ApexNomad

I believe I may have been the one who told you to start one. I did see this thread when it first went up and mulled it over, but as the esteemed @BenjaminNicholas noted (esteemed among his many other amazing qualities) it can be a triggering topic. I’m not exactly eager—now or yesterday—to revisit what it was like to be mercilessly beaten by my father after coming out, or what it felt like to be kicked out of my home. Substance matters, absolutely—but so does protecting the parts of ourselves that took the longest to heal.

Just saw Maybe Happy Ending again and loved it even more the second time. This show is something special—smart, tender, and full of heart. The music stays with you, the performances are stunning, and the story is both intimate and surprisingly profound. I honestly think this will win Best Musical—and deservedly so. It’s rare to see a show that feels this original and emotionally resonant. If you haven’t seen it yet, run.

You’re so hot and you’re not even trying. 👏

Beautifully said. I think you’re spot on about how tech and dating app culture have rewired expectations—turning people into filters, stats, and swipes rather than complex, evolving humans. After losing my husband, I feel completely lost at times in this new tech era. I personally would not want to meet men the way the youth of today appear to be doing so. But that’s a separate topic. It’s heartbreaking to see intimacy treated like a byproduct of physical perfection, rather than something earned through vulnerability, time, and trust. I’ve also seen how attraction can deepen with emotional connection. You’re right—it requires patience, maturity, and an understanding that beauty shifts over time. The irony is, so many chase youth and “type,” only to find themselves lonelier and more disillusioned the longer they do. Your friend’s situation reflects a broader cultural problem, not a personal failing. We talk a lot about chemistry, but not enough about compatibility or emotional safety—and those are the foundations of the kind of intimacy I think you’re describing. I wish more people realized that hot fades, but home gets sexier.

Yes, people can go “too far” with cosmetic surgery in the public eye, and yes, Joan became a punchline to some—but that’s exactly the point. When a man ages, he’s allowed to become “distinguished,” “weathered,” or “a character.” When a woman does anything to navigate aging—whether she ages naturally or chooses surgery—she’s often mocked, dissected, or erased. Joan didn’t pretend the surgery didn’t happen. She turned it into material. She took the thing that people used to tear her down and beat them to the punch with it. That’s power. That’s survival. To say “only the ones who go too far get called grotesque” ignores who gets to define “too far.” Those judgments are rarely neutral. They’re steeped in gender bias, ageism, and the ever-moving goalposts of beauty. The same surgery that’s called “empowering” on one woman gets called “desperate” on another, depending on how likable, quiet, or compliant she is. Joan never played by those rules. She dared to be loud, opinionated, and unapologetically visible in a culture that punishes women for all three. That’s not just cosmetic—that’s radical.

Sex is easy. Real connection — especially for gay men — is fucking hard. And that’s what I worry about as the sands of time keep falling. We celebrate bodies, but we rarely sit still long enough to celebrate souls. We scroll, we swipe, we perform — but intimacy? Vulnerability? That’s where so many of us flinch. I think, generally speaking, gay men have developed an aversion to intimacy. Maybe it’s the trauma we carry. The shame we were taught. Or the fear of being truly seen. But as I get older, I’m realizing I don’t want more sex. I want more truth.

I don’t know if desperate’s the right word. You’re talking about lazy bottoms!! The worst kind for sure.

Was that part of the time? Did you join them?

Many providers who advertise as “top only” are bottoms/vers in their personal life. I’ve known a few. It’s the prep that’s the issue. They can see more clients as a top. And some frankly have really big dicks and they advertise/market well with that.

I’m not sure I’m fully following how this ties into the topic of provider pet peeves. Are you saying that ads with language like naturally born men only or the chastity stuff are turn-offs for you when you’re browsing providers? Just trying to understand the connection a bit better.

Interesting how a woman trying to survive in a brutal, youth-obsessed, male-dominated industry gets reduced to a “handbag” for daring to age under the spotlight. Joan’s face didn’t offend people—her refusal to disappear did. It’s not the surgery that made people uncomfortable. It’s that she owned it, joked about it, and made it impossible to ignore the double standard. Men age into “character.” Women get called grotesque. And yet, for all that so-called baggage, Joan built a career in a system designed to silence her. She turned pain into punchlines. Some called it abrasive—others called it truth. Men are called fearless for doing the same. It’s easy to pick apart a woman’s edge. It’s harder to admit the world is what sharpened it.

Rather than look for them, start one. Post something in the lounge and we can have a substantive discussion.

I’m pretty easygoing in these matters and I can let a lot roll off my shoulders—and I have! That said, the one thing that really gets to me is when a provider isn’t fully present, or when there’s an unspoken vibe that I should feel lucky just to be with them. It’s rare, thankfully, but when it happens, it leaves a pretty shitty feeling. Mutual respect and genuine connection—however brief—go a long way.

Don Rickles was called a legend. Joan was called mean. The difference? Joan was a woman.

You could simply say that since this is your first meeting, you’d prefer to keep it to two hours and see how he responds. That initial meeting with a new provider is important — you want to feel comfortable, and he wants to feel valued and respected. In my opinion, the worst thing you can do is get into a negotiation or back-and-forth. The longer that goes on, the greater the chances of the encounter feeling strained.

Funny, I have the same reaction when I see one of your posts. 😘

I hate this thread so much I had to read it, think about it, and then comment. That’ll show ‘em.

Perhaps. Or perhaps it’s a combination of factors. Some people still want that added layer of protection, even with today’s medications. For others, it’s about routine, comfort, or a sense of control. Condoms can help in case of accidents and add a barrier for potential messes. While for some, barebacking carries emotional significance and is something they reserve for specific partners, or dare I say, partners they love. There are many reasons, and it’s not always rooted in trauma or fear. Everyone approaches this differently.

It helped him, and that’s enough. And if impacts only one other person, that’s a bonus.

Joan was a comedian who made a career out of off-color jokes and provocative remarks. I’m not her mouthpiece, and I’m certainly not here to defend every line she ever delivered over a six-decade career. What I can speak to is what I’ve seen—both publicly and personally. Joan was a real advocate for the LGBTQ+ community. She publicly endorsed marriage equality and officiated same-sex weddings. In the early 1980s—when AIDS was still widely misunderstood and feared—she hosted one of the very first major AIDS fundraisers at Studio One in West Hollywood. She was warned it might hurt her career. She didn’t care. She was also deeply philanthropic. Joan was a longtime supporter and board member of God’s Love We Deliver, a charity that provides meals to people living with severe illnesses, including those with HIV/AIDS. When she passed, she left a substantial portion of her estate to them. She paid for the education of her staff, their children, and even their grandchildren—not just random schools, but private schools and Ivy League universities. And on a personal note, for over a decade, I received a beautiful orchid from Joan every single year on my birthday. That kind of doesn’t make headlines, but it says everything you need to know.

@FrankR would also have you believe in a separate thread that tops are blissfully unaware when they’re fucking without a condom. That dicks trip and fall into assholes. But as he said, let’s not fool ourselves about the sequence.

Bea was famously introverted and guarded, sometimes misread as aloof, but those close to her described a fiercely loyal friend with a sharp sense of humor and an unwavering sense of justice. She also served in the U.S. Marine Corps during World War II—a fact that many fans of are still surprised to learn. She never spoke about it - only came out via the National Archives. At the age of 21, she enlisted under her birth name, Bernice Frankel, and became one of the first women to join the Marine Corps Women’s Reserve, which had just been established. Her official records list her as having worked as a typist and truck driver, and she achieved the rank of Staff Sergeant before being honorably discharged in 1945. Bea Arthur, US Marine | The National WWII Museum | New Orleans WWW.NATIONALWW2MUSEUM.ORG Bernice Frankel's Official Military Personnel File reveals a Golden Girl's WWII service history.

In many ways, she’s very different from the persona on stage. She’s funny, obviously, but I found her to be very generous and warm. If you haven’t, you should watch the documentary they did about her — A Piece of Work. Fascinating. I was at a few dinner parties of hers and she took an interest in all her guests, including me. Genuinely interested. She really took care of her own. She loved jewelry and fine art. She really prided herself on her QVC line - she wore her pieces proudly. She really did. It wasn’t a show. She always looked fabulous.

Exactly. Otherwise you end up with The Golden Palace.