Wolfer

I saw a profile once that had "massa ge" as its handle. In the profile text it said he offered them for free to young, athletic guys.

Well! I'm on the bus back from Paris. It was an absolute delight! What a BEAUTIFUL city, simply breathtaking. And there were actual accordeon players on the bridge across the Seine. I absolutely loved wondering around aimlessly. Everyone was really nice and friendly. Only one lady smirked at my basic French (I asked in French how the subway transfers worked. She smirked and responded to me in very good English). I'm for sure going back!

Thanks, I love that advice! I've bought a guitar and am practicing now. I'm looking at getting a cottage for a weekend in the rural side of Flanders (Ardennes can be nice but it's such a long drive).

Ah yes, hadn't thought of that.

Why don't people just simply close the lid while they flush? There's really no reason to stare down your poo being flushed away, is there?

Aaaw, thanks guy for all the support and kind words! I wanted to say (or clarify I guess) that the partying and tailspinning only started when I got back home from travelling. During my travels I had made the conscious decision to not date or hire and have no sex because I wanted to focus on healing from everything that had happened the last three years. I even spent two months at a yoga and meditation retreat in Northern California where I was up before dawn every day to meditate and do yoga and met wonderful people who helped me so much. So my travelling was actually very healing and wholesome. That's why I was so unprepared for the emotional sledgehammer that hit me when I did return home. Because I had been thinking I'd come home with all this newfound strength and all ready to make changes in my life and WHAM BAM I'm cowering under the covers bawling my eyes out. I've thought about that so much over the years and I've been to psychiatrists and therapists and asked if I had either bipolar or borderline but all of them were unanimous that I had neither and didn't need medication of any kind, just good therapy. I also talked to a friend of mine who works in mental healthcare and who has had a boyfriend with borderline (so he has direct experience being close to someone like that) and he says he's very sure I don't have borderline. Seems like it's more a case of unhealed trauma from my childhood (which WAS pretty rough) and that just makes me veer off of the healthy path sometimes. I hear you! With me I've been able to curb my spending somewhat by both applying willpower and just "good" luck (in the sense that there aren't providers peaking my interest or just had a lousy session which took away the desire to hire again). Looking within is very, VERY good!! Thanks! Yeah, it's important I give myself permission just to be myself instead of adding more pressure. Thanks for the kind words! I know exactly what I'm running from... Feeling like I have no other choice but to be part of the rat race and it just... It terrifies me.

Before you ask, I am getting help. I am fighting this with tooth and nail. Yet here I am and I feel the need to share this with people that aren't friends or loved ones. If you feel like giving me tough love, please don't. Tough love makes me feel bad about myself and feeling bad about myself is what triggers most of this, continuing the vicious cycle. Last year, after my divorce was finalized, I quit my job and used the money I had saved for a downpayment to go travelling. I chilled out for about half a year in Europe and then travelled California for two and a half months, with a stop-over in New York to binge on Broadway shows before heading back home to Belgium. These experiences were life-changing. I am not the same person as I was. I am stronger, so much stronger. Which is why coming back home after all that travel and being hit with one of the worst episodes of depression has sent me reeling into a tailspin of self-destruction which has completely blindsided me. The numbness is what makes it the hardest: when you're numb you just don't CARE anymore. Last month I've spent almost 100 dollars on porn that I didn't even watch. I convinced my GP to prescribe me Cialis and Priligy so I could fuck endlessly (have not taken them yet and only had sex twice in the past two months). Every single interaction with ANY person rattles every single insecurity I have to my very core. I've impulsively booked a weekend to Paris (I'm here now) and splurged on a 2-hour session but I'm not even horny (my depression crushes my libido). The session is tomorrow. I also booked a photographer to shoot me in the nude here in Paris. The photographer was gorgeous himself and it crushed me. I did also take nude pictures of him, though. So yay. And he hugged me twice, super awkwardly. I've ordered over 100 dollars worth of generic Viagra, Cialis and Priligy from an online pharmacy. Going to Barcelona next week for the Circuit Festival. I'll be taking my Cialis and Priligy! I don't take drugs and don't drink alcohol so that's a relieve. Hahaha, apart from all the money I'm spending (which I technically can afford even though I'd be better off saving it), it seems my spinning out of control is still quite... Well, doable, I guess? But it sure feels like I'm constantly on the verge of total self-destruction. But it's the CONSTANT need to be validated that is SO exhausting and I am FULLY aware of it too. And the more I look outside for validation the more insecure I get. That combined with my numbness makes me wildly flail about looking for anything that will make me feel better. The things that are going right: I meditate and do yoga twice a day, I eat healthy, I reach out to people, I write in my journal. I'm actively looking for a therapist that is a good match for me. Last one I didn't really click with.

And just now had the exact opposite. So I've got a date planned for tomorrow. I contacted him last Tuesday and set up our date. I just sent him a message with some more details of what I like and that I'm excited for our date tomorrow. He reads it and... Nothing, absolutely not a single response. Is it REALLY THAT HARD to just say: "Yeah, I'm excited too." Or even if that is too much just a "Great." or "Nice." I'll take ANYTHING! My enthusiasm has just deflated.

I've read that you meet at your locker afterwards.

EXACTLY! It was quite late in life that I learned of this English expression and it always puzzled me. Because every time I came home from banging a hot guy I'd actually be all puffed up, glowing and happy! Nothing shameful about having sex.

Awesome! I recently had a great first contact with a guy too who was mid-twenties. I don't really think age factors in to it all THAT much, at the end of the day. I think there are as many flaky, time wasting clients as there are flaky, time-wasting escorts. We just have to find the right matches.

No one taught me that (I'm uncut), I just go for the head because I've found that's more pleasurable than the foreskin. Also, some uncut guys I've been with, their foreskin would retract to reveal the head on its own when they got hard. I personally keep my skin covering my head when flaccid. But when I get hard, it retracts back on its own. I can't cover the head when I'm hard with my foreskin (well, I can pull it up, but it goes back down). I've only ever been with one cut guy up until now and I loved it! Uncut's the most prevalent over here in Europe.

https://jawjateck.tumblr.com/post/175446003367/goinggoing Especially these things I can relate to: "Hobby communications seem to mimic the app hook-up world now. Incoherent phrases have replaced sentences; “into” is often asked after I have already described my scene." "self-obsessions, lack of manners, basic thoughtfulness and respect for the client are waning. Entitlement rocks now!" I've not had direct bad experiences although the last guy I was with, at the strike of the hour he was on his phone, completely ignoring me and LITERALLY pushed me out the door. I know I'm leaving when the time is up, but it just seemed a tad inconsiderate. I have had several conversations where a guy seemingly wasn't even reading my responses or questions but just pushing for a date. I've seen more and more profiles that say "NOT long chat". And I've talked to escorts about this and they say that a LOT of people that send messages are time wasters (i.e. not looking to set up an actual meeting). But to me that's a bit of a catch 22, because there are SO many variations on sexual tastes and many guys don't describe it in detail what theirs are in their profile or have conflicting information (e.g. listing themselves as vers, but in their ad text saying TOP ONLY). So it's important to know if you're a good match but for that you need to have at least SOME interaction. But my experience is that a lot of guys just want you to make an appointment without asking questions sometimes. How are your experiences with younger providers (younger than 30)? Do you feel their communication is more like on Grindr and the like now?

Perhaps "East-European" would be more accurate?

Aaah, hustler bars. I don't know if we have those in Belgium. Then again, I didn't know Brussels has one of the most well reputed sauna's in Europe until a few months ago. (It's Sauna Macho) Yeah, I'm heading to Barcelona next weekend and have read about the Romanian escorts. Part of me wants to go to Thermas, just to have the experience, but then you read those stories.

I've always gone to their place because I can't host when I'm at home (and also don't live in an easily accessible area with public transport). When I'm travelling I often rent a room in a shared home to keep costs down so I can't host either. Although lately I've been looking at getting my own hotelroom when travelling. There's some good deals to be found.

Wow, I hadn't heard that. Maybe it's because Belgium has a strong and active immigration department and social care but a lot of Romanians here get jobs at building construction companies (don't know the proper English word, ah, contractor, I think). Most of these companies' personell now consists for a large part out of Polish men. In general they are experienced as hard working men that don't complain. The last contractor I worked with was a Belgium native and he went and learnt Polish because it gave him more opportunities to hire these Polish guys for his contractor jobs. Obviously there are always people that fall through the cracks, but walking around in Brussels I see a lot less homeless people out on the streets than in London and Berlin. I was recently talking to a board member of one of the social care institutions and apparently people even get houses or apartments here virtually rent-free if they are unable to get a job (because of language barriers). But they only get these benefits if they agree to take Dutch language classes and actively apply for jobs with the help of the social worker assigned to their case. Are those Romanians generally gay themselves that are found in gay places and do that? Or is there another reason they target gay establishments?

Thanks, I'm gonna take the entire course. Hahaha.

Thanks for the advice! I had already started the treatment before I read it, though. So I'll finish it now.

So uhm... Do I not take it, then? She did explain to me that because it was Friday evening it wasn't possible to get a stool sample tested. I would've had to bring it in on Monday and since I'd already been in pain since last Monday, and based on the symptoms she decided it was most probably a bacterial infection. I've noticed a big discrepancy between what is told to the patients here in Belgium by campaigns to raise awareness (things like antibiotics shouldn't be used unless absolutely necessary) and how doctors prescribe them here (quite quickly I would say: last time I had a bit of a sore throat and she preventatively prescribed antibiotics. The throat cleared up on its own. I didn't take them.)

It was bright red but barely visible.

Yikes! So I've just come back from the doctor. The only thing that gave her pause was the blood. The rest of my symptoms were okayish (mainly because I wasn't nauseous or vomiting I think). She prescribed an antibiotic.

Well, there seems to be a bit of blood in my stool (if I'm seeing it correctly, not entirely sure). I'm seeing my doctor later today. I don't have a fever as far as I know. I'm not even nauseous, just tired with really bad cramps. I've been fasting since yesterday which has kept the actual diarrhea to a minimum but the cramps are quite bad. Luckily it was a slooow day at work. Just now buying some yoghurt But darn it, I'm going to Paris this weekend (leaving tomorrow morning) so I hope I'll feel better.

Thanks for posting this. It does give you pause. I wonder if the rise in the spread of other STI's could have anything to do with the use PreP and the subsequent disuse of condoms. I know that not everyone who's on PreP stops using condoms. But there are also guys who do stop using them. The rise of using PreP and the rising of other STI's normally also somewhat halted by condoms makes me wonder.

Alright, going to see my doctor tonight. If I fast I'm alright but the minute food gets in my system my gut goes haywire (I fasted yesterday). Interested what she'll say though. GP's here in Belgium rarely do any actual testing, they just listen to your symptoms, prescribe medicine. If that doesn't work they try a different medicine. If that still doesn't work they'll MAYBE do a test. Which I've always found to be weird. Fully vaccinated! Even got my HPV shots.