ApexNomad

You’re a good man!

Very kind of you Bozo. 👏 How or why did he let you take a picture of him?

Thank you for sharing that. I’m sorry there wasn’t more chemistry or that he didn’t take the lead a little, especially knowing it was your first time and that you were nervous. That can be tough. But I’m really glad to hear you still had a good time overall. Sometimes just taking that step, even if it’s not perfect, is something to be proud of. You deserve connection and comfort, and I hope your future experiences are even more aligned with what you want and need.

Being in the closet can feel incredibly isolating, but it’s often a form of protection—and in some cases, survival. There’s absolutely no shame in taking your time. You have every right to come out on your terms, when you feel safe and ready. No one else gets to dictate that timeline. Your identity is real, even if no one else knows it yet. Who you are matters—even if, for now, it’s just between you and your reflection. That’s still brave. That’s still valid. Take the time you need. If it helps, speaking with a trusted friend or a professional therapist can be grounding. And if you’re feeling the need to explore yourself sexually in a safe, consensual space, working with a provider can be one way to do that too—without shame or judgment. What matters most is that you feel safe, respected, and in control of your journey.

Try not to regret anything about your first time - there’s so much at play. Pressure. Expectations. Nerves. Having a short window of time to be intimate with a complete stranger. Etc. etc. It’s a lot and can be overwhelming. One question though if you don’t mind me asking - If had communicated your needs and he had clearly read and understood what you wanted like you said, do you have any sense of why those activities didn’t happen until the end? Do you think he was waiting for you to initiate or ask out loud?

Probably — I stopped counting after the private island.

I was hoping you would. I love this story.

This kind of response packs in a lot of gender essentialism and casually reinforces the very double standards I’m calling out. Saying that “gravity is less kind to women” or that male aging “produces masculine results” isn’t objective truth—it’s cultural bias dressed up as biology. These are narratives we’ve absorbed, not immutable facts. And yes, women may have more freedom to wear makeup—but that “freedom” comes with expectation. The beauty industry didn’t grow into a multi-billion-dollar machine because women are less pressured to look a certain way. Quite the opposite. So when we talk about aging and appearance, we’re not on a level playing field. The standards are still different, the judgments still harsher, and the room for error—especially in the public eye—still much smaller for women.

This might be my new favorite thread. Thank you!

I agree that public figures of any gender can face criticism when their cosmetic surgery is perceived as “too much.” But I still believe the scrutiny is not applied evenly, especially when it comes to aging itself. The conversation isn’t just about who gets “called out” for surgery—it’s about the why and how behind that scrutiny. Again, when a man ages naturally, he’s often praised for looking “rugged,” “wise,” or “distinguished.” When a woman does the same, she’s more likely to be called “brave” or even seen as “letting herself go.” Pamela Anderson not wearing any make up on red carpets has made more headlines than peace talks. If she opts for surgery, the judgment can be even more vicious—often framed around desperation or vanity. That’s the double bind. You mentioned Jane Fonda—she’s also spent decades being upfront about her surgeries and her own internalized ageism, and even she has said she regrets some of the choices she made to stay “camera ready.” Meanwhile, someone like Paul Newman aged into roles with grace and gravitas and was never expected to justify his wrinkles. So while I agree that men face more pressure now than before, the societal baseline is still uneven. One gender is taught their value increases with age. The other is taught it fades.

Yes and no. I agree that, broadly speaking, guys today are more aware of the facts about sexuality, and in many places, the climate is a lot more open. But I think it really depends on the social circle and the geography. For instance, a college football player or wrestler from somewhere like Kentucky might still struggle deeply with being honest about who they are. The fear hasn’t disappeared—it’s just shifted. In many communities, the stigma is still very real, shaped by cultural expectations, social norms, and how someone was raised. So while progress has definitely been made, there are still so many who feel they have to repress who they are or find other outlets, just to survive.

One of the best things I’ve read here.

Ouch! 😂

My point is about double standards, not surgery. The cultural framing around aging remains unequal. An older man is often seen as wise, sexy, or “distinguished,” while an older woman—especially one who shows visible signs of age—is more likely to be dismissed, scrutinized, or mocked. The rise in cosmetic surgery among men doesn’t erase that double standard—it highlights how intense and widespread the pressure to appear youthful has become. But even as more men experience that pressure, the burden still falls disproportionately on women. “Very 1970s” is dismissive. Sexism around aging is alive and well in 2025. Just look at how female celebrities over 40 are treated compared to their male counterparts—on red carpets, in casting, and in media coverage. The disparity is still glaring.

I get that everyone has preferences, but this feels like a non-problem. If someone posts a lot of pics, just scroll past if it’s too much for you. Some guys use photos to show versatility, professionalism, or simply because they know different clients are drawn to different vibes. It’s not necessarily about arrogance—sometimes it’s just marketing. If the pics don’t appeal, there are plenty of others to check out. Problem solved.

This is such a hot picture. He can work on my cars looking like that anytime he wants. 😍

I believe I may have been the one who told you to start one. I did see this thread when it first went up and mulled it over, but as the esteemed @BenjaminNicholas noted (esteemed among his many other amazing qualities) it can be a triggering topic. I’m not exactly eager—now or yesterday—to revisit what it was like to be mercilessly beaten by my father after coming out, or what it felt like to be kicked out of my home. Substance matters, absolutely—but so does protecting the parts of ourselves that took the longest to heal.

Just saw Maybe Happy Ending again and loved it even more the second time. This show is something special—smart, tender, and full of heart. The music stays with you, the performances are stunning, and the story is both intimate and surprisingly profound. I honestly think this will win Best Musical—and deservedly so. It’s rare to see a show that feels this original and emotionally resonant. If you haven’t seen it yet, run.

You’re so hot and you’re not even trying. 👏

Beautifully said. I think you’re spot on about how tech and dating app culture have rewired expectations—turning people into filters, stats, and swipes rather than complex, evolving humans. After losing my husband, I feel completely lost at times in this new tech era. I personally would not want to meet men the way the youth of today appear to be doing so. But that’s a separate topic. It’s heartbreaking to see intimacy treated like a byproduct of physical perfection, rather than something earned through vulnerability, time, and trust. I’ve also seen how attraction can deepen with emotional connection. You’re right—it requires patience, maturity, and an understanding that beauty shifts over time. The irony is, so many chase youth and “type,” only to find themselves lonelier and more disillusioned the longer they do. Your friend’s situation reflects a broader cultural problem, not a personal failing. We talk a lot about chemistry, but not enough about compatibility or emotional safety—and those are the foundations of the kind of intimacy I think you’re describing. I wish more people realized that hot fades, but home gets sexier.

Yes, people can go “too far” with cosmetic surgery in the public eye, and yes, Joan became a punchline to some—but that’s exactly the point. When a man ages, he’s allowed to become “distinguished,” “weathered,” or “a character.” When a woman does anything to navigate aging—whether she ages naturally or chooses surgery—she’s often mocked, dissected, or erased. Joan didn’t pretend the surgery didn’t happen. She turned it into material. She took the thing that people used to tear her down and beat them to the punch with it. That’s power. That’s survival. To say “only the ones who go too far get called grotesque” ignores who gets to define “too far.” Those judgments are rarely neutral. They’re steeped in gender bias, ageism, and the ever-moving goalposts of beauty. The same surgery that’s called “empowering” on one woman gets called “desperate” on another, depending on how likable, quiet, or compliant she is. Joan never played by those rules. She dared to be loud, opinionated, and unapologetically visible in a culture that punishes women for all three. That’s not just cosmetic—that’s radical.

Sex is easy. Real connection — especially for gay men — is fucking hard. And that’s what I worry about as the sands of time keep falling. We celebrate bodies, but we rarely sit still long enough to celebrate souls. We scroll, we swipe, we perform — but intimacy? Vulnerability? That’s where so many of us flinch. I think, generally speaking, gay men have developed an aversion to intimacy. Maybe it’s the trauma we carry. The shame we were taught. Or the fear of being truly seen. But as I get older, I’m realizing I don’t want more sex. I want more truth.