Open relationship experiences?

[+ saminseattle]

I’m sure many of you out there are or have been involved in long-term relationships. After being together many years, sometimes one or both parties want to see other people. This could involve wanting to “spice things up” by having sex with someone different, or perhaps just wanting to have sex at all if that part of the relationship has dissipated. It could also involve just wanting to relive some of the thrills of dating someone new, flirting, and feeling attractive to others—even if there’s no sex. It might involve hiring escorts alone or together, or meeting people on grindr or scruff.

 

I realize this is a broad range of scenarios and the topic is quite personal, but do any of you have experiences and/or advice to share about these situations?

 

1. Do you think “opening things up” strengthens a relationship or jeopardizes it?

 

2. Do you think it’s best to have “ground rules” about when, where, how, or with whom? If so, what rules have worked for you?

 

3. Is it better to be (publically) “open” about having an open relationship so you can more easily meet people? Or is it better to be discreet, so people you know don’t find out and start gossiping?

 

I realize that every relationship situation is somewhat unique and what works for some people may not for others, but I’d really appreciate people’s thoughts on this if they’re willing to share.

[Reluctant Daddy]

Speaking from my own experience, I think the open relationship placed the relationship in jeopardy. Ground rules were established and broken. Feelings were hurt and trust was lost. I much prefer discretion and hiring to satisfy the urge, because there's zero chance on an escort/client relationship developing into anything more than that.

[BaronArtz]

I have been in 3 long term relationships and don't believe in 'open' relationships at all. They just wouldn't work for me. The first 2 guys cheated on me incessantly, with women mostly ... <gasp>. I guess I was young and naïve and tried to cope with it, but I could not. The 3rd relationship, my current one, is wonderful. He loves me and trusts me. I do, occasionally, satisfy the urge with an escort for the same reasons as NYClocker described above. So, in fact, I am a bit of a hypocrite in my own mind.

[mike carey]

Dan Savage as spoken and written much on the subject, most often in the context of one of his special subjects of 'monogamish' relationships, in which his theme is that monogamy is like abstinence (you can lapse and climb back on board) not like virginity (you lose it, it's gone). His take, which in the absence of actual experience, makes sense to me, is that you need to communicate and set the boundaries of what each of you can do, and what level of disclosure you both expect. Rules might be DADT, must tell all, must be together, no repeat meetings; one may want to play away and the other may not. Monogamy is normative in our society, for some couples social monogamy may be enough (with discreet sexual non-monogamy not an issue) for others, not so much. In any relationship you need to talk about your expectations of the relationship. If that is monogamy, say so, if you're prepared to test limits do so, but talk.

[jjkrkwood]

I was with my partner for 22 years before he suddenly passed, and from day 1, the understanding was the relationship would be "open" . To what percentage for each party was never discussed, but the agreement was for full communication. Certainly this sort of relationship wouldn't work for everyone. It takes honesty, security and trust. We would often go to sex clubs together, and it was actually a "turn-on" for me to see my partner with others. These dalliances didn't happen often, but when they did it brought a spark to the relationship and kept us both on our toes. Would we discuss our "hookups" ? Sometimes, and the conversations were often arousing hearing details and "sizes". This may seem weird to many, but it worked for us, and in a society where any sort of relationship is difficult to sustain, who can really criticize one that worked ?

[+ Truereview]

Like @jjkrkwood - whom I secretly adore, by the way- my partner and I had an open relationship from the beginning. I miss him every day and the unique trust we had in each other. To your questions:

 

1. Do you think “opening things up” strengthens a relationship or jeopardizes it? It depends on the two of you (Mutual trust, self-confidence, value system). Having been really sexually curious and active early on, I needed the freedom in our relationship. My partner was far less experienced but he was not possessive or jealous (neither am I). Our open relationship gave me the freedom I wanted and gave him the opportunity to explore when he wanted.

 

2. Do you think it’s best to have “ground rules” about when, where, how, or with whom? If so, what rules have worked for you? Our experience was that the more rules there were, the more we ended up breaking them. So we set just a couple of ground rules: always safe sex and always use each other as fail safe in case we needed help/rescue/a third.

 

3. Is it better to be (publically) “open” about having an open relationship so you can more easily meet people? Or is it better to be discreet, so people you know don’t find out and start gossiping? We never cared what others thought, but we didn't actively seek others nor showcase our open status. If folks asked or were curious, we shared freely. Being a young cute couple, we were often approached without our having to be overt. We found that the being thoughtfully open about being open actually dissipated gossip faster than hiding it.

[ChrisWydeman]

I’m sure many of you out there are or have been involved in long-term relationships. After being together many years, sometimes one or both parties want to see other people. This could involve wanting to “spice things up” by having sex with someone different, or perhaps just wanting to have sex at all if that part of the relationship has dissipated. It could also involve just wanting to relive some of the thrills of dating someone new, flirting, and feeling attractive to others—even if there’s no sex. It might involve hiring escorts alone or together, or meeting people on grindr or scruff.

 

I realize this is a broad range of scenarios and the topic is quite personal, but do any of you have experiences and/or advice to share about these situations?

 

1. Do you think “opening things up” strengthens a relationship or jeopardizes it?

 

2. Do you think it’s best to have “ground rules” about when, where, how, or with whom? If so, what rules have worked for you?

 

3. Is it better to be (publically) “open” about having an open relationship so you can more easily meet people? Or is it better to be discreet, so people you know don’t find out and start gossiping?

 

I realize that every relationship situation is somewhat unique and what works for some people may not for others, but I’d really appreciate people’s thoughts on this if they’re willing to share.

I HIGHLY recommend Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton. They are very different reads but both had a big impact in the way I view non monogamy.

 

The podcast Polyweekly is pretty good as well, it helped me to develop honesty and open communication with partners. Regardless of the configuration relationship having good communication skills is essential

[jjkrkwood]

Like @jjkrkwood - whom I secretly adore, by the way- my partner and I had an open relationship from the beginning. I miss him every day and the unique trust we had in each other. To your questions:

 

1. Do you think “opening things up” strengthens a relationship or jeopardizes it? It depends on the two of you (Mutual trust, self-confidence, value system). Having been really sexually curious and active early on, I needed the freedom in our relationship. My partner was far less experienced but he was not possessive or jealous (neither am I). Our open relationship gave me the freedom I wanted and gave him the opportunity to explore when he wanted.

 

2. Do you think it’s best to have “ground rules” about when, where, how, or with whom? If so, what rules have worked for you? Our experience was that the more rules there were, the more we ended up breaking them. So we set just a couple of ground rules: always safe sex and always use each other as fail safe in case we needed help/rescue/a third.

 

3. Is it better to be (publically) “open” about having an open relationship so you can more easily meet people? Or is it better to be discreet, so people you know don’t find out and start gossiping? We never cared what others thought, but we didn't actively seek others nor showcase our open status. If folks asked or were curious, we shared freely. Being a young cute couple, we were often approached without our having to be overt. We found that the being thoughtfully open about being open actually dissipated gossip faster than hiding it.

 

What I actually left out of my story was that we maintained 2 separate apartments during our entire relationship, but we spent each night together in one or the other if we were not on a date. This removed the stress over WHERE our hookups would take place, gave us a safe home base. and if it was family gathering time, it allowed the other to bail if he chose to without purposely looking "absent".

[Guest]

Dan Savage as spoken and written much on the subject, most often in the context of one of his special subjects of 'monogamish' relationships, in which his theme is that monogamy is like abstinence (you can lapse and climb back on board) not like virginity (you lose it, it's gone). His take, which in the absence of actual experience, makes sense to me, is that you need to communicate and set the boundaries of what each of you can do, and what level of disclosure you both expect. Rules might be DADT, must tell all, must be together, no repeat meetings; one may want to play away and the other may not. Monogamy is normative in our society, for some couples social monogamy may be enough (with discreet sexual non-monogamy not an issue) for others, not so much. In any relationship you need to talk about your expectations of the relationship. If that is monogamy, say so, if you're prepared to test limits do so, but talk.

This seems like good, solid advice to me. I agree with almost all Mike has said, except perhaps that I would question exactly how normative monogamy really is in our society. I'm not so sure that man is intrinsically monogamous as a species. When I was in my 13.5 year relationship, the basic rule was the "no repeat meetings" rule. Essentially what we agreed upon was that if one of the partners wanted to discreetly meet someone else for a one-time sexual encounter, that this was OK, as long as the meeting didn't impact our time together. I can't imagine why one would be jealous of someone the partner was never going to see again in his life. For the most part, what this meant was that if I went to a medical conference (usually about twice a year), it was OK if I hired escorts there, and OK if he had one-time trysts with some dude he met on Grinder or whatever while I was gone. I have a friend at work who was together with his man for over 20 years, and they had a similar arrangement. To us, it would be a shame if being in a relationship meant never having sex with anyone else ever again. That would have bred resentment, I would think. We didn't really talk about the disclosure part. We chose not to talk about any outside meetings. I'm not sure what the purpose would be in that. That being said, if a partner asked, I would expect honest answers. So I think that my preference would be "Don't tell, but be honest if asked."

[liubit]

I have been in a very solid, open relationship for 13 years (and counting). I think the "open" concept has kept us together and made the relationship stronger, basically because I have a much stronger sexual appetite and drive than he does (although he is the younger one in the couple). We have three ground rules that we have never, ever broken:

 

a) We can play with escorts ONLY. No bar hook-ups, no Grindr. Escorts only.

 

b) Never bring the escort home. Out calls only.

 

c) Be perfectly open with each other. In other words, "kiss and tell" .

 

To answer the last question, we are absolutely discreet about our arrangement (oh, and here I am spilling the beans in the forum! LOL). And, as an addendum, I will say that we have had threesomes together with an escort.

 

This system has worked wonderfully for us. We are as much in love as the first day, perhaps even more!

[jjkrkwood]

I have been in a very solid, open relationship for 13 years (and counting). I think the "open" concept has kept us together and made the relationship stronger, basically because I have a much stronger sexual appetite and drive than he does (although he is the younger one in the couple). We have three ground rules that we have never, ever broken:

 

a) We can play with escorts ONLY. No bar hook-ups, no Grindr. Escorts only.

 

b) Never bring the escort home. Out calls only.

 

c) Be perfectly open with each other. In other words, "kiss and tell" .

 

To answer the last question, we are absolutely discreet about our arrangement (oh, and here I am spilling the beans in the forum! LOL). And, as an addendum, I will say that we have had threesomes together with an escort.

 

This system has worked wonderfully for us. We are as much in love as the first day, perhaps even more!

 

 

Just curious, do you feel "non-escort" hookups would be threatening or dangerous to your relationship ? For me, although we had "occassional" escort hookups, most were random meets which proved satisfying and served the purpose, and was a lot LESS expensive....

[liubit]

Just curious, do you feel "non-escort" hookups would be threatening or dangerous to your relationship ? For me, although we had "occassional" escort hookups, most were random meets which proved satisfying and served the purpose, and was a lot LESS expensive....

 

I don't really think that we see them as "dangerous", maybe just a bit more "slippery". Escort meets are easier, and they are supposed to be devoid of personal feelings. It is not the "repeat" part that bothers us --I actually have my regulars, some of whom I have seen more than 30 times--, but the "emotional" aspect.

 

Well, now that I am reading what I just wrote, I think you are partially right: we might unconsciously see non-escort hookups as potentially risky. But, then again, the issue is moot, since they don't happen....

[jjkrkwood]

I don't really think that we see them as "dangerous", maybe just a bit more "slippery". Escort meets are easier, and they are supposed to be devoid of personal feelings. It is not the "repeat" part that bothers us --I actually have my regulars, some of whom I have seen more than 30 times--, but the "emotional" aspect.

 

Well, now that I am reading what I just wrote, I think you are partially right: we might unconsciously see non-escort hookups as potentially risky. But, then again, the issue is moot, since they don't happen....

 

Just by the very nature that you have "repeats" in your escort hookups, to me that might also imply an emotional connection there. It is very interesting if you are able to separate the emotion from a repeated escort meet... But of course as I always say, whatever Works !

[liubit]

Just by the very nature that you have "repeats" in your escort hookups, to me that might also imply an emotional connection there. It is very interesting if you are able to separate the emotion from a repeated escort meet... But of course as I always say, whatever Works !

 

The emotional connection with the escort is of course there....while the meeting lasts. It goes away the moment I walk out the door. Some of my regulars have asked me to go out for coffee, drinks or dinner "off the clock", and I have systematically refused.

 

I like to think of myself as a "serial lover", but my heart belongs only to my boyfriend.....Like you say, whatever works!

[+ Charlie]

When my spouse and I first got together almost a half century ago, we both admitted to one another, after only two weeks, that we didn't think a closed relationship would work for us. And so we have always allowed for the possibility of sex with others, whenever one of us wanted it and it was convenient for the other. We both had lots of sex with other people, with no particular rules about who, when or where. Sometimes we went cruising together and both went home with someone else. Each of us even had affairs of various duration with other people. Only once did this threaten our relationship, and we semi-separated for a year, but ultimately we realized that we cared about one another more than about the infatuations and came back together.

 

Eventually, we both lost interest in having sex with other people--we got too old and it was just too much trouble. Then it became possible to legally marry, so we are now the model monogamous same sex married couple.

[+ Truereview]

... so we are now the model monogamous same sex married couple.

Genuinely curious here, how would you define that?

[+ Charlie]

Genuinely curious here, how would you define that?

We are faithful to the expectation that a legally married couple will not have sex with anyone else, unlike those sluts who commit adultery.

[jjkrkwood]

I CONFESS.... I'm a horny Old Gay Adulterer (but then, how could I NOT be ? ) There's TOO much temptation !

 

http://dirtyboytwinks.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/Staxus-Handsome-young-stud-Nick-Vargas-fucks-horny-gay-porn-virgin-Johny-Cherry-sucks-huge-uncut-dick-fingers-tight-little-boy-hole-01-gay-porn-star-sex-video-gallery-photo.jpg

[jjkrkwood]

OK, let's be Honest here. If I were in a relationship that weren't open, I sure as Hell would open it for THIS.....

 

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zoUbX5dxZ-I/VmLWSjHRXsI/AAAAAAAATYU/0VIdV7cU3pc/s1600/Jerry-Cabrera_pool.jpg

[marylander1940]

OK, let's be Honest here. If I were in a relationship that weren't open, I sure as Hell would open it for THIS.....

 

http://3.bp.blogspot.com/-zoUbX5dxZ-I/VmLWSjHRXsI/AAAAAAAATYU/0VIdV7cU3pc/s1600/Jerry-Cabrera_pool.jpg

 

Don't worry, he's available on rentmen.com

[jjkrkwood]

Don't worry, he's available on rentmen.com

 

 

 

Can I Haggle ????

[marylander1940]

Can I Haggle ????

 

I don't bargain an escort's price. Do you?

 

Good luck!

[AdamSmith]

Can I Haggle ????

haggle

v. t.&i. To vigorously rub one's scrotum up and down or across the face of one's partner.

My chode was itchy so I gave her a good haggling.

 

http://www.urbandictionary.com/define.php?term=haggle

[BabyBoomer]

Don't worry, he's available on rentmen.com

 

I don't recognize him. Who is he?

 

~ Boomer ~

[+ purplekow]

Do you consider it monogamous if you are not having sex with anyone?