Of Two Minds About Posting This-I'm On A Deathwatch

[LADoug1]

One thing that brings me solace regarding my father's death was that the family rallied and made sure that he was never alone during the entire 6 months of his illness. Day and night either a family member or a personal caregiver was at his bedside. He was never alone. I'll always take comfort in knowing this.

 

I hope you can take comfort that you and your family have taken such good care of him and that he too is never alone.

 

I wish you peace and comfort during this difficult time.

[+ Charlie]

My spouse is a participant in a clinical study of people with Alzheimer's or Alzheimer's-type dementia, and one thing that has become very clear to me is that no two people experience or demonstrate the condition in the same way. They do not react to medications and other treatments in the same way either. So, one cannot take for granted how the condition will progress or conclude. Like so much else in life, one just has to take it day by day.

[+ poolboy48220]

You're not alone. I've gone through that with my parents - my mother had health problems for about a decade; she remained alert, but had trouble getting around. My father was showing signs of mild dementia during this time. Mom died about four years ago, and my sister and I each bring him dinner (and company) every week. I feel it's kind of a penance for how little time I spent with my parents before my mother died. I heard a story on the radio where a woman referred to her boyfriend as "A Guiliani boyfriend" - great in an emergency but not so great when things were stable. That put a name to my relationship with my parents before my mother's death; I was always there during Mom's numerous health crises, but between them, I never found the time to just stop over for dinner for a 'no reason at all' visit. At least I'm doing that with my father, but have so many regrets I didn't do that while Mom was alive.

[+ WmClarke]

Sending you all my strength and love @Gar1eth .

[+ FreshFluff]

I know your post wasn't easy to write, Gman. I'm thinking of you and your dad.

[LADoug1]

You're not alone. I've gone through that with my parents - my mother had health problems for about a decade; she remained alert, but had trouble getting around. My father was showing signs of mild dementia during this time. Mom died about four years ago, and my sister and I each bring him dinner (and company) every week. I feel it's kind of a penance for how little time I spent with my parents before my mother died. I heard a story on the radio where a woman referred to her boyfriend as "A Guiliani boyfriend" - great in an emergency but not so great when things were stable. That put a name to my relationship with my parents before my mother's death; I was always there during Mom's numerous health crises, but between them, I never found the time to just stop over for dinner for a 'no reason at all' visit. At least I'm doing that with my father, but have so many regrets I didn't do that while Mom was alive.

 

Try not to beat yourself up. Have gratitude that you have the time and wisdom to spend precious time with your father now.

[+ MostlyLurking]

(This is amplification of "try not to beat yourself up." I tried to quote it but the quote doesn't seem to show up.)

 

"As I am I,

I am content to be

What I am not content to stay."

 

-Wallace Stevens

[+ TylerandAce]

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I lost a parent to an accident very suddenly. I've often wondered whether it's better to go like that or slowly so that I'd have time to say the things needed. You certainly helped answer that. It must be excruciatingly difficult and I hope you find comfort along the way.

[+ Gar1eth]

Thanks for sharing this. I'm sorry you're having to deal with it. I lost a parent to an accident very suddenly. I've often wondered whether it's better to go like that or slowly so that I'd have time to say the things needed. You certainly helped answer that. It must be excruciatingly difficult and I hope you find comfort along the way.

 

It's both good and bad, @TylerandAce. I'm fairly calm now. But it doesn't take a lot to start the tears coming when I look at my father or think about the end that is getting closer and closer.

 

I'm so sorry you never got to say goodbye to your father. Even with things as bad as this is, I think having no last chance to see my father would be worse. I haven't actually said 'goodbye' to my father. But I've told him multiple times since I got here Thursday that I love him. But I'm not sure he knows whether we are here or whether there is enough of him left to hear and understand my sentiments. When my Dad had all his faculties, I'm sure he knew that I loved him. I think telling him I love him now is probably more for my peace of mind than his.

 

It would be nice to think on some level he understands that my Mom, my siblings, and I (plus currently my Uncle (my Dad's older brother), my brother's wife, as well as my youngest cousin and his wife (although we are not all at the immediate bedside currently-not enough chairs in the room, room very hot, chairs uncomfortable, can only sit for so long at a time)) are here.

 

But I don't have that much faith and unfortunately I'm not that spiritual a person. On the other hand, I could be totally wrong-and maybe Dad does know on some level. When I arrived on Thursday, his eyes were continually closed. I thought that was the condition he would 'pass' from us. Since then however, there have been some episodes where he opens his eyes. A few times he's looked a bit more alert. My sister thinks he has been able to focus a bit on seeing people at the bedside.

 

I don't know exactly when this is going to end. His respirations have been about 8 to 10 breaths per minute since yesterday which Is much lower than what is normal. He currently hasn't had anything to drink in 5 days. He's still making a small amount of concentrated urine. But his kidneys must be failing.

 

I don't know when this will end. On one hand I wish it would. On the other hand I'll be half an orphan-a 56 year old half an orphan-when it does. I know it will be soon. I want it to occur. I don't want my Dad to suffer. I don't want him to go. And here come my tears again.

 

Gman

[tyro]

We wuv you. Big hugs.

T

[gallahadesquire]

My father left on the 15th of July, to go have surgery. He died two months later (this was 1965). He refused to see me in that time period.

[whipped guy]

I'm never good at giving advice in such situations, but the greater pain that you feel... and I can tell that you feel pain in your heart... the greater the loss and the more fortunate you were to have been blessed with such a person as a father.

 

I went through the same thing with my mom a number of years ago and her situation mirrored your dad's situation quite closely. In fact too closely. At the time we were counseled to speak to her... to express our love and appreciation. Supposedly they can hear and at least on some level comprehend. So don't be afraid to express yourself and make the most of the fact that you are being given this extra time with your father.

 

Like others I'm sending strength...

[+ not2rowdy]

Your father probably does still some awareness.

 

Tell him that the family is together.

 

Tell him that he doesn’t have to worry and that his wife (use her name) will be taken care of.

 

Tell him you all love him.

 

Tell him it is ok if he wants to move on.

[LADoug1]

My father left on the 15th of July, to go have surgery. He died two months later (this was 1965). He refused to see me in that time period.

 

So sad. My thoughts are with you and hope that you've found a way to reconcile this unfortunate memory.

[LADoug1]

I was at my grandmother's deathbed. She was 102 and had said she didn't want heroic measures to keep her alive. As she developed her death rattle the nurses began putting drops of Morphine on her tongue. It made her comfortable and actually accelerated her death. I was okay with that. It was her time to depart.

[edjames]

Many on this forum can empathize with your plight. I, too, had a father who passed from Alzheimer's. Everyone has their "war story." to tell with this condition.

My thoughts and prayers to you and your family.

 

Ed

[+ Gar1eth]

Vigil Day#6 (5 for me as it took me a day to get in)

 

Dad's blood pressure is getting low now. You can hear fluid when he takes a deep breath. This will be the 6th day without anything significant to drink

and with nothing to eat. While last week I had no idea when this would end, with his vital signs dimming now, I would think it can't be much longer.

 

I've been an active member of this community for around 13 years, and I probably lurked on here for 4 or so years before I was brave enough to post. All of you don't know how much I appreciate all the kind thoughts from people that I've spent so much time with over these last 17 years.

 

Gman

[MikeBiDude]

Vigil Day#6 (5 for me as it took me a day to get in)

 

Dad's blood pressure is getting low now. You can hear fluid when he takes a deep breath. This will be the 6th day without anything significant to drink

and with nothing to eat. While last week I had no idea when this would end, with his vital signs dimming now, I would think it can't be much longer.

 

I've been an active member of this community for around 13 years, and I probably lurked on here for 4 or so years before I was brave enough to post. All of you don't know how much I appreciate all the kind thoughts from people that I've spent so much time with over these last 17 years.

 

Gman

Thinking about you....

[+ TylerandAce]

Thinking about you

[+ nycman]

My thoughts are with you.

 

Stay strong and remember to take care of yourself.

 

The physical and emotional toll something like this takes on you is often more than you realize at the time.

[Racketjock]

Thank you, Gman, for sharing so honestly your feelings. The end of life, its heartache, and dealing with any separation and change can be very hard. I'm glad you have reached out to this community and are having time with him and your mother. I encourage you to say things you need to say, hold his hand, read to him, offer a kiss to his brow, share in the comfort and words of others, give yourself time away and a break when you need one, take care of yourself, and I wish you some solace as he is cared for, his pain is managed, and he is surrounded by love when the inevitable comes. Peace.

[+ azdr0710]

adding more thoughts to my previous post in this thread.....

 

I remember feeling somewhat separated from the outside world during the last few days with both parents in hospice .....not in a freaky/drugged-up sense, of course, but only as if nobody else was going through this and that I was consumed, to an extent, by the events.....the world out there was proceeding as normal and I/we were "sequestered"......the entire process is unique and a time to think and consider what life is about.....

 

you may feel a sense of relief after he has died.....this is entirely common and don't feel guilty if you do.....

 

if you haven't already been told, ask the hospice nurse(s) to describe what the last hours and minutes will be like.....we were given a very short book with to-the-point descriptions of what happens...the "death rattle" and all that......

[+ Gar1eth]

It's over.

 

Gman

[MikeBiDude]

It's over.

 

Gman

My thoughts are with you Gman....

[BabyBoomer]

May he rest in peace.

 

~ Boomer ~