Depression... Any suggestions?

[MidwestCoastal]

Just looking for different ideas...

 

I'm in therapy, taking anti-depressants... 46, never had a BF, lonely... losing interest in sex.

 

As a devout atheist who believes this is the only life we get and the member of an amazing family... no worries, I'm not suicidal, but gods I feel empty lately.

[+ E.T.Bass]

Did the empty feeling and diminished interest in sex begin after starting the anti-depressants?

[+ MasssageGuy]

Anti-depressants kill your libido and interest in sex.

[MidwestCoastal]

I've been struggling with depression my entire adult life... probably teens... low self-esteem.... anti-depressants have been an on and off thing over the years... sometimes I think it does affect my libido, other times, I think it doesn't...

 

I've been reading a great deal about ketamine as a treatment for depression... Yes, I know...in my 'youthful days' it was a party drug... one I never tried.

 

I feel like I am substituting intimacy with hiring for sex lately... just didn't think I would be 46 and alone.

[LOLO]

I'm really sorry you're going through this. I'm not a health professional and can't offer recommendations per se, but can relay my experience with mental health struggles in the hope that it may spark something for you.

 

I was in a similar situation a few years ago in my mid-20s, and did a few things to pull myself out of the hole. Some of this may sound cliched, and I apologize if that's the case.

 

- started therapy and anti-depressants (as you are doing); it took me a while to find the combination that worked for me and didn't give me bad side effects

- physical fitness: I was out of shape and slovenly. Started making a point of going on walks for 10 minutes a day, which morphed into runs, which morphed into joining a group fitness class, where I met people and got in shape and gave myself a pretty good self-esteem boost (this process took about 2 years)

- started volunteering. I found the act of helping people less fortunate than myself to be powerful; it also helped me meet people

- started doing that thing where you write down 5 things you're grateful for every night (corny, I know)

- started being open about my mental health struggles in my real life, and it was surprising how many people were in the same boat, which helped me feel less alone

 

I don't know much about ketamine, but hear that it works pretty well. There's also apparently this thing called transcranial magnetic stimulation (not sure what that does) that was recently approved for depression (one of my best friends is a psychiatrist).

 

Finally, I hope you derive some small measure of comfort and happiness and community in knowing that there's a stranger out on the internet who's genuinely rooting for you. Take care.

[+ tassojunior]

I've been struggling with depression my entire adult life... probably teens... low self-esteem.... anti-depressants have been an on and off thing over the years... sometimes I think it does affect my libido, other times, I think it doesn't...

 

I've been reading a great deal about ketamine as a treatment for depression... Yes, I know...in my 'youthful days' it was a party drug... one I never tried.

 

I feel like I am substituting intimacy with hiring for sex lately... just didn't think I would be 46 and alone.

you're not alone. it just seems that way. you have plenty of people connections probably and to make new ones it just takes one word...."hello"

 

and it is amazing how physical wellness, exercise, etc produces natural highs and keeps depression away.

[Monarchy79]

Just looking for different ideas...

 

I'm in therapy, taking anti-depressants... 46, never had a BF, lonely... losing interest in sex.

 

As a devout atheist who believes this is the only life we get and the member of an amazing family... no worries, I'm not suicidal, but gods I feel empty lately.

 

Have you considered adding exercise, and yoga to your daily routine? The two truly help with depression, produces daily endorphins and makes you feel good.

[Monarchy79]

Just looking for different ideas...

 

I'm in therapy, taking anti-depressants... 46, never had a BF, lonely... losing interest in sex.

 

As a devout atheist who believes this is the only life we get and the member of an amazing family... no worries, I'm not suicidal, but gods I feel empty lately.

 

I’d also recommend getting a dog.... the unconditional love you’ll get from a pooch will be truly therapeutic.

[Monarchy79]

Anti-depressants kill your libido and interest in sex.

 

Not to switch topics, but is the loss of desire for sex really a bad thing? When I’m irritated and frustrated, it’s usually because my interest in sex is extremely high, and I can’t get any!!!

 

When I’m busy as hell and extremely focused and forget about the desire for sex, I feel great.

[+ E.T.Bass]

Treating yourself well. Diet, exercise.

Conscious decisions to interrupt cycles of thinking if you recognize they are going nowhere.

Sounds like you are focused on being single. Maybe that is part of the thinking you might try to interrupt.

Cultivate your friendships. Be kind and respectful to your friends. Add to your social network. Add activities.

[Guest]

Anti-depressants kill your libido and interest in sex.

Not at all necessarily. They can improve libido (which is a word synonymous with "interest in sex"), although most SSRI's and TCA's will make erections more difficult. Anti-depressants which don't affect erections include buproprion and trazodone. If you haven't had success with two anti-depressants, you should probably see a psychiatrist skilled in psychopharmacology. A therapist can probably help you with relationship issues. In most scenarios in the US, the person prescribing the anti-depressants won't be your main talk therapists. If you care to discuss it with the forum, what is your impression why you haven't been in a long-term relationship?

[MidwestCoastal]

...no friends...

 

Moved around a lot for work...No BF... no dating for last ten years.... body issues... now feeling old, fat, and unwanted. I've somehow managed to keep together enough to have a relatively successful career, but that's all I have... I was born with amazing parents and sister... I am still close with them, but have always longed for gay friends.... just feel like I never fit it.

[+ nycman]

now feeling old, fat, and unwanted

Bingo!

 

Stop spending money on rent boys (for now) and start spending it on

a personal trainer. I’ve always said my trainer is worth a thousand

therapists and ten thousand rentboys...and I mean it.

 

He pumps me up. He makes me feel good about myself. And as a

byproduct I get a rocking body out of it. Now when I hire rentboys

it’s not so much out of desperation as it is a matter of convenience.

 

It’s a long and at times painful road....but you can do it with help.

Go to your local gym and “workout” so you can scout out the local

trainers. Look for someone that’s physically attractive to you and

seems to pay a lot of attention to his clients.

 

Believe me....he’s fishing for a desperate fatty just like you to reel

in and change their life. He knows it’s a goldmine if you become

a regular.

 

Stick with it. Respect his boundaries. Work your ass off. And in

about 2 years you be wondering why you ever took antidepressants

in the first place and your therapist will be looking for a new client.

[rvwnsd]

Not at all necessarily. They can improve libido (which is a word synonymous with "interest in sex"), although most SSRI's and TCA's will make erections more difficult. Anti-depressants which don't affect erections include buproprion and trazodone. If you haven't had success with two anti-depressants, you should probably see a psychiatrist skilled in psychopharmacology. A therapist can probably help you with relationship issues. In most scenarios in the US, the person prescribing the anti-depressants won't be your main talk therapists. If you care to discuss it with the forum, what is your impression why you haven't been in a long-term relationship?

Thanks for mentioning that not all antidepressants affect libido. I use a different antidepressant (escitalopram) and do not experience a decrease in libido.

[+ Italiano]

Bingo!

 

Stop spending money on rent boys (for now) and start spending it on

a personal trainer. I’ve always said my trainer is worth a thousand

therapists and ten thousand rentboys...and I mean it.

 

He pumps me up. He makes me feel good about myself. And as a

byproduct I get a rocking body out of it. Now when I hire rentboys

it’s not so much out of desperation as it is a matter of convenience.

 

It’s a long and at times painful road....but you can do it with help.

Go to your local gym and “workout” so you can scout out the local

trainers. Look for someone that’s physically attractive to you and

seems to pay a lot of attention to his clients.

 

Believe me....he’s fishing for a desperate fatty just like you to reel

in and change their life. He knows it’s a goldmine if you become

a regular.

 

Stick with it. Respect his boundaries. Work your ass off. And in

about 2 years you be wondering why you ever took antidepressants

in the first place and your therapist will be looking for a new client.

 

I think this is somehow one of the problems of gay men. The overcompensation of looking good (for all the rejections and problems we experienced in life growing up) in order to feel good and desired.

Definitely taking care of one's body for health and somehow self esteem reasons it's a very good thing, but making it a goal for happiness, self realization and erasing depression it seems a myth to me. Yes, work out, but also work on understanding that trying to look as much as possible like those hot boy/men we see in porn, on rent.men or in the streets of Chelsea, Miami Beach and West Hollywood it's not enough.

Learning how to accept that you are worthy of liking yourself and being liked by those who respect you for what you are is more important.

Edited May 12, 2019 by Italiano

[Walker1]

I will just preface to say I am not a doctor. So just my opinion. But I have gone through many phases, small town boy to big city fat drag queen type and now father to kids in a small town again!

 

Today's life is just so much change and so much freedom -which is a good thing, but also a bad thing in the sense that there is no fixed reality. If I see the different phases of my life it is something I could not imagine just a few years prior and never knew I had it in me to be that "character" or person.

 

 

Plus when you reach your 40s mortality sinks in. People around you are dying and dropping off. That sense of invincibility, utter purpose, that sense of being right and willing to die for your cause is gone. That is probably why you won't find many 40+ year old suicide bombers-unless they are ready to go out and cause as much misery as they are in. Especially gay culture which values youth, strength , muscles, looks(I am guilty of that) suddenly reaching your 40s and seeing-crap the only thing I have to look forward to is dying and hopefully I die painless and not become invalid and stuck in a bed in a strange nursing home with no one to come and talk to.

 

I think in straight "culture" the cycles are life are built in. You grow up, get married(that is going by the wayside, but still some sort of coupling) kids and then you grow old become grandpa -help babysit your grandkids etc etc. Now everything is not rosy-cheating on your spouse, running out on your kids and spouse and never seeing them etc etc-but there is a theme to life. Gay life, once you start aging, unless you have some good solid friends and family who accept you for who you are-it is a difficult. Now like me many gay men do have kids through scientific means-easier for a gay woman/lesbian-just buy a vial of sperm and do artificial insemination!

 

 

That does not mean kids or family is the answer-quite a few people with kids commit suicide too. There is just no simple answer. I am getting more and more into eastern religion as I grow older. maybe I use it as a crutch as I confront my mortality and realize that I could just walk out and have a car hit me and Lord knows what will happen to my kids. Or get some cancer -it is depressing when you realize life is so fluid and not really in your control. It changes and there are forces far greater than us at play-maybe a God or maybe just energy. To me attending eastern religion with friends give some some sort of calmness and stillness to my mind. The concept of a soul and destiny and will and karma -it may seem like madness-but hey they did say religion is the opioid of the masses!!!! It does help me deal with the utter randomness of life and your inability to control major aspects.

 

it depends on your individual situation. Hopefully you find something to soothe your heart and brain and allow you to enjoy life again. You can never go back to the innocence of a child , the thrill of new toys, but accept that and go in to the next phase of life and enjoy it. Change is the only constant in life and time goes by so fast. Good luck. It is a journey many of us have weathered. On the straight side, I have seen men in terrible shape after divorces, not being able to see their kids etc etc. So not confirmed to us-just aging seems to be a major factor for us.

[Monarchy79]

...no friends...

 

Moved around a lot for work...No BF... no dating for last ten years.... body issues... now feeling old, fat, and unwanted. I've somehow managed to keep together enough to have a relatively successful career, but that's all I have... I was born with amazing parents and sister... I am still close with them, but have always longed for gay friends.... just feel like I never fit it.

 

Sounds like a situation where you’re assuming the grass is greener.

 

Another suggestion is to avoid social media. Studies have shown that the false, “staged”, perfect lives that people depict on social media contributes to depression in many. Don’t be fooled by those “squad” pics of gay guys in groups having fabulous brunches and travel destinations.

What they don’t show you is the cattiness, drama, and juvenile in-fighting that’s beyond the level of a “real housewives”, franchise.

 

Over the years, I’ve actually minimized, “friends”, and only interact with positive people with good energy (quality over quantity)...

 

I remember, prior to last year, for the past 15 years, my social life was innundated with trips, parties, and a bunch of gay guys. It was entertaining, but mentally draining at times as well... it was filled with petty quarreling, useless gossiping, guys who blurred sex with friednship (so literally everyone was fucking each other), jealously, displays of insecurity, pretentiousness, and conversations about dumb topics )usually centered around sex and image.

 

Now I travel alone, have a small set of quality friendships, and have quality and total peace in my life and I love it!!!!

Edited May 12, 2019 by Monarchy79

[Monarchy79]

And another thing.... in many cases having a BF is overrated too.

 

You never know what goes on behind the scenes in the perfectly-crafted “relationships.”

 

A former friend of mine just got engaged and everyone is gushing over it (the ring Is Fabulous) but what they don’t know is:

1.) They have a one-sided open relationship (he can sleep with whomever he wants, but his fiancée must get authorization from him to play around, otherwise , it’s considered cheating )

2.) He has ADHD , and an auto-immune disease that requires constant treatment and random times in the hospital. In addition to that, he takes numerous random medications for both. (He disclosed this long into the relationship, after he reeled him in)

3.) Although the fiancée is highly educated and had a good career, he’s close to $100k in student loan debt and has a 500 credit score

4.) my former friend is also an insomniac, but demands they share the bed nightly, so while the other one is trying to sleep, he’s up all night with the TV on. This will be a marriage of limited rest.

5.) Group sex with his friends is also a requirement. Oh, and he’s “allergic” to condoms and takes PrEP in “cycles” (which I question its efficacy), which puts him and the fiancée at risk of numerous health conditions.

 

But their wedding will be fabulous, and their social media profiles are awesome, and depict a picture perfect relationship.

 

My point is, take your life as it is and appreciate the beauty and value in it. And make it what you want it to be. It takes a daily practice of affirmation to reprogram your thinking.

[+ sync]

My fits of depression are not so severe that I medicate, but I sure hate the feeling. Watching the news brings me around. When I see/hear the human suffering around the world, I realize my difficulties are less than a drop in the bucket. As trite and worn as it may sound, counting one's blessings can be therapeutic.

[+ easygoingpal]

Hi @sync... Here's my 2 cents: I have volunteered in different capacities for the past 40 years. If this is something that you could do, helping others with their needs makes me feel happy. There is an inherent blessing to you and the person or persons receiving the help. It keeps my mind occupied with scheduling, preparations, and delivery of the help. I get to know people personally in the process and friendships are forged along the way... Wishing you a bright sunny future...! Cheers, EZ.

[+ robear]

This is a great thread!

 

I believe people have different needs around types of relationships, and that variance is a natural expression of personality.

 

Some people MUST be in a committed relationship, it's their highest priority, and hence they will make many sacrifices and compromises to that end.

 

Others (perhaps most) prefer a coupled life, but not at the expense of their own independence and individuality. We are probably conditioned to believe this is the ideal for ALL people, but I don't think that's true.

 

Still others (and I'm probably in this group) prefer a connected but often solitary life, and are not drawn to the idea of having an "other" as part of their day-to-day existence. I don't long for a committed boyfriend, in fact the very idea makes me feel claustrophobic. And that's OK, it's who I am and doesn't need to be fixed.

[caramelsub]

I’m not a mental health professional either, and I don’t know if this was mentioned before, but could you possibly be having a mid life crisis? You’re at that age according to the reliable Wikipedia. Even if you don’t believe in that sort of thing I would suggest seeking a good therapist to talk to, and a psychiatrist to determine if you should medicate. Friends are great, but with a therapist you can have deeper more personal conversations about solving your life problems, that friends won’t have an interest in talking to you about. They are paid to support you and invest their time with you. I say this as a person that has been to therapy, and goes faithfully.

[ericwinters]

My fits of depression are not so severe that I medicate, but I sure hate the feeling. Watching the news brings me around. When I see/hear the human suffering around the world, I realize my difficulties are less than a drop in the bucket. As trite and worn as it may sound, counting one's blessings can be therapeutic.

 

I agree. I am in human resources.

 

When I start going downhill on my journey fighting depression I recount my fortunate outcomes among lots of adversity... and recount the tens of dozens of sad desperate and just wild stories and situations my people are in.

 

Sometimes my work helping them to see a way forward makes my journey more palatable. And the occasional success, rewarding.

[+ Eric Hassan]

Just looking for different ideas...

 

I'm in therapy, taking anti-depressants... 46, never had a BF, lonely... losing interest in sex.

 

As a devout atheist who believes this is the only life we get and the member of an amazing family... no worries, I'm not suicidal, but gods I feel empty lately.

 

you are definitely not alone, and you are more than enough all by yourself.

 

i find when i am dealing with some depression that it helps to check off the basics - are you getting enough sleep? are your food and water intake adequate and nutritious? are you getting some exercise - walking, biking, lifting weights, playing a sport? are you balancing work and non-work time? sometimes, we can manage a lot of our mental health by checking these foundations and making sure we've got them in order. that makes it easier to sort out our true feelings without the background of being hungry or overtired.

 

also, i caution against the thinking that you need a partner or relationship to feel happy or fulfilled. relationships are wonderful but if you focus on something outside yourself, you never give yourself a chance to make yourself ok, and you can easily fall into the trap of tying your emotions and experience to your relationship and not your life.

[MidwestCoastal]

I greatly appreciate all the support and suggestions from this thread. Thank you.

 

I am in therapy and have been for most of my adult life. Drugs and therapy help 'sustain' me but can't seem to get to a consistent happy level; I'd settle for content at this point.

 

Over the last 15 years, I've done volunteering, political groups, sports teams, book clubs, dating websites... Nothing sticks and I've become more cynical.

 

I know my grass is very green compared to others. I am so fortunate and feel guilty for not appreciating all I do have.

 

Its very hard not to look at everything and conclude that I am somehow 'broken', 'faulty', or 'dysfunctional'. The negative, self-hating voice dominates. I'm left feeling like 'What's wrong with me? Who would want me?'

 

I've worked in sales, client service, and deal negotiations for my entire career. I'm well liked at every job I have ever had. I give the appearance of a extrovert. Its not a question of skill, so I'm left wondering, is it desire?

 

I know physical activity helps. I know diet and taking care of myself is important. Its just harder and harder to pick myself again, and again, and again as the years go by.

 

Of course, the recent political environment hasn't helped. I watch FAR too much MSNBC and seriously hate the "President" and I can't stand the presence of a Republican for more than 8 minutes. We're witnessing the end of American global leadership and greatness and the start of the American decline. Greed is destroying the world. As a member of the 'rich, white, liberal elite', I'm filled with guilt.

 

I'm researching more radical treatments. I'm curious about magnetic therapy and ketamine. I've also been moving toward a process of just accepting that I can't be happy and to just move on.