Open relationship experiences?

[stop]

I HIGHLY recommend Sex At Dawn by Christopher Ryan and The Ethical Slut by Dossie Easton. They are very different reads but both had a big impact in the way I view non monogamy.

 

The podcast Polyweekly is pretty good as well, it helped me to develop honesty and open communication with partners. Regardless of the configuration relationship having good communication skills is essential

 

I was actually going to recommend these very two books...Both Sex at Dawn and The Ethical Slut are very good books. I found Ethical Slut to be a bit easier read than Sex at Dawn.

 

 

To answer your specific questions:

 

1. Do you think “opening things up” strengthens a relationship or jeopardizes it?

 

I think this really depends on where your relationship is. If your relationship is falling apart, opening it up most likely won't save it. I have been in really strong open relationships and for me it is easier to be up front about sleeping with somebody else. I think somebody else mentioned Savage and he has some excellent thoughts on fidelity. I find for me that being open about discussing the issue is easier than trying to keep it to myself. I don't want to rub it in my partners face but I don't want to have to pretend it didn't happen.

 

2. Do you think it’s best to have “ground rules” about when, where, how, or with whom? If so, what rules have worked for you?

 

Ground rules for me always worked best. Some of the things that have worked for me: No sex with friends, no sleep overs in town, no sex with somebody else on date nights. (meaning if we have plans together than neither of us should be hooking up with somebody that same day)

 

3. Is it better to be (publicly) “open” about having an open relationship so you can more easily meet people? Or is it better to be discreet, so people you know don’t find out and start gossiping?

 

If you are meaning with friends. I don't really think its anybody's business but I think your close friends will figure it out.

 

Really when all is said and done, this is a really personal decision to make. In situations where we were open from the beginning of the relationship I never had issues with the open-ness and frankly those relationships always seemed to work best. But in relationships where it was not discussed and added later it never seemed to work for me. There was something for me about being honest up front that allowed me to be myself throughout the relationship but on the ones where it came later it always ended up feeling like a competition. I am sure that is just my issue but it kind of always hung over the relationship.

[+ saminseattle]

Do you consider it monogamous if you are not having sex with anyone?

 

This reminds me of the famous Jesus/Jimmy Carter quote about committing adultery in your heart simply by looking at someone with a lustful eye. I tend to think this perspective is too extreme a take on monogamy versus having an open relationship (I mean, don’t we all notice cute guys?).

 

But at the same time, it actually does touch on one of the issues I’m most concerned about: what if one party in a relationship isn’t looking for sex per se, but he just sort of misses the excitement of dating? The looking, the eye contact, the flirting, the playful infatuation, the feeling of being attractive to others…it could be an asexual thing or maybe end up in making out, but no more.

 

At what point does this kind of thing become “cheating” or endanger the relationship? I almost wonder if this desire could be more risky for a relationship than a simple, primal urge to just have sex with other people. On the other hand, perhaps it’s nothing serious, just a passing phase as one leaves young adulthood and transitions to middle age. Any thoughts?

[+ Truereview]

what if one party in a relationship isn’t looking for sex per se, but he just sort of misses the excitement of dating?

 

At what point does this kind of thing become “cheating” or endanger the relationship? I almost wonder if this desire could be more risky for a relationship than a simple, primal urge to just have sex with other people. On the other hand, perhaps it’s nothing serious, just a passing phase as one leaves young adulthood and transitions to middle age. Any thoughts?

That to me sounds like intimacy, spark, romance, feeling special/excited in the partnership is lacking. To me, thats not the time to have an open relationship, that's actually a signal for open communication - then open relationship may be one of many options. I've seen all sorts of couples go thru that ...some stay happy together as roommates, others become bitter, very few come thru unscathed.

[Guest]

Do you consider it monogamous if you are not having sex with anyone?

 

Is there such a word a agamous?

[Guest]

what if one party in a relationship isn’t looking for sex per se, but he just sort of misses the excitement of dating?

 

That's exactly what I would not want in a relationship: DATING! That's why we had the one-encounter rule. If you keep seeing someone, that's dating. I had no interest in dating, nor did I want my partner to date while we were in a relationship!! I have no doubt that just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean my partner wouldn't enjoy having sex with someone else. But dating someone else seems disrespectful to me.

[oceansunshine]

Don't worry, he's available on rentmen.com

 

Didnt see him there. Have a URL link?

[+ honcho]

I've been in 4 self-identified on-going relationships (serially); the rules and understandings have

been different with each.

 

With #1 the rule was no overnights and I had to describe the encounter. (He got off on hearing it)

and we went to some S&M gatherings together. (We parted ways because he had a psychotic

break and wound up moving back in with his parents and going on meds). That one lasted 3 years

and I grieved over the break up even more than loosing my best platonic friend to the plague.

 

With #2, he didn't want a primary relationship, but a small circle of intimate friends, and he

works as masseur. After 4 years it became clear that I wasn't even his first pick and I got a better offer. We're still on good terms though (We also went to some group sex parties together).

 

With #3, it was the "Clinton policy". Don't ask - don't tell. We were together 8 years, and

it ended because he moved away to do a DMA in music. He moved back to the area, but

had fairly clear intimated when he moved away that he was sorry it didn't work out, even though

we cared for each other. So we're still really good friends.

 

With my current, there aren't any rules (other than partner comes first). #4 knows #2, and they are friends and he's told me when he's messed around with him. But #4 got a curable social disease from #2, which meant no sex for 3 weeks, and I've been busy enough with school & work that, that we've both been functionally monogamish for the past 3 or so years. (In my case the exceptions were hiring somebody twice as a retirement present to myself, and a random evening of being orally serviced by a guy who's known me for a long time and pestered ).

 

The first 3 are all active musicians. The last one played violin through the first year of college.

[+ Truereview]

I've been in 4 self-identified on-going relationships (serially); the rules and understandings have

been different with each.

 

With #1 the rule was no overnights and I had to describe the encounter. (He got off on hearing it)

and we went to some S&M gatherings together. (We parted ways because he had a psychotic

break and wound up moving back in with his parents and going on meds). That one lasted 3 years

and I grieved over the break up even more than loosing my best platonic friend to the plague.

 

With #2, he didn't want a primary relationship, but a small circle of intimate friends, and he

works as masseur. After 4 years it became clear that I wasn't even his first pick and I got a better offer. We're still on good terms though (We also went to some group sex parties together).

 

With #3, it was the "Clinton policy". Don't ask - don't tell. We were together 8 years, and

it ended because he moved away to do a DMA in music. He moved back to the area, but

had fairly clear intimated when he moved away that he was sorry it didn't work out, even though

we cared for each other. So we're still really good friends.

 

With my current, there aren't any rules (other than partner comes first). #4 knows #2, and they are friends and he's told me when he's messed around with him. But #4 got a curable social disease from #2, which meant no sex for 3 weeks, and I've been busy enough with school & work that, that we've both been functionally monogamish for the past 3 or so years. (In my case the exceptions were hiring somebody twice as a retirement present to myself, and a random evening of being orally serviced by a guy who's known me for a long time and pestered ).

 

The first 3 are all active musicians. The last one played violin through the first year of college.

Well, hell! I wish I had been a fly on your bedroom wall, mister! Thanks for sharing - literally

[+ saminseattle]

That's exactly what I would not want in a relationship: DATING! That's why we had the one-encounter rule. If you keep seeing someone, that's dating. I had no interest in dating, nor did I want my partner to date while we were in a relationship!! I have no doubt that just because I'm in a relationship doesn't mean my partner wouldn't enjoy having sex with someone else. But dating someone else seems disrespectful to me.

 

Indeed. Perhaps another word would be “fling” or “affair,” but something where the connotation is not really wanting to leave the long-term relationship, but desiring a break from the regular routine of domestic life with the same person for awhile. Not necessarily something the other person wants to hear, but (perhaps) not a sign that the relationship is doomed. Does it make a difference if the one newly interested in some sort of romantic dalliance just turned 40?

[+ Charlie]

I never confused lust with love. I lusted after innumerable men, and acted on it whenever possible, but I have loved only two men, and they knew that my emotional commitment to them was more important to me than my sexual desire for others.

[liubit]

I never confused lust with love. I lusted after innumerable men, and acted on it whenever possible, but I have loved only two men, and they knew that my emotional commitment to them was more important to me than my sexual desire for others.

 

Exactly my feeling. I have love with my boyfriend, lust with the boys I hire. Life is gooooooooooooood!

[+ nycman]

Monogamy....doesn't work...for me.

 

Period.

 

Tried it once.....he accused me of cheating....incessantly...for the entire length of the 3 year relationship.

 

Stupid thing was that I really was 100% faithful...and of course later found out...he was whoring around the whole time.

 

Seriously?

 

Well, you only fall for that crap once.

 

Men are pigs....but why keep kosher?

 

My personal preference is an open don't ask don't tell relationship....but if asked...tell the cold hard truth 100%.

 

Just be sure before you ask...that you REALLY want/need to know.

[JetBlack]

I’m sure many of you out there are or have been involved in long-term relationships. After being together many years, sometimes one or both parties want to see other people. This could involve wanting to “spice things up” by having sex with someone different, or perhaps just wanting to have sex at all if that part of the relationship has dissipated. It could also involve just wanting to relive some of the thrills of dating someone new, flirting, and feeling attractive to others—even if there’s no sex. It might involve hiring escorts alone or together, or meeting people on grindr or scruff.

 

I realize this is a broad range of scenarios and the topic is quite personal, but do any of you have experiences and/or advice to share about these situations?

 

1. Do you think “opening things up” strengthens a relationship or jeopardizes it?

 

2. Do you think it’s best to have “ground rules” about when, where, how, or with whom? If so, what rules have worked for you?

 

3. Is it better to be (publically) “open” about having an open relationship so you can more easily meet people? Or is it better to be discreet, so people you know don’t find out and start gossiping?

 

I realize that every relationship situation is somewhat unique and what works for some people may not for others, but I’d really appreciate people’s thoughts on this if they’re willing to share.

 

1) It depends. You have to ask WHY you're opening it. If you're both thinking about sleeping with others' because it'll be a good time, then yes. If you think it'll be fun so you can come back home and discuss how much fun it was, then yes. But if you're having problems in a relationship, it may not help much at all.

 

2) Ground rules are a MUST. And they must be followed.

 

3) It depends on the company. If you're on a dating app looking for a quickie, then I don't see the need to tell the person. But if they ask, I'd say, "be honest".

 

What it comes down to is trust, honesty, and lots of discussion. If you don't have those with a solid foundation it will fail. You also have to both be ready for it. I knew a chub/chaser couple, and the chubby guy only opened it up because the chaser kept bugging him. Then he got jealous because the chaser was getting action left and right. I (and some friends) knew from a mile away that it would not work based on their personalities alone.

 

You both really have to want it, set the rules you will CAN and WILL follow, and be honest.

 

One thing that doesn't get discussed though, is follow up. You and your partner should follow up every now and then to make sure that this arrangement is still right for your relationship

[+ saminseattle]

I’d like to thank all of you very much. Even though every situation is unique, there are enough common themes with something like this to benefit from hearing other people’s stories. In case anyone dealing with these issues is reading this in the future, I thought I would cross-reference a few prior threads on the same general topic:

 

http://www.companyofmen.org/threads/open-relationships.34822/

http://www.companyofmen.org/threads/do-open-relationships-work.46621/

http://www.companyofmen.org/threads/relationships-open-or-not.83625/

 

I want to particularly thank Charlie, who has posted the same basic message in all these threads, one going back more than fifteen years. With all the comings and goings on this message board, it’s nice to have a consistent voice addressing some recurring issues.

[N13]

Getting close to our 50th anniversary together! We have been through it all: Lying about being monogamy, sharing tricks, living in a menage a trois for 5 years, opening the relationship, you name it and we have been there. The one thing that has remained constant is that we are each others best friend and love of each others life. Our only rule is that we do not infringe on our time together. One of us travels at least twice a year and that is when most of the outside sex happens. Whatever anyone says it is almost impossible to keep sex together after long periods of time together. Sex is one of the least important reasons why two people should stay together. Respect, admiration and fun together RULE!

[+ Truereview]

Getting close to our 50th anniversary together! We have been through it all: Lying about being monogamy, sharing tricks, living in a menage a trois for 5 years, opening the relationship, you name it and we have been there. The one thing that has remained constant is that we are each others best friend and love of each others life. Our only rule is that we do not infringe on our time together. One of us travels at least twice a year and that is when most of the outside sex happens. Whatever anyone says it is almost impossible to keep sex together after long periods of time together. Sex is one of the least important reasons why two people should stay together. Respect, admiration and fun together RULE!

Wow! Congratulations!! In my book, when you respect, admire, and have fun with someone, you are well on your way to loving them. Ultimately, what is celebrated across history and through word of mouth is not how awesome the sex was between a couple, but the love they built together. Thanks for the thoughtful reminder.

[LADoug1]

I just started seeing (having sex with) a man who's in an open relationship. It is the first time for me and it certainly is a learning experience. He and his partner have ground rules but I'm not entirely clear what they are. I only know that he is very committed to safe-sex (as am I) and that after admitting he has a slight crush on me (and I on him) made it a point not to get together too often. He spaces our dates so not to foster the crush. I have no idea where this will go but just wanted to share my personal experience on the forum.

[WolfRamNHard]

 

But at the same time, it actually does touch on one of the issues I’m most concerned about: what if one party in a relationship isn’t looking for sex per se, but he just sort of misses the excitement of dating? The looking, the eye contact, the flirting, the playful infatuation, the feeling of being attractive to others…it could be an asexual thing or maybe end up in making out, but no more.

 

At what point does this kind of thing become “cheating” or endanger the relationship? I almost wonder if this desire could be more risky for a relationship than a simple, primal urge to just have sex with other people. On the other hand, perhaps it’s nothing serious, just a passing phase as one leaves young adulthood and transitions to middle age. Any thoughts?

 

There is a term in the straight polyamory community that is used to describe what I believe you are referring to - NRE (new relationship energy).

 

http://polyamorytoday.com/poly-dating-sites/poly-nre-avoiding-jealousy/

 

http://polytripod.blogspot.com/2013/01/polyamory-101-new-relationship-energy.html

 

It's not necessarily a bad thing in my opinion, just has its pros and cons. Interestingly and unfortunately, this sort of thing tends to be frowned upon by the gays, which might explain why most online discussion of it comes from the straight/bi perspective.

[Juan Vancouver]

Aside from "Sex at Dawn", which is a very technical if interesting analysis of human mating habits and a very eloquent pro-non-monogamy argument, and "The Ethical Slut", which is a step by step how to book into all things to consider when thinking of opening up, I would also recommend you read "Opening up: A guide to creating and sustaining open relationships", by Christian Taormino.

 

Of course, what matters is that you both are very clear on what you want, how do you feel and what are the healthiest ways to communicate that.

 

Honesty, more often than not and kindness are the cornerstones of a successful open relationship, but there will be a different formula for every single relationship.

 

I am excited that you are even considering this. Read those books and suggest your partner reads them as well. Having a common language will allow you to navigate the often emotional waters of non-monogamy, however, regardless how hard the work might be at some point, I assure you that being true to who you are and acknowledging and honouring who your partner really is, is one of the most fulfilling experiences in life.

 

My best wishes to you two!

[LivingnLA]

It all depends because people are different and every relationship fluctuates over time. I've been happily married for two decades. Around a decade ago we began discussing our slightly diverging sexual interests. After a couple years, we agreed on an understanding. It's what you'd call don't ask, don't tell. We always must be discreet and safe. We must prioritize each other and our family. We must not allow an emotional attachment to form that would put our marriage at risk. It's worked very well for us for nearly 8 years now. Though, I've had two close calls over the years.

 

One of our dear friends, they have an arrangement where he hires women when he wishes. Another couple, married 30 years, he sleeps with other women on business trips. Some dear friends with a decade long marriage just recently opened their marriage. She has a boyfriend now and her husband has a girlfriend. All of them deeply love each other and recognize that it's impossible for one person to be everything another person needs all the time.

 

It all just depends on what works for you and your relationship. Communication is critical. Deep mutual respect, compassion, and empathy are important too.

[YoungAD]

I have been in 3 long term relationships and don't believe in 'open' relationships at all. They just wouldn't work for me. The first 2 guys cheated on me incessantly, with women mostly ... <gasp>. I guess I was young and naïve and tried to cope with it, but I could not. The 3rd relationship, my current one, is wonderful. He loves me and trusts me. I do, occasionally, satisfy the urge with an escort for the same reasons as NYClocker described above. So, in fact, I am a bit of a hypocrite in my own mind.

 

You mean you do not believe in something that doesn't work for you, until it does work for you. What does it feel like to be trusted and loved but unable to return those same feelings on a legitimate level?

 

Baron, just when I think I could not possibly like you less you help me find a way.

[klifhangar]

I don't think that I am built that way. If I am in a serious relationship, I want only that person and want them to only want me. The open relationships that I have been close to have all ended badly. I'm sure it can be done but am guessing that most humans are not built this way.

[+ saminseattle]

I don't think that I am built that way. If I am in a serious relationship, I want only that person and want them to only want me. The open relationships that I have been close to have all ended badly. I'm sure it can be done but am guessing that most humans are not built this way.

 

It would not be my first choice, but sometimes trying to navigate between the imperfect options before you is preferable to trying to insist on your ideal scenario and then failing completely.

[WolfRamNHard]

This is purely anecdotal and others' experiences will differ, so take it with the requisite grain of salt. I have observed that lasting long-term relationships are built upon acknowledging reality, and recognizing and adapting to the issues that come up. On the other hand, I often see serial monogamists flitting from one short-lived relationship to another as they realize that the current relationship is not the perfect idealized version that they had in their mind. Maybe they find it easier to just move on and keep searching for that fairy tale version rather than work through the issues in their current relationship. YMMV.

[LivingnLA]

Well said WolfRamNHard. That's been my experience as well and what I've observed over the years.