Not so Fucked Up: Effects of Escorting on Life

[+ quoththeraven]

I'm jumping off from the thread jcmiami1 started on the topic of "Question for escorts, does it all fuck up your mind?", which devolved into a discussion of data, causation, and correlation because the question as posed has a clear bias. OP later said:

 

Wow this post hit some nerves out there! Anyways it appears the replies took to the path of "why someone would want to become an escort" route. The question is really for those escorts who have been doing it for a while and has it affected your perspective on men, relationships, dating, sex, etc - outside of the escort work.

 

Taking this at face value, I want to ask the same question. How has escorting affected your perspective on men, relationships, dating, sex, etc. outside of the escort work? (Or within it, as for some I suspect the easiest way to draw the line is to not have relationships or to make sure those relationships are never with former clients.)

[+ purplekow]

I once read that the right time to fire someone is the first time you think about it. I feel the same way about sloppy wet kisses. However, I do use discretion in both situations which probably has cost me some pretty sexy times and left me with a few poor employees for longer than I needed.

[TruHart1]

Hi QRT,

 

That's a fun question, and I guess I have an answer you may not have anticipated ...

 

I often found it big fun to give a client a warm, sloppy, wet, french kiss at first opportunity, be it the elevator, his hotel room, or anywhere else. I also loved to slide my hand down his pants as soon as the situation allowed it. Without exception all clients I met loved it. No surprise, that's what they hire for, right?

 

However, it somehow gave me the feeling that without exception I could always give a guy a warm, wet, sloppy, french kiss whenever I wanted and that I could always slide my hand down someones pants.

 

Actually ... in other areas of life they might respond not so delighted with that ...

 

Anton.

 

ps: Nope, I didn't get myself into trouble.

 

I believe I actually recall a review of yours where the reviewer described your sloppy, wet kisses and having your hand groping down his pants while you were both in the elevator heading to his hotel room, Anton!

 

TruHart1

[mike carey]

I often found it big fun to give a client a warm, sloppy, wet, french kiss at first opportunity... [and] I also loved to slide my hand down his pants as soon as the situation allowed it.

Love it! Should be more of this!!

[+ quoththeraven]

Hi QTR,

 

That's a fun question, and I guess I have an answer you may not have anticipated ...

 

I often found it big fun to give a client a warm, sloppy, wet, french kiss at first opportunity, be it the elevator, his hotel room, or anywhere else. I also loved to slide my hand down his pants as soon as the situation allowed it. Without exception all clients I met loved it. No surprise, that's what they hire for, right?

 

However, it somehow gave me the feeling that without exception I could always give a guy a warm, wet, sloppy, french kiss whenever I wanted and that I could always slide my hand down someones pants.

 

Actually ... in other areas of life they might respond not so delighted with that ...

 

Anton.

 

ps: Nope, I didn't get myself into trouble.

 

I don't have a hard time at all believing that it might mess with your consent settings. What would be hot and appropriate with a client might well not be with a civilian with whom you don't have the implicit understanding you have with a client and who may see your actions as a boundary-violating unwelcome advance.

 

I'm glad you haven't landed yourself in hot water as a result. Keep reclaiming those boundaries.

 

Errr ... it was actually more than my hand groping down his pants ...

 

We started making out when we took the elevator from the bar at the top floor down to the floor of his room. When the doors opened he was about to step out, but I said "wait" and we waited until the doors closed again. There we were in an elevator that didn't go up or down and we picked up where we had left.

 

I always wondered how easy or difficult it is for clients to concentrate during those meetings and conferences the next day.

 

Anton.

 

Both, probably? (ease or difficulty of concentrating) I have to ask: did either of you wonder if there was surveillance in that elevator, and if so, did you care?

[marylander1940]

I believe I actually recall a review of yours where the reviewer described your sloppy, wet kisses and having your hand groping down his pants while you were both in the elevator heading to his hotel room, Anton!

 

TruHart1

 

sounds like porno

[+ quoththeraven]

I have no problem w/passionate making out under surveillance! Making out is not the same thing as sex.

 

True story: in college, I gave a mutual acquaintance a passionate kiss with my boyfriend standing next to us. (We were outdoors and standing up. Get your minds out of the gutter.) Some sort of dare might have been involved.

 

He took the kiss to mean he could have taken me to his room and fucked me. (He used the term "ravished".) All it actually meant was that I enjoy open-mouthed kissing and liked him enough to indulge. It was not an indication of a present interest in going further, though with sufficient prompting, something more might have happened (openly, not secretly).

[Juan Vancouver]

I often found it big fun to give a client a warm, sloppy, wet, french kiss at first opportunity,

Love it! Should be more of this!!

 

I couldn't disagree more with this. As a matter of fact I sincerely wish there is less and less of that. Intimacy and sensuality for me are a gradual dance of inviting, warming up, exploring each other's limits, listening to each other's reactions and building up to a full on encounter where both partners are present, feel safe and are ready.

 

Opening with a wet sloppy kiss is akin to saying hi, turning him around, pulling his pants down and ramming my dick in his ass without lube, a condom, without preparation nor consent.

 

I fully realize there might be a lot of people for whom sex is about getting to the main action as quick as possible, that is just not for me.

 

I don't have a hard time at all believing that it might mess with your consent settings. What would be hot and appropriate with a client might well not be with a civilian with whom you don't have the implicit understanding you have with a client and who may see your actions as a boundary-violating unwelcome advance.

 

Strangely I have to say that the opposite has happened for me because of escorting. It has taught me to be a much better listener to my partner's reactions, be much more sensitive to his readiness or hesitation, has taught me how incredibly important it is to listen to his boundaries and let him clearly know mine.

 

Many clients hire me precisely because I am able to pay attention to their signals and I only move forward into closeness little by little as they become more ready and comfortable. With a client like this, if I opened with a wet sloppy kiss it would be a very traumatic experience and would possible never see them again. (Not to mention that their initial hesitations about sex might be heightened by my behaviour).

 

I would say that escorting has taught me to pay attention and trust my instincts. It has helped me feel closer to those with whom I feel close and trust my gut when I simply don't feel like meeting or spending time with someone. Life is too short. It has taught me that I am not for everyone and it has taught me that I don't have to like everyone, don't have to endure things, but have to honour and celebrate those elusive times in which connection, magically happens.

 

Oh yeah, and it has taught me not to take shit from anyone. Ever.

 

Overall, I think the balance is pretty positive.

[mike carey]

I couldn't disagree more with this. As a matter of fact I sincerely wish there is less and less of that.

Fair point Juan, context is everything. I was responding to the 'frisson' of what was described, and there would be times, like a first meeting, where I would want to be more cautious. More often than not, I think I'd rather the slow 'seduction' approach. And both parties neeed to be comfortable with how the meeting went.

Overall, I think the balance is pretty positive.

You seem to have things about right on most things!

[devonhunter]

Let me just be blunt and answer the question directly: Monogamy is an illusion. Never forget it. Ever.

[AresEscortNYC]

This is a short, half-formed answer, but lately I'm finding escorting ---ironically enough--- putting sex in a more realistic context; I'm no longer "on the prowl" for recreational sex, and for me that's a positive, leaving more time for deeper, more meaningful persuits. It also allows me to be even more sensually engaged with clients. Escorting also helps feed my need for touch, so I'm no longer tempted to call up a f*** buddy I don't really like in order to get that need met.

[+ Chris Eisenhower]

For me, escorting has been the peg that fits the square hole, the round hole and pretty much every hole. It's been far more fun and fulfilling than sex in any relationship I've had—the reason being that I've always put sex as secondary to an emotional attachment to someone. Sex isn't a panacea to all of life's problems, but bad sex sure can cause one.

 

I've learned to be more open and vocal about what works and what doesn't—without worrying that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or disappoint. I've learned to be a better top and bottom. I've become more experimental and willing to at least try something. I feel more appreciated and desirable. And personally, I like variety.

[+ quoththeraven]

Ares and Chris -- Your explanations really resonate with me. Thank you for sharing.

 

Juan -- Other posts of yours make this less of a revelation to me than the others' comments. As always, thanks for sharing!

 

Devon -- For many people and in many situations, that's true. But it is not true in all cases. It's not even true of all men.

 

Now, if what you're saying is that the vast majority of your clients are in a long-term, committed relationships, whether married or otherwise, whether with a man or a woman, and whether bi, gay, curious, or confused, that look like or are supposed to be monogamous, I probably wouldn't even comment.

[ZhenXBear]

I couldn't disagree more with this. As a matter of fact I sincerely wish there is less and less of that. Intimacy and sensuality for me are a gradual dance of inviting, warming up, exploring each other's limits, listening to each other's reactions and building up to a full on encounter where both partners are present, feel safe and are ready.

 

Opening with a wet sloppy kiss is akin to saying hi, turning him around, pulling his pants down and ramming my dick in his ass without lube, a condom, without preparation nor consent.

 

I fully realize there might be a lot of people for whom sex is about getting to the main action as quick as possible, that is just not for me.

 

 

 

Strangely I have to say that the opposite has happened for me because of escorting. It has taught me to be a much better listener to my partner's reactions, be much more sensitive to his readiness or hesitation, has taught me how incredibly important it is to listen to his boundaries and let him clearly know mine.

 

Many clients hire me precisely because I am able to pay attention to their signals and I only move forward into closeness little by little as they become more ready and comfortable. With a client like this, if I opened with a wet sloppy kiss it would be a very traumatic experience and would possible never see them again. (Not to mention that their initial hesitations about sex might be heightened by my behaviour).

 

I would say that escorting has taught me to pay attention and trust my instincts. It has helped me feel closer to those with whom I feel close and trust my gut when I simply don't feel like meeting or spending time with someone. Life is too short. It has taught me that I am not for everyone and it has taught me that I don't have to like everyone, don't have to endure things, but have to honour and celebrate those elusive times in which connection, magically happens.

 

Oh yeah, and it has taught me not to take shit from anyone. Ever.

 

Overall, I think the balance is pretty positive.

 

I've got to say that I'm of a kindred mindset to Juan in this respect. I very much appreciate his sensitivity and incremental approach. I know I'd be extremely uncomfortable if presented a rapidly ramped up session with someone I'd just met. Now if it was a familiar companion that I felt spiritually and emotionally comfortable with and he wanted to turn up the heat more quickly I'd follow his lead

[jcmiami1]

Thanks for this "addendum" to my original post that spiraled out of control into statistics!

[+ stevenkesslar]

For me, escorting has been the peg that fits the square hole, the round hole and pretty much every hole. It's been far more fun and fulfilling than sex in any relationship I've had—the reason being that I've always put sex as secondary to an emotional attachment to someone. Sex isn't a panacea to all of life's problems, but bad sex sure can cause one.

 

I've learned to be more open and vocal about what works and what doesn't—without worrying that I'm going to hurt someone's feelings or disappoint. I've learned to be a better top and bottom. I've become more experimental and willing to at least try something. I feel more appreciated and desirable. And personally, I like variety.

 

I second what Chris said here, big time. I don't think I could have survived this long as an escort if it wasn't both sexually and emotionally fulfilling.

 

Pretty much all through my escorting career I've had a nonstop series of fuck buddies, quasi- boyfriends, and one night stands, ranging from other escorts to guys I actually dated to one night stands in sex clubs. The funny thing that happened on the way to the fun house (or the bath house) is that the deepest emotional attachments, as well as the most fulfilling ones, have mostly been with clients. So in some weird way what's happened is that my clients are like my partners, and I'm involved in a series of polyamorous relationships, and the one night stands are probably my equivalent of hiring an escort.

 

On a non-sexual level I think the same thing has happened with most clients I know, as well as most men I know. Our lives are centered around our work, so most of our intimate friends and deepest emotional attachments are with people that started as work associates.

 

On a sexual level, I think part of the reason this happens is that escorting, because it is a paid transaction, usually means both client and escort are on their "best behavior." That can mean a lot of things, as Chris alludes to, varying from increased emotional openness to greater sexual creativity. But at a minimum it means that you're going to treat each other with a certain amount of respect and try to take care of each other's needs, which is more than I can say for a lot of guys I've tried to be fuck buddies or more with.

 

What I completely have given up on for the past several years is the hot sexual experiences that start in bath houses (or occassionally at dance clubs or circuit parties) that almost always seem to end up involving a hot man, hot sex, and drug addictions - on their part, not mine. It's not exactly a shocker that if you meet a hot guy at Steamworks who is tweaking, he might bring the drugs with him if you invite him to your place to continue the fun the next weekend. Maybe I just have really terrible judgment, but for years it seemed like no matter who I met, if they had looks that seemed like a fit with Rentboy and a body that seemed to fit with a lot of time in the gym, there was a drug issue not far behind. My guess is it says a lot about the nature of gay men of a certain age, or maybe even just gay men in general. For whatever reason, I've gotten tons of drug drama with guys that fell in the "boyfriend" or "fuck buddy" category, and I've rarely gotten it from clients. So whatever clients may lack in relative terms in youth or looks or muscle, they more than make up for in maturity and emotional depth and open communication and fun.

 

Like Chris, I very much like variety, too, so the other nice thing is that all of this is both/and rather than either/or. I've gotten to have my cake, and fuck it, too.

[Mocha]

I would like to quote Chris and Steve, but I'm on my tablet.

 

That said, I keep running into very good looking guys who eventually say we can be friends, but not date. Too jealous, etc, etc. that happened tonight actually.

 

I'm get so fucking sick of it sometimes. I was real hurt that a guy I had sex with 2 dates ago, comes back and says it won't work for us when I told him. Someone is probably asking, why didn't I say anything on the first date? That's just not my style. Sometimes I do, other times it has to get past 2 meets atleast. I don't like to be instantly labeled before a person gets to know me by my work. There's people in other professions (those that require keeping a low profile) who choose not to mention work right from the bat (hell, how often does even the average client say what they do for work? About 50/50).

 

Then when you tell that same guy you'll quit, they say, "don't quit for me". Well then, just say you never want nothing to do with me. I'm not ashamed of what I do, but I'm sorry....client love doesn't and never will equate to the real thing. It just doesn't fulfill the missing piece. I consider it a friendship of intimate levels, wrapped in business, but at the end of the day I still have to come home to a lonely apartments and cry myself to sleep when a good relationship potential goes POOF because the escort bomb dropped.

 

I respect the escorts who have partners who are also escorts. All I can say is, pray for me.

[+ stevenkesslar]

I respect the escorts who have partners who are also escorts. All I can say is, pray for me.

 

Actually, the escorts I know who have had the best love relationships had partners who were not escorts. They simply were open-minded guys who accepted what their partners did for work.

 

Meanwhile, for a while it seemed like every time I told a guy I started dating I was an escort, their reaction was: Cool! Teach me how to be one. There wasn't anything particularly wrong with that, other than I wasn't interested in running a job training program.

 

You don't need prayers, you need one guy with an open mind and a warm heart. Seek and ye shall find, sweetie.

[instudiocity]

sounds like porno

That's what I'm hiring for, my own personal porno sans recording devices, of course.

[instudiocity]

I would like to quote Chris and Steve, but I'm on my tablet.

 

That said, I keep running into very good looking guys who eventually say we can be friends, but not date. Too jealous, etc, etc. that happened tonight actually.

 

I'm get so fucking sick of it sometimes. I was real hurt that a guy I had sex with 2 dates ago, comes back and says it won't work for us when I told him. Someone is probably asking, why didn't I say anything on the first date? That's just not my style. Sometimes I do, other times it has to get past 2 meets atleast. I don't like to be instantly labeled before a person gets to know me by my work. There's people in other professions (those that require keeping a low profile) who choose not to mention work right from the bat (hell, how often does even the average client say what they do for work? About 50/50).

 

Then when you tell that same guy you'll quit, they say, "don't quit for me". Well then, just say you never want nothing to do with me. I'm not ashamed of what I do, but I'm sorry....client love doesn't and never will equate to the real thing. It just doesn't fulfill the missing piece. I consider it a friendship of intimate levels, wrapped in business, but at the end of the day I still have to come home to a lonely apartments and cry myself to sleep when a good relationship potential goes POOF because the escort bomb dropped.

 

I respect the escorts who have partners who are also escorts. All I can say is, pray for me.

Oh, honey, I pray your partner yo' sef up with a rich 'un and never purchase yo' shef another ad.

[Mocha]

Actually, the escorts I know who have had the best love relationships had partners who were not escorts. They simply were open-minded guys who accepted what their partners did for work.

 

You don't need prayers, you need one guy with an open mind and a warm heart. Seek and ye shall find, sweetie.

 

It seems hard to come across for me though. Even the guys I met who were accepting eventually digressed into using my work as objects of insults during arguments. Albeit, they were goddam fucking idiots to steep to such a level, but still. Who needs all that?

 

Going back to the jist of the topic, I like my clients, I like the individuals...and like Steve said, the sex is one of the best sex to me. It's amazing how guys I meet for hookups can be so lame. They come talking a bunch of bullshit before we meet, about how they are open to this, that and the 3rd, but then don't deliver.

 

However, I am growing increasingly tired of waiting for calls, or taking calls from dummies. There's so much more bullshit now than there was 4 years ago. 99% of calls and text are bullshit nowadays. The scruff/grinder crusade is MURDERING the business. It'll be dead nationwide in about 2 years. DEAD. Lucky for me, my family is inheriting an estate and I'm going to finish school and start a new business. I'm finding I'm coming across more longer appointments (good), but far less appointments in general (bad). It equates to being bored as fuck 69% of the time, but the clients who do hire tend to want longer and pay better.

 

The fact that prostitution is widely available for free on an app pretty much took away many of the hourly clients. These sex addicted, perverted younger guys out there these days will sleep with anything for nothing. Just no standards at all.

[Juan Vancouver]

Actually, the escorts I know who have had the best love relationships had partners who were not escorts. They simply were open-minded guys who accepted what their partners did for work.

 

Meanwhile, for a while it seemed like every time I told a guy I started dating I was an escort, their reaction was: Cool! Teach me how to be one. There wasn't anything particularly wrong with that, other than I wasn't interested in running a job training program.

 

You don't need prayers, you need one guy with an open mind and a warm heart. Seek and ye shall find, sweetie.

 

That is exactly my experience. There's enough intelligent, open minded, loving, kind, educated men out there to choose from.

[Rudynate]

 

I'm get so fucking sick of it sometimes. I was real hurt that a guy I had sex with 2 dates ago, comes back and says it won't work for us when I told him.

 

But being an escort can activate issues in a love interest that, being, say, a web developer, or a mortgage broker or a lawyer don't - self-esteem, vulnerability, etc. It is a very special way of making a living, requiring an involvement in your clients' lives unlike that of any other type of work. I don't know if it necessarily is that way, but it does seem to be quite an isolating way of making a living. It imposes unique challenges on friendships and love/sex relationships.

 

I could imagine having a platonic friendship with an escort, or a relationship centered around casual sex. But I freely admit, I can't picture myself in a committed relationship with one.

 

 

 

 

[wisconsinguy]

But being an escort can activate issues in a love interest that, being, say, a web developer, or a mortgage broker or a lawyer don't - self-esteem, vulnerability, etc. It is a very special way of making a living, requiring an involvement in your clients' lives unlike that of any other type of work. I don't know if it necessarily is that way, but it does seem to be quite an isolating way of making a living. It imposes unique challenges on friendships and love/sex relationships.

 

I could imagine having a platonic friendship with an escort, or a relationship centered around casual sex. But I freely admit, I can't picture myself in a committed relationship with one.

 

 

 

 

I disagree on the committed relationship issue. I take a very simplistic view on sustainable commitments. Sounds trite, but I think it's simply a matter of "clicking" at first. Then the package unfolds as time goes by. No matter how the relationship unfolds. The client however would need to be fully aware of what the escorts expectations are in the relationship. Many topics need to be reviewed regarding his work. I myself, can see it working.

[+ stevenkesslar]

I disagree on the committed relationship issue. I take a very simplistic view on sustainable commitments. Sounds trite, but I think it's simply a matter of "clicking" at first. Then the package unfolds as time goes by. No matter how the relationship unfolds. The client however would need to be fully aware of what the escorts expectations are in the relationship. Many topics need to be reviewed regarding his work. I myself, can see it working.

 

I have met several escorts along the way that got into committed relationships with former clients. As far as I can tell, wisconsinguy is right. First, they had to click. Then they had to figure out their expectations and communicate them and either simply agree, or be willing to compromise. Seems like it worked for them.