Friday Funnies

[jackhammer91406]

Ed, I had never heard this one. Pretty funny.

Thanks for adding it.

[Bosguy]

I love this thread. Everytime I read it, I sit and laugh hysterically with tears running down my face and a rejuvenated lease on life!

 

Boston Bill

[jackhammer91406]

Are you ready for some football?

 

Fall is the time of year when college alumni turn into raving fanboys. Weekends are filled with the spectacle of college football. Those young hard men in tight leggings and rolled sleeves showing bulging biceps following the crisp orders of the drop dead gorgeous quarterback.

 

Well, here's a few chuckles sent to me by the most fanatic fanboy I know in Ohio. (yes I know other fanboys in other states, but this guy is hands down the most fanatic in O.H.I.O.)

Thanks to him for these great chuckles.

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

___________________________________________

 

Why do Texas fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday,

and pick up trash on Monday.

___________________________________________

 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

 

Drool.

___________________________________________

 

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None. That's a sophomore course.

___________________________________________

 

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

 

The cow fell on him.

___________________________________________

 

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

 

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

 

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

___________________________________________

 

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

 

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

 

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

 

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

 

"Will the defendant please rise."

___________________________________________

 

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

 

The police officer.

___________________________________________

 

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

 

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

___________________________________________

 

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

 

A full set of teeth.

___________________________________________

 

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke

is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;

 

the other half are able to to dress themselves now.

___________________________________________

 

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

___________________________________________

 

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

 

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

___________________________________________

 

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

 

Pay him for the pizza.

___________________________________________

 

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football players life?

 

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III.

[Bosguy]

Now that your friend has made fun of college football programs in many states, he's going to have to change his route to the West. I had so much fun with this thread! Thanks

 

Boston Bill

[Phil_musc]

Why have I only now just discovered this thread? I need to stop reading the usual stuff about escorts and masseurs and enjoy myself! Thanks, BostonBill - it's because I saw that you had responded here that I decided to look at this. I have a lot of catching up to do. Thanks to the guys who post here - I need the laughs.

[edjames]

Two old guys sitting on a bench chatting about computers:

 

"My memory really sucks Arnold, so I changed my password to "incorrect". That way when I log in with the wrong password the computer will tell me.... "Your Password Is INCORRECT".

[Bosguy]

Two old guys sitting on a bench chatting about computers:

 

"My memory really sucks Arnold, so I changed my password to "incorrect". That way when I log in with the wrong password the computer will tell me.... "Your Password Is INCORRECT".

 

 

Thanks Ed. Absolutely perfect for me. My closest friend calls me a techno moran. So true. Still laughing!

 

Boston Bill

[leigh.bess.toad]

Fall is the time of year when college alumni turn into raving fanboys. Weekends are filled with the spectacle of college football. Those young hard men in tight leggings and rolled sleeves showing bulging biceps following the crisp orders of the drop dead gorgeous quarterback.

 

Well, here's a few chuckles sent to me by the most fanatic fanboy I know in Ohio. (yes I know other fanboys in other states, but this guy is hands down the most fanatic in O.H.I.O.)

Thanks to him for these great chuckles.

Ohio State's Urban Meyer on one of his players:

"He doesn't know the meaning of the word fear.

In fact, I just saw his grades and he doesn't know the meaning of a lot of words."

___________________________________________

 

Why do Texas fans wear orange?

So they can dress that way for the game on Saturday, go hunting on Sunday,

and pick up trash on Monday.

___________________________________________

 

What does the average Alabama player get on his SATs?

 

Drool.

___________________________________________

 

How many Michigan freshmen football players does it take to change a light bulb?

 

None. That's a sophomore course.

___________________________________________

 

How did the Georgia football player die from drinking milk?

 

The cow fell on him.

___________________________________________

 

Two West Virginia football players were walking in the woods.

 

One of them said, "Look, a dead bird."

 

The other looked up in the sky and said, "Where?"

___________________________________________

 

A University of Cincinnati football player was almost killed yesterday in a tragic horseback-riding accident.

 

He fell from a horse and was nearly trampled to death.

 

Luckily, the manager of the Wal-Mart came out and unplugged the horse. ___________________________________________ ___________________________________________

 

What do you say to a University of Miami Hurricane football player dressed in a three-piece suit? "

 

"Will the defendant please rise."

___________________________________________

 

If three Florida State football players are in the same car, who is driving?

 

The police officer.

___________________________________________

 

How can you tell if an Auburn football player has a girlfriend?

 

There's tobacco juice on both sides of the pickup truck.

___________________________________________

 

What do you get when you put 32 Arkansas cheerleaders in one room?

 

A full set of teeth.

___________________________________________

 

University of Michigan Coach Brady Hoke

is only going to dress half of his players for the game this week;

 

the other half are able to to dress themselves now.

___________________________________________

 

How is the Indiana football team like an opossum?

They play dead at home and get killed on the road.

___________________________________________

 

Why did the Nebraska linebacker steal a police car?

 

He saw "911" on the side and thought it was a Porsche.

___________________________________________

 

How do you get a former Illinois football player off your porch?

 

Pay him for the pizza.

___________________________________________

 

What are the longest three years of a University of Kentucky football players life?

 

Freshman I, Freshman II, and Freshman III. [/color]

 

Okay Jackhammer, you've made it tough deciding the best one. The Urban Meyer story, the University of Cincinnati story, or the Arkansas cheerleader story. But there were a lot of laughs.

 

But I'm not sure if it's a good thing that the University of Maryland isn't in there. Guess we aren't relevant enough, huh?

[jackhammer91406]

Be careful what you ask for....

 

 

But I'm not sure if it's a good thing that the University of Maryland isn't in there. Guess we aren't relevant enough, huh?

Far be it from me to leave anyone out.

Here Lee, just for you...

 

How do you keep a Terrapin out of your back yard?

Paint it like an end zone.

 

What's the best way to see College Park?

Through your rear view mirror.

[leigh.bess.toad]

Thanks a lot Jackhammer. Now I can sleep tonight.

[Diverdan]

Some of these I just have to pass on to friends from those institutions... thanks for sharing.

DD

[Cooper]

A father and son went hunting together for the first time. The father said, "Stay here and be very QUIET. I'll be across the field." A little while later, the father heard a bloodcurdling scream and ran back to his son. "What's wrong?" the father asked. "I told you to be quiet." The boy, bless his heart, answered. "Look, I was quiet when the snake slithered across my feet. I was quiet when the bear breathed down my neck. I didn't move a muscle when the skunk climbed over my shoulder. I closed my eyes and held my breath when the wasp stung me. I didn't cough when I swallowed the gnat. I didn't swear or scratch when the poison oak started itching. BUT...when the two squirrels crawled up my trouser leg and one of them said, "Should we eat them or take them with us?"...Well...I guess I just panicked!!"

[+ Oliver]

... Well, here's a few chuckles sent to me by the most fanatic fanboy I know in Ohio. (yes I know other fanboys in other states, but this guy is hands down the most fanatic in O.H.I.O.) ...

 

That's OH ........... IO !!!

[+ sam.fitzpatrick]

That's OH ........... IO !!!

 

As in Indiana grad in Buckeye Country, I hear way too much of that yell.

[jackhammer91406]

from the vaults

 

I became eligible for medicare last week so I am out of town mourning. As a result, I don't have access to my vast file of funnies, so I am pulling something from the vault.

Hope you forgive me and enjoy it anyway.

 

 

Funny thing happened at Costco

 

Yesterday I was at my local COSTCO buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for my loyal pet, Toby, and was in the checkout line when the woman behind me asked if I had a dog. ???????

 

What did she think I had, an elephant? So since I'm somewhat mischievous and had a little extra time, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Purina Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in the hospital last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

 

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in line was now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter's ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard.

 

Costco won't let me shop there anymore.

[edjames]

Sharing of marriage...

 

The old man placed an order for one hamburger, French fries and a drink.

He unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half, placing one half in front of his wife.

He then carefully counted out the French fries, dividing them into two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

He took a sip of the drink, his wife took a sip and then set the cup down between them . As he began to eat his few bites of hamburger, the people around them were looking over and whispering.

Obviously they were thinking, 'That poor old couple - all they can afford is one meal for the two of them.'

As the man began to eat his fries a young man came to the table and politely offered to buy another meal for the old couple. The old man said, they were just fine - they were used to sharing everything.

People closer to the table noticed the little old lady hadn't eaten a bite. She sat there watching her husband eat and occasionally taking turns sipping the drink.

Again, the young man came over and begged them to let him buy another meal for them.

This time the old woman said 'No, thank you, we are used to sharing everything.'

Finally, as the old man finished and was wiping his face neatly with the napkin, the young man again came over to the little old lady who had yet to eat a single bite of food and asked 'What is it you are waiting for?'

She answered --

 

 

(Continue below - This is great)

 

 

 

 

 

 

'THE TEETH.'

[edjames]

Sam calls into work and says, 'I can't come to work today, I'm really sick. I've got a headache, a stomach ache and my legs hurt. I can't come to work..'

 

The boss says, 'You know something, Sam, I really need you today. When I feel sick like you do, I go to my wife and tell her to give me sex. That makes everything better and I go to work.. You try that.'

 

Two hours later Sam calls again. 'I did what you said and I feel great... I'll be at work soon.....You got a nice house.'

[edjames]

One more....

 

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

 

Making a mental note to complain to my congressman about Homeland Security running amok, I did just as she had instructed.

 

When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

 

I have been asked to shop elsewhere in the future.

 

They need to make their instructions to us seniors a little louder and clearer!

[edjames]

This one has been around before, but I think it's worth another read:

 

Sex And Good Grammar for all my grammatically correct friends:

 

On his 74th birthday, a man got a gift certificate from his wife. The certificate paid for a visit to a medicine man living on a nearby reservation who was rumored to have a wonderful cure for erectile dysfunction. After being persuaded, he drove to the reservation, handed his ticket to the medicine man, and wondered what he was in for.

The old man handed a potion to him, and with a grip on his shoulder, warned, 'This is a powerful medicine. You take only a teaspoonful, and then say '1-2-3.' When you do, you will become more manly than you have ever been in your life, and you can perform as long as you want."

 

The man was encouraged. As he walked away, he turned and asked, "How do I stop the medicine from working?" "Your partner must say '1-2-3-4,'" he responded, "but when she does, the medicine will not work again until the next full moon."

He was very eager to see if it worked so he went home, showered, shaved, took a spoonful of the medicine, and then invited his wife to join him in the bedroom.

When she came in, he took off his clothes and said, "1-2-3!" Immediately, he was the manliest of men.

His wife was excited and began throwing off her clothes, and then she asked, "What was the 1-2-3 for?"

And that, boys and girls, is why we should never end our sentences with a preposition, because we could end up with a dangling participle.

[bigvalboy]

When I was ready to pay for my groceries, the cashier said, "Strip down, facing me."

When the hysterical screaming and store alarms finally subsided, I found out that she was referring to my credit card.

 

 

lol...I have been saying this for years. Whenever I am at a check out and the guy is cute, I just look down at the credit terminal, and acting a little confused, I motion with my credit card in hand and I say without looking up, "So what do want me to do here, do I strip down and face forward" I always slow down and put a little more emphasis on the "strip down and face forward" part...

About 30% of the time the guy will get it and we both just start laughing.

[jackhammer91406]

Travel to Heaven

 

 

This 85 year old couple, having been married almost 60 years, had died in a car crash. They had been in good health the last ten years mainly due to her interest in health food, and exercise.

 

When they reached the pearly gates, St. Peter took them to their mansion which was decked out with a beautiful kitchen and master bath suite and Jacuzzi. As they "oohed and aahed" the old man asked Peter how much all this was going to cost. "It's free," Peter replied, "this is Heaven."

 

Next they went out back to survey the championship golf course that the home backed up to. They would have golfing privileges everyday and each week the course changed to a new one representing the great golf courses on earth. The old man asked, "what are the green fees?". Peter's reply, "This is heaven, you play for free."

 

Next they went to the club house and saw the lavish buffet lunch with the cuisine's of the world laid out. "How much to eat?" asked the old man. "Don't you understand yet? This is heaven, it is free!" Peter replied with some exasperation. "Well, where are the low fat and low cholesterol tables?" the old man asked timidly. Peter lectured, "That's the best part...you can eat as much as you like of whatever you like and you never get fat and you never get sick. This is Heaven."

 

With that the old man went into a fit of anger, throwing down his hat and stomping on it, and shrieking wildly. Peter and his wife both tried to calm him down, asking him what was wrong.

 

The old man looked at his wife and said, "This is all your fault. If it weren't for your blasted bran muffins, I could have been here ten years ago!"

[edjames]

First Christmas Joke of the Holiday Season!

 

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

 

'In honour of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

 

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

 

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

 

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

 

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

 

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

 

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

 

 

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'

 

 

 

And So The Christmas Season Begins......

[Walker1]

A Pakistani groom get's ready to go to his wedding-the rest is best watched!

[video=youtube;QqiVvV5KrfA]

[edjames]

Poor Yossel and the pickle slicer

 

Yossel Zelkovitz worked in a Polish pickle factory. For many years he had a powerful desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

 

Unable to stand it any longer, he sought professional help from the factory psychologist..

 

After six months, the therapist gave up. He advised Yossel to go ahead and do it or he would probably never have any peace of mind.

 

The next day he came home from work very early.

 

His wife, Sacha, became alarmed and wanted to know what had happened.

 

Yossel tearfully confessed his tormenting desire to put his penis in the pickle slicer.

 

He went on to explain that today he finally went ahead and did it, and he was immediately fired.

 

Sacha gasped and ran over to her husband.

 

She quickly yanked down his pants and shorts only to find a normal, completely intact penis.

 

She looked up and said, "I don't understand. What about the pickle slicer?"

 

Yossel replied, "She got fired, too."

[edjames]

Gay marriage and marijuana were legalized in the State of Washington on the same day.

 

Leviticus 20:13 says, "If a man lays with another man he should be stoned."

 

We've just been interpreting it wrong all these years.