In or Out?

[bigguyinpasadena]

Thank you for a beautiful post Boston Guy

[bigguyinpasadena]

Thank you for a beautiful post Boston Guy

[DaninWA]

>Usually the

>relationships only grew stronger as opposed to the "I caused

>my mother/father to have a heart attack and die" fantasy that

>many closeted gay guys seem to hold onto.

 

Unfortunately, in my case this actually happened. Fortunately, my mother didn't die.

 

To put this statement in context: My mother had come out of open-heart surgery. I was in her room while she was sleeping, when she suddenly woke up, looked at me and blurted out, "Are you gay?" Shocked the hell out of me. I asked her if she really wanted to know right now and she said, "Yes". I told her that I am gay. Just then, she got a horrible pained expression on her face and the alarms went off on the heart monitor. The response team came in and had to shock her to start her heart.

 

At this point I was standing in the hallway crying, a priest came up to comfort me. I told him what had happened and he told me that I should have lied to her. Then he walked away. Not one of my better days.

 

Later, the cardiologist told me that it was a drug they had given her to stabilize her heart rhythm that had caused it.

 

Dan

[DaninWA]

>Usually the

>relationships only grew stronger as opposed to the "I caused

>my mother/father to have a heart attack and die" fantasy that

>many closeted gay guys seem to hold onto.

 

Unfortunately, in my case this actually happened. Fortunately, my mother didn't die.

 

To put this statement in context: My mother had come out of open-heart surgery. I was in her room while she was sleeping, when she suddenly woke up, looked at me and blurted out, "Are you gay?" Shocked the hell out of me. I asked her if she really wanted to know right now and she said, "Yes". I told her that I am gay. Just then, she got a horrible pained expression on her face and the alarms went off on the heart monitor. The response team came in and had to shock her to start her heart.

 

At this point I was standing in the hallway crying, a priest came up to comfort me. I told him what had happened and he told me that I should have lied to her. Then he walked away. Not one of my better days.

 

Later, the cardiologist told me that it was a drug they had given her to stabilize her heart rhythm that had caused it.

 

Dan

[+ Charlie]

I was summoned for my physical shortly after my best friend, who was more closeted, was caught in an Air Force witchhunt in Kansas and dishonorably discharged. His own family was in an uproar, his fiancee's father was threatening to kill him, and he was on the edge of a breakdown. Since any investigator could easily have discovered my orientation, I decided to "check the box" to prevent the possibility of having to deal with the same kind of trauma. The process was simple: after the physical, which I passed, we were given a questionnaire to fill out out, which included a single question about sexual orientation. I was called into a private room by a counselor, who asked if I understood what I had checked, and I said I did. He asked, "When was the last time you had sex with another man?" I replied, "Last night," which was true. He gave me a funny appraising look, then said I could leave. When I got my draft card in the mail, it said I was 4F, but didn't say why.

[+ Charlie]

I was summoned for my physical shortly after my best friend, who was more closeted, was caught in an Air Force witchhunt in Kansas and dishonorably discharged. His own family was in an uproar, his fiancee's father was threatening to kill him, and he was on the edge of a breakdown. Since any investigator could easily have discovered my orientation, I decided to "check the box" to prevent the possibility of having to deal with the same kind of trauma. The process was simple: after the physical, which I passed, we were given a questionnaire to fill out out, which included a single question about sexual orientation. I was called into a private room by a counselor, who asked if I understood what I had checked, and I said I did. He asked, "When was the last time you had sex with another man?" I replied, "Last night," which was true. He gave me a funny appraising look, then said I could leave. When I got my draft card in the mail, it said I was 4F, but didn't say why.

[Trixie]

When I was thirteen, we had a cousin my age stay with our family for the summer.

He and I got along famously, and although there may have been some budding sexual chemistry there, I was too ignorant to really put into words what I was feeling-

this a small town in the late '70's, and such things were not discussed.

My cousin, however, was from San Francisco, and at thirteen a bit more sophisticated than I. The last week he was with us, he and I were wrestling around in a dirt pile (as I STILL love to do!) and he abruptly asked me if I was gay. Honestly, I didn't know what he was getting at. Not familiar with the "new" meaning of the term, I thought he was asking, in an odd way, if I was happy.

 

So I said yes.

 

"Really?" he asked.

 

"Sure" I said, becoming more confused by the hesitant look on his face.

Well, he let the matter drop, and two days later he went back home. But there he told his mother, who in turn told my parents. Thus I was outed at the age of thirteen.

My parents never discussed what they were told with me, so I was oblivious to all this until I came out to them- in person - at 21. Which didn't go well, I might add,

but it was then I found out about my cousin's accusation, and was able to piece this funny little anecdote together.

 

 

Trix

[Trixie]

When I was thirteen, we had a cousin my age stay with our family for the summer.

He and I got along famously, and although there may have been some budding sexual chemistry there, I was too ignorant to really put into words what I was feeling-

this a small town in the late '70's, and such things were not discussed.

My cousin, however, was from San Francisco, and at thirteen a bit more sophisticated than I. The last week he was with us, he and I were wrestling around in a dirt pile (as I STILL love to do!) and he abruptly asked me if I was gay. Honestly, I didn't know what he was getting at. Not familiar with the "new" meaning of the term, I thought he was asking, in an odd way, if I was happy.

 

So I said yes.

 

"Really?" he asked.

 

"Sure" I said, becoming more confused by the hesitant look on his face.

Well, he let the matter drop, and two days later he went back home. But there he told his mother, who in turn told my parents. Thus I was outed at the age of thirteen.

My parents never discussed what they were told with me, so I was oblivious to all this until I came out to them- in person - at 21. Which didn't go well, I might add,

but it was then I found out about my cousin's accusation, and was able to piece this funny little anecdote together.

 

 

Trix

[+ Charlie]

Trix, this story hit home. When I was 17, I was picked up in a men's room by a guy who asked if I were "gay". I, too, thought he was asking, in a quaint way, if I were happy, so of course I said yes. Was he surprised when he got me home and discovered that I didn't even know that anal sex was possible.

[+ Charlie]

Trix, this story hit home. When I was 17, I was picked up in a men's room by a guy who asked if I were "gay". I, too, thought he was asking, in a quaint way, if I were happy, so of course I said yes. Was he surprised when he got me home and discovered that I didn't even know that anal sex was possible.

[Rick Munroe]

>I think perhaps it would be very, very sad to be dying and,

>when looking back over one's life, to think "I wish I had been

>honest with people. I wish I had been brave enough to be the

>person I really was. I with I had lived the life I really

>wanted to." As the saying goes, we only get one life and,

>religious expectations notwithstanding, it's most likely not a

>dress rehearsal. (btw, did you know you are quoting Cher here? )

>We each should try to make the best of it,

>living an honest, good life that allows us to enjoy our time

>here and be good to those around us. Hiding a central fact

>about ourselves because of fear seems contrary to that.

 

I couldn't agree more. That is pretty much what I tell my closeted clients -- that is, those who want to talk about it and who broach the topic first. Now, there are those who would say, "Well, Rick,if you live your life in such total honesty, why do you admit that you don't tell your parents that you escort?" The answer is simple and purely selfish: it's not that I am afraid of their reaction or that I am embarrassed; it's really that I don't want to hear the endless lectures and nagging. This is the same reason I no longer order a diet soda when dining with them -- I don't want to spend the entire meal hearing about the evils and dangers of aspertame. And then afterwards, there are the emails, with links to cancer sites, and lists of alternative healthy soft drink possibilities... Oy! :o

[Rick Munroe]

>I think perhaps it would be very, very sad to be dying and,

>when looking back over one's life, to think "I wish I had been

>honest with people. I wish I had been brave enough to be the

>person I really was. I with I had lived the life I really

>wanted to." As the saying goes, we only get one life and,

>religious expectations notwithstanding, it's most likely not a

>dress rehearsal. (btw, did you know you are quoting Cher here? )

>We each should try to make the best of it,

>living an honest, good life that allows us to enjoy our time

>here and be good to those around us. Hiding a central fact

>about ourselves because of fear seems contrary to that.

 

I couldn't agree more. That is pretty much what I tell my closeted clients -- that is, those who want to talk about it and who broach the topic first. Now, there are those who would say, "Well, Rick,if you live your life in such total honesty, why do you admit that you don't tell your parents that you escort?" The answer is simple and purely selfish: it's not that I am afraid of their reaction or that I am embarrassed; it's really that I don't want to hear the endless lectures and nagging. This is the same reason I no longer order a diet soda when dining with them -- I don't want to spend the entire meal hearing about the evils and dangers of aspertame. And then afterwards, there are the emails, with links to cancer sites, and lists of alternative healthy soft drink possibilities... Oy! :o

[guptasa1]

Out to most people (family, friends, and anyone who cares to ask or notice [wear a small pride necklace always]).

 

Was a hard step (one I made near the end of college), but now I wouldn't go back in for the world. To hell with what some people might think. This is who I am.

[guptasa1]

Out to most people (family, friends, and anyone who cares to ask or notice [wear a small pride necklace always]).

 

Was a hard step (one I made near the end of college), but now I wouldn't go back in for the world. To hell with what some people might think. This is who I am.

[+ deej]

Out to every guy I've fucked. }(

 

I don't wear it on my shirtsleeve. But I also don't hide it. If someone asks, I'll chuckle and ask what their first clue was. Was it the gay pornstar roommates? Was it my involvement in gay porn websites (and this site)? Was it seeing me sucking cock behind a dumpster at Dore Alley Street Fair?

 

The clues are there, if someone is Paying Attention.

 

To family, I'm in my 40's and single, and rarely seen with a woman. Connect the dots already. My sister, also in her 40's, is single and doesn't date men. We've never discussed it. I don't see a need.

 

(Mom has COMPLETELY given up on the idea of grandchildren and settled for grandcats.)

 

I'll admit there are some that have a different image of me. One of my oldest friends (and his wife) are fundie Christians and it would totally rock their tiny closed minds so I choose not to burden them with the knowledge. It's for their own good. But if they ever ask, I'll be honest. They haven't asked, and they still invite a nice single girl to dinner whenever they invite me over. (SHE usually gets it, and we have a FABULOUS time!)

 

Context is everything.

[+ deej]

Out to every guy I've fucked. }(

 

I don't wear it on my shirtsleeve. But I also don't hide it. If someone asks, I'll chuckle and ask what their first clue was. Was it the gay pornstar roommates? Was it my involvement in gay porn websites (and this site)? Was it seeing me sucking cock behind a dumpster at Dore Alley Street Fair?

 

The clues are there, if someone is Paying Attention.

 

To family, I'm in my 40's and single, and rarely seen with a woman. Connect the dots already. My sister, also in her 40's, is single and doesn't date men. We've never discussed it. I don't see a need.

 

(Mom has COMPLETELY given up on the idea of grandchildren and settled for grandcats.)

 

I'll admit there are some that have a different image of me. One of my oldest friends (and his wife) are fundie Christians and it would totally rock their tiny closed minds so I choose not to burden them with the knowledge. It's for their own good. But if they ever ask, I'll be honest. They haven't asked, and they still invite a nice single girl to dinner whenever they invite me over. (SHE usually gets it, and we have a FABULOUS time!)

 

Context is everything.

[Rick Munroe]

>I'll admit there are some that have a different image of me.

>One of my oldest friends (and his wife) are fundie Christians

>and it would totally rock their tiny closed minds so I choose

>not to burden them with the knowledge. It's for their own

>good.

 

How is it for their own good? And how do you know they are anti-gay? Have they made homophobic comments to you in the past?

[+ deej]

>How is it for their own good? And how do you know they are

>anti-gay? Have they made homophobic comments to you in the

>past?

 

I didn't say they were anti-gay, did I? They're actually quite accepting, but they worry. Anyone not like them MUST have a "difficult" life, of course, so they worry. That's their mindset.

 

I see no reason to burden them.

[Rick Munroe]

>They're actually quite

>accepting, but they worry.

 

Are you sure they aren't Jewish?

[hiJinX]

I get where you are coming from with not wanting to burden them with knowing. I had a similar friend/co-worker in college who put a great deal of energy in "hate the sin, love the sinner" because of knowing me, knowing about me, and knowing I was actually one of the most moral guys she knew (before I became the sick fuck I am today :-P)

 

I have to believe that her experience with me enriched her life experience and broadened her mind in a good way.

[+ deej]

>Are you sure they aren't Jewish?

 

Oh, honey, Jews don't have a corner on the market in worrying. They own a good piece of it for sure, but Catholics and fundies are right up there.

 

But here's a true story about a Jewish mother:

 

A friend of mine, a nice Jewish boy from Hackensack, NJ, was working on his car. Something slipped when it shouldn't have and he ended up with a HUGE cut on his forearm. Blood was everywhere.

 

When he went in the house, his mother gasped and the first words out of her mouth were:

 

"You want a sandwich?"

 

(This happened 20 years ago and we kid her about it to this day. :-))

[+ cougar]

Boston Guy, thanks for the very nice post here on this thread....

 

As for my story, it can be somewhat twisted or strange to some, including myself, however, it seems to serve me well at this current time in my life.

I am not out to my family, they live almost 350 miles away and we have never had a close knit family anyway. So, I just approach it as no big deal for them to know, especially since my Dad is very conservative and has lived in a "black & white" world in a small southern town all of his life, except for a short time in the military and him going to pharmacy school. My brother and his wife, might think I am gay since I have no girlfriend or lady friends that I speak of, but in all honesty I think they do not approach the subject since it is easier to deal with by not knowing for sure. As for my work envirnoment, I am removed from my co-workers and management, because I am a field sales representative for a worldwide pharmaceutical company, therefore I do not have the daily association with co workers that is normally found with more traditional jobs. My friends have changed alot in the past 8-9 years since I have finally accepted being gay. Most all of my close friends are gay, as for my straight ones, we keep in phone contact and see each other once a year or so.

Since i am 45 and just came out somewhat 8-9 years ago, the transition has been more difficult for me. When I finished college, and being straight at that time, I firmly established myself as being mainline, traditional or whatever other term you can think of. I was a product of my youth and traditional family life; I knew no other choices. I am even a very active leader in a large mainline local church which I have attended regularly for 20 years, including this morning. I am sure there are people there who probably think in the back of their head that I must be gay, but don't approach the subject for they see the goodness of me and my character and easier not having to deal with it. If I were to come out at church, I would not be able to serve as an officer and would lose that "family" and the personal gratification I get by serving.

Yes, some would say I need to get a grip of my life and live it as gay and just let the chips fall where they will. But here 20 years after college and find my ability to make that move to a lifestyle that fits me better very difficult. At times I have considered picking up, moving to a new city maybe even a new career and start out there as being gay. However, I am comfortable or content here with a very rewarding career and home, and have never been one to take a gamble on such big changes.

[KY_TOP]

Cougar, Many of the comments you make relate closely to my own experiences. We all must realize that what makes us happy and content in life is what is important. Thanks for your comments.

[FrancoDiSantisxxx]

Irregular Posters

 

I'm out to all my neighbors and friends, which is true since I graduated college. The last time I ever felt the need to come out was in college, which I did to people who lived in my dorm or my fraternity house (depending on the time frame), to individuals who were friends but not close enough to see regularly. I never felt "IN" - these were people who assume, as I believe most do, that you are straight until proven or accused otherwise. Unfortunately, individuals who might appear to have less than stellar heterosexual credentials to some often face the brunt of any kind of problems and these individuals are occassionally very straight - and simply stigmatized due to behavior, characteristics or simply stupid judgment calls on the parts of others.

 

My family has known about my sexual desire for men since I was a pre-teen. Some of them wanted to believe I was bisexual and my mother, staunch Italian Catholic in denial that she is, asked me several years back about grandchildren, but when I responded that I had no desire or intention to adopt, the questions ceased.

 

 

http://www.gaydar.co.uk/francodisantis

[KY_TOP]

I have noticed from the many comments that there is not a yes or no (in or out) answer for many people, but a mixed answer. I think that is because being Gay is only a small part of what each of us are. We go to jobs, church, stores, live a life just like anyone else. We all have a private side that may include things other than one's sexual orientation.

 

As for me, also a mixed answer. Out to some, In to others.