How to Respond to Requests for Financial or Other Assistance

[+ Hoover42]

A stripper I met recently has been hinting of financial problems, and I suspect I may be hit up for help soon. I know his situation is not good at home--he's on welfare--so I'm tempted to help where I can, but I fear that would be a bad idea.

 

Sadly, I don't have unlimited funds. http://www.boytoy.com/forums/public/style_emoticons/default/smile.png

 

I know this is a common issue, so I'm reaching out to get your thoughts.

 

Thanks

[+ Keith30309]

My experience is that once it starts that it doesn't stop... one emergency turns into a second then a third and so on. I've helped guys out and in every case it has soured what was an otherwise good relationship.

[+ azdr0710]

yeah, always a touchy subject.....very nice of you to consider his situation, Hoover.....if you do get in a charitable mood, you can set limits with him (and get some payback, of course!)....but this could get messy....DO NOT let him know your personal info, address, real name, job.....everything in cash if you decide to help.....set some rules.....

 

but, again, this could get messy......

[AdamSmith]

One time an escort I had known and gotten quite close to, over five years of many overnights and longer together, asked me for financial help when a specific life emergency struck him and his family. I was close enough to the situation to be able to verify he was telling the truth. I gladly gave it to him. He repaid it in the form of numerous overnights together, as our mutual schedules allowed (we lived in different states), including him paying his own travel costs to come to me several times.

 

(I didn't make that a condition of giving him the help. He just did it afterward of his own volition.)

 

In a later instance, an escort I hired for an evening, and a few weeks later for another evening, then started asking for help with his rent and so on. That one I apologized to for not being able to help, and stopped contact.

 

The contrast between the first situation and the second was helpful in making that decision.

[+ WilliamM]

My experience is that once it starts that it doesn't stop... one emergency turns into a second then a third and so on. I've helped guys out and in every case it has soured what was an otherwise good relationship.

 

 

It's happened to me several time, unusual because it was a friend and ten years later his daughter. At least my friend sort of understood when I said no after lending him $500, which he never paod back. I said no to his second request.

 

His daughter was much worse, she has a teenage daughter and a job but was constantly broke. After the fifteenth call over a few months period to always say she and her daughter had nothing to eat, I had enough. I finally said no. I never heard from her again, although we had know each other for many year. I made many phone calls (not to ask for loan repayments), but always got her answering machine. That was 18 months ago, and I am still upset.

 

I have never lend an escort money, although several have asked me (in an indirect way).

[bigvalboy]

I think it depends entirely on how much assistance he needs, and how much you can comfortably afford to Loan or gift him. Since you do not have unlimited funds, personally I feel that a few hundred dollars is something that I would just gift. For that amount, I would not burden myself with expecting it back. Be honest with him about your financial limitations, then loan it, wish him well, and be very clear that the bank is closed. I have done it numerous times, and rarely regretted it. Only on a couple of occasion I was asked for a second loan, and I kindly said no.

 

If it is an amount you feel that you need back, be careful. I never loan more than I can afford to lose. If you decide to go this route, I would make sure he had the ability to pay it back in a reasonable amount of time. Set firm dates for pay back, expect the payment, and if he should default, do your best to collect without creating drama, but know that will be the last time that he is ever loaned money.

 

Every ones financial situation is different, and everyones relationship with strippers or escorts is different. It is how you feel inside about this person that will determine how you go about this. This is only how I would do it. I have friends who routinely loan/gift money in a wide range of amounts. Some expect it back, others are generous for generous sake. You can't do it if you think the loan will burden you financially, and you have to know your financial limits. Good luck

[jawjateck]

Every situation is unique. It's ok to hear him out if he asks. I refuse to be naive or coldly indifferent. I have assisted in a few instances when our business relationship ended or was ending, and I paid a bill on his/their behalf. I paid the bill directly. I do not hand over cash. From my perspective, these were gifts with no expectation of repayment. Some repay. Some don't. I don't worry about it either way. Once I decide to assist, I consider the gesture a gift, with no expectation in return.

 

Do what's right for you.

[seaboy4hire]

Over the summer a friend lost their job. I don't make it a habit of giving out cash or loans to friends or family, although I did pass a $20 here and there to him. But I did offer up gift cards to the coffee shop by his place (he doesnt have internet) so he could get a coffee while job hunting and a few gift cards to Aldi by his place. Sadldy like me he's an introvert so his circle of friends is small and hes got that stuborn eastern euro Hungarian pride. Oh how I wanted to smack him a few times. So um yeah if you wanted to help, I'd go the gift card for groceries or something similar route.

 

Hugs,

Greg

[gallahadesquire]

Lemme see:

 

Friend 1 had an acute, pay now "special assessment" on his condo, that was "pay up or sell." I couldn't take his angst. I lent him $4,000. When he died, I got nothing back [he was broke out the gazoo].

Friend 2 I met as a massage therapist. Eventually, I lent him another $2700. We no longer speak, as other circumstances have changed. I consider that money lost.

Neither a borrower nor a lender be,

For loan oft loses both itself and friend,

And borrowing dulls the edge of husbandry.

Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 75–77

Escort 1, on our first meeting, asked if I could forward $300 of his $1000 overnight charge (which he had surruptitiously advanced from a three hour meeting). I declined. The experience was almost non-existant. Webcam would have been more interactive. Later, I loaned him $100 so he could get his phone fixed with his screwed-up visit to LA. That was March; still no return.

 

Another person was asking as to whether Escort 1 was reliable. Escort 1 had ask for 20% of his overnight rate in advance. I do not believe it was offered. I also believe that the other person did not persue this particular escort.

 

I am, of nature, a generous person. Anyone of the service persuasion who wants to use that as a point of extortion will not receive a good response.

[+ purplekow]

I have lent money to escorts on two occasions and friends and relatives on many.

I have gotten the money back on all but two occasions. The brother-in-law who borrowed $750 to pay off a tax bill neither paid me back nor worked it off, as was our agreement. The working it off consisted of dog sitting and could have been easily accomplished.

On of the escorts to whom I lent money, died before paying me back. He did leave me some items as collateral toward the $2000 loan. I returned them to his mother after his unexpected death.

[+ Topseed]

Short answer: No.

 

Longer answer: Hell, No.

[gallahadesquire]

I have lent money to escorts on two occasions and friends and relatives on many.

I have gotten the money back on all but two occasions. The brother-in-law who borrowed $750 to pay off a tax bill neither paid me back nor worked it off, as was our agreement. The working it off consisted of dog sitting and could have been easily accomplished.

On of the escorts to whom I lent money, died before paying me back. He did leave me some items as collateral toward the $2000 loan. I returned them to his mother after his unexpected death.

 

Not knowing all the circumstances, that was a very noble thing to do.

[american executive]

Hi Hoover42:

 

Firstly, you sound like a nice guy given that you are tempted to help this guy. You need to respect yourself. I suggest do not give him the money. He might end up valuing you just for the money you give or lend him. You will probably not going to hear from him again unless he thinks he can get more out of you. Those relationships or agreements rarely work out. A good relationship doesn't have a price tag. I wish you the best.

[tedbear]

I once loaned a good friend some money so she could move. Before she could even begin to pay it back, her dog had to have some expensive emergency surgery and I offered to loan her the money for that as well. Both loans were made with the agreement that she could work it off by doing handyman-type chores. The amount of money we're talking about was significant enough that it was taking a LOT of handyman hours to chip away at it and she became resentful at "working for nothing." Then I planned a move out of town and was pressuring her to finish stuff up before I left and she was really giving me attitude. I know I'll never see another dime of those outstanding loans, but it does bother me every time I see her post about buying something extra (such as a motorcycle) on Facebook. I'm not sorry I helped save the dog's life and would do it again, but I'm not so sure I'd be so quick to help pay for someone's move next time.

[RadioRob]

At the end of the day, I won't personally loan money to someone if I'm not prepared for it to be a gift. I've seen too many friendships ruined over loans. If you truly want to help, that's great... but you should be doing it going in (at least to yourself) that it's a gift. Otherwise you run the risk of being upset and having it bother you more later after the fact. It's not worth it to be honest.

 

If you really do want/need the money back, I honestly would not loan it in the first place.

[Zman]

This has really only happened to me once with an escort. The escort asked for extra money to get his prepaid cell phone working again. It wasn't a huge amount and I liked the guy so I gave him the money as a gift. He was early twenties and not working steadily so I felt bad for him. But then later he had a far more serious request that involved bail money. I think he'd been arrested for prostitution. That not only scared me off I was also shocked he'd think of me as a person to ask for help. We'd had a few good sessions but we weren't friends on that level. I broke off contact.

 

For me, I don't think it works to lend money to men you hire (including strippers). If you can negotiate a way for him to earn it, then I think that works to mutual advantage. But as others have said usually the money and the guy soon disappear.

[jawjateck]

I'd rather give than "loan", but if you choose to lend, you are more likely to be re-paid by a companion or stripper than a family member or friend. Not at all surprising.

[+ Truereview]

I guess im a cold bastard. I would never lend $ to anyone who is not family or a long-time trusted friend. Even more coldly calculated, Ive verified the need really existed for those loved ones Ive chosen to help with $. As others said, when I chose to help with $, I made dang sure I could give it as a gift, not expecting payback. So if they paid it back, it was a nice surprise. Personally, for those I don't know well and who ask for $, I've done everything I can to help except lending them $.

 

You would be surprised how much an open ear or thoughtful advice/coaching or just moral support can be valuable to someone in need- sometimes more than money itself. Also, it shows them you care but draws your boundaries. And then, when in doubt and when I'm confused, I will just quote the wisest advice on this thread....

 

Short answer: No.

 

Longer answer: Hell, No.

 

PS - Who else here thinks WilliamM & Tedbear are sweetie pies? I do! I would count myself very lucky to have them as a friends. I would never squander their friendship like those girls did, and I would do my damnest to never put them (William & Ted) in a position of having to lend me anything but their toys

[mike carey]

I'd rather give than "loan", but if you choose to lend

I'm curious that as Georgia Tech implies here the difference between loan (a noun) and lend (a verb) appears to have been lost. Almost all of the posters have used loan as a verb. That happens here (in Australia) as well but it's not yet pervasive as far as I can tell. I'm not a grammar nazi so I don't obsess about it, I just note it when it happens and move on. [i lie, I can be a grammar nazi, but chose not to be in this case.]

 

I was quite taken by Adam Smith's example where the escort chose to repay his assistance by making their relationship one of friends with benefits rather than a commercial one. I wonder at what point either of them would want to put it back on a commercial basis, if ever. I can accept arguments either way: you helped me so I'll have sex for a time to repay you, or you helped me, so you're my friend now and I will fuck you whenever we both feel like it.

 

Disclosure: the last escort I saw asked to borrow a small amount for the day, I lent it and I didn't hear from him again. I had seen him several times so it wasn't a newby thing.

[down_to_business]

The correct answer is "no". The way to respond depends on how polite, caring, understanding, sympathetic, or empathetic you want to appear in your response.

 

There is nothing that can screw up a relationship faster then loaning money.

 

Neither a borrower nor a lender be (credit enotes)

Hamlet Act 1, scene 3, 75–77

Old Polonius counsels his hotheaded son Laertes, who is about to embark for Paris for his gentleman's education. While he still has the chance, Polonius wholesales a stockroom of aphorisms, the most famous of which is "Neither a borrower nor a lender be."

 

On Polonius's terms, there is little to argue with in his perhaps ungenerous advice. His logic is thus: lending money to friends is risky, because hitching debt onto personal relationships can cause resentment and, in the case of default, loses the lender both his money and his friend. Borrowing invites more private dangers: it supplants domestic thrift ("husbandry")—in Polonius's eyes, an important gentlemanly value.

[+ Keith30309]

The problem I've had in the situations I've encountered is that the moment the question is asked things change. There's a financial element to almost all these relationships but I work to minimize it thru things like plain envelopes discretely slipped into a drawer without mention.

Suddenly the raw truth is not only revealed but becomes an implied litmus test of my level of caring. "I need $500 for car repairs" or "an abortion for my pitbull" or whatever feel subtly coercive most of the time. (I did have one request for what seemed like a legitimate emergency which I gladly assisted with and was indirectly repaid). As others have pointed out, when the first emergency turns into a second and a third then the warm feeling of being able to help a friend turns into resentment at being taken advantage of. My hottest hot-button is having my genuine caring for someone leveraged to take advantage of me.

[+ VeryHappyCustomer]

With the exception of treasured books I share with good friends, I never lend anything to anyone. I only let go of what I can comfortably give away. I'm happy if it comes back, and happy if it doesn't.

 

I make small gifts of cash to providers of personal services, and think of them as bonuses. When asked for more than a few hundred dollars, I say No - - and offer to pay for services in advance. In the past, some guys I'd prepaid became less available to me because they needed new cash to meet current expenses. When I figured that out, I changed the terms of prepayment. Now, I say I'm not comfortable leaving a session without paying, so I can only prepay 75% and will pay the remaining 25% (plus tip) at time of service. That solved the supply side of scheduling problems. If I decide to stop seeing a guy who still owes me sessions, I praise some aspect of our final meeting and tell him we're even.

 

The requests themselves are inevitable. For most providers, outcalls are a glimpse of a higher standard of living than they've ever enjoyed themselves. We have much to share. I remember how it felt when I was young and broke, and a rich friend casually spent more on a bottle of wine than I was paying in rent. We drank it together. Why drink alone?

[Moondance]

This thread is an interesting sequel-of-sorts to the threads about helping the Rentboy 7. I'd say the same about this situation as I did about that one: that compassion and generosity are always admirable instincts.

 

But there are a couple of more things I'd add this time--

 

First, that I agree with the many who have said that, whenever you lend money, you ought to think of it as a gift. Choose the amount accordingly and without an expectation of getting anything back. The same way you'd make a charitable contribution.

 

Second, I'd consider how much access this man has to you, Hoover. Does he only know your phone number? Your email address? Does he know where you live? If the answer to the last question is "yes," I'd be more inclined to say "no." I'd be concerned about the prospect of him knocking at the door at some even more desperate time in the future.

[AdamSmith]

I'd be concerned about the prospect of him knocking at the door at some even more desperate time in the future.

 

This will happen.

[+ Hoover42]

Great feedback, everyone, thanks so much. I appreciate the different perspectives.