you are paying for time, not for sex. It is an unfortunate circumstance and one that has happened to me. But I have paid 100 percent every time.

 

What I have done is say something like, "Well this is a bit disappointing as I was hoping we would be able to do X." Sometimes the session can still be saved and a good professional truly will attempt to do so. Maybe he offers a discount or gives you a bit more time or does an alternative activity that leaves you (at least somewhat) satisfied with his services. This is a discussion you need to have with the escort and you certainly should not assume you will get any discounts and never that you will not have to pay him for his time.

 

But in many cases, we've been able to figure something out. In one case, I put on some porn that he liked on the TV and that seemed to take care of the problem and also gave me an additional hour at no cost so we could relax and reset. Another time with long-time regular ended up turning it into a hot fisting session. Another brought out some fun toys. And yes sometimes you end up a bit disappointed by the experience, just like a lot Grindr hookups seem like they'll be hotter before they actually happen. And that's why we have Daddy's and this forum to avoid guys that are flaky or have constant performance issues.

 

In the end though, you are paying for the escort's time and if he fulfills that time, you should pay him. Of course, he should fulfill your other wants and desires as well. But they're only human and things happen.

Do we really need to trot out the "paying for time, not for sex" fiction yet again like some sort of blanket excuse? Yes, I know that there is a legal fiction that some like to stick to, but seriously it's just plain silly to put it forward on these pages as if it was in any way relevant. Does anyone in this forum truly believe that with all of the discussion of sexual positions, appearance/endowment, kiss or no, raw or sheathed, cum or no, etc. that we are thinking about spending $300 an hour for someone's time? The OP was not paying for time, he had communicated a specific scenario which was agreed to in advance.

[former lurker]

Do we really need to trot out the "paying for time, not for sex" fiction yet again like some sort of blanket excuse? Yes, I know that there is a legal fiction that some like to stick to, but seriously it's just plain silly to put it forward on these pages as if it was in any way relevant. Does anyone in this forum truly believe that with all of the discussion of sexual positions, appearance/endowment, kiss or no, raw or sheathed, cum or no, etc. that we are thinking about spending $300 an hour for someone's time? The OP was not paying for time, he had communicated a specific scenario which was agreed to in advance.

 

Equally important, however, is to be realistic about the factors that, other than the sexual activity, go into a meeting. The escort needs to prepare, to block his schedule, to either set up his home or travel to/from the meeting location. So you ARE paying for his time as part of the fee. If he cannot meet because he takes ill or has an emergency, he should cancel and save the client the fee -- but odds are some clients would trash him for "flaking" so there's really no perfect response. For the client, it's the same. I book in advance. If something happens to prevent the meeting or prevent what I want to happen at the meeting (only happened twice over more than a decade), I always try to compensate the escort for the loss of his time (of course, a lot of that depends on how much notice I am able to give).

 

There are no guarantees that an escort will be able to perform exactly as requested or promised. We rightly spend a lot of time/ink id'ing escorts who repeatedly promise one sort of activity, then show up and say they don't do that. Those folks should be penalized in payment and exposure. But an escort who shows up and attempts to deliver what he promised is a different case.

 

Escorts aren't machines. There is always the possibility that something may go awry. If you expect them to be, insist in advance on some kind of refund policy and be just as clear about its terms as you are about what you want to happen in the session.

[+ MakeMeCowboy]

Definitely don't let this put off escorts ImAthrill. We can be a Thrill in many ways.

I couldn't agree more...

[+ JEC]

Hey @Imathrill, I sent you a Private Message.

 

I hope you’ll continue to participate here. Don’t let one experience put you off this forum; most people are helpful and civil and there’s a lot of good information here.

BTW there is the ability to BLOCK antagonists, don't be afraid to use it

[+ keroscenefire]

Do we really need to trot out the "paying for time, not for sex" fiction yet again like some sort of blanket excuse? Yes, I know that there is a legal fiction that some like to stick to, but seriously it's just plain silly to put it forward on these pages as if it was in any way relevant. Does anyone in this forum truly believe that with all of the discussion of sexual positions, appearance/endowment, kiss or no, raw or sheathed, cum or no, etc. that we are thinking about spending $300 an hour for someone's time? The OP was not paying for time, he had communicated a specific scenario which was agreed to in advance.

 

Obviously, you are not spending $300 to just sit silently and stare at his face. But escorts are human beings providing an entertainment service and we should treat them as such. It's like when you pay money to see a concert or comedian and yeah sometimes the band doesn't play your favorite song or the comedian isn't funny. That doesn't mean you get to demand a refund at the end of the performance.

 

I feel bad about the experience of the OP and feel that the escort should have done a better job being ready to perform. But I think it's absolutely ridiculous and unfair to ask for a refund to an escort who shows up on time, does his best in the situation to perform for you (but cannot) and is willing to try to make something fun happen in the time that you have together. This is exactly the case according to the OP's description of events.

 

It can be hard the first time when you have a lot of built up expectations of what you're "supposed" to get as a client, but reality often doesn't meet our expectations. This has happened to me multiple times hiring (though probably only one out of every 10 or so) and with experience I have learned that through communication and adaptability, you can usually still have a great time even if you don't get 100 percent what you originally wanted.

 

It's completely ridiculous to say that just because you didn't get exactly what you want, that you shouldn't have to pay the escort for his time. That's some self-entitled BS and is I think an attitude that leads a lot of escorts to increasingly give up on continuing in the profession.

[+ MakeMeCowboy]

I think that I've located the disconnect... too many providers allow their alter egos to write their ninja-fueled RM profiles then, as a mere mortal, they go on the appointment with their good intentions, time spent and hand out.

 

As a potential example, are you Keroscenefire or just Bob?

[former lurker]

I think that I've located the disconnect... too many providers allow their alter egos to write their ninja-fueled RM profiles then, as a mere mortal, they go on the appointment with their good intentions, time spent and hand out.

 

As a potential example, are you Keroscenefire or just Bob?

 

Do you bring the same brand of charm and warmth to your interpersonal encounters with escorts? Perhaps that's the disconnect.

[tenderloin]

Obviously, you are not spending $300 to just sit silently and stare at his face. But escorts are human beings providing an entertainment service and we should treat them as such. It's like when you pay money to see a concert or comedian and yeah sometimes the band doesn't play your favorite song or the comedian isn't funny. That doesn't mean you get to demand a refund at the end of the performance.

 

I feel bad about the experience of the OP and feel that the escort should have done a better job being ready to perform. But I think it's absolutely ridiculous and unfair to ask for a refund to an escort who shows up on time, does his best in the situation to perform for you (but cannot) and is willing to try to make something fun happen in the time that you have together. This is exactly the case according to the OP's description of events.

 

It can be hard the first time when you have a lot of built up expectations of what you're "supposed" to get as a client, but reality often doesn't meet our expectations. This has happened to me multiple times hiring (though probably only one out of every 10 or so) and with experience I have learned that through communication and adaptability, you can usually still have a great time even if you don't get 100 percent what you originally wanted.

 

It's completely ridiculous to say that just because you didn't get exactly what you want, that you shouldn't have to pay the escort for his time. That's some self-entitled BS and is I think an attitude that leads a lot of escorts to increasingly give up on continuing in the profession.

To be clear, I'm not saying anything re the OP's obligation with regard to the fee. I just think it ridiculous that some still delude themselves with the "you're only paying for his time" routine. That can be your response to the vice squad (good luck with that), but around here it lacks credibility.

[marylander1940]

Men aren’t robots. Sometimes they don’t stay hard. It’s what they do to keep pleasing you that matters, be it massage, oral rimming etc. I would never nick an escort for not staying hard....but I might choose to look elsewhere next time.

 

That's how a gentleman should think about escorts. It takes 2 to tango!

 

 

 

I posted this from recent experience and wanted to get feedback. This was my first escort experience. I don’t have any trouble finding sex through buddies or Grindr, but I started getting massages that would turn into more and this started to thrill me. Eventually I thought, why not hire an escort that is really going to dominate me and is more attractive then any guy I could normally obtain? So I did my research, found someone I was incredibly attracted to, had great reviews, and a reasonable rate. I reached out to RM users that had rated him, they all said he was insatiable. I booked him almost a month in advance. It was going to be a great night. I drove from Orange County to LA. I arrive on time, he’s more handsome in person, in great shape. The session begins exactly how I imagine it would, and while we’re at the best part, he loses it from one position to the next. I tried to assist in any way I could but it wasn’t gonna happen. I immediately felt it was because of me. In my embarrassment I quickly started to dress. He said I didn’t have to leave but all I could hear was a pounding in my ears. I reached for the money in my pocket and place it somewhere, I can’t even remember, and let myself out. As I walked away all I could think was that I just paid to feel worse about myself. I understand this happens, and it’s happened to me as a top and a bttm, but I wasn’t paying or being paid then. I texted him my disappointment and he said he had a stomach bug earlier and it was still lingering. I asked for some of the money back, as it hadn’t even been 30 min and he returned half. From what I’ve been reading, he did the respectable thing but it didn’t feel that way at the time. The whole point of paying an escort was to leave there satisfied by this hot guy and not feeling humiliated and out $$$. While he could have been telling the truth, it ruined the whole escort experience for me.

 

Considering all this information you're giving I think I could ask if he was wearing a condom. I searched the word condom in this thread and only came up twice though.

 

I think I’ll stick to Grindr and my favorite masseur.

 

 

Seems to be a good idea.

[+ keroscenefire]

To be clear, I'm not saying anything re the OP's obligation with regard to the fee. I just think it ridiculous that some still delude themselves with the "you're only paying for his time" routine. That can be your response to the vice squad (good luck with that), but around here it lacks credibility.

 

I think it lacks credibility when you don't think of hiring an escort in this way. Fundamentally, you are hiring the escort for his time. X money for X time is still how this transaction is communicated by basically all escorts and clients (at least in my experience) even in places where sex work is decriminalized. It's up to both client/provider to communicate wants and the fulfillment of those wants in the time provided. Most time you get most of what you want, but not always. A credible client will pay regardless.

[former lurker]

I think it lacks credibility when you don't think of hiring an escort in this way. Fundamentally, you are hiring the escort for his time. X money for X time is still how this transaction is communicated by basically all escorts and clients (at least in my experience) even in places where sex work is decriminalized. It's up to both client/provider to communicate wants and the fulfillment of those wants in the time provided. Most time you get most of what you want, but not always. A credible client will pay regardless.

 

I'd reiterate, in agreement, what I said in a prior post: clients ARE paying for TIME even if the intent and understanding of both parties is that the time will include certain activities. Part of what clients pay for is the time that the escort blocks out to prepare, travel or set up his location, etc. The time he commits to prepare for, travel to and from, and spend with the client is time he cannot spend on other things or with other clients.